Caterwauling

Some people, you’d want to follow over a cliff if they asked you to. 

The rest will lead you to that cliff and push you over. 

You meet far, far fewer of the first kind. 

I made peace with someone who has bugged me seven ways to Sunday for a very long time. 

I don’t know if they know it. Or if they ever realized how upset I got around them before.  

Been waiting a long time for them to do something for me. I mean, a long time. And the person whose behalf I requested it on is ready to give up on both of us. 

And while there’s always the chance I’ll get in trouble (or canned, a la the last employer. You know, who punished me for standing up for talented but not yet properly motivated people), I realized they really do want to do a good job. They just aren’t built for the 14-hour shifts that frankly I can’t do anymore, either. 

So let’s cram a lifetime into eight-ish. It’s possible. We can do it together. 

This small moment is big for me. It’s grace, pure and simple. 

I was telling a potential new hire that I meet people where they are. That everyone has something to contribute. That all anyone needs is someone to meet them on their level to help them move forward. 

He had asked how I like to communicate. I said not a phone fan BUT it’s stupid to try to meet the “boss” where they are. It’s the “boss” who needs the workers to produce. If you want to chat for an hour every day and you deliver top-quality work, then pick a time because I’m there for you. 

He liked that. And I’ll stand by it. 

So getting back to my point, I stood by what j just said to a stranger. And I met someone where they are. And funny how, once they “got” what I wanted, they are able to work on it with purpose. 

I notice I can let tasks pile up. Not to aggravate anyone but myself. If I don’t get it, it takes me a while to figure out why and how. But once I arrive at those conclusions, I fly through the task. 

So why make people guess and mind-read and overcome their frustration that you can’t be clear? (Or in this case, they hate email and I hate the phone. Lo, I picked up a phone. Easy.)

There’s bigger shit to do and it’s nice to have a clean slate so you can tackle the new things. 

And now, I can. 

Went to grab breakfast at my favorite place. 

My favorite barista from another place was telling my favorite cashier (yes I love them all) that he just put in his two weeks’ notice. 

My cashier asked if there are other openings where he’s going. 

I said I was bummed since he’s the only one who can make a good drink. He seemed happy to hear that. 

That’s the thing. Most people don’t need a compliment. They just need to not feel regretful every time they open their mouth. Because you can take that mouth and everything that wants to come out of it to rhe new salad place down the street. 

I probably won’t follow my favorite barista. But then again, you never really know with me, do you now?

I could say “I did a dumb” more than once in my lifetime (or day, although a day feels so much longer than this incredibly short lifetime does …).

Today it was selling a dividend-paying stock a week before the dividend gets paid.

Granted it’s one share and I really wanted to redirect that capital. But still. The stock was down 10 cents today. Did I need to wait a week to gain 14 cents?

In any event, I realize yesterday’s post was weird and cryptic. And it was really a reaction to being at the mercy of forces beyond my control and yet not beyond control. (Another dumb.)

I have a smart, though. I’ve been in a snit since I had miss an event at the Kravis Center and lost $100 on the ticket buy. Well tonight I have tickets (albeit cheaper) to an event I don’t want to attend (but it’s for Mom’s birthday), and I am not going to miss it. Even though I probably should because of some time loss yesterday.

That’s the attitude to keep in check. I “should” miss it because of some “things beyond control.”

If that has to be the case, I will give something up on Wednesday. Something that means far less. And there’s nothing I like better than putting time to better use than it normally would have been.

Dumb: 2. Smart: 2. That’s a win in my book!

And my Starbucks. 

And my weekly walks to the beach. 
And the class I signed up for. 

And the one thing that’s always been mine. 

Hope the “Field of Dreams” experiment works. Build it and they will come back, right?

It’s another awesome day. Truly.

Been a great week, actually.

Still busy as all get-out. But I have never been one to complain about that. (Other than the whole never being able to get a break thing.)

But now that I have seen that I can get a break, I have a whole new perspective. I love that I can even say “oh hey, now that I’m BACK …” because it means I left.

In any event, rather than waxing poetic about how beautiful Stockholm is in the fall, I just want to say I had a very good interview today.

And as I have to clarify, since someone asked where *I* am interviewing, I may get another “boy” to add to “my boys.”

In fact, he actually said to me, “My goal is to be one of your ‘boys.'” Which, come on — wouldn’t you hire this guy on that fact alone?

In any event, he’s been around the block too and he said he’s never met someone in my position who knows so much ABOUT so much. Like, I see a lot of mutual respect and trust in our potential future as colleagues. And that’s very important to me.

I don’t think it was b.s. when he was paying me compliments. Which, trust me — (sincere) flattery will get you as far as I can possibly help you to get.

Then I identified a big problem, and my friends got together and solved it before anyone else noticed it. Which is kind of what we DO but it makes the day doubleplusgood.

I love this day and this week.

I didn’t want to write about 9/11. But as I binge-watch brand-new specials on the History Channel, just like I was glued to the news 15 years ago, it occurs to me how much work has changed. 

Like I said in my last post, 9/11 is like our BC/AD line. 

