Caterwauling

I heard this phrase in “White Lotus.” The fabulous, murdering gays spoke of Tanya blooming late in life.

I don’t know that Tanya ever bloomed. She really only wised up for 10 minutes out of two seasons.

Then she hit her head off a tender and her philandering husband inherited her half-billion-dollar fortune. Which partially went toward paying off the palazzo where she had one wild, coke-fueled night.

Isn’t that life, though? I spent all season pondering and researching all the symbolism, only to lose the plot when the heroine died a stupid, preventable death.

SPOILER: She literally foiled her own murder plot … and murdered the murderers … and fucking HIT HER HEAD as she left the boat.

I mean, not the dumbest bitch I’ve ever seen. But definitely in the top three.

Got me to thinking about how one stupid move can end you.

I have this creature I’ll call Barkley. Barkley was bark, bark, barking all day.

I speak bitch fluently, after four years of having my socials stalked and critted by one. So I can bark, bark, bark right on back.

My hope is that they will go find a dog house that’s not within my line of sight.

But they get rewarded with treats and rides in the car and free run of the house. So I don’t see Barkley getting re-homed.

Despite the pampering, Barkley runs half the other pups out of the house and chases the rest into the corner.

The medium and little dogs who haven’t been euthanized don’t like playing with Barkley. But they know it will get bored and go bully another pup soon enough.

This medium pup wonders if I’m going to get rabies by trying to play with this big dog. Or disembowled.

If I rub Barkley’s nose in its own poop, maybe it will stop lifting its leg on my porch. Or maybe it will lick enough poo-poo off its face that it will decide not to do that anymore.

It took me 30-ish years, but I’m finally sick enough of cleaning poo-poo that I’m going to throw it back.

There’s probably more power, and certainly less danger, in letting these dogs choke themselves on their chains.

But damn it feels good to give them a little yank.

The clientele was quite attractive at my favorite haunt, pre-2019.

It’s gone downhill since. Haven’t we all, tho.

The food is still amazing, though. And the decor remains gorgeous.

No, not Amen. I ain’t takin nobody to church here.

Although, this gets me to thinking about all the snowflakes who are out there saying “Merry Christmas” like they’re speaking against injustice or something.

When I worked retail in the ’90s, we were told to say WHATEVER WE CELEBRATE.

I celebrated Christmas, so it was fine for me to say Merry Christmas.

I mean, in hindsight, maybe it was just those of us who celebrated the pagan-christian holiday who were allowed to say what we celebrate.

But what my PC ass took out of it was if you are Jewish, you say Happy Hanukkah. Or whatever floats your boat, you know?

This year, my attitude is “We say Happy Solstice.” I mean, I won’t say it in my newsletter, which goes to Fox News devotees. But, you get the idea.

Blessed Yule, baybee!

In any event, I came across the word awen in one of the witchy newsletters I read.

Awen, in essence, is tangible inspiration.

And when you are inspired by the art or beauty or music or other magic that awed you, then you are awenydd.

The point of the post that I was reading was that awen is everywhere. You cannot live an uninspired life … you cannot CREATE when you are uninspired.

Great news … inspiration (awen) is everywhere. Go get some and see how your output gets elevated.

“My life is but a short and precious seed
Like three seasons of life in a leaf on a tree
And when I cascade to the ground I will not be done
I will mingle with the earth and give life
To the roots again
Can somebody say Amen?”

— Paula Cole

The full moon this week was the Gemini moon.

As ever, this moon kicked my ass.

Of course, maybe it was just an intense work week after two weeks of PTO.

I mean, Monday started with the extraction of my final wisdom tooth. Then I got called into a meeting at 10 to be told about two launches set for this coming Tuesday. Spent so much time on the phone that my mouth bled for three days.

Oh and one of those launches got thwarted yesterday at noon, after I’d spent nights and mornings working on it.

I already announced that I’m taking another week off to recover from this one.

(Hey, we get three weeks’ vacation. No one ever told me I couldn’t take them ALL TOGETHER.)

In any event, I imagine this moon that most makes us have to deal with our shadow selves certainly didn’t help matters.

“To light a candle is to cast a shadow.” — Ursula K. Le Guin

I take some comfort in this quote. You want to shine, great. Use your power for good, awesome.

Just be prepared to deal with the darkness that any action or other move forward brings with it.

I got to thinking during my time off. How I want to ascend and make more money, which means WORKING even more. But … this pace isn’t sustainable for much longer. Thursday alone had me on the phone at 6 a.m. and editing long past 6 p.m.

Also, I’ve always been fine with the title/financial cap. If you make too much, they fire you. Not just here. Everywhere. (See: Previous job.)

Two of my friends just got shitcanned. A week of severance each after working 20 years.

