Fighting gravity

So I’ve been going to church for about two months now, and it’s been about as spiritually impactful as seeing a good movie. Entertaining for an hour, but mostly whatever euphoria (if you can call it that) usually dies off by the time they collect the offering. So, it’s just like a movie that you pay for after you’ve seen it instead of the beginning.

And I’m not even going to try to claim that the holy spirit kicked me in the ass today, but it was probably the first time that I heard the sermon and thought, “That’s me!” with practically everything that was articulated. Perhaps it was because the session was about when we don’t know whether to shit or go sailing — er, I think their exact words were “figuring out which way is up” but, you know, same difference. 😉

The interesting thing was that the speaker who usually gets under my skin, and not always in a good way, delivered what might have been one of the best messages I’ve heard so far.

I swear, I don’t set out to write a secular blog; nor do I set out to deconstruct what I was taught. But alas, I had to disagree (in my head) when he said that we’re all battling a gravitational pull toward selfishness.

I have to disagree because I have to battle selflessness. I’ve been taken on one too many a ride in my day for letting my “nice” nature set me up for a fall from people who, indeed, succumbed to that very gravitational pull we discussed today. Hell, I’m fairly sure it’s safe to say that I’m being taken for granted right now, in more ways than one.

Recently, the pastor’s wife suggested that I bring one of those very thorns in my side to church. And I said, “I know full well that this is the wrong forum with which to be selfish with my time, but I’ve got to say no. This is my only escape, and I have to preserve it right now.”

I suppose I should be flattered that someone is so interested in the minutiae of my life. But fuck, I’M not even interested in it. Nor am I really excited to hear about anyone else’s. If I say I’m going AWOL and offer no other details, why must 20 questions follow it up? Why does it make me such a horrible person to need the space I always used to have?

Anyway, the really cute moment of the sermon came after, when a very nice young man introduced me to the pastor. And during the service, he had quoted something that U2’s Bono had said to explain the feeling behind the song “Vertigo,” which was that, to set oneself right again after feeling a bout of vertigo:

“… And then you see somebody and she’s got a cross around her neck, and you focus on it, because you can’t focus on anything else. You find a little tiny fragment of salvation there.”

The cute part? The second the pastor looked at me, he said, “And she’s got a cross around her neck.” Which, clearly, I did. 🙂 And I liked him even more for that.

My cross necklace was actually left over from my (brief) goth phase. Black cord, big silver-and-black cross, and a moonstone in the middle. In fact, I used to collect crosses. Not in any religious sense, but there was something about going out drinking while wearing crosses that made perfect sense in my then-21-year-old mind. In fact, I wasn’t even going to wear it today but figured, really, is there anywhere better to wear it?!?!


I had plans yesterday but was told asked to accommodate someone else for the day. My plan was to go shopping for workout wear and to join a gym. I already know where I want to be; I just can’t find anything to wear. Isn’t that always the case?

So, I accommodated everyone under the sun but myself yesterday and decided today would be the day for my plans. And the road to hell is paved with what, boys and girls? Exactly.

I never did go to that gym today. The first reason is because they have now e-mailed and called a total of five times in two days. (I have a trial membership; they haven’t gotten the credit card yet and, at this rate, they might never see it.)

The second reason is that no athletic company under the sun makes it easy for people of size to find anything to wear to work out in. So, effectively, it’s hard enough to get motivated to be seen, but to not have anything respectable to be seen IN? Madness. It’s all about removing the obstacles; I’m more than HAPPY to say the reason why I didn’t go to the gym was because those adorable yoga pants looked better on the rack.

I did go shopping for workout wear. I must have tried on a dozen and a half pairs of pants. And it irritates the bejeezus out of me that there are tons of cute workout outfits for the smaller sizes, but for the people who really need to work out? Not a goddamned thing. I swear, just one size bigger in the pants would have been perfect. Just because the pants fit, doesn’t mean someone like me should be sporting anything spandex-y under any circumstances. Trust me, people — the extra breathing room is for YOUR benefit just as much as it is mine!

I did find a cute fleecy pair of brown workout pants — bootcut, even! — at Tarzhay. But I was one donut away from sporting a camel toe, so no donuts and no cloven hoofs. *shudder* The workout that goes with finding workout clothes is about as hard as any hour on the stairmaster and certainly kills one’s appetite in the process.

I hate to be one of those a-holes who has “losing weight” on the new year’s resolution list, but I do have “get healthy.” I have exactly no time for myself anymore — someone is always up my ass. And when I do get five minutes? Eating is the only thing that brings me joy lately. Don’t get me wrong — I run around the mall and go shopping as much as possible, so I’m getting mah heart pumping.

But I also have the need to smash things and hit things and scream sometimes. And everyone I know who works out brags about sleeping better and working out the aggression before/after dealing with the humans who cause it. Even better, if I’m nowhere near anyone who knows me while I’m doing it, I can’t think of a better way of getting “me” time and actually doing something constructive with it.

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