Caterwauling

I just got a double whammy … I heard from Brat, via CTL. Unbelievable! CTL forwarded me an email from Brat, per Brat’s request!!! I almost shit a brick. Nice to know that somebody, somewhere, was thinking of me, even if it was for a mere brief moment in his life. 🙂

And BTW, it’s Friday Five!

1. What is your biggest pet peeve? Why?

I have a variety of *small* pet peeves that I’ve acquired over the years, based on the people I’ve known. With friends, it’s those who make plans and then cancel at the very last second, leaving you with no one to go out with, that really burn my toast. With relatives, I hate when they send cards with no money … like, who reads cards? With cohabitants (friendly, romantic or otherwise), it’s incompatibility on cleanliness, tidiness and level of commitment to attending to one’s mess immediately or sooner (with bedrooms not counting). With significant others or at least members of the dating cesspool, it’s a lack of a second date, especially when the first date was pretty good. And with anyone in general, those people who feel that their problems/achievements are superior to yours, and they never seem to be interested when it’s your turn to talk, because their lives are sooooo much more important to them that they don’t even listen to you.

2. What irritating habits do you have?

None. I rock. 🙂 Well, I get annoyed with people and bottle it up until the point where I either implode or I go postal on someone who doesn’t deserve it, to cover up the bad feelings I haven’t resolved about someone/something else. I let huge issues off the hook rather easily (usually hoping people will come to their senses before I get angry enough to punch them), but then I go ballistic over the minutiae.

3. Have you tried to change the irritating habits or just let them be?

As far as trying to change others’ habits, of course I’ve tried. And failed. Repeatedly. Different people respond to different stimuli, and they can change, to a degree, for a limited amount of time (a day, a year, whatever), but they usually revert right back to their piggish selves either as revenge or simply out of habit. Some people respond to sarcasm, some need for things to be directly said, some require repetition of messages until they “get” it, and some either ignored me or waited to see how far I would go until I lost my “nice” facade. And that’s a shame, because overall, I am truly a caring person who gives people up to three chances to make things “all better.” But it’s weird … some people take constructive criticism personally, and others seem to go deaf when you try to offer your tactful suggestions and solutions. But I don’t back down … I just step away and come back again, like a bad nightmare! muahahahahahaha. 🙂

But if it’s asking if I’ve tried to change my own habits, well, yes and no. I always confront the people whom I need to confront, but sometimes I allow my rage to build up for so long that it might end up being a laundry list of “Why You’re Pissing Me Off,” which isn’t healthy for either party. But I’ve learned tact over the years — I used to tell people that they were fucking assholes; now I suggest that perhaps we consider arranging a mutually beneficial solution. lol. So I guess I’ve improved some!

4. What grosses you out more than anything else? Why?

I’m gonna revert to total bitch mode, but food crusted on stoves and/or dishes makes me angry, because it’s easily remedied when done in a timely manner. I have a HIGH sense of smell, so the least bit of unpleasant odor usually sends me straight into the dry heaves. Changing cat litter, then, also qualifies, as does walking into funky-ass public restrooms … I hate it that humans and animals need to shit and piss and puke and bleed — why hasn’t all of that become as extinct as the tail that humans once had?

5. What one thing can you never see yourself doing that other people do?

Hurting others, whether intentionally or just as a side bonus. Honestly, anyone who has read the blog knows that I am prone to random catty moments, but in every instance, the person in question has done something to hurt me, even if it was in a small way. As a writer, I am hypersensitve to words, and words that are just flung about carelessly and/or those aimed with a poison dart attached, should be served right back to the offender, straight up in a double shot glass. But I rarely want to contribute the last word to a heated exchange … I always, always walk away with my dignity intact, regardless of what the person said and how they said it. I walk away before I become hurtful, whenever possible. Not to say that I haven’t sliced somebody down to size once or twice, but I’ve been on the receiving end of someone trying to prove they’re smarter or quicker or more justified than I am to say or do something. And most of the time, I still walk away feeling like I was the real victor, because I had class enough to not waste my time or my breath on a senseless, provoked argument.

My anxiety is starting to subside within a few short minutes of scarfing down a tiny little white pill. Woo hoo!!!

Tried to get my old doctor’s office to send me my medical records. They will be glad to send them … to another physician. Crap. Now I have to find a doctor. My nerves are truly shot, and I don’t know why. It’s not like I have HRP attempting to control my every movement, decision and emotion anymore. But the stress in my life has shifted, which means that while the job is more manageable, the things that did not previously cause me stress (because they were on my terms) have changed to a degree where they now aggravate the shit out of me.

SM says this breathing problem I’ve been having is serious. Mom says most women’s heart attacks occur at night, and I know she has the same chest-clenching that I’ve been experiencing. She even noticed how my body just radiates tension when I know I have to get in a car and drive, and it’s my stupid habit of inadvertently holding my breath. I’m good at the gym, though, because I literally tell myself when to inhale and exhale, to get the oxygen flowing to my muscles. Weird how I have to remind myself to breathe … it’s like “Sleepless in Seattle,” where Tom Hanks’s character Sam says to the radio personality that someday he’ll be able to breathe in and out without having to remind himself to do it. :::sigh:::: Good movie, one I’ve seen a bajillion times. Perhaps another screening is on the near horizon?

