Mom made this for my front door at my old apartment. She’s so damn artsy, she did the whole thing with posterboard and a pair of scissors. (Garfield is my FAVORITE!) I don’t have him anymore — my weird next-door neighbor took him when I moved. But this brought back fun memories:
Virginia drivers are, by definition, maniacal, but dump half a foot of snow on the ground, and they calm the fuck down. Thank goodness.
However, I had a miserable drive to work today. I got stuck behind a caravan of scaredy-cats on Edsall Road (I’m a Pennsylvania native — I need two more feet of snow and a sheet of ice before I panic), and the right-hand lane was completely empty, so I started to speed over. But, there was some ASSHOLE who was sitting in my BLIND SPOT as my caravan traveled its whopping 15 mph, and I almost killed us both. I was furious. I stayed where I was, and he dropped back a few yards, but I just made a fast left onto Yoakum Parkway when I had the chance, and I got the hell away from that herd-o-cattle. Argh.
On the bright side, Virginia snow is so much purer and cleaner than Pittsburgh snow. It was nice to clean white snow off the car instead of gray. 🙂
In better news, Shan and I are up to something. I am not going to give any more details than that at this time, but by the end of this year, I think we will have really accomplished a major career milestone. Stay tuned, ’cause we’re going to turn the world on its ass … a little sooner than we’d believed. … 🙂
One thing I CAN say, though, is that my tree is up and decorated!!! I even have my little fiber-optic tree in my office, so I’m heading toward getting out of my grinchy mood. Photos are coming soon!
Well, I have exactly eight bucks to my name, but it’s a Bennigan’s night, I can safely say. Hopefully Renee will give us our usual deep discount, because some drinky-drinky is absolutely in order. 🙂
The new Planned Parenthood holiday card is earning attention on blogs everywhere. Jesus Christ, people, it’s a fucking card. Get a hobby. “Choice on Earth” is not a bad thing. It IS still America, isn’t it?
1. Tree is up (no lights/decorations yet, though).
2. Got seven inches today, although it’s on the ground and not in my crotch. (snow, you fools!)
3. Watching Jerry Springer right now; it’s most amusing.
4. Have had a morning filled with IM convos — it’s been most amusing to catch up with everyone.
5. Trying to figure out whether to use RK as a sex toy or actually keep him as “just a friend.” I need sex so badly I can just scream!!!
6. Am intrigued by my “intrigued reader.” I hope for more visits from my new friend. 🙂
Spent the day alone. Loved it. Needed it. Need more of it.
Mom told me today that for as miserable as I was in Pittsburgh at my horrible last job there, I was a thousand times happier than I am here in Alexandria, Va. She said I sound older, seem worn-out and depressed, and can’t paste a true smile on my face to save my life. Funny how “my life before” would have been less taxing on my emotions, but even though I was pissed when she said it, I see her point. In a big way.
But could I even go back to Pgh at this point? Would I get the same salary and level of responsibility that I had when I left? Hell no. While I might’ve felt I was dying on the vine up there, I’ve brought that vine down here and have essentially hanged myself with it. I’m behind by 1 car insurance installment, 2 car payments and 3 student loan payments (or is it 4?), with no bloody way of ever catching up. I miss my old apartment. I miss dating dozens of people. I miss having money to burn to compensate for my depression.
I was really liking it here, or so I thought. But my social life is not what it once was, and my finances, well, see above. And there is other stuff that I don’t put into this blog, not necessarily for fear of hurting anyone (some days, just ask me if I care), but it’s more so that I don’t air dirty laundry. I can rip someone to shreds in a sentence, but this is not the forum to do that, if ever it should be appropriate at all.
