Caterwauling

Shan totally wowed me with her quote of the day. Apparently there is a little vegetable stand in the parking lot of Landmark Mall. The sign outside of it reads: “Farm-Fresh Vegetables, fresh from the farm.” Shan suggested we modify it and bring it back to work: “Farm-Fresh Veggies: fresh from the Funny Farm.” 🙂

Phone call a few minutes ago:

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to subscribe to the Veggie Patch Gazette.”

Me: “Fine, I’ll connect you with our fulfillment house. It’s $85/year, going up to $89/year on July 1, so I suggest you call this week and get the lower rate.”

Caller: “That’s outrageous!”

Me: “Membership to my association is $150; I think $85 is a fair price for a subscription, which gives you 12 months of 50 to 60 pages of copy. The price is reflective of my printing costs.”

Caller: “Well, forget it. The content sucks anyway.”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Caller: *slams down phone*

Um, thanks for sharing your loving opinion with the editor AND primary writer. Asshat!

While thousands if not millions of people are honoring their fathers today, I’d like to take a moment and wish my own father — hereafter known as “Sperm Donor” — a day so vile that he wants to slit his wrists. And I don’t know that I’d be upset if he did impale himself on a sharp object.

Note that I am 29 and have not had children yet. Note that most, if not all, of the men I’ve dated were probably not suitable daddy material. Note that the ones who WERE good daddy material probably didn’t want to reproduce with ME. 🙂 Now that we’re done taking notes, realize that I haven’t brought any kids into this world for the sheer fact that I didn’t feel like being a single parent.

I didn’t meet my father until I turned 18, when we went to Family Court to close our pathetic child support case (thanks for the $40/month for 18 years, you asshole). That embarrassing monetary amount aside, all I wanted was a daddy. And luckily, my grandfather was a wonderful paternal figure for me, and I don’t know what I would have done without him. But without Sperm Donor, I wouldn’t even be here.

Granted, I know S.D. was 18 when I was born (Mom was 16). But he didn’t believe I was his, and after blood tests and whatnot later, he still thought the tests were wrong. So he stayed out of my life and ended up getting married and having another child by the time I was 3 … a girl named Shannon (yes, same name as my darling friend). He had a boy, Ryan, a couple of years after that.

I never met these half-siblings, nor do I want to. They probably don’t even know about me. And if they were reared by this asshole called S.D., then they are probably assholes just like him.

When I met him, he was undergoing a bitter divorce. The kids were with the wife. I had just graduated 13th in my high school class and was going to journalism school on a scholarship, so I thought he would be proud to get to know this *lost* offspring. Oh boy, was I wrong.

We looked so much alike, it was frightening. Motherfucker gave me all the Irish genetics — same huge round eyes, freckles, mouth, etc. My grandmother told a story around that time how much I resembled him as a baby, too — she couldn’t get over his audacity (or density) in denying that I was his. Little did we know that he would deny me again.

I suppose it would be fair to say that S.D. was the first man to break my heart. After court, we made a date to go out to dinner, which we did and it was fantastic. We giggled and talked and — I thought — bonded. I never saw him again, but I called him from the dorms at least twice a month (although it cost me a fucking arm and a leg, as I used a calling card that was outrageously steep). By the next year, when it was time for me to move back into the dorms, I called to ask him if he could help me move my TV and bookcase (as my grandfather was getting frail and couldn’t help me lift stuff anymore). S.D. said yes. Then he called back five minutes later to not only say no, but to say that he’d had nothing to do with me for my first 18 years, so why start now?

Why.Start.Now.

The words will never leave my mind.

Another phrase out of his rotten mouth that stabbed my heart occurred on that dinner date we had. He was talking about Shannon and Ryan, and I asked him how many kids he had. He said, “Oh, just two.”

Oh.Just.Two.

I didn’t count.

And I never would.

It has been my hope of hopes that Shannon and Ryan left him behind, once the divorce was final. I mean, shit, he was renting a crappy apartment and he had lawn furniture in his living room. Sounded like he was a loser (cripes, I’m poor but at least I have nice stuff!) I’m certain that piddly $40 a month couldn’t possibly have bankrupted him!

A few nights ago, I ran searches on the S.D. and the kids. Not a one of them comes up in any of my queries. I know a lot of people lead anonymous lives, but I have to kind of be proud that, when I ego-surf, I see about a good 25 sites that pertain to me (except for the blog). I was quoted in newspaper articles, I wrote magazine articles and press releases, I was in staff listings and on project teams, I donated money, I was a volunteer coordinator, I was on corporate websites, and I left comments and ideas on party-planning sites. I always hoped one of those blood relatives would search for me, because I’m pretty damn easy to find.

