Caterwauling

I have always been a believer of divine intervention/retribution, of the score being evened in the end. And as people and things are testing my patience in ways that I can only describe as “abominable,” I struggle to maintain my inner zen.

Some days, it’s like the inner goddess, inner child, inner bitch and inner peace are fighting the mental equivalent of the Iraq war within my being. But the bottom line is that I am a patient, patient person — to my own detriment, at times, but to quote Richie Sambora’s song “Ballad of Youth”: “Everybody rides on the karma train.”

Before I launch into today’s tirade, here’s the song:

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If someone’s dead to you, why can’t they take the next logical step and just die already?

In perhaps the most bizarre incident of peer pressure, I suddenly want to find a church. Now, if I know me, this will last exactly 20 minutes and will probably pass. Otherwise I’ll go one week and then try to find a pagan temple or something to counterbalance it, but maybe that’s what I need right now. God or something like it.

I don’t know if my reasons are right, but I guess the motivation doesn’t matter — just that I show up and mean it. I’m hoping it will be a leap I need to take to learn to commit to myself, to stop saying, “Well, maybe NEXT week. …” with that and everything else my lazy ass puts off. Because I? Will never run out of excuses. For anything. I think I’ve been handed so many in my life that I’ve learned how to dole them out like a Costco-sized case of cat treats.

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Today’s horoscope from Astrocenter.com rang true not just for me as a Gemini, but for anyone:

Remember that those who matter would rather have you enjoying life than tiring yourself out for their sake.

I spent yesterday feeling sick. It was emotionally based but it manifested itself into physical symptoms. I woke up today, still with a residual dull headache, and said “No More.”

Today I made up songs and danced with my cats as a chapter of my existence drew to a close. Today I made up my mind to just roll with the punches right now. Today I looked at vacation packages to places I could never afford or even consider because I need something more to aspire toward.

Today I realized that I’m not in this forever — not any situation, and especially not this life. I get mad that the days don’t seem to count. When they slip away, they evaporate. You don’t get this energy, this health, this time back. I’ve got to take it back in any way I can, or at least reclaim the territory wherever possible.

Today I decided that I’m not going to sparkle and shine *for* them or maybe even once in awhile *because* of them; rather, I’m going to shine *despite* them.

Who’s this mysterious “them”? The things that I use as an excuse for giving up what I want. For me, it’s never been a matter of not knowing what I want — instead, it’s been a situation of putting things on the proverbial back burner until they boil over and evaporate till they no longer exist.

I’d trade everything I have for what I really want. So why the hell haven’t I, and why not start now?

And not even just for the usual reasons, but for having the audacity to have ABC not show “Grey’s Anatomy” so that his dippity dumb ass can address the nation with his usual incoherence. Talk about giving up McDreamy for McDipshit. Haven’t I already had a frustrating enough day?

Not like there is any semblance of order or stability to my life, but I just got a potentially life-altering idea. An idea that I think is a brilliant one but has significant and potentially terrible implications, especially if said Grand Idea should backfire. If it works — and to say it’s a LONG SHOT is an understatement — I would have many more positives, but also more negatives, to juggle.

But what will I be thinking in a year from now if I’d never taken the risks required to know the outcome, either way? Is it worth the risk to exchange “pretty good” when you don’t know what you could be exchanging it for?

Lord, the battle plans that everything involves. Is it me or is every friggin’ step you take actually the result of exhaustive tactical warfare in your own mind?

Editor’s note: This is the third installment of an occasional series of stuff that’s clogging my mind and I don’t have the ability and/or the balls to direct it to its intended recipient. See here and here for other historical hysteria.

• There are times when you frustrate the living shit out of me. And the only thing that keeps me from bopping you upside the head every time you’ve gotten me completely mystified is the undeniable fact that there is something about you that intrigues me.
• Go. AWAY. Seriously, bye. Do I need to send an engraved thank fuck-you card?
• God, I wish I knew how to read you sometimes. I don’t know how to (re)act so I just don’t at all.
• The amount of time I spend thinking about you is unnatural.
• I suggest you go to the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office and secure “half-assed apology^TM” and “I’m sorry, BUT^TM” for your exclusive, repetitious use. Oh, heh, too late — you already did.
• You would have been so good to me. And I treated you like you didn’t even exist. I feel bad for anything I did (or, more likely, that I didn’t do) that hurt you. I feel even worse that I couldn’t feel anything for you, because I really wanted to.
• I don’t feel safe knowing you’re out there.
• You inspire me.
• I hate you for walking away from me. If you disagreed with the path I was on, for God’s sake, why didn’t you fight harder for me? You told the world you missed me but then you silently walked away from me when I approached you on the street. You taught me my trick of people who’ve exhausted me becoming dead to me. Because I know I’m dead to you. And the feeling is mutual … now. By the by, I’m so glad you’re back in the old hometown again after some time away while I have moved on and am not going back. You can have the memories, and believe me, I know you won’t forget a thing.
• I miss you.

