Caterwauling

Too twisted for color TV inside my head right now, but can’t let this opportunity slide to get some old-fashioned venting out of my system lest I take it out on the people who really deserve to get pimp-slapped for their stupidity:

* Iowa primaries: Damn it, damn it, damn it. My Hillary needs to make a strong showing in New Hampshire. And I need to figure out where the fuck my voter registration card is and whether I can still vote at the same place.

* Tigers eating people at zoos: Stop tormenting the tigers, poking the penguins, etc. All you assholes who keep jabbing me with a stick repeatedly are lucky that I don’t pounce and rid the world of dumbassery, one pain-in-the-ass at a time. I feel bad that they had to put down the tiger who attacked — I understand that once it has the taste of human blood, it will probably want more. But still, you put wild animals in a semi-partioned area and you don’t think instinct is going to take over eventually?

* That’s goddess with a small ‘g’ today: I’ve never doubted my ability to run the empire. But I’m so worn down by the metric shitload of distractions that I’m staring at the mountain and wondering why I didn’t turn out like those who just put in their time and can leave it all behind when the clock strikes five. And is it too late to become like that, or would this tiger go apeshit after 10 minutes with that mentality?

* The gym I wanted to join is sort of expensive: As if I didn’t have enough excuses. But it’s either therapy or the gym — I feel like goddamned Jamiroquai in the “Virtual Insanity” video. The walls are closing in from all sides and I want to hide in a really big hat. I’d say I want to sleep all day, but guess who’s battling insomnia again?

* Can my cats just crap inside the box, just once? And stop overturning all the trash cans in the house to look for food? Fat little fuckers act like they don’t get fed. Sheesh. Maddie will literally chomp on the cookie, sammich or whatever you have in your hand. Is there a kitty gym membership, too? Because THAT I’d be glad to pay for!

So I’ve been going to church for about two months now, and it’s been about as spiritually impactful as seeing a good movie. Entertaining for an hour, but mostly whatever euphoria (if you can call it that) usually dies off by the time they collect the offering. So, it’s just like a movie that you pay for after you’ve seen it instead of the beginning.

And I’m not even going to try to claim that the holy spirit kicked me in the ass today, but it was probably the first time that I heard the sermon and thought, “That’s me!” with practically everything that was articulated. Perhaps it was because the session was about when we don’t know whether to shit or go sailing — er, I think their exact words were “figuring out which way is up” but, you know, same difference. 😉

The interesting thing was that the speaker who usually gets under my skin, and not always in a good way, delivered what might have been one of the best messages I’ve heard so far.

I swear, I don’t set out to write a secular blog; nor do I set out to deconstruct what I was taught. But alas, I had to disagree (in my head) when he said that we’re all battling a gravitational pull toward selfishness.

I have to disagree because I have to battle selflessness. I’ve been taken on one too many a ride in my day for letting my “nice” nature set me up for a fall from people who, indeed, succumbed to that very gravitational pull we discussed today. Hell, I’m fairly sure it’s safe to say that I’m being taken for granted right now, in more ways than one.

Recently, the pastor’s wife suggested that I bring one of those very thorns in my side to church. And I said, “I know full well that this is the wrong forum with which to be selfish with my time, but I’ve got to say no. This is my only escape, and I have to preserve it right now.”

I suppose I should be flattered that someone is so interested in the minutiae of my life. But fuck, I’M not even interested in it. Nor am I really excited to hear about anyone else’s. If I say I’m going AWOL and offer no other details, why must 20 questions follow it up? Why does it make me such a horrible person to need the space I always used to have?

Anyway, the really cute moment of the sermon came after, when a very nice young man introduced me to the pastor. And during the service, he had quoted something that U2’s Bono had said to explain the feeling behind the song “Vertigo,” which was that, to set oneself right again after feeling a bout of vertigo:

“… And then you see somebody and she’s got a cross around her neck, and you focus on it, because you can’t focus on anything else. You find a little tiny fragment of salvation there.”

The cute part? The second the pastor looked at me, he said, “And she’s got a cross around her neck.” Which, clearly, I did. 🙂 And I liked him even more for that.

My cross necklace was actually left over from my (brief) goth phase. Black cord, big silver-and-black cross, and a moonstone in the middle. In fact, I used to collect crosses. Not in any religious sense, but there was something about going out drinking while wearing crosses that made perfect sense in my then-21-year-old mind. In fact, I wasn’t even going to wear it today but figured, really, is there anywhere better to wear it?!?!

