Caterwauling

The other day I mentioned arriving here five years ago in a town car and thinking the office was a dump. And now I’m here again and I think it’s the GREATEST THING EVER.

Here’s another parallel.

Five years ago, I sat on this very floor in this very building, stunned that Michael Jackson had passed. And today, I am having ALL THE FEELS because Robin Williams just died.

I had posters of both on my walls as a child. MJ in his “Off the Wall” days and Robin dressed in rainbow suspenders as “Mork from Ork.”

(These were the days before I wallpapered with Jon Bon Jovi, Kip Winger and any other hairy celebrity featured in Metal Edge magazine, of course.)

Anyway, it’s just weird how I’m living life over again, in many ways. It’s like Groundhog Day. I just hope this time around, whatever it is, I finally get it right so I can move on to bigger and better things …

Worked 7:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m.

Yes, I left before 8 p.m. *moment of silence*

Came home to a hot dinner, and not a cold one. For a change.

Read a few chapters of “The Fault in Our Stars.” On my balcony. While there is LIGHT out.

Now, I might just go DO something interesting with my night.

This is as close to perfect as a day has ever been in a long, long time.

10 Signs You Definitely Need a Day Off

What made me nuts last week (if I had to narrow it down to one) was having a meltdown and it’s like, OK, so when WILL you be able to work on this project as opposed to, hey, go take the rest of the day off. Or hey finish out today and take a nice long weekend. Or hey, that two months of vacation you’ve stored up that expires in, oh, TWO MONTHS — use a little, eh?

Because that cannot happen and will not happen. And that’s what’s got me stressed out in the first place.

I just made my inaugural online purchase that ships to my new office. Whee! Wait till they get a load of my online shopping habit that helps me to cope with all my stress …

Had a goofy dream last night that the shiny new office got taken away from us and instead we had to rent a large restroom at a local hotel. The boss had the accessible stall, marketing was next to him, I was next to marketing and my new hire was next to me.

We had to provide our own laptops. And we still had to get on our daily conference calls even though we were in pissing distance. I think that was the scariest part of the nightmare, for me, when the boss announced to the group, “Goddess just joined the call” and I thought, sheesh, like you couldn’t bean me with a toilet paper roll.

I think it’s hilarious that something good finally, finally happens for us and I have the fear of God in me that it will be taken away.

Funny how life conditions you that way.

5.5 years ago, I stepped off the plane and jumped into the town car that would take me to my new office. I promptly horrified at what a dump it was, given my prior D.C. accommodations.

13.5 hours ago, I stepped out of my shitty car and walked into the same office. And was overjoyed at how awesome it was compared to my prior rural accommodations.

Amazing, the difference.

We have a better view. And a balcony. And it has about a thousand fewer bugs. And two fewer crackheads and one less person who was told to leave Wall Street and never return. So, there’s that.

I almost quit 11 times during my 56 hours (so far) of captivity this week. I offered my job to no fewer than four people. I burst into tears once. Tossed a yam or two like a football. Felt my soul detach and slide into the street.

And then today, my friends and I crawled through our window and surveyed the street below — and danced on our private balcony to the Latin music filling the air — and life got better in that very instant.

Things can only get better once you’ve hit rock bottom. And baby, I felt it. Time to bounce.

Today I found out that good things really do happen to good people. People who have been lied to and deceived (for reasons I may or may not agree with, if not the actions themselves). It gives me hope to just keep chugging along and maybe my miracles will come, too.

Of course, it makes me wonder whether I should be hanging around ONLY with those types of people. Maybe the root of my problems is the company I keep.

In any event, hour 45 of my captivity …

That newsletter I put together at 9:30 last night? I left the fucking split numbers in the subject line in the live version. Because like everything, it’s manual to add and it’s manual to remove. Usually I forget to add them so lucky me that I remembered this time. *smh*

Today I have people tapping their foot waiting on something that’s out of my control. Because in the 33 hours I worked as of Tuesday night, I guess I just didn’t have time to fit it in. And now there’s a bug that is preventing me from giving the all-clear to those who are waiting.

At least I got my ass out of bed today and took a walk. I’ve let my health go to shit with the recent tsunami of doom that has become my schedule. Mom is horrified by just how many Advil I’ve started to consume in a day to deal with the physical pain of stress. Today I’m actually calm and in a halfway decent mood. Perhaps I will live through this awful phase after all. …

9:43 p.m. Just finished the last work project. And remembered that I FORGOT MY CAR at the mechanic. The guy who never locks the car even though I ask.

Perhaps folks will steal my work possessions from the trunk. And maybe they can go there for two weeks so Goddess can have a proper vacation.

Or at least a vacation from our technology, anyway. Just as well.

OMG I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE our systems. HATE.

The day started off OK enough. I have been asking my buddy for a fix for like ever. It’s so small and stupid but it requires programming skillz on my part to patch up when I use this particular thing about five times a week.

And today I thought well, it’s been a few days since I tried it. Let me try it.

AND THE ANGELS SANG. It was fixed!

So that was all well and good till I wrote a newsletter today. And then went to broadcast it in another system. And even though I watched WITH MY OWN EYES the fulfillment team upload my test and live and seed lists, the system said, O HAI NO TEST LIST — GO AWAI NAO.

So I was about to call my other friend at home when I thought, let me check something out in the document first.

O HAI evil system ATE MY DOCUMENT. ATE IT. ATE THE FUCKING LAYOUT GOD DAMN YOU.

I happened to be chatting with the friend for whom the angels were singing. The guy who can un-fuck-up any fuck-up. And even he’s like, um, the network says you never created the document.

GODDAMN IT I CREATED THE FUCKING DOCUMENT. Here’s a screenshot.

Screenshot.

HAH.

The problem with this GODDAMNED DOCUMENT is a table of information that must be compiled at 4:15 p.m. Otherwise, doom.

So here it is 7:28 p.m. and THANK YOU BABY JESUS I had a visual copy of the table and all the headlines I had written and promptly forgotten.

I decided first reader who has a complaint gets eviscerated.

Finished my next project at 9:36 p.m. Checked e-mail. One reader wrote twice to verify a MOTHERFUCKING TYPO.

He said please call. I ain’t callin’ you for no goddamned typo. I wrote to say GREAT CATCH, YOU DA MAN MOTHAFUCKA. *pat pat pat*

EVISCERATE, YO.

I just heard the lyric blasting out of the living room, “I’d have a lot to give, if I still gave a damn …”

Which, irony. Also, Zac Brown. Which means his duet with Richie Sambora must be about to start …

On to cleaning the house next! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

If you’re not sensing a theme here, you’re engaging in the same willful blindness that’s plaguing this universe.

I want to meet those people who bound out of bed every day, feeling fully rested after a deep and peaceful slumber and who cannot wait to experience all the adventures their day holds in store. And I want to kick their asses up and down the Beltway.

I think I need a new everything.