Caterwauling

No, that’s not how long it’s been since I left my desk at work (although it’s been more than 13 HOURS). It’s the 10-year observance of the passing of Princess Diana.

It’s been all over the cable news channels today, and I hate to admit it, but it was a welcome break from Ben Bernanke and Prez-e-dent Shrub. (Incidentally, did you catch “Celebrity Rap Superstar” last night? They had better grammar than Shrubbish in his talk today.)

Anyway, I remember where I was when I heard the news. A lot has changed since then. Different city, different circle of friends. I know how to get in touch with all of them, although wanting to? Meh. Those ships sailed and even sank, for the most part.

I was 23, working a job I HATED, and I went drinking every weekend and pretty much most weekdays, too. Now I’m 33, working a job I love, and working nights and weekends instead of partying. Awesome. I’m probably earning four times as much, but I’m paying about five times as much for rent. Gained two cats and too much weight. Lost a ton of friends and probably that much weight … and gained it back again. Was smoking a pack a day then; now smoking a pack a month.

I remember wanting so very much to be taken seriously in my career; now I’m wondering where the hell all this responsibility came from. I was an angry, disgruntled supervisee who detested every idiot above me who couldn’t spot talent if it was shoved in their mouth like a ball gag. Now I’m going with the flow and being hands-off and open to every new idea I hear, having learned what it was like to not be provided that opportunity for most of my career.

I’m still as relationship-stunted as ever. I still run at the first sign of not even conflict, but lack of absolute adoration on my part. It takes a LOT for me to let my guard down even the slightest bit, and I want to be wooed and courted and romanced and dazzled. If I’m not, I’m gone. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, end of story. If you’re going to show me something, you need to show me everything.

So many things have changed since that night in which the four of us then-friends sat in an empty apartment, listening to the news of the princess’ death on the radio because that was our only connection to the outside world. My grandparents are gone. Only two friends from that time in my life are still around. I’ve attended as many weddings as I have funerals and bought more baby gifts than both combined.

I’ve lived in almost as many apartments as years that have passed. I rose in one field, started over at the bottom of another and am rising to the top of that one, only to be experimenting with a new field that combines the best of both. I’ve gone from spreading myself thin with several jobs at once to spending the same amount of time at one, but that’s what I wanted.

I’ve got the same cat and added another. I’ve got more friends that I’ve never met than I have in real life. I’ve met a lot of famous and pseudo-famous people and traveled to a bunch of different cities. My dreams have gotten smaller due to disillusionment and yet grow bigger as I decide that hey, they’re still good dreams after all.

It’s been quite the decade, and it’s only just that — both a milestone and a stepping stone.

Here’s to another eventful 10 years in which I will look back and be amazed and just how fast it went by and how far I managed to go. Cheers to looking back, fondly.

So I had a doctor’s appointment today. Which of course brings being wrapped in a napkin — i.e., the paper-gown top that doesn’t close in the front and the life-sized napkin to hold over your cooch as they talk to you. And did I need to be undressed for anything more than the EKG? No. Misery.

Anyway, of course they got on me about the occasional smoking. (Hey, I think a pack a month is pretty damned good!) I said, look, Marlboro is what’s keeping the homicide rate in Montgomery County so low. Why judge?

They also got on me about not exercising other than sprinting to the ladies’ room occasionally. I said hey, I have those hand-sized barbells in my office, but I have to keep them hidden lest I whale one at a deserving noggin. Again, see death rate in MoCo: low because I’m not contributing to it!

It wasn’t all fun and games. I had a reason for going in, other than to get a physical and tetanus shot. Unfortunately, we couldn’t just fix what I wanted to get fixed. In fact, I got the name of a specialist and a, “Surgery might be your only option.” Because that’s just what I need to hear before I’ve had any coffee for the day.

Anyway, I’m staring at the phone number right now and trying to grow enough of a set to make the call. As the doc said, I’m too young to be dealing with this crap — might as well get it fixed now. And I said it was hard enough taking the time off work to attend this appointment, and you think I need SURGERY? Don’t you know Ye Olde Employment Establishment is going to put my laptop in my hands on the operating table?

I so don’t have time for this shit. Of course, that’s why it’s progressed this far. *sigh*

Isn’t it enough to just be good at your job — do I have to surmount impossible obstacles with relationships and health, too? Can’t I just skate by, once in awhile?!?!?

I was supposed to start fasting about a half-hour ago for a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, but I just got home and threw a Lean Cuisine in the microwave. Usually I drive through Wendy’s the night before tests and we all WONDER why my blood pressure comes out high.

Perhaps it comes out high because, before every battery of tests I submit myself to, the day has to be a fustercluck.