SPEAKING OF FIGHTING GRAVITY …

I had plans yesterday but was told asked to accommodate someone else for the day. My plan was to go shopping for workout wear and to join a gym. I already know where I want to be; I just can’t find anything to wear. Isn’t that always the case?

So, I accommodated everyone under the sun but myself yesterday and decided today would be the day for my plans. And the road to hell is paved with what, boys and girls? Exactly.

I never did go to that gym today. The first reason is because they have now e-mailed and called a total of five times in two days. (I have a trial membership; they haven’t gotten the credit card yet and, at this rate, they might never see it.)

The second reason is that no athletic company under the sun makes it easy for people of size to find anything to wear to work out in. So, effectively, it’s hard enough to get motivated to be seen, but to not have anything respectable to be seen IN? Madness. It’s all about removing the obstacles; I’m more than HAPPY to say the reason why I didn’t go to the gym was because those adorable yoga pants looked better on the rack.

I did go shopping for workout wear. I must have tried on a dozen and a half pairs of pants. And it irritates the bejeezus out of me that there are tons of cute workout outfits for the smaller sizes, but for the people who really need to work out? Not a goddamned thing. I swear, just one size bigger in the pants would have been perfect. Just because the pants fit, doesn’t mean someone like me should be sporting anything spandex-y under any circumstances. Trust me, people — the extra breathing room is for YOUR benefit just as much as it is mine!

I did find a cute fleecy pair of brown workout pants — bootcut, even! — at Tarzhay. But I was one donut away from sporting a camel toe, so no donuts and no cloven hoofs. *shudder* The workout that goes with finding workout clothes is about as hard as any hour on the stairmaster and certainly kills one’s appetite in the process.

I hate to be one of those a-holes who has “losing weight” on the new year’s resolution list, but I do have “get healthy.” I have exactly no time for myself anymore — someone is always up my ass. And when I do get five minutes? Eating is the only thing that brings me joy lately. Don’t get me wrong — I run around the mall and go shopping as much as possible, so I’m getting mah heart pumping.

But I also have the need to smash things and hit things and scream sometimes. And everyone I know who works out brags about sleeping better and working out the aggression before/after dealing with the humans who cause it. Even better, if I’m nowhere near anyone who knows me while I’m doing it, I can’t think of a better way of getting “me” time and actually doing something constructive with it.

I love how so many bloggers apologize for being away for a few days, because they are doing such a disservice to all four of their readers. Me? Meh. *waves to the two of you who read this crap regularly*

November is also National Blog Posting Month, which requires daily posting. So here I am, kicking off my month on Nov. 3. Don’t EVER have high expectations of me — I’ll do my best NOT to meet them!

I’ve been catching up on sleep and that’s about it. I set my alarm for work on Thursday morning, let it play for an hour, said fuck it and turned it off. And slept till nearly noon. I’ve never done that before. It was awesome. Am fairly certain it was the highlight of my week. Well, that and the tranny who waited on me when I went out to dinner that day who couldn’t get anything right but had a mad-fierce prance.

I’ve sort of had it with incompetence. I was telling one of my friends about the insufferable ineptitude with which I’ve been dealing this week, and how I just don’t have it in me to fight anymore. And he said it didn’t sound like the Goddess he knew — that I don’t let stupid shit slide, as a general rule. And I felt stupid for not fighting for my due, when he put it that way. But can’t “being too tired to fight right now” serve as a plausible excuse for the time being? I mean, it’s taking everything in me to look at the bright side. I can’t focus one extra iota of attention on anything else. Once I get back my strength, I’ll be fine. I promise.

One thing I do know is that I’m ready for a new car. Going from driving a veritable tank in Reno to my twee wind-up Matchbox wonder has sucked mightily. I liked sitting up high and when I wanted to merge, people let me merge because they certainly wouldn’t have won a fight against my big, bad Pacifica. Now I’ve got to deal with idiot D.C. drivers again who think it’s cute to shine their headlights into my car and tailgate me at 80 mph. (And the sheer irony is that I got a speeding ticket for doing 36 in a 25. Am counting blessings that I wasn’t caught at my “normal” speed!)

Oh, terrific — Maddie just shat on the carpet. Again. Talk about something I don’t miss while I’m traveling. Good news is, as soon as I pay off these expenses, I’ve got another trip waiting for me. …

Man, I seriously have nothing to say. Wow. Revel in the silence, people.

I booked my hotel for the weekend. Jacuzzi suite, kids. I may never leave it and the rental car will be a waste of $120.