That’s all for this installment. 😉 Thanks for listening.

I’ve always said that when I’m 34, that’s going to be my year. And as of a month from today, that’s two years away (*barf*), so I’d better get myself in gear for that wondrous time.

I am not one to read books or sites for dating and relating advice, but I couldn’t help it when I got my Comcast installed on Sunday and my home page miraculously showed me this article called “Too Busy to Date?” I couldn’t help but read it.

Don’t get me wrong — it’s pretty much up there with all the other crap at which I turn up my nose. But then again, when it ever came to prioritizing my life, it always went work, then friends, then nothing left over for me. And most recently, I phased out friends because “commuting to work” suddenly began to eat away at my time and thus my energy. And while I do love my job and all, it can’t be the only reason I get out of bed in the morning.

The article tells singletons to calculate how much time per week we would invest in a relationship, then use that same amount of time being hot to trot.

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As you know, I’m unearthing little notes I’ve written to myself throughout the years. (See here for an example.)

I came a cross a lot of stuff today that made me cry, some that made me laugh and even more that made me cringe. My favorite, though, was the alphabetical list of reasons I wrote declaring why I hate somene. Heh. It still holds true. 😉

But in any event, I found two Post-It Notes, undated, in the file cabinet I finally decided to throw over the balcony away. What a lucky person this was who never realized any of this. Hope he’s happy in his oblivion. I’ll never know if I was right to keep all of this to myself, but then again, I’m not a girl who gets her hopes up, so let’s write it off as better kept to myself.

In any event, though, I hope I can have these types of feelings again someday:

Is it strange that just an ordinary conversation between us occurs, and when we part — for hours upon hours afterward — suddenly I’m reliving every moment like Diane Lane while she was on the train in “Unfaithful”? During the nights after I run into him, no many hours have passed, I can’t sleep — aside from mentally imprinting every detail he’d seen fit to give me about himself and those that I’d picked up on my own, my mind is filled with a thousand things I didn’t say and don’t know if I ever could.

Damn. Who needed drugs and alcohol when such a high came free?

The other note reads:

I can work myself into such a frothy fit about so many pain-inducing things, but just a random glance or smile from him stops all of that in its tracks. He can ask me how I am, and no matter what had been plaguing me previously, it just melts away. And I can say, in all honesty, that everything really is fine.

Do you ever stop and wonder if anyone ever felt this way toward you? What would you have done? Would you have been like me and laughed and told them to get serious? Would you have just assumed they were joking because things like that just don’t happen to you? Would the intended recipient of this torrent have done exactly that?

If not for this time of year, I have no clue when Easter Catholics like me would ever get to church. 😉

I went to awesome services last night to support a dear person, and my joke is that by going to church, I’m saved for at least another year. *whew*

I was kind of scared when the lights were turned off and the exits were blocked before the service began. Heh — did they know I was poised to bolt? Actually, it wasn’t so much the fear of the church collapsing because I’d dared enter it, but rather that I was in the second row — holy crap (whoops!), I’ve never sat in anything but the back row like a bad kid! LOL — there was a point to it, and besides, it gave me a chance to admire the stained glass that was illuminated during our sunset services.

Masses of white calla lilies surrounded the altar. Absolutely gorgeous — I love calla lilies. Unfortunately, as my throat closed up almost immediately, the beauty turned into a Benadryl moment. My eyes watered throughout the service — I think others thought I was simply moved. Which I was, but I wanted to move to a drugstore and get some allergy medication but, alas, the exits were as blocked as my windpipe!

At least it wasn’t an allegic reaction to the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. 😉

I admit I’m not overly knowledgeable in all things spiritual. Read the rest of this entry »