Onward ‘ho

May 28th, 2005, 8:22 AM by Dawn

Time to do the pilgrimage northbound. Not enough time with the family, I say, but way too much time on the road that should be spent with them.

In any event, I’m in a weird-ass mood. I burst into tears driving to work yesterday — and not like I did at my old job, because I hated going to that one — I really like my job now! I guess I was just too far inside my head. That, or it was my hormones. Or the evil combination that makes me cry at camera commercials. *sniffle*

Mom always used to cry while she drove — she was always in a rotten relationship or trying to get over someone. Me — totally the opposite. Never had/have the time for relationships. Maybe I was just always sick of seeing how hurt she always was and vowed to never do that to myself. I figure, if there’s a good one out there waiting for me, I’ll know it when I see it and won’t bring decades of baggage into it. I’m travelin’ light these days — the weight of the world is easing up on my tired shoulders and I’m back to riding the wind wherever I can.

In any event, I’m trying to pick appropriate driving music, don’t you always benefit from my time rooting around in my iTunes? Enjoy and have a wonderful holiday weekend!

South Park, “Kyle’s Mom is a Bitch”

Zero 7, “Distractions”

Queen Latifah, “Do Your Thing”

Sheilla Nicholls, “Elevator”

Black Lab, “Time Ago”

Ivy, “Nothing But the Sky”



Connections

May 27th, 2005, 7:43 AM by Dawn

Sometimes, the intensity and depth of my friendships scare the boojabbers out of me. Maybe it’s because my circle is such a tiny one anymore, but that just means the bonds are all the stronger.

I have a friend who’s having a baby. Her second, actually. I was there throughout the first pregnancy, the traumatic birth, the rough first year and the smooth sailing ever since. With the second one, I’ve not been around much for it, and I was worried that I wouldn’t have same connection with the new kid on the block like I did with the first.

But, I’m starting to think that the universe heard my worries, because when I first heard the little one was on its way, I knew it was going to be a boy. Which was recently confirmed. I knew with the first that she would be a girl. Hell, with the first, I thought my friend was pregnant long before she thought she was! 🙂 (It was the ghastly pallor — totally unmistakable.)

But the weird news was this: While I might never have kids and am not sure at this point in time that my life would be empty without any, I always had a name in mind — just in case. I had kept it to myself and never told a soul about it because, well, I’m just private like that (despite having a blog at my name dot com! Hah!). The important part of the story is that I never mentioned this name to my friend.

So, I’ve been wondering what she was gonna name the little fella. So she called the other day to sing happy birthday to me, and she later revealed what she plans to name the little man … and if you guess that she said THE name that I’d had on my mind, then you win a prize. (What the prize will be, however, I have NO idea!)

Anyway, once I got past being floored, I was overjoyed. I do have a connection to him, after all. Not like there was ever any doubt, because he’s my friend’s child and I will love him as much as her other one and as much as her, too. Of course, like Tiff said, now I don’t HAVE to have a kid of my own at all!!!

In any event, welcome to the world, Jordan. I can’t wait to meet you when you arrive!

On iTunes: Sarah McLachlan, “Train Wreck”



Drunken ramblings

May 25th, 2005, 11:57 PM by Dawn

I’m buzzed. And loving it. 🙂 (And there’s tunage involved for you if you sit through this shit.)

OK, so Carrie Underwood won “Idol” and the wet dream-inducing Bo Bice did not. Oh well. Fuck it. I didn’t agree with the winners for the last two years, either, so who gives a shit, really? He’ll have a better career than her, without Cowell and Company plotting his every move. And maybe Carrie will learn to hit the notes of the song the show gave her to learn. *twitch*

I was quite admiring Bo in his leather pants as we watched the finale on a large-screen plasma TV at a soiree tonight. I remember telling quite a few people that I hope to come back in my next life as those leather pants. Something tells me I will not be forgotten, based on that comment alone. Nor was I alone in that sentiment. 😉

I don’t even go for the long-haired rocker boys in real life anymore, which is the weird thing. But stick me in a Bo/Constantine sandwich, and all I can say is “Eat me!”

