Caterwauling

I hate resolutions more than the next person. But that’s because I break them, so there’s that.

Here are my goals for the year, and if I’m not somehow working toward them, then I’m not doing myself a service.

1. Stop blaming everyone. Including myself.

I have no life because of work. I have no quality of what little life is left over because of mom. I’m fat because I’m stressed.

And all of that, while on the surface can appear to be perfectly accurate, is wrong.

I have a life. A good one, even. That it is not better is because I don’t make it that way.

Easy example. There’s a publication I am mandated to read. I generally dislike the writing style so it just seems to me an extra stressor when I could be doing, I dunno, yoga. Or more likely reading something else that would bring me pleasure. Like US Magazine, in most cases. But still.

I’ve learned to blame myself, though. That if I were a better person, I could do that AND the other things in life I haven’t prioritized.

This year, yes I’ll read it. But I have to recognize that the only one who has the power to make me move apartments, work less, take that industry-standard copywriting course I paid dearly for, or stop putting cake in my mouth because (admittedly) Mom insisted on having it in the house … is me.

2. Enjoy what I have, while I have it.

Moving apartments is not a goal. It’s a necessity. This place is a goddamned health hazard. Physical as well as mental.

I will miss my view and the beach. Which I have not taken advantage of due to A) overwork and B) mom being too sick/weak to go and I never get to go without her.

The next place will have its drawbacks and I’m killing myself to find something that has what mom wants (privacy, view) and modernity (i.e., elevators not handmade by Otis, stove not personally installed by Westinghouse) and in a price range that will maybe help me to stop thinking up new ways to pick up side jobs in my already twee amount of free time.

3. Accept that I live in Florida (good) and that everything I do is meant to keep me living a nice little life here.

This is specific to making a living. And also related to not blaming everyone else.

I think maybe I should resolve not to talk about workapalooza on the blog anymore. Or Faceypages, for that matter.

Either I’m going to go completely silent, or completely crazy.

My friends said to me over dinner last night, that they don’t know how I handle job/mom/apartment/life. But they think I’m the happiest one of the bunch and they can’t get over how much I LOVE my crazy line of work.

Honestly I want a schedule like they have — working part-time around the kids. I just don’t need the kids.

Not to say I don’t want a kid. There. I said it. But not right now. Not this way. Not with the Weight of the World and No One to Share It With.

In any case, it’s not cheap living in Florida. So I need to suck it up and quit my bitching, even though it’s mostly only to myself. Did the rent check clear? Did the credit card get approved at the gas station? Did I get a pedicure last night and walk out in flip-flops and go drink a nice wasabi martini and eat sea bass?

Good. Then quit yer bitchin’, Goddess.

Besides, there are other things to write about …

I have to say, in all my 40 years on this earth, there is no better feeling than to be kissed by someone who thinks you’re wonderful.

Here’s to having more feel-good moments this year than we all had last year …

2014 wasn’t too bad.

Today was for shit. And so will tomorrow as I work the holiday.

But the year brought some good things too. And some great ones.

Every year we try to ring in the year with traditions (what’s left of them) and silly things done “for luck.”

Of course, on a year like this one when you don’t do them, you wonder briefly whether their absence will affect 2015’s outcome.

And yet, annually gnawing on a hunk of pork on New Year’s Day hasn’t produced lifelong happiness. So the fact that my bifteki and tsaziki wrap caused temporary bliss, I’ll call New Year’s Eve a victory.

The year is ending on an OK note. Work sucked many days but I have a good job overall. Mom drove me nuts most of the year but I am glad to have her. My heart has been all the fuck over the place but it’s still beating and even racing.

I didn’t get to see the world. But one trip led to a chance meeting that turned into Something.

And as 2014 comes to a close, when people ask about the best part, I won’t answer.

But I will smile and remember the best parts. And even the others that made me appreciate them all the more.

I got to talking with one of my boys about what would have happened if he had looked me up like he was planning to, a handful of Decembers ago — before everything changed in both our lives.

I’m always quick to point out that it was a messy time for both of us and it would have ended in disaster.

But I got to looking at the calendar and thinking that particular December was actually pretty good. Best part of that nutty year for me, actually.

I would probably have picked up that phone. And unbeknownst to both of us at the time, we were about to embark on big interstate moves.

I might not have found my way to sunny Florida — at least, not as soon as I did. But funny to think that maybe I would have been too happy to not know what I was missing because I was really happy somewhere else with him.

