Caterwauling

As much as I’ve wanted to get rid of Showtime, I can’t because they are really coming up with some great original series ideas. We all know I’m in love with “Out of Order,” and now, we can add “Dead Like Me” to the rotation.

I only saw the last half of the premiere episode this week, but what I learned sparked a great conversation with Shawn over Italian food in Georgetown yesterday. (As an aside, go visit Shawn and leave some comments in his brand-spanking new comment box! Come out and be a Bond Girl!)

The main character in the show was pissed off because, in her first offical role as a grim reaper, she had to take the soul of a beautiful little girl on a train. So when the train crashed, she chose to protect the girl instead of taking her away. She met up with the king of the grim reapers (forgive me, I didn’t learn any of their names), who said that souls expire, and if the soul isn’t taken at the moment of expiration, that person will go on to lead a sad or bitter existence. It’s best to take the soul before it goes bad.

Of course, Shawn and I wonder why the hell nobody has taken OUR souls yet, ’cause we’re as bitter as they come, but I digress. 😉

But this is quite the fascinating insight on why the good supposedly die young. This could be why we all sign DNRs so that, if we’re really on our way out, nobody prolongs our lives unnecessarily.

Eventually, she did take the little girl’s soul, and suddenly, a mystical carnival appeared in the woods where they waited. The little girl ran toward the carnival, and once she reached it, everything evaporated into a pile of stars and fairy dust. The main character tried to run after the girl, but the guy told her no, this is not for her to know. I guess that’s their way of telling us that everyone goes to their own idea of heaven, where their spirits will be happy and fulfilled. It was riveting.

Personally, y’all know I’m not too keen on heaven or hell or afterlives. So that told me that I need to find and make my own heaven here. As do we all.

The former stigma of online dating is going away, according to this article.

Gone are the days when you could hope for your friends fixing you up. Instead, we can just hop online and find anyone, anywhere.

I’ve been doing the online dating thing for about four years now. I’m not thrilled with it. I find myself wishing that some of my guy friends COULD hook me up with some of their buddies — at least, that would be an honest testimonial that someone who knows both parties put some thought into said hook-up. But, in fairness and gratitude to my male buddies, most of them have refrained from hooking me up with their friends whom even THEY thought were pigs.

I learned a lesson today about personal ads. I just got a response from a 19-year-old. Here I’ve been, so busy trying to make myself sound fun and exciting and attractive, but I neglected to truly define what it is that I want. And while I don’t believe in restricting my search too much, I had to put in some paramaters.

I got a response from another one of my ads this week, only to find that I have to pay the site a big fee to return the e-mail, and it’s a recurring monthly charge if I’m not on-the-ball enough to suspend my membership. Forget that shit — I am not paying to meet people. I keep trying to remove the ad, but the site crashes every time I try.

At any rate, I prefer to pick up a vibe from somebody. I want to walk up to them and feel that they are people I would feel comfortable spending time with, instead of hoping against hope that they aren’t going to miss a date with their parole officer to meet me in a public place. The beauty of the online persona is that you can truly make yourself out to be whatever it is that you want people to perceive you as. And that beauty can become a dark reality when what you see is not, in fact, what you get.

With my recent (first) 29th birthday, I am finding that I really crave a serious relationship. I think I have the right to wonder whether or not my dates will go somewhere — I’m not dreaming of marriage, by any means, but I would like to sincerely invest a significant amount of time with someone I’d like to have in my life for awhile. I would love to have somebody to hang out with, to take to events and to call up whenever I need companionship. And yes, I have wonderful friends for that, but increasingly, they all are finding other people to do things with and to go to events with. I don’t begrudge them this — I want all of us to be happy. But I also believe that it’s my turn to have this as well.

Yes, I did awaken on the wrong side of the bed today (after 14 hours of sleep!). I had a bizarre dream about all of this. The usual cast of characters appeared during my sleep, and I started picking fights with everyone around me.

