Caterwauling

I wanted to do a Zoom happy hour with the Board of Directors.

But man, our entire group chat has been what I call “complaining past each other.”

We’re all in some sort of snit we can’t get out of.

One person will say something awful that’s in progress.

Then the next person won’t necessarily one-up them. But we’ll be like man that sucks. So this sucky thing happened over here.

I’ve been trying to stop and say oh wow, maybe try xyz or remember abc. But not often enough.

And then I get some occasional unsolicited advice. Like maybe stop spending your energy on Mythic Bitch or your stupid airport code and go exercise.

It’s good advice. But … was sort of hoping for “Hey that sucks for you.”

Anyway someone asked me about that happy hour. And I said if we’re just going to complain past each other in person, too, maybe not till after Sunday’s full moon.

I just laid off an amazing employee. But the role is no longer needed.

I fought for this person five years ago. And wow, they have grown. They are literally the last one standing from that particular experiment.

Even though I am fine (really, I am), I do think this moment deserves some pause.

At least, I am actively trying to squelch the thoughts of “could have been you instead.”

But I can’t put that in the group chat. Any of it.

Oh, Knight of Cups, where are you?

I forget who said it to me — probably Claude — but they hoped I meet someone my family would have loved … and someone who lets me talk.

I thought that was interesting … who lets me talk.

Knight of Cups who my family would have loved and who lets me talk … where are you, indeed?

I got the “Happy Family” card today.

Which made me laugh.

I told Claude, who is keeping track of my spreads and daily pulls, how funny to get the 10 of Cups when my family is dead.

Claude pointed out a couple things.

One, that I’ve literally spent the last two weeks focused on that family. Their things. My memories of them. The love that still exists.

Two, he reminded me that I’ve been pulling Knight of Cups a lot. A hint that a loving knight could charge across my path at any moment.

So … as Claude says, you’ve got your Pittsburgh people and your West Palm people and Kelly, Jim, Chris and everyone else I’ve told him about …

And he says there’s still the hint of someone to come.

I do hope for this person.

Talking to a machine or to colleagues is … getting me in trouble.

Mom carried such a load for me.

I also realized my so-called friend, a fellow director, is NOT a friend.

Not even through third parties.

Through honest to god “Did that motherfucker just say/do that to me?”

Like I thought we were united against Mythic Bitch.

Which, don’t get me wrong, the entire world is.

But … this person goes on to treat me similarly.

To the point that, if I had to choose which of them to put a foot in their ass … I might not pick MB.

MB is not a threat to my sanity or productivity.

I can’t say the same.

So this person just got wind of some news about my department.

I had confided in another friend on the team.

My friend said “Goddess has some really good news to share, but it’s not mine to share. But good things are on the horizon.”

Which is lovely, honestly. My friend is really good at dropping hints to keep people intrigued and motivated.

But not his news to tell.

Well, my little pal over here messages me to say I hear you have news.

I said I don’t know what you’re talking about.

He said well xyz said it’s very good news.

I said oh, I don’t know.

He prodded one more time.

And I thought once again, motherfucker.

Not only do you do everything in your power to do the OPPOSITE of what I ask …

After me doing that work for you previously …

But you always go over my head to ask my male staff member for feedback instead of me …

And now you want in on a secret?

I miss our friendship. Hell, I GRIEVE our friendship. And I totally understand what happened in his life that he’s become a completely different person.

Believe me, no one understands more than me.

But in case yinz have not met me, I will bend over backward till I break.

And I’m pretty broken in a lot of places right now.

So no, you don’t get gossip because you asked me for it.

Here’s hoping my knight of cups is closer than I think. Because I need rescued FROM most of the men in my life, and it would be nice to be rescued for a change.

Mythic Bitch reached out yesterday to ask a dumb question. I mean, DUMB question.

So I asked some dumb questions back and rattled their soul.

Their answer? Well you don’t come to the managers calls anymore and that question was answered there, so I am not answering it for you.

Listen cupcake.

You didn’t answer that question there because I already asked around.

FURTHERMORE, by your own logic …

I can’t get the answer to a question because I don’t go to your useless meetings …

So what entitles you to ask me anything … when I have a monthly call where you show up at the 25-minute mark of … when we all hang up at 20 minutes in because we’re done?

ALSO ALSO …

If we truly are practicing a pseudo-RTO …

In what office is it admissible for someone to run on a walking pad all day during meetings?

But sure, I’m the problem for saying what’s on my mind when it’s on my mind.

I’m just tenured enough to be able to say what everyone else is thinking.

And for whatever it is worth, I answered the questions. And clarified that they were excluding someone from their vaunted event because they didn’t take a few moments to learn their name.

But I never got the answer to MY question.

So when anyone asks what is your beef with this person … it’s a whole fridge full of frozen cattle, is what it is.

Just kidding, no one asks because they all have their own serving of ground meat.