For me, a near-immediate move to D.C. made sense. I drove past the blackened wing of the Pentagon until they rebuilt it. The new facade was a starkly different shade than the rest of the building.

Over time, it got weathered and the average commuter would never see the difference. But we knew where the wreckage was. 

You don’t drive up 395 and not have it haunt your subconscious. Especially when the world is focused on NYC. 

Then, I worked with people who selflessly booked trips to NYC to offer therapy to the first responders. 

Now, I work with people who worked in the Twin Towers, on the NYSE, had buddies who died because they worked at Cantor Fitzgerald and other financials. I see the footage now and I scan for familiar faces. Because they were there. 

Work changed post-9/11. Dress codes loosened. If there’s a fireball flying at you, sneakers and jeans should appal no one. Working from home beats not being able to get to work at all. 

I know people who couldn’t be on time if they tried. I was always in early and out late. But the early birds at the Pentagon and the Towers were fucked. Wish we could know the ratio of bosses to workers who showed up on time. 

My friend Shan and I, our conversations are well-documented on this 15-year-old blog. 

We ached for the poor saps who were unhappy but dragged themselves in each day. Who had dreams they weren’t chasing that day. Who didn’t get to chase them eventually. 

We ached for those who died doing what they loved. That their passion and talent only took them to their deathbed. But we respected the hell out of them. 

Basically we just wanted to do more than tolerate life. To have passion and joy and respect and love. We wanted to open our own business. I’m pretty sure I still have our handwritten plans. 

We haven’t done it yet. We still talk but not as much. We still have dreams. But they feel so much bigger than they did back then. 

I’m thinking of her today. Not going to call. But happy that 9/11 caused us both to job-switch and end up in the same company on the same day. 

That’s how I prefer to remember this day. Even if my posts of years past say otherwise. 🙂

Coming back to work after five working days (10 full days, thank you Labor Day) away is like letting a mental patient back into society.

Sure, I was up and dressed and at my perch on time. I had my to-do list ready with seven things but with certain plans to knock out three of them.

And then, “oh hey we’re launching a project tomorrow” was said to someone else. And that matters to me. (So glad I heard it.) That’s because I have a couple parts in it that I haven’t done because I didn’t know when it was launching. And my part in it is pretty timely.

While it was no big deal, and I banged the bulk of it out by 1 p.m., I feel … fragile. Like, whoa. Needed just a little warning there. Don’t disturb the crazy person yet.

(Now to do those other three big things …)

I mean, I’m glad no one asked me about it last week. Facebook Memories reminds me quite clearly that I was working during several holidays past. But it’s very weird how completely off it threw me.

And I felt my quelled anxiety bubble to the surface again. Which is weird because this is no big deal and I could do this in my sleep. Truly.

But this was a big day. Of the last 10 days, I wore makeup once. Fixed my hair exactly zero times. Wore nothing but shorts and halters and Coppertone dry oil with SPF 12. Today? Makeup, hair, outfit, and brain usage. No sliding into it!

Actually I’m pretty lucky. It’s a more creative environment. No need for suits and “stupid shoes” (my name for things that pinch and make you bleed). If you want to get up and walk around, you get up and walk around. Hungry? Undercaffeinated? Fix it at your earliest convenience. Etc.

It made me think of quite a few high achievers I knew who went off-course, shall we say. I never quite knew how to address them after that. Didn’t want to be the reason they got knocked off the wagon or regressed.

So I took a little walk. Couldn’t be a long one, but better than nothing. Grabbed my worry stone and started rubbing. Took this little brain break to bang out this incoherence. And now, back to it for as long as my body can handle.

Interesting how my brain is just fine. Alive, alert, ready and even hungry. But my body? In near-rebellion mode. And I have no idea how to get them back into sync …

Hello, back-to-school anxiety. Been 10 days since we’ve been acquainted. 

Saw this online somewhere. Did screen grabs rather than getting the hyperlink. 

Sounds about right …

Dearest S.,

I just saw that Gandhi quote and boy, guess who came to mind?

Our old friend called me last night. A few did, actually. But you know who I mean. She was lucky enough to see you just a week ago.

She is helping me to piece together the details of your last moments here. It still doesn’t make any sense to us. But, you know. I’d rather have envisioned you having a “burger garden” at the Brass Ring or a plate of pasta at Maggiano’s or TWO PLATTERS OF BRIE AND FRUIT (omg we really ate that in one sitting!) at DaDa.

Anyway. Everyone here is evaluating/reevaluating everything right now. Seems everyone is taking days off this week and month. And yet here I am with tears in my eyes, working through the pain.

It both hurts and comforts me that it’s probably the most-appropriate way to honor you.

And while I could bash this earth’s head in if it ever took human form for taking you (and taking you the way it did), it’s bringing the old gang back together. In a surreal, kind of fucked-up way. But, you know. Does anything ever happen in a way that’s NOT messy and ridiculous?

We’d laugh about it if you were here. You probably are pondering the irony wherever you are. Which, I imagine, is running your crepe shop on the Mediterranean and teaching Greek and French to grateful tourists. In the same loving way you taught our friend’s son to read.

You still amaze me, the more I learn about you.

I suspect that trend will only continue.

Love you,
Goddess