Caterwauling

8 p.m. Still at work. Watched the town Christmas tree lighting ceremony from our balcony. Wishing I were frolicking among the crowd instead of working.

Worked the weekend and I’m still in a crisis state. Just did all I could and am waiting on the kid.

I yelled at him yesterday. He asked if he should do something. I said no because it would fuck up our e-commerce.

He did it anyway. I’m talking boneheaded mistake. I raged. Like asked on what planet he thought that would be a good idea. That I needed to hear that answer.

I didn’t think he’d come back today. I may have been hopeful about that.

It’s better today. He tries. Nobody tries harder. I just don’t get why repetition doesn’t work.

I leave for my “vacation” on this day next week. I am disappointed that he can’t cover me. But maybe I’ll have time for a glass of wine with my favorite person and that will justify the trip.

Ok I hope more than a glass of wine is all I get to enjoy. But aiming high didn’t get me anywhere.

Ever tap into your inner bitch psychic and see where your life is going to be in three to six months? I’m feeling a “Violets are Blue” and “Prince of Tides” and “How to Make an American Quilt” mashup.

Unrelated, funny to hear from someone you have been missing and you can tell they’ve been missing you too.

Also unrelated, why do you take the chance on the people you take chances on? Like, why didn’t you run away like you usually do in one instance, or why did you run away from someone else only to look back and miss them? (See previous item.)

And why is life always about missing someone … not the least of which is yourself?

Related: Weekend plans just went up in smoke. Ergo not giving me any time to miss a certain someone. And I really, really need that time. Really.

Suppose you went on three or four dates with someone. (Five? Six? Define “dates.” Hmm.)

And suppose you drank yourself into cirrhosis, to the point where you were either throwing up all over the place, making out with random strangers and/or dancing on tabletops. Each time.

Suppose the person doing the asking ABANDONED YOU at a bar because he was so through with your behavior last month. Like, you had to get A CAB back to your car even though you were going back to the same place.

Would you be as floored when said person called to ask you to dinner?

And would you accept out of morbid curiosity?

And perhaps wonder about the timing? Even though they couldn’t possibly KNOW what you’re up to?

I would say there’d better be an apology in it, but then I’d have to atone for those three or four disasters I caused …

It has been such a hard day so far. And it’s 10:20 a.m.

But photos of a brand-new baby girl have been texted my way. And I can stop my crabbing long enough to ooh and aah. Because, that kid is cute.

I sent the pix to mom and she said she wants one. She has been asking for a snowflake baby and I kind of laugh. Because, when would I hatch that thing?

Anyway now that all the girls in the office are on the baby-frenzy precipice today, the baby’s daddy says he expects we’ll have a little baby boom here soon.

Hah.

As Mom said, “Guess it won’t be you. You are tied to your desk without a life. So good for them, as you say.”

You know, just when I think I am happy that I’ve made it to 40-ish without kids, a conversation like this has to happen.

Yep, never gonna meet Mr. Right with my life. That’s for sure. Never gonna have a kid at this rate.

I look at my friends who just accept that they didn’t get the life they wanted. And I look at others who fight for everything even after they repeatedly don’t get it.

And I know this life isn’t “enough” for me. But what would make it that way?

Maybe it’s not having a cute munchkin (and let’s face it, after my whole life of saying if I had to have a kid, I wanted it to be a son. But I really really really would rather have a little girl. If life worked out that way).

After all, cute little-girl munchkins also cry and scream and date and drive and sleep with interesting men. Like their mothers. 🙂

But I guess I wish I had the opportunity to live (or refuse) that life instead of not even having the chance to have it.

I’m really not in baby fever, mind you. I will swallow extra pills to prove it. (Washed down with whiskey. The only way to take pills in my house.)

But I guess it kind of bugs me that the younger (!) girls in my office still have a shot at having it all and I feel like I’m the one lagging them to the point that I will never catch up.

So I say I’m fine and I honestly am fine but I don’t know what to do if I ever end up really being NOT fine about it all.

