With everyone posting “I am Jane Doe,” I got to thinking …
I can’t remember his name.
I remember his micro peen.
But he could walk up to me in public and I wouldn’t have the foggiest.
In my memory he looks like Pumpkin Shannon’s “cuzband” who appears to have just proposed to her. Darrin.
So, he’s Darrin to me.
I guess it’s good I forget.
And I don’t want this to come to me ever again.
I kept thinking about that windfall I got today.
Not to sound ungrateful, but I would rather Grampy have gotten it while he was alive.
Don’t get me wrong, it pays for my flight to Pittsburgh. (Would have paid for it twice if I’d been able to use my original ticket and not had to pay double to shift it forward.)
But he was so selfless. Always made sure we had what we needed — he always put himself last.
I mean, Mom and Gram put themselves last AFTER him, but he didn’t know that. Nor did I.
Grampy and I had our little treats. We both loved a good celebratory porterhouse steak.
But for the most part, Gram would act like she only wanted the smallest hamburger patty. And Mom would say she wasn’t feeling well and he should finish the food because “it won’t be good later.”
I could hand this same amount to Mom and she’d feed them for a month.
I could walk into HomeGoods and blow it all on Japanese skincare.
Which … my house is looking like a goddamned TJ Maxx at this point. I even bought a display case for my purchases.
In any event, I still have the cash in Mom’s purse that I’ve been looking for the right thing to buy with it.
I wonder if I should do the same with this amount, put it in his wallet, where I found that amazing pic of Mom and Maddie that I keep next to my computer.
I don’t know that there’s a right purchase. I just figured one day, I am going to be missing her so hard, that’s the only possible thing left to do to make me feel better — to buy something she would have wanted for me.
I knew this windfall was coming — I had to fork over his death certificate to see if I was elible to get it.
So it wasn’t a total surprise.
The timing, tho — I sent this in MONTHS ago. Who knew it would be on the day I was planning to fly up there and go to the gravesite?
That’s the thing.
I didn’t order the gravestone.
I was actually hoping this would be in that amount.
But, inflation came for gravesite services.
And I got the 2006 value of the thing, not the 2026 value.
Again, not to sound ungrateful. Just feeling sad that I didn’t order the headstone, nor did I get enough to do so.
I also fully believe my grandparents would rather me have that money. Lord knows this trip has already cost me five grand and I haven’t even shipped anything home yet.
And I’ll be shoveling AI slop the whole time anyway.
I decided next time I get AI slop (I already see two submissions here at 7 pm … FOR TODAY), I will say, “KITTY IS NOT PLEASED WITH YOUR OFFERING” and kick shit sand over it.
That’s what my kids would do.
In any event, I gotta say, having this Grampy gift kept me afloat today. There was nothing dumb someone could say (and they sure tried) that could take the joy out of that.
Years ago, my nutty Christian uncle notified Mom that Grampy had some unclaimed property in the Pennsylvania system.
For years, she wanted me to claim it. But it was a pain in the ass, in addition to all the other pains in the ass.
She died being sad I hadn’t claimed it.
Back in April, I finally sent Grampy’s death certificate to the state and made my claim.
They emailed me last night to say my claim was approved.
I’m getting a nice little amount.
It’s dividends from shares that were gifted to him a long time ago.
I was honestly hoping for the shares. But “mailbox money” (what I call divvys) is wonderful, too.
Anyway, I had hoped to earn enough to buy a gravestone. Not even close, unfortunately.
But work’s been so nuts, even though I have GRAVESTONE at the top of my digital to-do list, I never got around to it.
In any event, I’ll deal with that guilt another day. It’s only been 26 years, right?
But wow, how wild that — on the day I was SUPPOSED to fly to Pittsburgh — I would get this gift from my grandfather?
Thanks, Grampy! Your little punkin loves and misses you so much.