Actually, I have to vacate the glorious room on Monday as I have a quickie work commitment while I’m out where the deer and the antelopes play, so I downgraded my room for the last few days of my trip. Can’t go charging that one back to the company, although a girl can dream. 😉

It’s been a rocky month. Man, I don’t know how I’ve made it this far without charges being brought against me for the mere images of homicides I could have committed. All I have to say is this, as it applies pretty much across the board: If you promise to not talk to me, can I get that in writing? Pretty please?!?!

In other boring news, I’d like to know how my insurance company cannot manage to send my policy/ID cards to my new address (and I’ve been here six months) BUT the idiots are sending my deceased grandfather’s bills to my address. Apparently anyone with my last name EXCEPT me can get a bill here!

I wish I only had to pay the $100 that his monthly bill is — shit, they’re telling me that mine is $160 a month — and that was the cheapest quote I could find! (Fucking D.C.)

Work is actually manageable, which means I’m either slacking off or forgetting about something huge. Actually, it’s more a testament to the fact that I hired really well. How did I used to do all of this stuff by myself? And why do I feel guilty now when I can leave at 6 p.m.? *sigh*

In any event, if I can just get this week’s project pulled out of my butt off, I will be a happy girl. Otherwise, next week’s work trip will be a waste of thousands of dollars in manpower and equipment. No pressure, of course. 😉

Excellent, I’ve just put myself to sleep. And probably you, too. In that case, Zzzzzzzzzzz …

Three blogs in one. Aren’t you lucky?

Things I’ve learned today:

1. When you do favors for people, they expect more favors.

Don’t do people favors. Or, charge them so that it’s less a favor than an exchange of money for services. That way, the annoying follow-up that comes to your work phone, cell phone, e-mail and Instant Messenger account all at once as they kill themselves to track you down won’t make you want to stab yourself (or them) for trying to be nice.

2. My team? Is Teh Awesome.

After spending the morning in training on how to build effective teams, I know I have a cakewalk right now in that realm. The group activities reinforced it, as I cannot fathom why some people refuse to participate. Then again, I saw that same thing in action last week — if you’re invited to an event by senior management, for god’s sake, adding to the conversation IS NOT OPTIONAL.

We did some sort of consensus-building exercise in which our plane crashed in the Amazon and we had to figure out the importance of the items we needed to take with us to find civilization, of the items we had available. My group immediately got about doing the task, and let me tell you, those were six strong personalities. But we had fun and we talked and we really “got” the consensus-building stuff.

However, I admit that I personally was somewhat of a hindrance to it, because we landed in a coconut grove and one of our available items was a pack of cigarettes, which I ranked as “very important” to take with us. While others debated the merits of the cigarettes, I was lagging behind in the coconut grove, making rum drinks and chain-smoking.

And while the discussion arose about just how important the revolver would be to our survival, I made the argument that we needed to prioritize the mosquito nets, which they didn’t feel the same about (one of the girls actually had been to the Amazon and said she barely needed a net there). So I decided I should turn the mosquito net into pantyhose. And that the revolver was getting used on anyone who wouldn’t let me have a smoke (they said a nonsmoker should control the pack).

The group consensus? That I’d be the first one they killed and ate. 🙂

At which point I said we should use the 20 boxes of matches we had available and just burn down the whole rainforest and light up a celebratory smoke and drink my rum.

Lesson learned? I’m perhaps the most-fun person to work for, but you don’t ever want to be stranded on an island with me.

3. My car insurance company is Teh Suckage.

My policy expired awhile ago. I contacted them before said expiration to ask where the fuck my new ID card and policy were. They said they would mail them. This was 20 days ago. We now have a 14-message-long e-mail chain in which I begged them to send me the policy and card via e-mail so I can download, review, print and pay. I disagree with the amount they want to charge me, and I don’t see the point of making a payment if I don’t have the policy OR the proof of coverage in-hand.

Insurance company e-mailed me the other day, “Do you want us to send you the policy via e-mail? What about the ID card?” AFTER I HAD ASKED THEM TO SEND BOTH.

So I write back today, “Since you have not MAILED me the policy/cards as-requested, please see my original e-mail to yes, please, E-MAIL me both items.”

So they write back, “You have to make that type of request over the phone.”

KILL. KILL. KILL.

Clearly Asinine Insurance Company employs the people who refused to cooperate with the task in No. 2. There were those of us who forged ahead and tried to get our team to safety, and then there were the dead weights who refused to leave the crash site that was 80 miles from civilization. I hope an alligator eats them, and I hope I was smart enough to walk away with the revolver so that they couldn’t be saved!

Oh, where do I even begin?