But I can’t go back. I can only go forward. Not sure where I am going to get the gumption to do so, but once my damn period ends, perhaps I will regain my humanity and get my life back together. 🙂
On a strange note, I heard from F/OM, my old boss, today. I love him. I really do. He was tough as nails on me, but I know he loved me right back, ’cause I didn’t take his shit — and most of that shit came from HIS boss, HRP, anyway. He was just the sieve. At any rate, a few things he said inspired me to write a LONG e-mail response about what is REALLY happening in my life. I held little back. Told him about Shan, IKEA Boy, RK, my own adventures with sexual liberation, etc. — perhaps it was TMI, but the boy’s got a sense of humor, and I’m sure he knew all about me, anyway. 🙂 I’m in his club. Also, I complained about the assholes who run the Veggie Patch — F/OM is furious on my behalf that I am making peanuts and am made to feel (by everyone other than my boss) like I am worthless to them. He is smoking about that — he keeps encouraging me to fight for myself, to not let them get away with not paying me what I am worth (although, arguably, I am worth more than any stupid company can ever pay me). That makes me very happy, because I busted my ass when I worked for him, and he knows the wonderful things of which I am capable.
I’d once joked with Susan that F/OM (who is now HER supervisor) and I should get together and produce a kid. She had said that such a kid would be a fabulous specimen of humanity, given his smarts and my, well, je ne sais quoi. LOL. I think the kid would be too brilliant and talented to even BE human, but it’s an interesting idea, to mesh our gene pools. 🙂 How much does that in vitro stuff cost? hee hee. If I have a kid, it has to be a genetic masterpiece, and I think having F/OM for its daddy (and Jay as its stepparent) would ensure that fact. :0)
And one last thought about Brat, as I wrote about him today … my heart is absolutely going to break when/if I ever learn that he’s in a relationship or that he’s proposed to someone other than me. I know it’s inevitable, but it just occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t so special to him. And that wounds me more than anything on earth.
Drinking coffee, chainsmoking and pondering the whole RK saga. Ergh.
Have chatted numerous times via IM during the past few weeks. Had a particularly racy convo yesterday, and started having another sultry one today. I kinda turned that around, and I’ve noticed that when the conversation moves from the subject of sex, discussion stagnates. Interestingly, he’d sent me the directions to his place and his address, and I signed off yesterday with taunting him by saying that I was on my way and that I’d see him at his house when he got home from work. hee hee. Naturally, I went to the gym and hung out with Shan and opted not to go home, in favor of hanging out with IKEA Boy and Bryan instead, but it made me happy to be such a little cock-tease. (I’m still bitter about being a first-date fuck and not even a second date or a fucking follow-up phone call for like four months.)
He made a cute little comment that he was expecting to see me yesterday. lol. I said that I am not one to announce my visit but instead tend to show up randomly. Something I wanted to say was that, for as horny as I am, I am not overly interested in another random fuck with him, only for him to run screaming into the night again. I like him and think there could be something possible between us, but if we fuck around again the next time we see each other, after all this time, he’ll end up disappearing again — I know it. And while, granted, if these guys are dumb enough to let me go, it’s their loss, but I don’t want to walk into this with the expectation of doom, particularly when I swear I saw something special in him.
As an aside, I guess I can admit that I have been FLOODED with thoughts of Brat. Motherfuck him. His sister recently had a little boy, and it’s all I can do to restrain myself from dropping him a note of congratulations on being an uncle. The thing is with him, I know he would appreciate such a gesture. He is the type who loves it when someone takes time out of their schedule to acknowledge him — positive attention always brings a dimpled smile to his face. Related, a part of me will always wonder if I were one of those girls he never dreamed he would “get,” and then when he knew he had me, he couldn’t handle it. Shit, even one of his best friends wanted me, but he’s the one who won. But then he did nothing to keep me around. And I never gave up on him. Even now, I still wonder when/if he will ever get the cajones to try to sweep me off my feet again. I KNOW he was flattered by my attention and affection, and if he could just for once play his cards right, he might find it there again.
