Caterwauling

View of Singer Island

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Fell in love with two new apartments yesterday. Both are WAY more than I want to pay, but still less than what I AM paying.

Took the Houseguest to see them afterward. She’s “meh” on everything. She says to take time and really look around and think about it.

This is the view from one of the apartments. Lovely, yes?

I’m exhausted. I’m dying. I gave up two freelance jobs. I’m falling down on the job on the last one standing. I’m working my ass off at the full-time job and not getting very far.

The money savings may not be significant (ergo, she’s right, why move?). But to shave something, ANYTHING off that commute? Would save my life.

I’m so stressed out, I’ve tapped into the Freezer Klonopin. I have a bottle I shoved in there from my old Evil Empire days. Haven’t needed them for a year. Now after two solid days of chest pains, well, yeah. Old Klonopin is better than none at all.

Oh, did I mention I have to give notice to my apartment complex on Monday whether I intend to stay?

I hate moving. I hate dragging someone around town who doesn’t want to go. I hate only saving maybe $200 a month after all the aggravation.

But I also hate coming home late every night, falling asleep on the couch, waking up in a PANIC because I didn’t do my freelance work, scrambling to DO said freelance work, and then getting to the real job late. (As if arriving at 8:15 after an hour-long drive should ever be considered late.)

Something’s got to give. And at this rate, it’s going to be me…

I could/should have written this blog entry, instead of spinning my wheels, damn near cracking under pressure, escaping into my pretend world where none of the stress exists and otherwise avoiding everybody. Yes, you. And you, too. I’ve been running from you. And I don’t know how to find my way back…

What Happens When You Stop Running?

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Well, love, it’s been yet another year that we either haven’t met or I just haven’t figured out who you are.

New Year’s was lovely; the only thing missing was you, as it is every year. The only men at the party were married with kids … lots of hollering, energetic, hyped-up-on-sugar kids.

Each time one got injured (and there were quite a few incidents), I was magnetically drawn back to the liquor stash. When I ran out of wine, I switched to the Black Label. Oddly, I wasn’t drunk — of course, that’s because the hostess put out a feast. And one of the guests made vegan everything. Which, um, yeah. But it was tasty. Hey, I started the new year off healthily, more or less, right?

You were part of my evening, as you always are, even though you have no idea you were “there.”

I took a minute, as I always do, to slip away from the crowd and gaze at the moon and wonder what you were doing at that very moment. I wondered whether you felt my absence the same way I felt yours.

You’ll be here when the time is right, I know it. But that won’t stop me from asking the universe to put a rush order on you so we have all the time together we can.

Until then, we know I’m not the biggest fan of kids (especially not as the only unmarried and kid-free adult at a New Year’s party), but I wondered whether you like and want kids. And whether you would be enough to change my mind on the subject.

A beautiful little girl named Robin, maybe age 3 or 4, introduced herself to me. That’s my mom’s name. She was in a cute pink halter dress and kept pulling it up over her head and showing her matching underwear. Just like my own mother, probably. 🙂

I have to tell you, Soulmate, I figured I’d want a boy if I ever got hijacked into wanting to have a kid. But damn, she was cute. And if you’re anything like my grandfather (I hope you are — the best man, father and grandfather who was ever put upon this earth), a girl would be lucky to have a daddy like you.

I tried not to wonder whether you were kissing anyone at midnight. I was in the car with my friend and her two adorable boys, as we celebrated “false midnight” at 11. And I wondered whether you were aware enough of my own absence in your life to feel that same twinge of “Where is she right now?”

I’m happy with how my year started off. I just hope that maybe, finally, possibly, I’ll get to spend this coming New Year’s Eve with you. And as many of the days, weeks and months until then that the universe allows us to have together.

This is our year. I feel it. I know you do too.

Yours forever when you find me (please find me soon),

Goddess

Brownie and me

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Let me preface this entry by saying that I haven’t seen my favorite guy in a week, and I’ve managed to question everything. Because, that’s what I do. And to say I’m frustrated is a bit of an understatement at this point, not with him but with my inability to just BE already.

