Karma train

I have always been a believer of divine intervention/retribution, of the score being evened in the end. And as people and things are testing my patience in ways that I can only describe as “abominable,” I struggle to maintain my inner zen.

Some days, it’s like the inner goddess, inner child, inner bitch and inner peace are fighting the mental equivalent of the Iraq war within my being. But the bottom line is that I am a patient, patient person — to my own detriment, at times, but to quote Richie Sambora’s song “Ballad of Youth”: “Everybody rides on the karma train.”

Before I launch into today’s tirade, here’s the song:


Meaning, that cosmic Greyhound bus might seem like it’s running on a delay, but it will find its intended targets. Just because we ourselves are tormented mercilessly by dipshits, dumbasses and dildoes (oh, my!), doesn’t mean we should exact an eye for an eye. We must live to set the example for others — we must overcome all of these challenges in order to achieve our own utopia.

Said utopia always seems like it’s within reach; then again, it’s usually nowhere close. Just when yout think you can breathe a sigh of relief, something pops up to stab you in the heart. And it’s not successive events, either. It seems like you’re a sideshow juggling act — here’s a ball. Good, now here’s a knife. Here’s a plate. Here’s a chainsaw. Now tap dance, clown!

And we do. God damn it, we’re going to prove to ourselves that nothing is going to get us down. We’ve all learned that when we let things slide, they just pile up, up, up until we’re defeated before we even get started. If you can, sometimes you just have to insert another quarter in the machine — wipe the slate clean and start over from wherever you are. And let nature take its course with everything else.

All you can do is make your general wishes and send them out into the universe. I keep in mind the theme of the “Unanswered Prayers” song — that the greatest gifts could be the ones you never saw coming. I still believe the best is yet to come. It has to. And I refuse to be too distracted and preoccupied with useless endeavors when it comes along. Bullies and demons be damned — angels shall reveal themselves, and it’s up to us to conserve our energy to help them to enter our realm.

What gets (and keeps) me motivated is the prospect of waiting for karma to work its magic for those of us who struggle so hard to be true to ourselves to get the opportunity to be ourselves without fear, shame, unemployment, homelessness or other repercussions that will undo us. While we can’t induce it ourselves, we can still dream of karma ponying up a big case of dysentery into the lives of those things and people who’ve scarred us immeasurably.

I don’t want to dole out the punishment or even make suggestions for it — I can only control my own behavior, and I do just that. I just want to know that the score will not only be evened, but also that we’ll come out on top of anyone whose definition of empowerment is taking the power away from others. May they feel the imprint of our footsteps on their foreheads as we ascend in the karmic realm and they suffer the fate they’ve reaped. And they best not take credit for making us stronger. We got stronger on our own. They only earned us a free pass into the promised land.

I trust the gods and goddesses. I know they will come through. I might doubt sometimes that they will guide me to my own destiny — I try to follow my inner light, although sometimes it goes dark and maybe that’s because I allow it to. Right now, I have the vision of what I want, of where I think I need to end up. And I’m ambling through the here and now, wondering if it’s all going to turn out as I want it to or whether I’m wasting my time. I wonder if I change my course, will I be led back to where I want to be or if I will give up an opportunity that doesn’t exist yet but that I pray is uncovered, hopefully sooner rather than later.

But I know there are no guarantees. If I could glimpse the future and be assured that it will happen that way, that’s all well and good, but I can’t buy insurance on a dream. Who do you sue for breach of contract if those dreams die or morph into something unrecognizable? Who am I to say, “I want THAT!” and expect the gods and goddesses to say, “Blessed be”?

I’ve had visions — more than I can count. Many have come to pass. Some are still either waiting to happen or they’ve evaporated because my life has changed direction repeatedly. Or maybe they’ll still find me. What I do is pour those into my personal writings, in the hopes that art will precede life.

The reason it’s hard for me to share what I write (in the fictional realm) is that it’s like being stripped of my shield. I had someone at work offer very generously to read a novel I’ve been working on, that maybe he could help me with some parts where I was struggling. I was grateful, but terrified. I’ve had too many people get to know me so intimately, and they tried their best to use that against me.

Unless I have an even exchange of deep, dark secrets, I don’t feel I can open myself up completely. And to show them my heart’s blueprint for my life — I mean, wow. That’s huge. I can barely admit to myself that those things are what I want. The reason I can’t write them fully is because I don’t have them yet. I’m trying to write a story that hasn’t happened yet, and I don’t know that I’ll be OK if it doesn’t, at least in some incarnation.

I worry about outlining the things I want. I know to be happy with the great things the fates do and will bring.

Then again, how will I move forward without defined (albeit flexible) goals? If I want the love of my life, is it wrong to have a picture of that person in my mind? To picture being with that potential love of my life and perhaps caring for a child in a house we love and in a lifestyle that accommodates us comfortably? Can’t I picture traveling with this person, both abroad and through life’s little situations?

Am I tempting fate by saying I sorta-kinda-maybe think I’ve just met someone who makes me want to dream of all these things, and to imagine a life without said individual is enough to make me want to pack up my life and move it somewhere else so I don’t have to face yet another dream that didn’t come to fruition?

Then again, if I could just get a sign — just something, anything, to reassure me — that I’m not dreaming in vain, I’d be OK. Well, I say that now. But what if I got the sign to tell me it ain’t gonna happen, like so many other things didn’t? Would I listen? What would I do? Would I give up that dream? Or would I say the hell with it, I’m going to chase it anyway?

I’ve made few decisions I regret. Some of them even have names and versions (2.0 and up). Whether they were thought-out or impulsive, they were the things I did and that’s the end of it.

Everything has brought me to where I stand today. I’m just getting a little impatient, waiting for the so-called “next phase” of my life to begin. I want to live every moment, and not just be waiting all the time, like I seem to be doing right now. I thought I should stand still and let opportunity find me, but you know what? I’m going to kick some ass like I always used to do, and if opportunity catches up with me, then it’s worthy of me and not just me worthy of it

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