These are the good old days

CityPlace Snowfall 2011

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

“You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast.”

— Trace Adkins, “You’re Gonna Miss This”

I had my perspective rattled a bit this week. I was working hard at my new job and heard through the grapevine that the side job is covering its bases for when (not if) they think I’m going to either flake out or give up or whatever.

And that killed me. Because yes, I’m a little stressed and overwhelmed right now. But that was the one company that thought (and treated me like) I walked on water.

I’m so bogged down in everything that’s going wrong right now … or, at least, in what’s just not going my way.

The problem is always perspective. And today I need to turn the challenges into opportunities.

One, the commute to the new job is fine, if not a little long. (And my guardian angels have to be on hyper-alert with all these crazy Floridians on the roads!)

But I am grateful that my little rattling deathtrap gets me there safely. And that I have a destination to go to that offers a paycheck in exchange for my time and efforts.

I struggle, too, with how much I have on my little plate. But what do I do when I’m not engaging my brain? Usually surfing the iPad while the TV drones in the background. Which is my little happy place right now. Although it’s not enough.

So I mentioned that there may or may not be a boy. And a part of me just wants to know, you know? Is this something that might have a prayer of unfolding or should I just get it out of my head before it takes root?

But this … this is where I appreciate the universe taking its time. Maybe I don’t want to know the outcome just yet. Sure, I hope it’s favorable. And maybe it actually will be. However, the “not knowing” is at least keeping my brain engaged and not letting me get lost in everything else that is or isn’t going on.

I guess I get into the Billy Crystal mode in “When Harry Met Sally” when he says that when you find the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, you want forever to start right away. But I ain’t asking for forever here. A date would be good.

I say all of this to say that at least there is the possibility of something, right? Even if it ends up like all the others. (God I hope it doesn’t end up like all the others.)

Today is the fifth anniversary that my grandfather left this earth. And I’ve changed so much. I spend probably the first four years after he left just begging God to get me through this phase (where Mom moved in) … just get me to the part where she’s independent and moves out.

Well … we haven’t quite gotten to that phase yet. So in the last year, I’ve accepted that at least I have my mom. She’s still on this earth. She’s my No. 1 fan and loves me like none other.

In other words, all the time I spent begging, pleading and negotiating with God to make time go quickly until things go my way … well .. was pointless.

They haven’t gone my way. Lord only knows if they ever will. But I spent a lot of time being miserable when I could have instead found ways to be happy.

I often crab about being new at my job … that I just want to learn this stuff already so that I can make a difference and move up in the company.

I just have to remember that I have my health, I have my mind, I have my experience and I have a voice that I should use a little more often.

In other words, it’s all on me. I’m sick to everloving death of the pressure — everything is life-or-death — but I am grateful that I have the opportunity to choose “life” … and pursue it with all I’ve got.

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