So, to Tom Burke of Brentwood, Pittsburgh, Pa., today I wish you a royal FUCK YOU and thank the lord above for my fabulous mom, grandmother and grandfather for raising me in their family. I am certain that I was better off where I was, and I am certain that I am a better person because of it. How I wished for you to love me as your firstborn daughter; now I hope that someday, you will read my name or see it in lights and wish for just one moment that you would have given two shits about me. Because I won’t even be able to give that about you.

Rot in hell, bastard.

But I do wish a Happy Father’s Day to my grandfather and to all the loving and present dads, uncles and granddads out there who took the responsibility and pleasure of being a hero in the eyes of a child. I only hope that when I do finally have children, I will have a man in my life just like the caring souls out there who are being honored by their families today.

Okay, kids, for those of you who actually BET that I would have gone to the gym today, YOU LOSE!!! Hee hee. I went to Starfucks, to the park, called my mom, listened to CDs and went shopping to the tune of several hundred dollars (although there are some gifts mixed in there too). 😉 Went for a drive, too. Long but good day.

I meant to turn in an apartment application today, but as they wanted to know everything but my blood type and preferred brand of tampon, I put that off till tonight so that I can get somewhat-accurate answers. I bought lots of new bathroom stuff, including a scale. EEEEEKKK!!! Those fuckers are expensive, and not one matches my decor, so I bought a mid-price one (Update: the fucker doesn’t work. Damn electronics!). I also ended up with two lamps, to complement the artwork and table that I bought at IKEA yesterday.

At some point, it might occur to me to save money for my move, but nah. Next paycheck I’ll start. 😉 Never miss a sale today when you can sit home tomorrow!

I hated being dressed in gym clothes today. Don’t get me wrong — I was comfortable, but boys just don’t look at you when you look like shit. But at least my feet aren’t hurting, so that’s a good thing, I suppose. 😉

I look like a fool.

I’m dressed in workout clothes (not sure if I actually WILL work out, as I have a dozen errands to accomplish today), but hey, I’ve read that half the battle is actually getting dressed. I figure at some point, I’ll just have to move. 🙂 But be it known that I would MUCH rather be in a frilly peasant top and a skirt of my choosing right now. And sandals in favor of sneakers. I am not a sneaker girl. Shoes are supposed to flatter your legs, not make your feet look like hoagies with shoelaces.

But I am the idiot who, just because she’s in a T-shirt and shorts, doesn’t mean she’s going to look like a total frump. The hair is done. Jewelry is on. Makeup is next. Some sort of scented body spray (warm vanilla sugar and eucalyptus-spearmint are my splashes of choice) is next. My outfit screams slob, my demanor screams kill me … but my attention to all those fussy little details screams, hopefully, I’m a lady, damn it! 😉

I’m out of ketosis. 🙁 Next step, I’m told, is to eliminate cheese from the diet for two days. This shit is killing me! Things have changed during the past few years … I now also have to eliminate caffeine and nicotine (oh, yeah, can’t wait to see THAT). Perhaps I will just reduce them. But for now, I am taking my Camel Lights to Starfucks for a venti ANYTHING with caffeine!

According to The Biggest Losers in the Blogosphere, I have lost 5 percent of my goal weight to lose so far. I set my goals high, actually, so this, my friends, is progress.

I went against my instinct and stepped on a scale this evening. Down 3 pounds! Woo hoo! I celebrated with dinner with Shawn at Famous Dave’s in Potomac Mills. I cheated a bit and had barbecue sauce, but damn it, it’s unavoidable in a barbecue joint!

I have a screaming headache. And I’ve had raging car sickness for two days, too. Just a price I’m going to have to pay as my body learns to live without carbs. I can’t wait for my diet induction period to be over, but the progress will be well worth it, I hope!

Saw some apartments today with Shawn. Found a place that’s relatively big and is only $800/month. The other place we saw jacked up their prices more than $200 since I got a quote on 1BRs, so even though it’s a great place, I can’t afford the $980 they now want. I do NOT want to pay for pools and fitness centers that I will never use, nor do I want to sit on Little River Turnpike traffic to get to work. The place I liked is on Seminary Road, which means I can avoid I-395 if I so desire, but the on-ramp to the highway is only a stone’s throw away, when and if I feel the need to join mortal combat driving school.

I still want to look at some places, but I’m going to apply to the place on Seminary, just to have something in my pocket. The place has a nice patio, is nearly 800 square feet and central air is included. Not sure my furniture will fit up the steps and through the front door, but I’ll worry about that later. Saw some great furniture at IKEA today that I might want to buy to fill up the space, so all in all, ’twas a productive and GREAT day!!!

And this is good news.

Trust me on this.

And don’t worry … no rabbits died during this process.

When one is on the Atkins diet, one is encouraged to use Ketostix to measure ketosis (i.e., fat-burning). Just a few minutes ago, I finally, finally saw the first trace of pink, which means that the burning process has begun. w00t!!!