Life didn’t happen that way. So I don’t spend a lot of time wondering. Or thinking that maybe we would have followed my path instead and gotten here anyway.

Perhaps I didn’t think my greatest love affair would have been with Florida. But that’s what did happen.

He didn’t call, but it sure did. And here I am …

I’m reading some kvetching about Facebook’s “Year in Review” feature. But really, I had a good year and my “yearbook” was very nice and I am happy my crap moments didn’t appear.

Of course, maybe that’s because I deleted/didn’t record them.

At year-end 2014, Mom’s health is worse than ever. I still work way too much and even though I kicked and screamed that I didn’t have help in the first half of the year, now I kick and scream that I do have help.

I got to travel more this year but I still lost all my vacation days and I did work through my out-of-town days, which is exactly why I didn’t travel last year.

Try spending a grand on a trip up north and not want to set your return ticket on fire.

The funny thing is — as my mom was waiting for me to snap my laptop shut on Christmas Eve (since I’ve been gone the past five weekends and there was no food in the house) — she said, “You really do like your job, don’t you?”

“The work,” I clarified. “I love the work.”

But she was right. I have a blast when it’s just me and the rare bright mind.

I almost didn’t come back from my last of two Orlando trips this month. I couldn’t go to the theme park with my friends because, work. And then I just had a phone call that made me nuts and I thought, WTF.

That’s not all I thought. But what I can admit to is thinking back about 10 years when my ex-friend got fired for his blog where he wrote about the “Dipshit Writer.”

Who was a dipshit. But also a nationally syndicated columnist.

The friend is an ex-friend because he tried to use my blog to get me fired twice. Joke was on him.

I quit the first time before anyone could approach me (I do read stats, you know). The second time, it backfired because everyone read the blog and LOVED IT. They still read it. *waves*

In any case, without my blog I’d be dead. And I keep A LOT off these pages. But if I couldn’t work through the issues I do choose to publicize, I wouldn’t be as good of a daughter, as good of a worker, as good of a friend and as good of a lay (just wanted to see if you were paying attention!) as I am.

So, all told it was the same year as last year. And for all that got better, more got worse. So, same shit, different year, basically.

Normally I can’t wait to kick a year to the curb. But honestly it wasn’t all that bad. I’ll keep 2014 around for as long as I can. Because I promised myself everything changes next year as much as I’ve changed.

And that suddenly scares me more than it thrills me.

To be continued …

Attempting not to end every sentence with the equivalent of “WTF is WRONG with you?”

Here’s to hoping I don’t say it out loud.

Again.

Another Christmas survived. Another sad little day but we made it through.

Mom says it’s the last one she will be able to do. Her health is too shot.

Next year I cook. If she’s still here.

If not, well …

Not ready to think about that yet.

There has to be hope. Has to be.

I mean, we give health insurance to idiots who take years off of their competent colleagues’ lives. Why can’t good, useful and loving people like her get the same courtesy?

She cooked her little heart out today. And though she didn’t feel well, she pushed through the pain and went with me to see some Christmas lights.

I loved it. I hope she did too.

As always she thanked me for working so hard for us. She wished she could give me a gift. I told her she does every day that she’s here.

Enjoying a moment together is gift enough …

Mom said something rather profound to me today, that “Just because it isn’t in your ‘right now’ doesn’t mean it won’t be in your future.”

I don’t know how she got so wise. But some days I appreciate it more than others.

In any event.

“I can face it, just about
I’d rather hurt than live without
But I will rage and scream and shout
A love, a life, it’s dark and bright
It’s beautiful and it’s all right.

Let your guard down
Get your heart pounded
We all bleed
We all breathe
And nothing stays the same.”

— Luke Sital-Singh, “Nothing Stays the Same”

It’s 4 a.m. And I’m wide awake.

Not that Santa is coming. I gave up on him long after he gave up on me, though.

I bought one gift and it apparently didn’t ship before the recipient left town. Good job, small business.

In any event, back to work Friday. No plans to get out of bed tomorrow. So here are some crappy photos.

Ho.

One of my two beachy-themed palm trees. The iPhone doesn’t do them justice.

Here’s the other.

I have a little reindeer under my tree, too.

A whole day with no stupid questions to answer. Asked/answered 11 different ways. And still not comprehended.

Good thing I answered twice as many today. I will appreciate tomorrow twice as much.