And, in a generalist statement, I understand that the precariousness of friendships is what keeps me from really picking fights or from voicing whatever concern is on my mind. I watch Shan and John, who will be married in a week, and while they sometimes spat like they were in a boxing ring and I’m the “ring girl” parading in short shorts and a sign announcing the latest “TKO,” I realize that I want what they have. They can fight and make up. They can be absolutely up-front with each other without worrying that the other is going to get pissed off and move out because they disagree about something. They can be real together, and they love each other, no matter which side of the personality feels like emerging on a particular day. 🙂

Sure, when you’re first in a relationship, you do walk on eggshells so that you can appear to walk on water. 🙂 But what I long for is the realness — the ability to say, “Get out of my face — you’re annoying me” or “Clean up your mess” or “Are you smoking crack? Did you honestly think I’d find that insult adorable?” or “Shove that performance review where it fits” and not worry that this will be the last discussion the two of you will ever have.

I promised Shan and John that I will give the toast on their 20th wedding anniversary. I will steal a bit of it from Michele, from when her sister recently got married — the part where she wanted to say, “They have been to hell and back together, and sometimes, they’ve taken us with them.” I love it that they can, in fact, board the Dante’s Inferno Express but make a round trip right back to blissfulness, once the air is cleared. They’re never second-guessing each other. They know each other well, and they know that sitting around and wondering instead of asking is counter-productive.

At any rate, I’ve had too many counter-productive moments of my own lately, and I’m through. I want the dream relationship, and I want the reality that comes along with it. But until then, I am going to treat myself to a matinee of “Alex & Emma.” And like those characters, until I find the dream I want to live, I guess I’ll just remain here, writing about it. 🙂

This one’s gonna be short and choppy .. I have a headache.

* Got a call from the print shop with a minor crisis around 7:30 tonight. Fixed it.

* Just got another call (9:45 p.m.) — I let it hit voice mail. My workdays should not start at 9 a.m. and go till infinity.

* Digested my review. Something tells me that Demure was projecting a whole lot of shit onto me that really has little to do with me. I got a bunch of good comments in there, like about having to socialize more: “I feel comfortable asking any of my colleagues for assistance. They are approachable. They find me approachable. When I see people ‘socializing’ in the hallways, I think they’re lazy and don’t have enough work to do. I do not want to be perceived as such.”

* Got an e-mail from one of my old friends, forwarded from an old friend who’s looking for me. I’m not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, it’s nice to know that people still care about me, long after we’ve fallen out of touch. On the other hand, this friend knows how to get in touch with me and hasn’t used the information in a few months. I’ve grown accustomed to people suddenly wanting to get in touch with people because they need something. I have a hard time keeping up with my friends as it is … I don’t know how to keep up with even MORE people. That we fell out of touch in the first place is probably an indicator that, even if we started communicating again, we’d go right back into nothingness soon after.

* I feel terrible about missing Susan’s graduation (she’s getting her MBA!) tomorrow, but work is obviously demanding me to be running around like a nutcase this weekend. And not to mention, I am drained. Officially fucking wasted.

* The diet has gone to hell on the short bus. 🙂 Grabbed a huge container of mint M&Ms ice cream tonight and just enjoyed a whole bunch of it. I figure, I’ve been living on salads and meat and cheese, and not a damn thing has been happening. Fuck it, I’m cranky and ice cream is my only cure.

* A friend of mine is moving this weekend, and she’s beyond broke till payday on July 7, so Shan and I decided to put together a basket of foodstuffs for her. While I was getting my ice cream, I bought a gift certificate to Safeway for her, to add to the basket. She is moving into the complex I will be inhabiting come August, and there is a Safeway within walking distance of our abodes. Shan and I know altogether too well what it’s like to be poor and have empty cupboards, so we know she will enjoy having this little housewarming gift from us. 🙂 There are some people in life who really need a helping hand and who will never ask. Those same people appreciate any gesture you can make, and while even we can’t do all that much, we just want to let her know that we are here for her. She is a lovely woman who works really hard and doesn’t get much in return, so we’re going to change that.