Granted, I’ve got a LOOONG way to go till the stick turns purple, but hey, this is progress. I’ve been tired of seeing the stick remain beige, which means that nothing is going on. But this, my friends, is that little bit of encouragement that I’ve needed all week. Perhaps it was my dinner-on-the-road — acquired somewhere north of Baltimore at 11 p.m. — of a bunless hot dog, string cheese, a beef stick and a handful of cashews, that kick-started the process (yay for disgusting gas-station food!), but I’m a happy girl. I know I won’t sleep tonight (as usual), but I will definitely be happy as I lie awake and swelter.

1. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to do, but never have?

Fall in love. New subject. 🙂

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?

Mostly. I won’t say “Sweet Jesus, where’s the Wide Load sign?” — but I will suggest that perhaps a different cut or color or length would be more flattering, when talking about clothes. Hair is a sensitive subject for me, so I go to great lengths to avoid talking about it. And I rarely ask for feedback on my own appearance.

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn’t? What happened?

Yes, but no. Whenever I find out something disturbing or that could be construed as TMI, I have to deal with it myself (i.e., if someone is drinking too much or doing drugs or being self-destructive or abusive toward someone), I just have to face my own experiences, memories, prejudices, whatever before I can truly be a strong shoulder for that friend. And no matter what, everybody needs someone who can listen to them without judging them.

I’ve had experience chatting with folks who are interested in the same person I was interested in, and it hurt like hell on the occasions when I was at the far end of the triangle. But I’ve got this incredible ability to spring back and help my friends, even at the expense of my own feelings. In one situation, I was told, “My god, you’re resilient.” This was coming from the guy I was interested in who wanted one of my friends (how dare he! hee hee). Don’t get me wrong, I was aching inside, but I didn’t show him that. And I did get over it, because it obviously wasn’t meant to be because we haven’t spoken in years, but not because of that. Our friendship did grow stronger after all the revelations, which was probably as much of a benefit of having him as something more.

I did give up on a friend a few years back who was self-destructing and hurting people in her path. I stuck around for a long time, trying to listen, to reason with her. But to no avail. She became a complete drain on my capacity to love someone unconditionally, because every conversation revolved around her. I could be bleeding from the head, but her problems were always more important. So I quit answering the phone when she called. She finally got the hint and found other people to dump on.

On the flip side, just as that situation was ending, I was entering a time when I had to make the hardest decision of my life. And I lost some friends because of this decision I made that they didn’t agree with. But that’s OK … obviously they weren’t good friends to begin with, and I don’t need people who can’t love me, no matter what I do.

4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?

I am the heroine of my own tragic romance novels, I swear. That’s part of why I started writing books — I enjoyed reading all kinds of literature, but I didn’t see any genres really, truly aimed at me. So I created my own. I suppose I am the main character, and although the book life is not the life I’d necesarily pick for myself, it has made for some interesting fantasies in my mind as I try to lay down the plotline. The bottom line is, writing these stories is like self-medication — I draw on my own experiences and write them the way I wish they could have happened.

5. What’s one talent/skill you don’t have but always wanted?

I want to be able to sing or play bass guitar. Or both. I don’t know — music is the touchstone of my life, next to writing. In fact, all of my books revolve around the music industry (I’ve always wanted to be a music publicist), and my chapters oftentimes begin with song lyrics. At one point, I was feeling ambitious and wrote dozens of my own songs (ages 10-16), and maybe three of them are actually decent “power ballads” that reflected my love of glam metal ballads at the time. 😉

I am more than happy ingesting no more than 20 carbs a day, but a nasty, temporary side effect is a dull headache and *blah* feeling. Last time I did this eating plan, the headache went away within 10 days … but in 10 days, I will leave diet hell and enter PMS hell, so I will be evil for the rest of the month. Stay back at least 10 feet and you won’t get hurt! 😉

I’m playing hooky today, not that I’ve managed to get any real work done this week. I was an emotional trainwreck, for some strange reason, but today I feel good. I took NyQuil and finally got to sleep at about 2 a.m. Perhaps my insomnia was caused not only by my overactive mind, but also by the heat. I need to sleep with a blanket, no matter whether my room feels like it was plopped in the middle of the Sahara. And if the blanket isn’t covering my shoulders, feet and ears, I don’t feel right. I’ve been too cheap to turn on the A/C, but perhaps I may have to reconsider my stance on the cost of comfort. And soon!

I still haven’t gotten to the gym, but Shawn is indeed threatening that he will drag me kicking and screaming to the fitness club, whether I want to go or not. And I know I’ll feel better once I go. I thought I would go this morning, but I (deservedly) slept late and need to start getting ready to go do some volunteer work this afternoon.