So right now, I am dog-sitting this lovable pup. She barks a lot, although not as much as most dogs, and she drives the cat crazy. Which drives my mom crazy. And when Princess is crazy, I’M crazy.

I got invitations for New Year’s Eve and Day, which was awesome. (Not from the guy … you see why I’ve gone all paranoid, yes?) But I always have to build in time for Princess, so I will probably say no to something.

Of course, I got the guilt trip that “We need to go out Friday night because you have plans the rest of the weekend, and I don’t get out of the house unless you take me, and you’re always busy and you don’t ever have any time to look at me, and if I lose out on Friday I will be stuck in the house for a whole ‘nother week WITHOUT ANY FOOD.”

Hand to God on everything I ever say that comes out of her mouth!

So I thought my friend was picking up the dog today. But we’ll have another day together as far as I know. Which drives my mom crazier still, how WE DON’T PLAN SHIT.

You know what … friends help each other. This friend is off having a wonderful adventure. And I know she would be the very first one to come look in on my mom when I get a hot date who whisks me out of town.

So, the problem is WHAT exactly here?

I know mom is sick, and some days are worse than others. Today is a “worse” day. I don’t begrudge her being sick. What I do begrudge is coming home to this barrel of sunshine who’s resentful toward me because of ALL I PUT HER THROUGH.

You know, the dog (or any pet I’ve ever brought in here because I happen to like having the extra critters in the house) DIDN’T MOVE IN HERE FIVE YEARS AGO AND STAY RENT-FUCKING-FREE EVER SINCE.

Just sayin’.

So, I love my apartment and we know I have to give it up soon. It kills me … five years ago I had the cutest apartment in Maryland that I had JUST MOVED INTO. Then I inherited mom and had to take a way-less-cute place so I could accommodate her.

And it feels like history repeating, you know? To keep affording this home life that brings me so little joy anymore, I have to give up my private beach and my Intracoastal Waterway DIRECTLY UNDER MY BALCONY so I can support us better.

It’s necessary, but it’s heartbreaking all over again. I know a couple of guys who have downgraded to cheaper places recently so they can save up for retirement, for an engagement ring, for a life with someone special.

Now THAT’S a reason to move. Not … this.

But I need to find my grace and suck it up. Even though I know she’s going to BITCH AND MOAN the whole time that I am inconveniencing her and taking her out of her comfort zone.

Speaking of where I came from, I’m feeling hella homesick lately. For Virginia, mostly, and the people I knew there. Mostly for the life I should have built while I was there … before the workaholism set in and I destroyed through neglect every friendship, relationship and anything that could have been a potential SOMETHING.

I had lunch with a gal at work yesterday. She’s a couple of years older than me and was asking my experience with dating sites. I said I always get lots of replies but I never write back to them. Usually they figure they won’t get a response so they don’t bother being clever, and I don’t care to talk to someone who doesn’t take the time to BE clever.

And besides, after the rejection I’ve faced over coming with my own personalized baggage named Mom — or, hell, maybe I was the one who pushed them away first — I don’t really put myself out there anymore. And I haven’t in a very long time.

Which is why it’s easy to be coy and cautious with the new guy. I FORGET HOW TO DO THIS, PEOPLE!!!

She said, well, don’t you want the happily ever after? I said I would be happy with some good dates that lead to a functional relationship. I can’t even think about the kids and the ring and the what-the-fuck-ever that she was alluding to.

It’s sad how many dates and dreams and outings and such that I’ve felt compelled to give up. Not that I was ever really swimming with them in the first place.

And not that she’d WANT me to give up a chance for love and happiness — she’s not like that at all. But … the fact that she “reserves” me — which I HATE — pretty much reminds me that I will pay for it one way or another if I dare to do something else. And don’t even THINK I do anything by myself. That, she just finds insulting.

God, I hate myself for complaining so much. My date Sam Adams is loosening up my tongue (er, typing fingers) a little more than I anticipated. 😉

Oh well, I keep praying for success at work. And when my friend re-enters the picture (and he will. I am NOT letting go of the one thing that has made me so happy these last three weeks), I have a lot to look forward to.

