Caterwauling

Because I pay for this space and I can do whatever the heck I want.

1. I swear I saw the banshee neighbors in Wal-Mart. Although they acted way too civilized. They only had one kid, if so. I’ve noticed they leave the little bastards on their own (ages 1 and 5) sometimes. Mom worries but I’d rather have two of those idiots than all four.

2. I met a cute boy today. So cute. I mean, so freaking cute I can’t stand it. My type. Totally my type. And the ass on that guy. Mmmm. Damn.

3. I haven’t painted my nails or put on makeup or done a damn thing with my hair in weeks. I mean I shaved and put on clean clothes. And I’m pretty sure I showered at some point this weekend. But yeah. Just when I’ve all but given up on myself, interesting things can happen.

4. I think he’s too young for me. But damn. Mmmm. Funny, sweet, cute and interested in me. I’m going to try not too think too much about it. Outside of alone time, anyway, I’m sure.

5. I need a vacation. I’ve lost more than 90 days of promised vacation time. Wonder how to orchestrate a full week away without actually having to log in every single day for 10-12 hours a day. I’d prefer to go to PA but I think I am going to do a Florida adventure. Because, Mom and cat. Of course, with 30 days to burn before November, wouldn’t it be cool to be able to do it all?

I think the fact that I haven’t slept a full night in the four months I’ve lived here, not to mention all the sleep I lost over needing to move in the first place, has caught up with me.

To cope, I’ve been eating my feelings. And apparently everyone else’s.

I had lost a bunch of weight before my birthday. I’ve gained it back. And then some.

Which you know, is sure to make me feel even better about life.

I don’t post my real problems. I guess I just hope they go away.

Mom said, in all her psychicness, that I’m about to snap if I don’t do something. But what?

I try to live by the “focus on yourself, not others” mantra. But I can’t. Those fuckers upstairs are in my head, in my house and on my last nerve. I think of what I’d say to them if I weren’t so afraid of them. I think of what to say to the useless landlord/HOA so that it comes out flawlessly the next time I pick up my poison pen. I jump 20 feet every time one of their little bastard children bangs the sliding glass door and smashes a vase or whatever against their hardwood floors. (Which happens more often than you might think.)

I called the realtor who got me into this mess to tell her what a fuckup it’s been. She said she’d look for new places but let’s be honest. I was the one who found all the ones we toured together.

Every day I have to remind myself that things could be worse. But you know, having kids clearly isn’t in the cards for me. Thankfully neither is having an abusive spouse or being the most-hated neighbor in the world.

But I am in their violent relationship and I have to hear their kids screaming like they live in a goddamned jungle because they weren’t raised right. I have to deal with the fact that the kids nap at 7 p.m. so they can wake up at 11 and bang on the floor till 2 a.m. And I get to pay dearly for the privilege.

The more I focus on the negative, the worse my life gets. Everything else is going wrong too. I’m not sure how much more I can take.

In any event, I will get through this. Or, at least, away from this. But do you ever get the feeling that life is punishing you because you’re on the wrong path? If so, perhaps life can throw me a hint to get on the right one so I can stop throwing good money after bad and ignoring what’s important?!