Tons of Bon Jovi stuff on TV tonite, but I’m definitely doin’ the gym thing, followed by the grocery store thing (Pub Club Potluck tomorrow!). I need to make something cheap, easy and tasty, much like the PC members!!!

Librarian emailed to reschedule lunch for Tuesday. Joy and rapture. And she’s making such a production out of it, hemming and hawing about whether or not she’ll even be here on that day. Jesus Christ … who fucking cares? It’s taken nine emails and she’s the asshole who wanted to do this, not me. It’s like trying to schedule lunch with royalty, when it’s my schedule that’s more of a wild card, with errant interviews happening next week. Oy vey.

To relieve stress, SM and I hit the gym last nite (and it hit back!). We were there for two and a half hours, working out slowly but surely. We’re gonna go back today, but for maybe 45 minutes. We need to make more frequent, less lengthy visits, to keep the ol’ metabolisms up. Further, as it takes burning 3,000 calories to kill off a pound, well, I know I’ve got a boatload of work to do! 😉 But I love my little hunter-green hand towel … need to run home and get it out of the dryer at lunch. I fed Maddie enough for the whole day, which I didn’t do yesterday, but it’s cute how she will wait until I get home to ask for dinner; apparently she doesn’t ask Lab Rat for chow. Maddie just kinda rolled into my room last night, made some noise, and inched toward the kitchen. I know her routine … in six years, we’ve developed quite the rapport.

In other news, HRP and Program Directeur at Two Strikes are apparently going to Africa to start some sort of human services/child welfare system. Woo hoo! Here’s hoping for a touch of the West Nile virus to keep them from re-entering the country! lol. If that happens, Susan, tell F/OM that’s the only way I’d ever come back to that agency!!!

Oh, forgot to mention that I’m an aunt! (again!) IKEA Boy has a new Yorkie, named Jinx, who literally fits into the palm of my hand. He’s too cute! Makes me like dogs all that much more. Maybe Maddie would like a canine little brother. …

Sometimes I feel like I just can’t breathe, no matter how hard I try. I’ve noticed that my chest hurts all the time, that I’m just holding my breath, bracing myself for something unpleasant (that used to only happen while I was driving; now it happens at random moments of the day/evening). Why am I never prepared for something good to happen? Have I become a realist, despite my best intentions to retain a shred of idealism?

Why do some people require a pat on the head for the least bit of effort, while the rest of us do our thing quietly, unnoticed, and are happier that way? And why do we squander that effort on friends, significant others, employers and others in our lives who simply take it for granted? How can we channel those energies into walking away from everyone, everything that induces stress and lay the foundation for our dream existences?

I have to piss so badly I can practically taste it. However, the ladies’ room is across from the librarian’s office. Fuck, fuck, fuck. And my feet hurt too badly to hobble upstairs to the bathroom near operations. Piss. 🙁

I don’t feel well today. I’ve had a migraine for four days, so any voice pitch above a whisper may catapult me into a seizure. It’s the wisdom teeth, no doubt, but I still haven’t gotten my dental card in two-plus months of working. Argh.

Customer service nightmare last night: MCI . It sucks. MCI totally sucks donkey dick. Even more so than Verizon, where the service itself is horrid but the customer service reps are amazingly courteous and friendly.

I cannot begin to document the horror, although in summary: after two-and-a-half months, I STILL have no long distance service!! But MCI has gladly been billing me for it. So I called a customer service rep last week, who talked me into adopting MCI as my local carrier, with a promise that my long-distance would be accessible within 24 hours. Well, a week later (last night), I got that bill and still couldn’t call my family from the home phone. I spoke to three representatives, the second of whom hung up on me. Now, I do not raise my voice, nor do I whine, nor do I have unreasonable requests. For her ghetto-bitch ass to hang up on me, well, I was through with them. I called another MCI number and proceeded to sit on hold for nearly an hour, listening to alternating songs between Mariah Carey and Sting. No joke, they took turns. It was bloody awful.

Finally, a very nice rep named Chris got on the line, asked questions, apologized profusely for the previous operator’s behavior, and asked what he could do to keep me as a customer. I said, “Give me long distance service so I can call my family!” Unfortunately, that couldn’t happen. I was furious. I told him I was more than accustomed to dysfunctional relationships … that I need something functional in my life, and if I can’t have a good experience calling my phone company, then that was plain ridiculous. I told him to cancel my so-called service.

But here’s the catch: because I was smoking an incredibly large crack rock last week, seemingly, when I opted to have MCI as my local carrier (it was the free long distance service that wooed me), if MCI disconnected my LD service last night, I would have had no dial tone at all. Now, any of you who know me know that I would be MORE than happy to not have the extra phone bill (my cell phone works just fine, and I have a phone at work), but because this is a subject where the roommate and I do not agree, I had to keep the stupid service (not that I enjoy paying the extra money per month when I have other expenses toward which it can be applied). In order to get rid of MCI, I have to contact Verizon to reinstate my service with them, and then call MCI to remove the LD service. It makes sense, but it’s too much aggravation.