And THAT’s why I don’t feel like chasing after RK. I have guided too many relationships into disaster, especially when I’m the one who has to make out the first/next move. I have become a big believer in letting the guy come to me instead and subsequently make the second, third and fourth moves. Unfortunately, I am so friggin’ impatient. The Dawn from a year ago would have blown off all of her commitments yesterday and been not only AT his house, but INSIDE his house, when he got home. I would’ve found a way (it’s not overly difficult to enter someone’s house, esp. if they don’t have a security system. lol).
At any rate, the convo is back up (he got called away from his desk at work). We’ll see how/where it goes. In the meantime, I got a response to my newest personal ad that I placed (yes, I have four ads out there) — I need to sit down and write a coherent response. Not sure if he’s a good match for me (our interests seem very different), but he saw my photos and didn’t head for the hills, so it’s worth a shot, right?
Damn it, I have GOT to get my stocking stuffed by Xmas. …
So, I found myself awake at 3 a.m. today, debating about whether to put up the tree or not. Fell asleep at 5 a.m. after deciding to not put up the damn thing, at least, not last night anyway. LOL.
The tree is tall, spiral and narrow, which means that I can actually fit it somewhere in this cramped apartment. I think I need to put it up, to give myself some fucking Xmas cheer, but the whole fun, for me, of having a tree is to sleep in the living room, watching the twinkling blue-and-crystal lights. I don’t spend a whole lot of time outside of my room, though, so I’d probably never see the tree much.
I do have a tree skirt on layaway, though. It would be a shame to not use it — it totally matches the tree and my taste, as it’s shimmery cobalt blue and black. Hmm. I should rearrange my furniture and put the tree in my room. lol.
Actually, I need to send out Xmas cards. I’ve addressed most of them, and Wobin graciously bought me two books of stamps so that I can actually MAIL them this year. LOL. Now, I just have to write the damn things out. I’d thought it would be a cute idea to get my friends and I together in front of the tree and send out our “family portrait” in my cards, but who, outside of us, would appreciate that? Hmm. Maybe do the portrait anyway, just for us. Oh, who knows? I just hate the thought of packing all those damn fragile crystal ornaments. Argh.
Okay, readers (you, too, Maddie) — to decorate or not to decorate? Here’s a photo of the tree; and yes, that’s me, lookin’ stupid next to it. lol.
Still cracked out, but managed to sleep for a couple of hours. Up and drinking french vanilla coffee, brewed with a few dashes of cinnamon. Mmmm. Turned on the heating unit, finally, and am feeling toasty and happy. Today is an inspiring day in my life — could be the continuing, gentle roll, but whatever the source of my contentment, let me enjoy it before it evaporates this week. 🙂
The weekend was SO full of activity, but right now, I’ll just immortalize the bullets and probably elaborate on each of them during the coming week:
1. Bonded with IKEA Boy during the three-day adventure. We were not only finishing each other’s sentences, but voicing our identical thoughts in unison. Truly had a wonderful time, just wandering the highways, spending time with my family and friends, and eating lots of good food. We were overdue for some good one-on-one time, free of chaos and drama, and we returned with a new appreciation of our lives, Washington, D.C. (and its accompanying distance from our homeland), and our friendship.
2. Visited Susan. and brought birthday gifts for 3-year-old Courtney. Bryan was pleasant and present; IKEA Boy played with their dogs and was surprised and touched when Courtney came over to him to read her book to him. I also gave Courtney this beautiful (I think) dress that is black velvet on top with glittery purple stars, with a shimmery purple skirt. Wearing that dress, she looked like the little princess that I always envision her to be. I figure, it was a dress I would have bought for myself if it came in a size above a girls’ 6X, so I knew it would be perfect for her. 🙂
2. b. Saw Susan’s ultrasound pictures for Courtney and new baby Chloe, who is due March 17. It was so neat, seeing their little eyes and arms in the wispy shadows of the black-and-white film. I can’t wait to meet this new, perfect little creature. 🙂
3. Visited Kristin and drank amaretto sours till we were all nice and buzzed. I love Kristin and enjoyed our time together, but we wish she were happier with her life and herself, because she’s a beautiful person who deserves and wants a man in her life, but as she is missing that last crucial piece of the puzzle (and is approaching her 30th birthday to boot), she is visibly, palpably discontented. I absolutely feel what she’s feeling (she’s only a year older than me), but I also know that a life without a man, while it sucks, it ain’t so bad, except when all of your friends are getting laid and you’re NOT!!! But, like an old colleague used to say, “I’d rather be alone than wish I were.” We’ve all dated enough jackasses to last us a lifetime — we still have plenty of time to find that perfect jackass that we will eventually marry. lol.