Mad props to Tiff for putting up the first of several pages for Ribbon of Promise’s D.C. Chapter, just in time for today’s volunteer activities. Shan and John and I are going to be in Perrysville, Md., talking to parent groups about working to prevent school violence. My joke is that I’ll do ANYTHING to take a day off of work, but it will be good to meet these parents and educators, who want to start an ROP chapter in their neighborhood. I’m kind of excited … it’s amazing to do work that makes a difference, and despite the fact that I have to wear a suit on my day off, I’m looking forward to helping kids to have a better school experience than I did.

Speaking of fulfilling vocations, I’ve really been giving a lot of thought to my book series — the one I started writing when I was 14. It’s been 15 years, and I’m closer to being ready to write the books, but time and a crappy computer seem to be getting in my way. And although I’ve been pretty set on my character names for ages, the problem with such a lapse of time is that I have now met people with the names I had chosen, and I no longer like the names because the people’s faces come into my head when I write. And I hate that. It’s like the old joke that, if you wait too long to have children, you don’t know what to name them because every name you come up with belongs to someone you can’t stand. 🙂 I mean, shit, I am thinking about changing the central character’s name, if you can believe that! She holds the entire plot together, throughout the six-book series, and I can’t even speak her name right now without experiencing a slight rise in blood pressure. No wonder I haven’t made any notes on the series in ages!

News on the dating front: cloudy. I got a message from someone on Friendster that I haven’t responded to. It’s from a 21-year-old married male. I should take these young guys while I still can … I had a “Sex and the City” moment recently, when I realized that I am now at the age where guys my age are looking for younger women. I’ve read studies on how men over 30 are starting to think about having kids, so they want women who are in their early- to mid-20s because they are in their childbearing prime and are young enough to almost guarantee that they will have more than one child. Funny, most of the people I’ve dated hated the idea of having kids, but maybe they just specifically didn’t want a psychotic Little Dawn running around. 🙂 At any rate, my own dream is to have one or two before I turn 34, but a la SATC, I will probably be hanging around with my friends, single and chatting over croissants about our unstable love lives. 🙂 Which should make for a good five years’ worth of blogging, if nothing else! 😉

I am one cranky bitch when I’m deprived of sweets and other disgustingly great foods that I love.

I’m officially on Atkins as of today, although I kept carbs to a minimum for the previous few days. Props to Bill for the cheerleading, although I may need for him to beat me into submission should a weak moment hit that sends me to the ice cream aisle in this fucking sweltering Northern Virginia humidity. 😉

Thanks to everyone who commented on my previous post. Although I said a lot of what was on my mind and had no problem saying it, it’s strange to read my own words (which I did a thousand times). I find it amazing that I can share such intimate things with thousands of readers, but I can’t look someone in the eye, one-on-one, and share these thoughts. How many times I wanted to say to (insert random person from the past here) that they really meant something to me and that I’d like for them to want me for more than just a night (or an hour. …). How many times I wanted to say to (insert random fuck buddy here) that gee, I’m going to fake an orgasm and crawl out as soon as you fall asleep.

I spoke at length about “upgrading,” but what I didn’t disclose was that I knew what I was doing when I was going for the models that were simply *on sale.* I knew the ones who wouldn’t call or come around again. I walked straight into those mousetraps with my eyes wide open. And I walked out the same way.

A part of me wonders if it will always be like this for me … whether I can’t *get* anybody good. But friends throughout the years have pointed me toward people with great potential. And a certain impatience on my part went for those guys immediately, dragging them into bed before they could say their last names. 😉

So today, in a MUCH shorter entry than yesterday (LOL), I pledge to not necessarily try to grow back my hymen, but to date and have fun and enjoy all the boys (whether they like girls or not) for the fun and fabulous human beings that they are. And to continue learning about what I want and don’t want in a partner. I have a pretty good idea of what I want, and I don’t have to settle for less, nor do I have to move any faster than I am comfortable doing. I believe in kismet … and if things are meant to be, they will happen, and if they’re not, they will happen another way that is probably even better than I ever could have envisioned.

Of course, y’all can all make the argument that I’m only chaste right now ’cause I don’t have any offers. ROFL. Can’t disagree with logic, there, can we? 😉

But for the first time in a long time, I feel good. I really do. Perhaps, in line with the pulsating thunderstorm we had here tonight, my raging torrent of emotions have run their course. And Jimmy, thanks for keeping my secrets safe. You’re a doll!

On a lighter note

And I mean physically lighter. Bill sent me these great Atkins-related links, which I wanted to share with those who want to join the bandwagon!

Atkins.com

More Atkins

Official carb counter

Low-carb recipes

Discussion board

I’ve got lots of high-carb food here that I can’t eat. Food drive, anyone? 🙂