Caterwauling

As seen in my inbox courtesy of The Daily Om:

Honoring Life Changes
The Wisdom of Fear

Anything worth doing will always have some fear attached to it. For example, having a baby, getting married, changing careers—all of these life changes can bring up deep fears. It helps to remember that this type of fear is good. It is your way of questioning whether you really want the new life these changes will bring. It is also a potent reminder that releasing and grieving the past is a necessary part of moving into the new.

Fear has a way of throwing us off balance, making us feel uncertain and insecure, but it is not meant to discourage us. Its purpose is to notify us that we are at the edge of our comfort zone, poised in between the old life and a new one. Whenever we face our fear, we overcome an inner obstacle and move into new and life-enhancing territory, both inside and out. The more we learn to respect and even welcome fear, the more we will be able to hear its wisdom, wisdom that will let us know that the time has come to move forward, or not. While comfort with fear is a contradiction in terms, we can learn to honor our fear, recognizing its arrival, listening to its intelligence, and respecting it as a harbinger of transformation. Indeed, it informs us that the change we are contemplating is significant, enabling us to approach it with the proper reverence.

You might wish to converse with your fear, plumbing its depths for a greater understanding of the change you are making. You could do this by sitting quietly in meditation and listening or by journaling. Writing down whatever comes up—your worries, your sadness, your excitement, your hopes—is a great way to learn about yourself through the vehicle of fear and to remember that fear almost always comes alongside anything worth doing in your life.

What a roller coaster this week has been so far. And it’s only Tuesday!

Had the best weekend I’ve had in more than four months. I’d say 19 drinks in one night constitutes a good time. Even wandering the avenue, trying to hike to my car in the wee hours of Sunday morning, was kind of awesome.

Today was emotionally challenging for reasons I won’t give here. Even though everything’s “OK,” if you can call it that, I’m fresh out of energy. If I didn’t have the great weekend that I had — for which I was feeling guilty because there’s so much else that’s pressing — I would never have had the emotional resources to make it through the day.

I’ve got a lot going on right now and my move is coming up next weekend. Jesus H. I’m not the goddess I used to be; I want my energy back so that I can keep my crown!

“No one said we were victims, honey
No one said we had to keep the things we get
There aint no regrets.”

– Rob Thomas, “Cradlesong”

I feel like I want to write, but my head is as empty as my busted-up little heart right now.

I keep rethinking things I have in motion, from the dream apartment to, well, everything. Maybe it’s money. Maybe it’s that I know the OEH will never get a goddamned job and now I’ll be paying multiple rents for the rest of my life. Maybe it’s just that I don’t really care about anything anymore.

The rational side of me reminds me that this life is still mine. And that everything will change the moment I’m in my new place by myself. Well, maybe nothing will change but the Zip code, at least initially, but I’m hoping that other great things will follow.

As the song says, “No one said we have to keep the things we get.”

I’m giving it back. Housing my mother in my own abode. Hating my sub-par apartments so that I could afford to keep her. I wish I could give back the dent to my credit that I’m taking because I can’t pay her bills right now (she has my name on one of her cards). My apartment full of memories of my Maddie. My sadness. My stress. My impatience. My loneliness.

The universe has given me many good things. I’ve also taken on so many heavy things. And I looked at the exchange policy and it’s good for a lifetime. So, take my tears and scars and baggage back. I don’t want it anymore.

I look at it this way: What’s the worst that can happen, making the changes I so desperately crave and even need? The worst DID happen. Maybe I’m being overdramatic about losing my beloved cat, but shit. I had to give back the best gift a girl could have wished for. I need something in return.

I asked the OEH before I left for work, as she asked me if I had any cash on me (I don’t. Ever), to come up with 10 ways she could make $5. The answer when I came home from work was of course “blow jobs.”

I don’t give a fuck WHAT she does; I just want her to do something to earn a buck. Granted, the government gets half, but we’ll work on “how to earn $10″ as our next lesson.

But I’ve got to give her back, too, to save me. Even if that involves a heaping amount of money to get my space. I’ll try it for a year. My fondest wish is that it won’t TAKE another year (that’d be three, if you’re keeping score at home) for her to get a job. I notice I can tolerate her so much better now that my new apartment is in my hands, just waiting for ME AND ME ALONE.

I’m tired of worrying that I’m being selfish. I need my strength to fight another day. At the rate I’m going, I don’t know how many more good days are left in me. So, whatever I have left, I’ve got to do my damndest to enjoy it.

Deep as a Petrie dish, but still.

I had a dream the other night in which I put a Post-It Note on my calendar with a profound little quote, which was:

“Your vision is your value; everything else is secondary to your ideas.”

For the record, that note is now on my calendar.

This probably stemmed from remembering a conversation from before I started my new job, in which they saw me coming in as a “thought leader.” And I’ve been feeling like I’ve been doing anything BUT living up to that expectation … as it was equally MY expectation.

But alas, the hamster wheel starts to roll and you just jump in because that’s what you’ve always done. And it’s hard to generate ideas when your head’s full of everything else.

I got a good piece of advice the other day, to always make sure I’m ahead of the game — that I’m not always playing catch-up so I can have time to brainstorm and/or handle the unexpected crises. I realized this advice was hardly news to me — I always strive to be a step or two ahead. But it’s just impossible sometimes, and any new crisis just bumps the already past-due stuff, even-more past-due.

Anyway, I didn’t jump in here to kvetch. Things are going OK. I’m stressed out about everything but I’m also so brokenhearted that I can’t muster up the inclination to worry too much. Just like I have faith that Maddie reached her rainbow bridge and we’ll see each other again soon enough, I have to believe everything else will work out the way it should, as well … especially since it all seems so unimportant in comparison to everything else.

Another “deep thought” came to me as I was watching my church’s online services on Sunday morning. The pastor had everyone snap their fingers and reminded us that this is how quickly God can turn things around for us. Just in a snap. Just a heartbeat. Just an instant.

I’ve been snapping my fingers in hopes Mom will get a JOB in an instant, just because it is my greatest dream.

Sad how small my dreams have become.

And if my vision truly IS my value, and all I care about is putting my left foot in front of my right, lather/rinse/repeat, then what world-changing events am I capable of that will never come to fruition as my big dreams lie dormant?

Sweet girl

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I realize I never really gave any love to Kadie on the Web. So, O HAI, I do have another cat, for the 99% of you who never knew it.

Today was another fucked-up one. As I was getting out of the car this morning, a random bit of Maddie’s fur found its way onto my shirt. I realized it was hers and started sobbing. I know, shocker, right?

So the chain of unfortunate events followed that I popped my trunk, as I always do because I throw my laptop in there when I drive. But today, I had put the laptop in the backseat.

So it was about noon and I finally decided to go find my glasses in my car, which have been there for days and, since I iz an editor, I’ve needed them.

I walked to the car, saw that MY TRUNK WAS OPEN, and had a moment of OMGWTFGODDESS. Nothing seemed to be missing (it’s mostly clothes and takeout menus). I locked it up and grabbed my glasses.

Walked all the way back to work before realizing they were my SUNglasses.

Back to the car to do the glasses exchange. A five-minute journey had turned into 15 at this point.

Oh well. The sun felt good, even if the heat is downright scrotal right now in South Floriduh.

I don’t know what I did with Maddie’s fur. I was actually excited, as it was going to be my only real keepsake of when she was mine.

Everyone keeps saying it’ll get better. I don’t believe it for a second. But for Kadie’s sake, I’ve got to try.