And somehow, it will make everything else OK, like nothing else has or ever could. …

My balcony *aaahhhh*

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Ever burn the candle at both ends and end up with your ass on fire? That’s about the status quo here these days. Goddess is burned out.

It’s been a mostly quiet week. I got the notice that the market rent on this dump is going up into the two grand area. *hahahahahaaa* So, it’s time to move somewhere I’ll love less but that I can afford.

The person I abhor second-most in this world tried to contact me yesterday. Until there is a check (for two grand-ish — hey, I know .. that’s RENT!) and a BIG FAT APOLOGY coming my way, that person can lose my number. Or at least be standing in the street when the Karma bus loses its brakes.

I told my mom the other day that I want to be a DINK — Double Income, No Kids. She said, “Well, you have two jobs — you got your wish!” Grrrrrr. How about me not being the only asshole who works and drives and works and drives and volunteers and is BURNED RIGHT THE FUCK OUT?

I cannot sustain this pace. And by saying that, it almost sounds like I’m actually keeping up.

Not so much.

I’m doggie-sitting right now and playing referee between her and my very annoyed cat. But at least that’s fun, you know? My eyes aren’t burned-out sunken holes in my skull from staring at a computer, trying to make sense of stuff that takes forever to make sense to me.

I often wonder why I stay in my field when I find it so boring, most days. It’s the people, I guess. It always has been.

Oh, hey, the dog is eating the cat’s food. And another day begins…

Christmas services 2011

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

What a wonderful Christmas Eve. Unexpectedly, I got to spend it with a dear friend. That’s what Christmas is all about, yo.

I’ll spare you all the subsequent exchanges with the Houseguest since coming home, because I have a Christmas story that is far more important to share.

So, I was out picking up a couple of little items for said houseguest. And waiting in line, because it is Christmas Eve and all.

The woman behind me saw the three tiny items in my hand and asked if I were finishing up my shopping. “I never started,” I said.

She had two beautiful little candle holders in her hand. I inquired whether she were finishing up her shopping. She said she was, and added that I’m smart to not do gifts — it’s too easy to go overboard.

But, she wanted to know, “Did you buy something for yourself? Because you simply must do something special for you.”

I said that, well, I’ve only just started a new job, so it’s a low-key holiday. I said I was freelancing, and it was OK but it wasn’t always easy making ends meet. Besides, I really don’t need anything right now — I made it through the year and that’s a blessing, in and of itself.

She asked about the new job, whether it’s in my field and how I got it. I said yes, it’s in my field, and it’s the damndest thing — they found ME, not the other way around.

She remarked about one of the items in my hand, and I said it was for my mom. I lightly explained the whole “lives with me” thing. (And spared her the rest.) Her eyes filled with tears and she said she lost her mom last week. She was 90, and lived a great life. But still…

I said I understand. And I was compelled to reach out and hug her. She gladly took the hug and squeezed back tightly.

We kept talking; she wanted to know about my mom. I said she’s 54, poor health, dependent … that sort of thing. She said she’s only a couple years older and that’s just crazy. Does she sit in the house or does she get out? I said yes to the former; she needs me for everything.

And she said mom needs to do some volunteer work — she needs a social outlet other than me and she’s sure I need my space.

God bless this woman. But wait, there’s more.

I got to the cashier, and she said she was going to pay for my items. I said that was lovely to offer, but I was good. She said, no, she really wanted to give me a little Christmas lift.

The candleholders, she finally told me, were for her mom’s house. (They were absolutely beautiful, by the way.) She said the house still smells like her mom and she’s going to burn some candles to try to temper it a bit. It’s too hard to walk in there every day and feel like her mom is still there because her scent is everywhere.

I had found out her name is Pat. When we got outside, she asked my name. And I thanked her for being my angel this Christmas. We wished each other Merry Christmas, and she said to buy myself something special when I can. And that was that.

Wherever you are, Pat, I wish you love and strength and light. I needed to run into you when I did — I truly am at my wits’ end with my own mother. You let me see that it’s that easy to lose her, but that it’s also perfectly normal to be cranky about the whole situation, too.