4. Spent just the right amount of time with Mom and Grampy before needing to run screaming back to Alexandria to return to my “normal” life, but I still wish I could just pack them up and bring them with me so that I can be near them always. My family is tiny (just the three of us now), and there’s a certain amount of guilt that an only child who has flown the coop with jet fuel in her Sunfire has to bear for leaving her only family behind. They don’t try to give me guilt — that’s just part of the benefit package. (*Here, honey, have some turkey and a heaping helping of now-that-you’ve-left-me-there’s-nothing-left-for-me-to-live-for.*) I’ll go back for seconds of this plateful of joy on Xmas. IKEA Boy, pleeeeaaaase come back with me!!!! 🙂
5. Joe. I never had the opportunity to meet him when he was alive, but a significant part of this weekend’s journey included learning about this wonderful creature, seeing the site where he lost his life and visiting his grave out in the sticks of Southwestern Pennsylvania. I will most likely write about him in my next entry, and it will also likely include my life-after-death and reincarnation commentaries, along with a side of IKEA Boy that I was honored to witness, as this was someone he will hold tightly in his heart for the rest of his life. (I weep for Joe, who needlessly lost his life at 21, when IKEA Boy’s ex recently tried to take his own life so selfishly. Ironic how those with hope and those without it seem to trade fates.)
6. Maddie was soooo GOOD in the car with IKEA Boy driving! Most of you may not know that he gave Maddie to me more than six years ago — he had named her Madonna (yes, after the Goddess of Gay Men) — and she was very happy to hang out and play with her deadbeat Daddy. 🙂 Outside of the car, though, she was a BAD little cat. Very bad. Check out her website in the coming days, and I’ll let her tell you herself what a little troublemaker she is.
7. Observation: In Farmington, Pa., there was a huge field full of cows that we passed, and the sign in front of it read: “Homemade Pies.” Ewwww. …
8. Back in Virginia, IKEA Boy and I threw ourselves together and headed up to Arlington to spend some time with Paul and Bryan, who got us nice and smoked up. It was wonderful to decompress with our friends, as we laughed and shared stories and savored each other’s company. There aren’t a whole lot of genuine and loving people down here (that I’ve met, anyway), but those two are everything I could ever want in friends and more.
And on a final note, talked with Shan this while I was in Pittsburgh, speaking of wonderful people in my adopted city. Happy Birthday Shan!!! Gawd, hearing her voice made me so happy. IKEA Boy and I were talking about how awesome she is and how lucky we are to have connected with her. Hearing from her was strangely exhilarating, because having her in my life down here is a huge reason that I have been able to come to know and call Alexandria “my home.”
For right now, it’s good to be back. Very good. 🙂 I hope my readers have had a wonderful adventure as well. Feel free to share your stories in the Comments section below!!!
And no one to screw. Shit.
Wild night. Wild weekend. IKEA Boy and I totally deserved to smoke ourselves silly, drink ourselves into further happiness, see some naked boys at Wet and wander over to Nation for a roll. 🙂 We just got in from Pittsburgh this evening, after two days of running around and stuffing ourselves silly on food ever-so-graciously prepared by Wobin. And even though we barely slept, we figured we’d ingest some happy pills to finally become relaxed.