If I get fired for saying that, well. I’m tired of hiding my authentic self.

When you have a bad seed with a hypnotic hold, you end up killing the plant all the way down to the root. These were the roots with a lot of institutional history who served others very well. Like me and my team. BELOVED characters.

Bad seed is blah. Not an ounce of personality or compassion or even an inch of depth to them. Just barks orders and ghosts you. Makes shit up. Complains the numbers are wrong and then uses the wrong numbers to justify termination.

Reads one paragraph of an eight-page newsletter and sends a missive to me to blame me for going against their orders when no one did anything wrong.

In any event, this is a clear example of someone’s shadow side being in charge. The shadow is a terrible force.

OTOH, shadow is depth. The talking self (ego) appears to always be in charge in this scenario.

As a witch, my nature is to go head-to-head with these beasts. I go against it in the name of peace and paychecks.

On a good day, I try to turn these beasts into (professional) besties.

On a bad day, I go up against these beasts. The last time I did it, I lost my seat at the grown-up table. Like the one where the terminations were determined.

I wonder if this particular beast IS my shadow.

Like, if the shadow I have to sit down and have a drink with is an actual, physical, invisible-horned being that I can’t shake till I slay it.

What’s interesting is that this demon has the same tribal marking as the previous demon. It must be a portal to hell or something.

I used to scream “Brad’s balls!” every time I needed to open a jar or tighten a screw or do something hard that required mustering all my might. Lately I’ve inserted this name and characteristic.

Let me tell you, I just used it to open a jar of hot bacon jelly. And boy was it worth it because that shit was gooooooood.

Anyway, it seems like I need to exorcise this demon. For the greater good of the entire village.

It’s going to take more than one full moon cycle to send this werewolf to go howl with Herschel Walker.

But to banish this thing back to the underworld with the rest is gonna feel fuckin great.

Gonna go get me some more of that jelly.

Since the tarot advent calendar is five years old, I checked my December tarot scope for inspiration.

And I found plenty.

“A horoscope that tells you to expect a happy ending without doing any work to get there is a silly thing to read right now. You are so much smarter than that.

“Lately, any happiness you’ve enjoyed has been hard-won. A dash of grief glimmers in all the joy you experience — that’s how you know it’s real.

“This month, dream up the happiest ending for the year you can muster. Then, do all that you can, within your ability, to get there. Let the rest go as best as you can.”

Dream up the happiest ending for the year you can muster.

TBH, finishing four projects would be ideal. Alas, I got smacked in the face with six more when I returned to work on Monday.

I’ll have to think on that one, since I should have started working an hour ago.

On the seventh day of December, the tarot advent calendar said to me …

Imagine, or draw, a little map of your travels and the ground you’ve gained (this year). Because you have, you know.

I see that this series was written in 2017. One of my favorite seers had posted it like it was something new. So maybe I’ll do my own tarot advent calendar. One day.

Anyway, The Chariot is the card of the day. And the action is to think about how far you’ve come this year.

I was just in the shower thinking about how work totally thwarts the concept of free will.

Like, I have two vats of Oxy. Not that I would ever take an opioid. But, you know, I’m in pain from some recent surgery.

Although I have the choice to take it, I can’t. I am already moving in slow motion after two weeks away. How could I impair myself further?

Same with just realizing I need something from a store. I mean, I could go but then I’d be stuck working late and still not being caught up. And getting more emails about shit I owed HR back in April, sigh.

What I was really thinking about when I got the Chariot is how I feel like I will always be a well-paid worker bee. I have opportunities to show leadership and do some serious project management. But then I slide into editing projects and accommodating the marketing geniuses.

How have I moved forward, then? By brute force.

That’s not the Chariot. You can liken the Chariot to being on a people mover. Depending on the deck, the sphinxes (or other animal) in the front are chill. They aren’t galloping. They’re cruising. And so is the dude in the little Pope-mobile behind them.

In other words, wherever you are going, you’re going to get there whether you panic or not.

That’s how I drive 95. I’ve had many colleagues pass me on the highway and say how slow they think I drive.

But then a funny thing happens … I arrive at the same time as them. No lane-changing. No flooring it then slamming on the brakes.

TL;DR – They’re stressed and I’m happily thinking about what I learned on the podcast that I was listening to.

Let your mind wander to the places you wish to go in (2023), the people you want to get closer to, the new/reconnections you’d like to forge.

Whoever they are, I don’t know them yet. I look at these Zoom screens every day and really wonder why I feel inconsequential to a couple of them.

Like, dude, I am a freaking GODDESS. Magic runs through my veins. Everything I emit from my mind and mouth is pure sunshine. Y’all should be clamoring for MY favor.

I need more magic in my life. More magical people. More magical things and experiences.