* My instincts have been sharper than ever lately. I am going to start putting my faith into them more. They’ve rarely failed me. For the fact that I feel kind of good (minus the kickass migraine), I know I must be on the right path to something … only I just don’t know what that something is, but I intend to find out.

* I need to start freelancing to make some cash and to get some satisfaction from work. I’m a writer who suddenly hates writing. I need to change this — I need to fall in love with my work again.

I’m going to bed. All this thinking has hurt my brain even more!

… and apparently, every employer I’ve ever had thinks I have an attitude.

This is no surprise.

I took the review with a grain of salt (and a shot of tequila). I just don’t understand how I get a “meets expectations” when I go above and beyond the call of duty every month, yet a handful of others produce no results whatsoever and still get the same rating I do.

Things were contradictory — that I am verbal about my thoughts, but I have poor communication skills. That I need to socialize with other staff more but I have a lot of last-minute crises when called away from my work to attend meetings and luncheons.That I get angry and annoyed by the meetings and administrative tasks but that I offer too many suggestions for improving the association when I should be prioritizing the production of the paper. That I get defensive and supposedly offer excuses when criticized, but I don’t share information when asked questions.

I defended everything (yeah, there I go being defensive again) and decided that if my style of work is more important than the outcomes I produce, I am as usual in the wrong job and should be working for myself.

I can’t win, but at least I got my raise. And I hope to not be around for next year’s review, so in the end, this too will be a faded memory.

1. How are you planning to spend the summer [winter]?

Moving. Like, it seems, I spend every summer doing. Can it be any hotter? And as far as winter, I expect I will be poor and sitting around playing with myself.

2. What was your first summer job?

I believe it was a blow job. 🙂 And I was a camp counselor when I was 15.

3. If you could go anywhere this summer [winter], where would you go?

Aruba. Might as well dream big!

4. What was your worst vacation ever?

I don’t take vacations. Unless you count the horrendously hot drive to Pittsburgh that I make on a quarterly basis. I prefer when someone else is driving. And my so-called escapes usually involve me running the wheels off of my car, trying to see everyone I promised to see. I look forward to taking a vacation that actually involves me being on vacation!

5. What was your best vacation ever?

The trips I take into my mind are usually the most productive. 🙂

A blind woman with an infant cradled in her arms was filled with sage advice for me, advice I neither requested nor desired.

“Even a blind person can perceive that your heart and your mind are way ahead of your feet,” she said, patting her child on the head and turning and walking away from me.

All of this came to me in a dream.

I am printing out the final proof of the paper right now. One last skim for screwed-up page jumps and whatnot, and I will be able to start making PDFs probably by 3 p.m. Which means I will have a normal workday and can leave at a reasonable hour. Woo hoo!!! (Update: Fuck! PostScript error 8133!!!! Gaah!)

My review is tomorrow at 9 a.m. I am NOT looking forward to this. Reviews fall under the category of “useless bullshit,” right up there with resumes and job interviews. They are simply requirements that managers must fulfill, and rarely have I walked away from one with any shred of dignity. I am accustomed, though, to being held to a higher standard than most of my colleagues, so I am also accustomed to anticipating hearing crap about the five things I might have done over the course of a year that might have irritated someone. Oh well. Just give me my 2 percent raise, and nobody gets hurt!

Somebody just brought a group on a tour through the Veggie Patch. I felt like a zoo animal as everyone admired me and moved on. I haven’t eaten … can’t somebody have thrown me a peanut? Or at least a Prozac? 😀

Stacey gives us a brilliant post on the recent “Sex and the City” episode and how the way men buy pants determines how they choose their wives. She noted that at some point, they realize their age and situation and say hey, this one fits well enough. Might as well keep it.

And I would never want to be someone whom some guy decided, “Oh what the hell, I probably won’t get anyone better.” But I am also kind of tired of wondering if/how I should change myself to perhaps make myself more attractive to that gender. Because not a goddamned one of them has been worth changing for, and I highly doubt anyone WOULD be worth that.