It’s clearly OK for people to be morons and convolute the processes beyond recognition and offer no help and ask no questions before looking at you and saying, “Well, it’s your fault you didn’t tell me ‘Simon Says.’” It’s also OK for others to take a dump on our dreams. But to fix these adventures? You’re never going to be able to. So you do your best. And sometimes, it costs a whole buttload of cash to fix someone else’s even-bigger mess.

Of course, there I was proud of myself for all I achieved today, although the “mistake” garnered a, “You did what?” Meanwhile, sometimes it feels like others can do deliberately stupid things and yet they’re still allowed to reproduce, while every gray hair on my head is earned by trying to do what’s in the best interest of the greater good.

This lunar eclipse in Virgo is really testing my ability not only to hold my tongue, but to also refrain from holding a gun to my temple. But my luck, I’d miss and end up as dumb as it feels everyone is trying to make me.

I’m trying to lie low during this astrological clusterfuck known as this week’s lunar eclipse in Pisces and the solar eclipse in Virgo on Sept. 11. To say it’s been a challenging day for communication is an understatement, so I’ll focus on the positive: I left work during rush hour. For the first time. Ever.

Yesterday’s workload burned me out. It wasn’t even the work so much as the fact that it takes 37 people to screw in a goddamned light bulb. And the key component of the whole operation is about as dim as a burned-out filament.

Anyway, since yesterday’s shift ended just shy of 11 p.m., I thought 5 p.m. was a superb time to leave today — I know, MADNESS! And holy shit, the rush-hour TRAFFIC that’s clogging my fair city at that hour is unbelievable.

And you know what? I LOVED every second of it. Not the asshole Maryland drivers, of course, but the being in the car … during daylight hours … with the sunroof open … and with the music blasting. (Bon Jovi, natch.) I had time to go out and DO something. It was empowering. A half-hour barely moving on the highway sure beats, well, sitting in a chair for a half-hour and NOT MOVING.

This eclipse is favoring home matters right now — to get my affairs in order and pass up any extra projects that I would normally volunteer for that keep me away from it. I think it’s a glorious idea, but I get behind when I don’t take a day off — what happens when I do is nothing short of pandemonium!

Speaking of, I have work I meant to do tonight, but I’m also staring in the face of an early conference call tomorrow and another day chock-full of wrestling with my demons. But that glimpse of sunshine? That ever-elusive orb of wonder that I never get to see on a day that ends in “y”? Was inspiration enough to get up and do it all over again for another day … all in the hopes of getting another glimmer of a world outside the one in which I’m immersed.

“Oh patron saint of lonely souls
Tell this (girl) which way to go
Guide the car, you got the keys
Farewell to mediocrity
Kicking off the cruise-control
And turning up the radio
Got just enough religion
And a half tank of gas come on, let’s go.”

– Bon Jovi, “Lost Highway”

Since it’s going to be a stupendously long day, I don’t feel bad about taking a blog break. So, here goes nothing (literally!).

I’m a firm believer in destiny and things working out as they should. But I read something in Cosmo this weekend (it’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to a bible — shut up) that it’s all fine and swell and stuff to expect things will turn out the way you want them to, but you can’t get lazy and just expect all’s well that ends well without actually DOING the work necessary to achieve those predetermined goals.

That sort of served as a kick in the ass for me, because while I’ve never been afraid of hard work, well, I do enough of it all week, thankyouverymuch. When it comes to the trainwreck that is my personal life, I sort of tend to rest on my laurels because, well, why shouldn’t SOMETHING come easily for a change?

But then again, while I know I’m destined to weigh less than I do now, I don’t see me stopping the ice cream diet anytime soon. I may skip dinner in favor of a lovely waffle cone at my friendly neighborhood ice cream joint (the birthday-cake-flavored ice cream is my weakness– dear god, it’s frozen frosting. *slurp*)

Where was I?

Oh, right. Destiny and all that jazz. Anyway, I think I’ve let a lot of opportunities pass me by as I’ve “waited” for something that might or might not never come to pass. Maybe it will still come. Or maybe I didn’t evolve enough for it. Maybe I’ve been afraid of evolving TOO MUCH and growing away from it.

But this pseudo-inertia in the interim certainly hasn’t been helping matters, either.

I guess I should just go about running in place before the direction becomes clear. At least I’ll be in motion for when I need to jump on whatever it is that I’ve been missing and/or that I SHOULDN’T be missing either in the meantime or even going forward indefinitely. ‘Cause it’s pretty hard to get up off my ass when it gives me time to reconsider.

Bottom line — there’s nothing wrong with going wherever the wind blows you. But unless you don’t mind it slamming you into the occasional tree, perhaps thinking ahead and donning some protective headgear (and maybe a compass) wouldn’t be such a bad idea so that we don’t get a concussion or detoured too badly from not just being where we’re supposed to be, but also being where we WANT to be.