• I’d like to know why my iPhone selectively uploads photos. I took 12 photos this week. I know that for a fact. But only nine got uploaded. And two of the photos are all black on the computer, which, they weren’t on the phone. Usually, I hit “delete originals” when I do the upload, but today I didn’t choose that option, and it confirmed my suspicion that my memory wasn’t failing me about photos I could have SWORN that I had taken.
• I’d also like to know why my iTunes selectively acknowledges the iPhone’s presence on my Mac. I hate having to close everything down and do a restart so I can sync the fucking thing. Perhaps I need to move my 6,000-song library to my laptop (ugh) and sync from there. Either that or drag the G4 tower over to the Genius Bar.
• Roomie’s been out of town for a week. They’ve stayed where they are because, according to them, I didn’t provide return directions. Um, you found your way here to move in, yes? Did you not acquaint yourself with a map once you arrived at your destination? Seriously. It’s been a terrific week, BTW. 🙂 Best week ever!
• My best friend may be coming to a state or two south of me for Christmas. I am looking at hotel room prices in the area. That’s the thing — beachfront hotels are cheap in December … EXCEPT the week between Christmas and New Year’s, because most of them do New Year’s Eve packages. Grumble, hiss, piss, moan. And isn’t it bad enough I’m at the beach but can’t GO to it?
• Twitter, I can’t quit you, even though you won’t load in Firefox on my laptop anymore. Thank god for PocketTweets.
• So the jury’s still out whether I will go to church tomorrow (maybe I’ll hit the earlier services — fewer people to witness the apocalypse), but I have no bible. Actually, I had one, years ago, but I left it on the curb with a bunch of other books I didn’t think I’d need (like marketing books. Who knew I’d get into marketing five years later?!?!) when I left Pittsburgh.

  But never fear — I’ve got the best holy book on the planet right here: Teh Holiez Bibul (lolcat-style). From the Book of Job: “Teh Ceiling Cat giv me cheezburger, teh Ceiling Cat takded mah cheezburger awai. I stil laiks teh Ceiling Cat.”

Cognitive dysentery, served up piping-hot daily!

• Not one to have anything on Paris Hilton, Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson, Vince Neil, Bret Michaels and Dustin Diamond, the next person to have a sex tape get stolen? MY MOTHER. She swears she accidentally threw out an old tape, and it happened to be the same night that her ghetto-ass next-door neighbor got overwhelmed by curiosity at Mom’s very-private life and WENT THROUGH HER TRASH. What a fucking freak, and I ain’t talking about Mom. Although, admit it — how many of you can say your parents now have a sex tape (probably) on the Internet? 😉
• I have a stalker. Yes, ANOTHER. Seriously, people, stop it with the stalking already. I’m not as interesting as you think I am. Really. Well, actually I AM, but still. Begone! My boys are taking care of the latest adventure. Have I mentioned how much I love big, strong men who worship me? The sane ones, let me clarify!
• I just got a 2008 calendar and happily marked off my next birthday. When … *gulp* … I realized it was “34.” Oh dear GOD how did I get this old? I always said I’d be married (and probably divorced — twice!) by 34. Talk about a slap in the face with a brick!
• I wasn’t necessarily lost last night as I left one area of D.C. to go to another, but since you can’t directly backtrack anywhere, I did have a moment of trying a new route to get back to where I needed to be. And I assure you, nobody knows D.C. better than I do because I”m always turned-around in it. But I stepped briefly into Northern Virginia, and I couldn’t help but realize I always find myself lost in that area of town. Metaphorically, metaphysically AND directionally.
• This online dating adventure? Is suddenly quite promising. I’m pretty fucking pleased with it, actually. Once you get away from the sites “everybody” knows about and locate more of a niche, it’s so much more manageable. I yanked my profile off every site but one, and it’s yielded more results than the others combined.
• A friend of mine is looking to move to my neighborhood. I’m hoping she considers moving to my particular place. We hang out here and there, and she’s fun and always thinking up new things to do. It’ll be terrific to have a nearby partner in crime.
• A friend recommended the new Sara Bareilles CD on iTunes. I. Cannot. Stop. Playing. It. I’m partial to “City,” although “Between the Lines” sufficiently killed me inside and don’t get me started on “One Sweet Love.” Because I will have to listen to them again. And again.

Today’s Horoscope — Gemini

A new love or friendship could come your way, Goddess, from a distant state or foreign country, perhaps through a common interest in astrology, science, or modern technology.

Is that an iPhone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Oh, wait, it IS an iPhone. LOL

Inspiring information about one of your interests could set you off on a new course of study and bring new people into your life.

My mom is starting to get worried because every time I go out and she asks me if I met any good men, I always tell her about some fabulous woman that was at the party or social gathering. There are apparently no interesting men left in the world, and fewer of them are being born so I may just go gay for the sake of convenience.