God put you in my path today. And I’m grateful to Him that magic seems to follow me wherever I go. Thanks to you both for this brief exchange that will stay in my heart for a lifetime.

Cookay

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

The highlight of today was a yummy salad I made for lunch in the employee cafeteria. I’m gonna watch me some “Charlie Brown Christmas” shortly and then start in on the second shift, and that will be that.

Mom had wanted to take a walk tonight. I just laughed. Sure, I guess I could give up Charlie Brown, but when do I ever have time to do anything on a weekday anymore?

I was kind of musing about my little half-crush that I entertain to keep myself motivated. And I thought, hah, when would THAT take place? I mean, really. Something would have to give. But … what?

I’d feel better if I felt I were achieving anything at the daytime gig. I think things will perk up after the Christmas party this weekend — it will be good to get out of my cubicle and actually interact with people. Lord, please help me turn on the charm and let me shine. Because if my fate were to be decided on achievements alone at this point, I don’t know that I’d make the cut.

Of course, I know I’ve got it good. Just scrolling through Facebook and seeing this person laid off (by the same damn company that tossed me on MY ass at this time last year), that person’s house being broken into and their Christmas decorations/presents being stolen, the first person’s wife finding out she’s pregnant when her husband is out of work, and everything else makes me VERY happy to be me right now.

I think my problem is (and has always been) feeling like I’m just not enough. I don’t want to say “not good enough,” because I am that AND smart enough. 😉 But … just not what people want/need/expect.

Frequently, I have to remind myself that God made me the way I am. I can only work with what He gave me. I can develop it or I can live with it or I can overcome it. But good, bad or indifferent, it’s mine. And I need to quit kicking the crap out of myself psychologically when I just can’t be or do or learn quickly enough the rest.

What I wouldn’t give to A) have more than five hours to sleep a night and B) to not worry for at least two of them. Perhaps my performance during the other 19 hours would be a little more spectacular or, at least, inspired.

It’s beginning to look a lot like…

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

(H/T to Brad Paisley for that title. It’s like he KNOWS me or something.)

When I take 2011 out behind the woodshed and shoot the pathetic bastard, it will be after I hogtie his ass and roast him over an open flame while he begs for the mercy he didn’t do such a good job of showing me.

This was the year I got off the antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds that I started taking over two years ago. It is also the year of the highest highs and lowest lows. I’m like the fucking stock market here.

You want to know where the world indices are heading on a given day? CALL ME and find out my mood. I am my own technical indicator!

Today is all about rage. It is what I determined to be my one day off this week, and EVERYTHING I TRIED turned to shit. So much for relaxation.

I have this one job that I’ve quit now four times. I can only give it maybe two hours a week, but then they didn’t use the work I turned in this week. The hell? I lost sleep over this?!?!

I’m still pretty fucking angry at the people who owe me well over two grand that I was supposed to get on Sept. 15. Seriously, I have stopped bugging them in the last couple of weeks because I am SICK OF THE EXCUSES AND LIES. Don’t insult my (dwindling) intelligence.

It’s not that friends and money don’t mix, but FRIENDS WHO DON’T PAY THEIR FRIENDS THE MONEY THEY OWE THEM FOR SERVICES RENDERED that should be avoided at all costs. Live and learn.

I miss the place where this photo was taken. As I contemplate where to move next, I know the destination would be further away. I dunno. I guess I am craving familiarity right now. Even if what (little) is familiar is also contributing to my discontent.

Or maybe it’s that everything is deja vu. A good friend called last night as I was getting into my car, and it was wonderful to have company on the long drive home.

She pointed out the obvious, that ever since she’s known me (since the day I first set foot in Florida), I’ve been under IMMENSE stress and pressure. She said between the job(s) and the mom and the apartments and the yahoos who don’t pay and cause me financial grief, I’ve never actually had much in the way of peace of mind. That my so-called “break” between jobs was just as stressful as any workplace I’d been in up until that time.

This is why it’s good to have friends. And why I should call (or pick up the phone for) them way more often.