Anyway, you’d think that after 35 miles (traveled in 35 minutes — I swear, I got to King Street during Minute 34 — several curbs hit and several innocent people high-beamed, but I got here alive. Hooray), I’d be a lil more lucid. I’m such a freakin’ lightweight anymore — I only had two glasses of wine (Editor’s Note: Consumed in 15 minutes and right before locating the car). She turns 31 and hits old age. Waah! Thank GOD for Crystal Method on the CD player, keeping me awake (although taking my half out of the middle of the road. Oh well!).

This is the first birthday where I didn’t have cake. Or any plans in general. My best friend sent presents from the West Coast, so at least I had something to open. But I got cards (electronic and *gasp* those of the snail-mail variety), and I got special attention. I guess this is what birthdays are when you get older. I got sick of throwing my own bashes, only for people to make up stupid excuses to miss them or to show up and require more attention than I did as the birthday girl, so I really don’t have any complaints. I spent the evening with superbly fantastic people and, quite honestly, fell in love with my company all over again.

I had a few moments to myself, wherein I took a glass of chardonnay out onto the deck and stared into the starless sky and made a wish. It’s a big wish — one that I’ve been afraid to make. It’s a several-parter. And you know me — I’m not sharing it per se, but I will tell you that I am tired of survival. I’m tired of being grateful for the little things. Well, that’s not true — I am always happy with life’s little pleasures and instances of luck, but I want bigger. I want better. I want to live a life I never felt like I deserved before. I want to not lose the energy and motivation that so many others have nearly KILLED in me. I want the passion and energy to continue … and AMPLIFY … so that I (and the *right* partner) can build a strong foundation where dreams can continue to grow. I don’t want to hurt again the way I have. I don’t want to feel like life is a series of near-misses and heroic escapes. I want it to mean something — I want to aspire to be something more than Bo Bice’s leather pants. 😉 I want to have everything I ever wanted (which has never been all that much, truth be told) — and I want a thousand times more. Because I deserve it. I have earned it. And I will continue to earn it. And I will share it when it comes.

And I also want what I have — I want nights like tonight, singing a Billy Preston song back-to-back with T.S. I want talking about dreams and overcoming bullshit to get those dreams like I did with T.E. (who, incidentally, noted quite accurately that the wrong person won the November election, so why be surprised that “Idol” always has the wrong outcome). I want laughs and smiles across a room and genuine hugs and just a feeling of — for once — being included, accepted, wanted — like I got to glimpse tonight.

And I want what I wished for that I’m not the slightest bit brave enough to type.

And with that, that is certainly enough for tonight. 😉

On iTunes: Crystal Method f/Garbage, “I Think I’m Crystallized”



29 again. And again.

May 25th, 2005, 12:00 AM by Dawn

Third time’s gotta be a charm. 🙂

Your Birthdate: May 25
Your birth on the 25th day of the month (7 energy) modifies your life path by giving you some special interest in technical, scientific, or other complex and often hard to understand subjects.

You may become something of a perfectionist and a stickler for details.

Your thinking is logical and intuitive, rational and responsible.

Your feelings may run deep, but you are not very likely to let them show.

This birthday makes you a more private person, more introspective and perhaps more inflexible.

In friendships you are very cautious and reserved.

You are probably inventive, and given to unique approaches and solutions.

On iTunes: Widelife, “I Don’t Want You (Thunderpuss Mix)”



‘Idol’ babbling

May 24th, 2005, 8:31 PM by Dawn

After a two-hour drive home tonight, nothing is a better remedy for sore eyes than Bo Bice on the “American Idol” finale. Well, that coupled with a Vicodin I’ve been hiding in the freezer. whee!