But back to the show, which kicked off today’s tirade in my mind, SATC broke my heart five different ways during its Sunday season premiere. The clincher, of course, was when Carrie ran into her beloved ex Aidan, who had a Snugli full of his brand-new baby boy. Aidan told her all about his wife, and she had muster the gusto to be happy for him. Lord, name one of us gals who hasn’t found out that someone who occupies significant real estate in our hearts moved on and married the next girl they found after we left or were left behind!

Charlotte, a character with whom I normally rarely identify, actually made my heart ache this week. She, an Episcopalian, is having a rip-roaring relationship with a Jewish guy, and all went well till he basically said he can’t marry her, but he likes being with her. Let me tell you, I’ve had that said to me. (I can count on two hands how many men have said something similar to me — and they all went on to marry Jewish women … most of whom were as bland as tapioca pudding, if you ask me, but I’m not bitter, No, not me.) And it astounded me that I was good enough to fuck but never enough to get serious with. Bleah. At any rate, we think Charlotte’s going to convert to Judaism this season. Good for her. Nobody ever gave me an opportunity to even think about it, so this should be interesting to watch.

Poor Miranda. She’s discovered she’s in love with Steve, and just as she’s getting ready to tell him, he blurts out that he’s seeing someone else. DOES THIS FUCKING EPISODE HAVE TO KEEP MOCKING ME LIKE THIS?!?! God forbid a girl take some time to figure out what her feelings really are before she says, yeah, this is the life I want. Personally, I think Steve’s just protecting himself — whether there is another chick or not, he’s wrapping the armor around his heart in preparation of a letdown. And that’s too bad, because guys tend to think we don’t know what we want, but that’s not true — sometimes it literally does take a brick wall to fall on us before we see stars.

And finally, Samantha, my heroine, found a great lay who gave her great stock tips in bed. She had the boy handcuffed when the cops arrived to bust him for insider trading. They kindly asked her to remove her handcuffs so that they could put theirs on him. 😉 Like she said, “All the good ones get arrested!”

Perhaps I need to stop thinking of Samantha as my heroine, but my very attraction to her character is the fact that she ain’t worried about nothin’ but making herself happy (usually via orgasm). But like Stacey noted, men don’t really want the crazy type — they want someone who fits the second they try them on. And if they don’t go on right away (i.e., they aren’t ready to be wrapped up and taken home), then they just aren’t the right fit and so he goes shopping for another pair of pants that don’t give him a wedge. 😉

We already know that Shan found the most gorgeous wedding gown in the world and even has the shoes to match, so that event kicked off the cycle of good luck for us. Since then, the following have occurred:

1. I GOT THE APARTMENT APPROVAL!!!

2. She was approved for a home loan

3. Casual summer (dress down) run July through September at the Veggie Patch! We just got the news!

Big stuff, friends. Big stuff indeed. I should’ve played the lottery tonight, but I think the next big step is going to be really, truly launching our side businesses. We are going to be some powerful chicks in the near future, so be nice to us (or, at least, don’t annoy us) before we skyrocket to the moon! 🙂

I was unable to get to sleep last night, suddenly remembering the *perfect* pair of strappy sandals in one of my many boxes that are the exact same shade as Shan’s wedding dress. So I got up and, unbelievably, they were in the first box I opened. I’d only worn the shoes once, and that was when I still lived in Pittsburgh, and I’d damn near forgotten about them.

I brought the shoes to work, and they fit her wonderfully. The mesh and trim look exactly like the edge of her veil. She is so very thrilled to have not only the gorgeous dress (see previous entry), but also the ideal shoes that are borrowed from me. It’s a special day here, indeed. 😀

I also gave her a “something new” gift — an iridescent crystal bracelet that she’d tried on a few weeks ago. She ended up not puchasing it, so I went back to the store the next day and grabbed it. She’s so grateful and gracious, but the real reward for me is that she is truly looking forward to her special day, more so than ever, and if I, in some way, made things easier, I’m doing my job. 🙂