IKEA Boy found himself a cutie from El Salvador (related, he asked me to note here that he has, with this kid, officially completed his “South American Collection” of hookups. lol). As for me, before we decided to go out tonight, I was about to dial any of the numbers waiting to be called from my cell phone, but I didn’t. Damn. And now that I’m rolling, I REALLY wish I’d found a hookup for myself. Waste of a roll, perhaps, but no muss, no fuss, right? Hmmm. Who can I call at 4:15 a.m.?!?! Jesus H., am I horny. This is IKEA Boy’s third pickup this week, and he’s only been single for the better part of two or three weeks. Christ, one of these days, I need to go to a STRAIGHT club so I can find someone to drag home, too. 🙂 Seeing all those bouncing balls and hot naked boys has made me want to find a boy to straddle. Argh — where’s that telephone pole?!?! 🙂
The strange thing is, with MDMA, that keeps us up for two days. Not me. I’ll probably go look at some porn and go to bed. I need to sleep, and at least I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy and will totally enjoy it. 🙂 I’ll write more about the weekend later — right now, it’s all about satiating the more pressing need first!!!
Okay, so I haven’t even STARTED packing for Turkey Day in the ‘Burgh, but due to my absolute refusal to leave the apartment in its usual state of disappointment, I have:
1. Scrubbed the bathroom tiles and ceiling with products by Lysol and Clorox, finally spot-cleaning the grout with bleach;
2. Scrubbed the tub (and had to keep pulling Maddie away from it);
3. Unloaded the dishwasher and placed items where they belong instead of stacking them randomly in the kitchen;
4. Reloaded the dishwasher with the mountain of shit in the sink (and I will probably run it in a few minutes);
5. Bagged up all the trash in the house for introduction to the dumpster tomorrow, including a stack-o-boxes that Tiff left behind that I hope she wasn’t planning to keep…lol;
6. Cleaned all the kitchen counters and appliances (stovetop, coffee pot, toaster, etc.) and wiped down the fridge and drawers;
7. Dust-bustered the kitchen;
8. Scrubbed the bathroom floor, walls and door;
9. Removed old food from fridge for burial in the dumpster;
and, on a more personal note:
10. Went out to dinner with Shan before grabbing a half-hour workout at the gym;
11. Redesigned Maddie’s page because the broken header tag that used to be there prevented me from editing her template. I’m not very happy with it, but it was the least obnoxious Blogskin that I could find, especially when I was trying to match the image at the top, which is trimmed in pink; and
12. Made it to the holiday without acting upon the traditional, festive homicidal urges. Woo hoo!!!
Of course, re: Point #12, the holiday hasn’t happened yet, so there’s always time to reverse that outcome. ::Sigh:: Susan says there is 3″ of snow and the skies are full of gloom and doom at our destination point. Yippee frickin’ skippy. While it’s colder than a witch’s tit in January down here, it’s still deceptively sunny (i.e., you THINK it’s going to be warm, but then you get a frosty draft up your ass, and you know better. hee hee). Props and utmost gratitude to Susan for agreeing to provide shelter for IKEA Boy and me during our adventure!!!
At any rate, damn does this place smell good. It needs a lot more work, but I need to pack (and maybe do a load of laundry), get the cat all packed up (oh, christ, the impending agony. …) So … what did YOU do today?!?! lol. BTW, I hate housework, but the cat isn’t pitching in, so it’s all on me. 🙂 Unfortunately, I never have enough time to devote to working on my personal space. The knickknacks are clean (and there are hundreds of them), the linens are freshly washed, and I did five loads of laundry last weekend, but that isn’t enough. Shit. I need to hook up with a man who will share the housework with me (and I will reward him bountifully for his efforts!!!). Any takers out there?!?!
On a final note. …
Happy Turkey Day, Turkeys!!! Unless I do a quick post tomorrow, I’ll be AWOL for a few days as IKEA Boy (yes, now he’s coming with me again!) and I hit the highways and byways to visit the land of the Black and Gold. Don’t miss me too much, and be sure to indulge as much tryptophan as humanly possible so you can conk out and forget that this holiday ever happened!!!