I’ve decided what I want to be when I grow up — the zipper on Bo’s jeans. 😉

What’s up with these weird original songs they have Bo and Carrie singing? Luckily, Bo got to sing “Vehicle” again. *drool, melt, slobber, collapse* And I’d let him “Inside (My) Heaven” any day!!!



Music to my ears

May 24th, 2005, 9:00 AM by Dawn

“Tomorrow’s (work-related) get-together? Casual dress encouraged.”

It’s the little things — and wearing jeans on the evening of my birthday? Makes me very, very happy. I’d wear a denim skirt, but all 40 of the ones I own are all too short to wear among people around whom I try so desperately to act like I am professional and stuff. 🙂

Now, to find a pair of jeans that will not require me to find a square foot of floor on which to lie down to zip ’em up ’cause the f’ers don’t fit!

On iTunes: Zero 7, “Destiny”



Actually, if I were a moodring, today I’d be glacier blue

May 24th, 2005, 8:18 AM by Dawn

For the second time in a month, I’ve been treated to a shower with NO hot water. It was like shaving one’s legs with an icepick. *brrr* I know there’s still conditioner in my hair and probably some suds somewhere, but damn it, I’m clean. Now I’ll just go stick my head in the oven to thaw out. 😉

On iTunes: Breaking Benjamin, “Rain”



If I were a moodring, my color would be hellfire

May 23rd, 2005, 9:17 PM by Dawn

Maybe it’s that I’ve realized that I’m closer to age 60 than I am to birth. Maybe my hormones are starting to act up. Maybe it’s that I have a family visit and loads of weekend traffic to face. I don’t know, but I encourage you to respect my space and don’t get within flying-object distance.

Just kidding — I *~*heart*~* you guys. And you know to throw chocolate and to back away slowly. 😉

I read something today that disturbed me. You may know that I read a lot on workplace and management issues (and I promise my Club Medicated colleague-to-colleague cards will come out SOMEDAY!). You may know that I get freaked out at the thought of not having a job because I don’t have anything else in my life to keep me going. But today, I got plain old perturbed when I read that workplaces are just that — places to work. That rules about not socializing should be as pounded into your head as the dress code. And if I read it correctly, the article wasn’t exactly against stuffed-shirt attire.

And maybe I’m hyperemotional, but my head exploded. I remembered temping at an accounting firm, long ago, where the rule was that you couldn’t even be seen walking into the building in tennis shoes — you had to change in your car or at the bus stop. I remembered working in places where your talent was nice and all, but what really seemed to matter was whether you looked the part. You were talked about and, often, talked TO about every imperfection the all-knowing “they” found in you. Every day, you skulked in and out and hoped to simply not be noticed, no matter how much money you spent on your outfit. People hated working there. When creativity and individuality and COMFORT in personal expression are discouraged, it’s difficult to come up with ideas on command. I know — I’ve had to do it in the past. And the truly dedicated among us will suck it up and give the performance of a lifetime, but even we know in our heart of hearts that some places will never change.

But, that’s a fact of life and always will be. Can’t change that. But what can be changed is the spirit in the air, the camaraderie during the day-to-day activity (or, as I’ve found, changing the job doesn’t hurt!). And we do have rules on socialization — they’re called sexual harassment guidelines. Outside of that, it makes the day go a hell of a lot faster when you genuinely like and support the people who see you the most and might even know you the best. You want to know that they’re going to go to bat for you, because you’ll throw yourself in front of a bus for them, if need be. You find that, when you’re happy, you have higher expectations of everyone around you, including yourself. You find that you’ll be happy if you never utter the words, “Well, THAT figured,” unless someone treated you well yet again and it simply figured that they would do something astonishing and special, because that’s what you’ve come to expect.