And what’s up with fewer boys being born? If the old wives’ tale holds true that you have to be on your back to conceive a boy, that just means we’ve all been enjoying riding the horsey too much. C’mon ladies, it’s fun to lie on your back — now you can surf the Internet while he’s playing whack-a-mole!

This is the sort of day when wonderful things happen and doors open for you — though unless you make the most of them, the opportunities could pass.

I can’t wait for the doors to open. Hopefully they’ll open OUT and not bash me in the head as I’m leaning against them. 😉

Superb article on “How to Retain Your Gen-X Workforce”. Made me feel better about how I question absolutely everything and I can’t figure out why looking forward “only” a month is about as visionary as I can get.

I think I have more of the previous generation’s “I must work until I die” resignation, although the next generation’s “There’s got to be a better way” mantra resounds very well with me. I think a lot of us look at work more as a punishment for something we did bad in a past life, than as something that gives us the means to enjoy what little time we spend away from it.

For those of us in creative fields, it’s hard to shut it off and enjoy an evening/weekend either because creativity doesn’t come during the 9-to-5 shift of generations past or because there’s just so much to do that the to-do list never ends. Technology helps us to get more done in a day than our predecessors got done in a week or even a month, but it also follows us everywhere.

There’s literally no reason you can’t/shouldn’t be productive every minute of every day. And that’s bad for the creative cycle — not necessarily the pressure to perform, as many of us thrive on deadline, but that we can’t constantly keep churning it out without finding ways to replenish it.

I’m not complaining — I love my work and my team and all the cool stuff I have the opportunity to do. But where I get stuck is in all the time wasted on depending on other people, because there goes 40 hours right there. But to do the awesome resume-building stuff that would make my portfolio absolutely kick ass? Lord, there isn’t enough coffee to keep me awake for them, and I find that those tasks I (would) love most tend to get the least of my attention.

Some people are meant to manage. The rest of us are meant to soar above all the b.s. And that’s what keeps us always on the lookout for the next opportunity. And it’s why people go to work for themselves, although granted it’s a myth that you’ll ever be free of the crap work even when you’re the boss. But the dream of doing more of what you want is what keeps folks dreaming of it, and doing it if they can.

I just wish those of us with that more immediate-goal-focused mentality could blow those boomers out of the last century and see what would happen if we ruled the world. Ties are better used on bedposts, damn it!!!

Anyway, I lifted this from the article:

Myth: They don’t want to put in the hours to get ahead.

Reality: They are willing to put in the time to do the job, however they are uninterested in “face time.” Gen Xers and Millenials view time as a currency. While Baby Boomers tend to see time as something to invest, the younger generations view it as a valuable currency not to be wasted. These are the generations that demand work-life balance and paid time off. They want to get the job done, then put it behind them and enjoy life.

Myth: They don’t want to grow up.

Reality: They really don’t know how. The youngest generations in today’s workforce are facing a delayed adulthood. They are getting married later, having children later and just generally facing the “real world” later. This isn’t the result of a mutated maturity gene, it just is. And if we are being completely honest, Boomers had a lot to do with why it’s happening. First, as parents, Boomers had a tendency to coddle their children and use their own good fortune to make sure their children didn’t experience adversity. Second, as career models, Boomers demonstrated the toll of working long hours and “paying one’s dues” in a way that made their children less likely to follow in their footsteps. Millenials today look at the corporate ladder and think, “there must be another way.”

I’d call it a day from hell, but it’s only the first circle of the inferno. (It’s those eighth-concentric-circle days that you’ve got to watch out for.) Today there was just a warm breeze and not an eternal flame up my ass, so yay for survival! 😉

* You know I complain all the time because restaurants can’t get my order right because apparently I’m too well-spoken. So tonight, I wasn’t the least bit surprised when our dinner order got screwed up … at a Mexican restaurant. At least they were cheerful enough to make the order right, so kudos there.

* Today boys and girls, we learned that if you’re going to be taping a Web video (via, say, Camtasia Studio) in which you are showing people neat stuff they can do with Teh Interwebs, for God’s sake, CLEAR YOUR HISTORY. Why the hired help was surfing SexToySex.com, however, is a question for another day. …

* The quote of the day comes in relation to someone I haven’t stopped bitching about for six months, but I wasn’t the one who came up with this. But that won’t stop me from using it. “[Dumbshit] is one of those people who thinks they can eat coal and fart out a diamond.” I’d say that’s an excellent summation for anyone who thinks they’re better than you are!