They’ve noticed I gravitate to the magical people and projects in our orbit. It has been mentioned to me that this has not gone unnoticed.

I guess that was a message to spend more time on the lesser ones. But I have never been shy about wanting to hang with the stars.

It’s because I am a star.

And it’s high time I remembered how to fucking act like it.

On the sixth day of December, the tarot advent calendar said to me …

Luck is on your side today. The Universe is looking to see how serious you really are about something.

I have an uneasy peace with the Wheel of Fortune. It’s generally a good card.

Laymen take it as a sign that changes are coming; the Ferris wheel of life is always turning, so take heart if you’re in a rut.

I’ve always taken it the opposite way. That things are going well and that flow could turn into an ebb real fast.

I guess that’s because that’s what’s always happened when I pulled this card.

The last couple times I had a question about health or career stability, I pulled this bitch and sure enough got a diagnosis and a pink slip.

Hard pass, Grimace.

But when I zoom out to 30,000 feet, I see that wheels have been good to me. The mysteries got removed. The things that weren’t meant to be mine went away.

Even though the losses were profound, there was a lightness that came with leaving behind a load that wasn’t mine to carry.

The last time I got the wheel, I got shitcanned and, shortly after, got the offer to return to my old job. Which I took.

The people who had lured me to my previous job put me down for returning to the job before that.

That’s right, people who did nothing to help me keep said job were somehow angry that I went running back to the old-old job when asked.

This proved a theory I had had all along — that they did their level best to lure me away for some sinister reason.

I mean, it’s no secret that my boss and I were buddies and these others didn’t like or appreciate him or his ways.

I know they loved screwing him by stealing me and then someone after me.

And I know they wished I found something new rather than running back.

I wasn’t ready, you know? I was missing him/that place anyway. I also had a fresh diagnosis and, um, NO INCOME STREAM.

But now I’m in a different mindset. I can maybe look for something new if I wanted to.

What I really want, I feel, is where I am.

I think of my friend Kim G. No not that Kim G. The previous one. She was part-time at Phillips even though she worked full-time.

When I asked her why she settled for 34 hours of pay, it was because she could leave at any time after those 34 (well, at least 40 for her) hours.

In other words, she had her priorities and once she knocked them out, gotta go and sorry I can’t help you with that pile of stress you just accepted because you’re not paid by the hour.

Mine is not a job that can be done part-time. Of course, when you think about it, it can’t be done by one full-timer either. But … what if I figured out how to make it a 40-hour gig … and did something else on the side that has more of a spiritual reward at the end rather than financial?

What if I already knew what it was … that I’ve always known what it was … and could just never do it because I’ve never made the time?

What if the Wheel is saying get out of this Ferris wheel car and climb into a different one for a while?

On the fifth day of December, the tarot advent calendar said to me …

What warm, generous, grateful overtures can you make today to those you love, admire and have been helped by?

The Empress is one of those cards you want to see when you’re hoping there’s a birth in your future.

Alas, I’m not looking forward to an actual pregnancy. But I would have preferred a girl if I were ever to perpetuate my DNA.

Besides, my grandmother always said “girls make you ugly.” From where I sit, she isn’t wrong. Even if one started out ugly, gestating a girl didn’t help.

In any event, the Empress is the Divine Mother. And it doesn’t have to be the querant. It can be someone who represents nurturing and love and care to you.

My mind immediately springs to someone who was let go two days before Thanksgiving.

I cannot speak to the circumstances behind this travesty because no one tells me anything anymore. But I can say that there was a little group of us who gave everything and then some. And we are tired. Like, gave till it hurts and now all these fresh faces are in the mix, making changes that often make things different instead of better.

In any event, I’ve been meaning for a few weeks now to call this motherly type.

So I’m not going to read into this card other than to pick up the damn phone and say hi to someone who was good to me for a very long time.

We used to talk tarot and she made me some beautiful crystal bracelets. There is something I can do for her now, and it’s about time I did it.

Was on a two-week break from work.

Got my final wisdom tooth pulled yesterday to start my first day back.

It was excruciating and I was on constant calls and my mouth bled all day.

Still, amid those constant calls, I heard many variations of “you look so relaxed.”

My favorite variant was, “So this is what you being relaxed looks like.”

I was 10 minutes into my first call of the day when I said I need another two weeks off because of what you people are proposing we do in the next two weeks.

Jesus Christ, I came back to my desk with four things I HAVE to achieve this week. And they dumped on those two extra projects … plus 12 reports … plus being secretary and planning meetings between two Japanese-speaking groups … plus I don’t even know what because my OOO message somehow stayed up yesterday. So I guess I’ll get hit with more today.

Can’t wait till my next vacation in two weeks.

And a buncha years at Blogspot before Jack sold it and started Twittah.