Shan and I talk often of emotional bank accounts — how there is an account with every friendship or relationship ever built. Some turn into short-term loans; some tank with the stock market. But others flourish from constant deposits and only-as-needed withdrawals. The same is true at work. Like at the places I mentioned earlier, if the bank is robbed or the account is never opened, then you’re operating at a deficit and you’re constantly feeling cheated. But when you have an opportunity to contribute and to build a foundation, then all parties can forgive when an expectation is not met. That’s the weird thing, though — having high expectations. They make you want to work harder — to be better. And they seem to make others want to constantly exceed them. And sometimes you wonder if they just magically, inherently know what to say and do.

In any event, though, “socializing,” as the article called it, is really “trust-building.” It’s investing in the intellectual and emotional health of a relationship. Even if you don’t get a lot of “information” about each other, per se, you find a way to worm into each other’s thoughts and maybe even hearts, on some level or another. It’s the difference between being willing to throw yourself in front of a bus for someone versus dreaming of throwing THEM in front of a bus. And we’re more willing to save those whom we know would walk through fire for us as well.

Not to say that work isn’t *the* priority — of course it is. But it isn’t the only one, especially given that most of us are willing to give way more than 40 hours, so it doesn’t hurt for some of those hours to be filled with laughter, companionship, sunlight, distraction that will ultimately clear our heads for even bigger ideas to be born.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that the value of saying hello is unparalleled. Learning more, asking questions, complimenting one’s personal style or disposition, listening, taking cues from body language (whether knowing when/how to proceed and when to tread carefully without walking away) — it’s a dance, and a hard one to learn. But the payoff is better than any paycheck when you feel free to play the greatest role of your life … yourself.

On iTunes: Sneaker Pimps, “Tesko Suicide”



Reader Poll Monday">Reader Poll Monday

May 23rd, 2005, 9:13 PM by Dawn

1. What is the last movie you saw in a theater?
“The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

2. If you could create your own reality TV show, what would it be?
Something dealing with anger management — I would love to watch people beating each other with foam bats. You wouldn’t even need a plot!

3. What was your favorite Crayola crayon color?
Tickle Me Pink (for the name). When I was a kid, I loved Hot Magenta.

4. When it comes to chocolate, do you prefer dark of milk?
Dark. The new dark chocolate M&Ms? Long overdue. I could use some right now. …

5. How old were you when you had your first kiss?
Eight. I kissed Timmy Bower during a class movie in the second grade. The teacher totally threw me out of the classroom and made me sit in the empty classroom across the hall and do extra work. I was such a dork — I was happier doing the project than watching the film!

6. If you could be a fly on the wall during a major historical meeting, which one would you choose to observe?
I’d love to go meet the brainiacs who have drafted so much hate-filled legislation, but alas, if I’m a fly, then that means I can’t be holding a two-by-four when I hear phrases like “sex is between a man and a woman only,” etc. I don’t know — I would’ve loved to see Shrub Senior throw up on the prime minister of Japan. I have high aspirations like that. 😉

7. What is something you do for the benefit of others?
Not kill them I get over things very quickly and extend forgiveness when it is requested (and even when it’s not). I smile even when I’m not feeling it — I’m not the only person who has hard days, and sometimes a random smile from someone can turn my day around, so I try to do that for others, in turn.

8. Have you ever had a dirty dream about someone you know online?
Heh. That answer is an unequivocal YES … and wouldn’t YOU like to know who?!?!

9. You have $50 to spend on lunch. Where do you go and what do you eat?
Buffet lunch at a strip club Actually, I’d love to try McCormick & Schmick’s for a decent filet mignon or Chilean sea bass.

10. Do you have any nicknames?
Not anymore. 😉

On iTunes: “Groove Salad” radio



*kick*

May 23rd, 2005, 9:00 AM by Dawn

I was going to buy the new Excedrin Sinus Headache pills yesterday but thought, “Hey, I haven’t had a sinus headache in a year!”

Until today, that is. I feel like a midget has stuffed himself inside my head and is trying to root around. Seriously, this is one of those days wherein I would love nothing better than to be in bed. Or lighting myself on fire to divert attention from the sinus pain.

On iTunes: “Groove Salad” radio