Caterwauling

In either case, I extended an offer for one of my candidates to become my protege and he said yes.

Well, he said yes after asking for more money.

What is it with kids today, who have no relevant experience whatsoever, asking for more than what they put on paper was their asking price?

I think it’s a male thing. Had I gone with the female candidate, I bet she would have been just like me and not willing to push the proverbial cash-filled envelope.

I really liked the female candidate. Trouble was, she *is* me at 26. Like, the Same. Damn. Person. A little loud, a little funky, a little (perhaps too) bold.

God I hope she never changes.

I’m happy with the way things have turned out. Now maybe I can do some damn work instead of interviewing people and grading writing and editing tests.

Oh, who am I kidding. I’m in for a solid year of downloading my brain into my bouncing baby boy’s noggin.

And I am totally OK with that.

Yeah. It’s like that right this second.

“I have a friend I confide in
He always says doll you got to learn not to lead with your chin
But you can’t help it
It all comes up again
And then you have your fill
And your spill reaches down as far as a flood.”

— Cyndi Lauper, “Eventually”

Only slightly paraphrased to protect the lazy.

“Will somebody tell Goddess she shouldn’t be working at 7:30 at night? We shouldn’t be revolving things around her schedule.”

Maybe this wouldn’t be an issue if more than one person ever listened to a goddamned word I ever said.

Gather boys and girls as I tell you about a tale of three candidates in second-round interviews, and my two personal disasters associated with each and how I will likely hire based on them.

Candidate #1: During that meeting, the hem fell out of my favorite dress.

Candidate #2: No drama whatsoever. Like, none. At all. What. So. Ever.

Candidate #3: The temporary crown popped off its post and I had to work it back into place in front of this candidate and my boss without opening my mouth lest said toof might shoot out and offend.

“Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs.” That’s all I gotta say.

And long-haired freaky people, feel free to apply. Even if I’m deep-down a fan of the clean-cut, polished and gracious types who hold my chair for me and seem amenable to goddess-worship.

Just as I’ve been drafting up my own Evil Plan for taking the office from being a place that’s killing us to one that might actually keep us alive long enough to kill us later …

We get a note from HR that they are implementing a Wellness program. They want to know what sorts of classes we would benefit from.

Assuming that means we get to take a lunch hour (ahem) to attend them, I propose:

• How to Burn 75 Calories Dodging One Meeting Reminder
• How to Drink Just Enough to Tolerate People Without Them Being Able to Tell You’re Drunk
• Hands-Free Orgasms at Your Desk (or Anywhere!)
• 5 Inexpensive Ways to Buy Back Your Soul from the Devil After a Conference Call Ends Early
• 3 Easy Strategies to Fake Your Death (or Accelerate Someone Else’s) and Still Get a Paycheck Without Prison Time

A quick must-read: There is No ‘Startup’ Culture — There is Only Culture

TL;DR edition:

At Clockwork we do things like hosting (and attending) community and industry events, bringing a CSA day (organic farm vegetables!) to the office, having a walking work station and a Nice Ride MN bike sharing membership, and hosting an internal launch lunch where we share project learning and successes. Our monthly Lab Day — where employees can bring an interest or an idea to the table and dedicate the day to it — encourages creative curiosity and collaboration. We’re rolling out a variation on this concept this month with a Lab Day of Service, a day dedicated to helping an organization by donating our expertise and people power. …

Culture creates empowering challenges and meaningful engagement. If we let all of this be compromised because we simply are more comfortable resisting change, then we are failing at culture and we are failing at work. But bigger than that — we are failing people.

1. After breathing the same truck’s exhaust for 17 miles, I am doing a Countdown to Civilization. I need a move date for the office. And I am going to Cabbage Patch my pudgy pork roast butt off when moving day arrives.

2. Fun with headlines (although abbreviated because, lazy): Fed Cancels Plans to Fly Migrants to California for Processing. Soylent Green processing?

3. I found an old content strategy that I had drafted up for one of my failed employment adventures. It’s funny how companies let me waste my real talents, which I think is strategy but I always find myself in “thinking on the spot” situations and never really moving past them. Because, I don’t know how. So, maybe I suck at strategy after all.

4. That said, I got a really good idea that I can use now. Well, in time, anyway. If I can figure out how to have it make money, I will be all over it.

4.a. Was that me getting my fire back?

5. My body clock detests everyone who gives me pre-market work. Every time I start my day earlier, I end it later because I’m tired all day and can’t “get it up” for the creative outbursts I used to experience.

5.a. Fire extinguished so soon?

Do you look for the right job or the right company?

I started out at Westinghouse Electric, Deloitte & Touche and Coopers & Lybrand — all pre-merger. Great companies.

Then I went into non-profit and hated my life for the next half-dozen years. But the jobs were good even though the pay/companies sucked.

These days I would say “right team” trumps “right company” and “right job” since I’ve had it each way and can speak with a lot of hindsight.

Funny how none of the reader comments say you can have it all.

It’s been a while since I posted about my adventures with company values, leadership and employee engagement.

Mostly because when you spend 2/3 of your week going against all things holy and finding ways to pacify the savage beasts in the moat around your castle, well, priorities.

I’m working my way back from a long burnout odyssey (that counts as vacation, right?) and if I don’t re-engage my brain, I’ll be on the short bus right back.

My friends Bill Catlette and Richard Hadden over at Contented Cows sent an e-letter this weekend that struck a chord in me about hiring the right person for the job …

1. J.C. Penney invited candidates for a high-level job to dinner. The most-recommended candidate, he passed over, in favor of a man who tasted his potatoes before seasoning them. It showed he wasn’t as quick to judge as the “best” candidate, who salted his potatoes immediately.

2. Bill Marriott, who likes to travel with his future potential leaders, had a young man who was brilliantly polite to a food server in a restaurant where things were moving slowly. Marriott’s stance was that you want people on your team who are kind to waitstaff, airline employees, bellmen and others — people who show grace belong at your side when you’re running your business.

I have second-round interviews on Tuesday. And I will be keeping these successful businessmen’s stories in mind.

1. The Candidate from Hell aced his editing test. So I’m imagining the two very very “interesting” editing tests I’ve received this week mean these people won’t give me nightmares should I decide to hire either of them.

1.a. Boy am I going to have my hands full, either way. Might as well stock up the liquor cabinet now.

1.b. I finally see a vacation day in my future. Probably after those days expire, but still. Vacation.

2. I had someone try to out-asshole someone else yesterday. Which, I had to tell Person B, hey, don’t be an asshole to me because Person A is an asshole to you. Person A already desensitized me to your kind. You are a pretty big asshole but you will NEVER wear the crown. Got it?

3. Speaking of assholes, I had to apply for CareCredit at my dentist since I apparently will owe them four grand for my toofs. And the financing lady looked at my annual income and said, “That’s per month, right?” This is what I get for living in an affluent ZIP code. She looked at me piteously when I said I have to live on that amount FOR A WHOLE YEAR.

Oh who am I kidding. These aren’t things I think. These are things I SAY.