What pissed me off, more than the bitch hanging up on me, was that the operator BEFORE her told me that a block was put on my service on June 24, due to non-payment. I was livid! I’ve had continuous Verizon and MCI service since 1995, and the account has always been in my name, and further, my service was only hooked up in Virginia on June 15 as an EXTENSION of my bill in Pennsylvania. Non-payment, my ass!!! Considering that I never even RECEIVED a bill from MCI until August!!! ARGH!!!!

At any rate, I am going to just let MCI do their thing and hook up the new plan. What the hell; it’s already in progress. I will put up with shitty customer service to acquire free LD, although I made it a point to remark that it frightens me to spend $50/month instead of $4/month for their incompetence. In my next place, I swear, I am not having a land line. Never in a million years. I am so sick of this shit.

Unrelated, we’re out of summer dress-down days at work. So now everyone still looks like shit, just in different clothes. 🙂 And I had to try on seven pairs of shoes this morning, to accommodate the blisters I’ve acquired from trying to break in new shoes. I’m hobbling around like a nitwit in what ended up being the most comfortable pair. Nothing can take your mind off your troubles like having sore feet.

So the octogenarian librarian called off from work today. She just called to acknowledge that our lunch-date-from-hell was supposed to be today, but could we move it to tomorrow? I told her I’m having lunch with Janice tomorrow, which is true. My voice was also pretty flat when I said that perhaps we should continue this discussion about rescheduling when she comes back to work. Yawn. This is so much more trouble than it’s worth. But I AM going to lunch with SM! We need to commiserate about being poor and unhappy in the various aspects of our lives. 🙂

Vicodin and Captain Morgan’s rum, in combination, RULE!!!! Finally, my migraine feels better. w00t!!! I’m actually revisiting my fiction books tonight … so at least this weekend wasn’t a total waste. Although I will be sad on Labor Day, which I usually spend with my family. Perhaps I’ll just hang out, revisiting my old writings. Or maybe I’ll work on editing James’s book that he gave me three months ago. At any rate, it’s always amazing how alcohol has always brought clarity … and tonite is no exception. 😉

Oh, BTW, don’t think I enjoy feeling miserable. It’s just magnified right now. This is a habit of mine, indulging in self-pity, to avoid what’s really wrong. Besides, I just can’t share everything on these pages. I’d be glad if nobody ever read this blog but me, but because that’s unlikely, I have to retain a hold on the things that bother me the most and only share my surface problems (either that, or just act happy, because nobody wants to hear what’s really bothering you … gawd knows I can’t stand reading blogs where people are wallowing — I’d rather hear about the fun things they are seeing and doing, and here’s to hoping that my own blog will return to that point.).

My grandfather was just diagnosed with cancer. This, on top of an aneurysm, diabetes, a heart condition, a back injury from WWII, and a variety of other maladies that show up in “the golden years.” And mom continually disguises her own problems, which she discloses in small ways, here and there, but without health insurance, she’s kinda fucked. And my grandfather goes to the V.A., which is a total fucking joke … don’t even get me started on all the horror stories … there ain’t enough bandwidth in cyberspace to list all of our adventures with incompetence at the V.A. hospitals in Pittsburgh.

At any rate, I’ve always worried about my family, and now that they’re far away, it’s a mixed blessing. I mean, I know there’s not a damn thing I can do from 250 miles away, but then again, that doesn’t stop me from worrying. Had I stayed at Two Strikes, I was planning to get a bigger apartment with an extra bedroom, in the event that we lost my grandfather, my mom would always have a place to stay (because as his full-time caregiver, it’s not like she has any of her own resources). And while she’d rather drive her car off a cliff than be dependent upon me, I know the family tradition of caring for elders will continue. (of course, it was my mom who took care of her own grandmother, her mother and now her father … who’s left to take care of her? She and I are both without siblings, so there ain’t help on the horizon). So, it saddens me when mom says she’s going to try to send me money or buy cat food or whatever, when she doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. I’m hiding a lot of stories within these words, of course, but it’s safe to summarize that I’d love to see my family without struggle … that is all that they have ever known, and I feel like I should have utilized (or begin to utilize) the opportunities that have come my way so that I can give back to them in some, any way. And although they’d never expect it, I still feel like I’m failing them in that respect. I should be able to help them, or at least, be prepared for the worst, although mom’s just planning to be a bag lady. lol. She’s got a spirit about her, that’s for sure! Although I did inherit her quick-to-anger streak. Both of us really do want to be anywhere but wherever we presently are, which probably explains our insane attachment to the movie and soundtrack “Anywhere but Here.”

I was once told by my grandmother that there had been a curse put upon our family. I never believed her, even though she and mom both had a strange sixth sense about everything. At any rate, I always figured I’d be the one to break the supposed curse, but maybe I’m falling right into it. How on earth can I break free?