I gave two employees HTML to plop into their newsletters.

It even had conditional content, which I supplied. Along with proper links and tracking codes. Because, I know I can keep this stuff straight.

I had another favor to ask, to put conditional content into the subject line.

One employee did it and finished his project in 10 minutes without incident.

I’m still staring at the walls, praying for death, as I wait for the other one to follow the same instructions.

For the third fifth time.

I’m thinking we try again tomorrow.

If I come back.

I was just musing about the lost art of asking people how you can help them before you go home for the night. Instead of frolicking out. Frolicking, I tell you.

Even today I asked my boss if there was anything I wasn’t thinking of that I could do. Me. With plenty to do. Because I will do anything to learn something new or do something extraordinary. Even if it’s on my own time.

It’s a shame, really, that it’s been years since I’ve met another me.

When I stayed second-to-last and now last, I was learning so much. Even when I wasn’t doing the hands-on work, I remember sitting with my boss and just absorbing so much about the job, the field and even about life from him. We had some good talks.

I probably made him stay even-later than he needed to. But I hope he know he became such a part of me. I never wanted to disappoint him. I was always so thrilled when I did him proud.

It just kills me that not everybody is like that. Granted, I wouldn’t trust anybody with the big important stuff. But I might trust them a lot more with the slightly less important stuff so I could do the big stuff better.

I wonder if that’s how my boss was. Maybe I just wore him down till he trusted me.

But at age 30 I was a peon and by age 30.5 I was running my own franchise and at 31 I was overseeing my own department, website and staff.

So, that’s why I’m the Goddess. And no one else stands a chance of coming close.

Kids today, I tell ya.

I had the most frustrating and awful visit with my famous neighbor yesterday.

We hadn’t seen each other in years and when I saw he was back in town, I left a note on his door to say I was thrilled that he was back (he’d had some pretty awful tenants since 2010) and I wanted to wish him a happy Thanksgiving in his Florida home.

He suggested I come over for a drink last night. Which I did. And I am still feeling violated on just about every level.

One thing he kept harping on was, “Don’t be dense.” I mean, we were having a highly intellectual conversation and I was keeping up very well, I think. I don’t go into battle unarmed, you know.

I was nice and complimenting him and being a good little neighbor. And he kept finding weak spots and jamming his finger into them. And while I don’t think I would have said anything or behaved any differently, I wish I would have known going in what a little bitch he really is.

I’ve been in a mood all weekend, feeling like Humpty Dumpty with wet glue. I didn’t need this shit. I’m not going to let this asshole break me.

But I’d really like to know why people like him think people like me exist for target practice when all I wanted was a little company and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of fellowship in a shitty, shitty world.

Fuck me.

It’s one of those eras where I can only blog in song.

“I’m in my cloud
I can feel the sunshine
It’s hotter here and I don’t mind
I’ve got myself and my peace of mind
I’m totally comfortable
Everything’s beautiful
I’m fine and I don’t worry anymore
This time I’m locked out of them before.”

Meiko, “The Cloud Song”

Just because I’m devoid of thought doesn’t mean I’m devoid of feeling. Maybe when I figure it out I’ll have words of my own.

After 8 p.m. Just closed the laptop on this day the company isn’t even open. And I’m still not caught up. But I achieved more alone than I would have otherwise. So I’ll call it a good day. Even though, well …

This is all I have to say right now.

Ended up having a wonderful Thanksgiving with one of my boys.

I hated leaving Mom at home (she was invited but was too sick to go out) but wow, did I have a good time. I cannot adequately express my gratitude for that. I think prime rib should be on every Thanksgiving table. And kugel. Mmmm.

Today I am working. As I will be tomorrow and Sunday. And I’ll probably be working during my measly four “vacation” days in December too.

I’m going to give thanks in advance for finally getting some good help. One day. In the meantime I have a tough conversation to prepare for while everyone else enjoys Black Friday and family time like normal people.