I don’t know what I’m doing, where I’m going or what what I even WANT to be doing. All I can do is trust in the fact that God is with me and even though I fail myself on every level possible, He can’t let me be a hot Southern mess forever. (Can He? …)

CityPlace Snowfall 2011

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

“You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast.”

— Trace Adkins, “You’re Gonna Miss This”

I had my perspective rattled a bit this week. I was working hard at my new job and heard through the grapevine that the side job is covering its bases for when (not if) they think I’m going to either flake out or give up or whatever.

And that killed me. Because yes, I’m a little stressed and overwhelmed right now. But that was the one company that thought (and treated me like) I walked on water.

I’m so bogged down in everything that’s going wrong right now … or, at least, in what’s just not going my way.

The problem is always perspective. And today I need to turn the challenges into opportunities.

One, the commute to the new job is fine, if not a little long. (And my guardian angels have to be on hyper-alert with all these crazy Floridians on the roads!)

But I am grateful that my little rattling deathtrap gets me there safely. And that I have a destination to go to that offers a paycheck in exchange for my time and efforts.

I struggle, too, with how much I have on my little plate. But what do I do when I’m not engaging my brain? Usually surfing the iPad while the TV drones in the background. Which is my little happy place right now. Although it’s not enough.

So I mentioned that there may or may not be a boy. And a part of me just wants to know, you know? Is this something that might have a prayer of unfolding or should I just get it out of my head before it takes root?

But this … this is where I appreciate the universe taking its time. Maybe I don’t want to know the outcome just yet. Sure, I hope it’s favorable. And maybe it actually will be. However, the “not knowing” is at least keeping my brain engaged and not letting me get lost in everything else that is or isn’t going on.

I guess I get into the Billy Crystal mode in “When Harry Met Sally” when he says that when you find the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, you want forever to start right away. But I ain’t asking for forever here. A date would be good.

I say all of this to say that at least there is the possibility of something, right? Even if it ends up like all the others. (God I hope it doesn’t end up like all the others.)

Today is the fifth anniversary that my grandfather left this earth. And I’ve changed so much. I spend probably the first four years after he left just begging God to get me through this phase (where Mom moved in) … just get me to the part where she’s independent and moves out.

Well … we haven’t quite gotten to that phase yet. So in the last year, I’ve accepted that at least I have my mom. She’s still on this earth. She’s my No. 1 fan and loves me like none other.

In other words, all the time I spent begging, pleading and negotiating with God to make time go quickly until things go my way … well .. was pointless.

They haven’t gone my way. Lord only knows if they ever will. But I spent a lot of time being miserable when I could have instead found ways to be happy.

I often crab about being new at my job … that I just want to learn this stuff already so that I can make a difference and move up in the company.

I just have to remember that I have my health, I have my mind, I have my experience and I have a voice that I should use a little more often.

In other words, it’s all on me. I’m sick to everloving death of the pressure — everything is life-or-death — but I am grateful that I have the opportunity to choose “life” … and pursue it with all I’ve got.

Apparently the pot o’ gold is next-door

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I know I’ve only been at my new gig for two weeks, but I’m sick of being new. I’m ready to shine. I accept that now.

But how?

Mom pointed out to me that they hired me partly based on who I can be, but probably mostly based on who I was. And we all know that riding on one’s prior successes is a short-lived ride.

I need to top myself somehow.

But, again, how?

I’m starting to form a plan. I’ll get back to you on whether it works.

I thought I could be average for a while. Yeah, “average” doesn’t agree with me. And I’m dangerously close to falling — and staying — in that trap.

And being comfortable was never my style, as though “gnawing at your leg that’s caught in a set of steel jaws to break free” indicates “comfort” in any way.

Lord, give me strength. And world, look out.

And frankly, I think it’s high time to manifest, if not a soulmate, then at least someone I can like. Oddly enough, I think I did that anyway without even trying. Time will tell, but my mind is suddenly wandering to a specific place.

If I were the Goddess of any other year, I would say hell no — focus on work. But today’s Goddess says that being well-rounded doesn’t apply just to one’s pudgy pork roast ass.

Yeah, I’m definitely up to something. A few things. 😉

Who says you can’t have it all or, at least, try like hell and see what happens?