Caterwauling

Ever since I found out my college friend Jason passed unexpectedly, I’ve gone a little cuckoo.

A lot cuckoo. He was a month older than me.

I have a photo of my own J. on my altar.

I haven’t spoken of her death to anyone, save for an accidental slip that I didn’t know would be shared with the Point Park J&C graduating class of 1996.

Two people reached out — one was Jason’s longtime partner.

I reached out to her a couple times. Every time, I say you don’t need to respond if you don’t want to. Just wanted to say I’m thinking about you both.

She did just respond to the latest message, and we had a good little chat. One that’s left a permanent lump in my throat.

But I got past that lump to share my own loss with two others who deserved to know. Two fellow members of the J&C graduating class of 1996.

Two years after our J. passed.

I don’t want to claim it felt good to say it.

But, I also can’t say it didn’t.

I don’t have all the details, which is honestly helpful.

Just that our girl fell on some hard times that she didn’t tell anyone about.

One day, she was gone.

And I’ve protected her so fiercely that I realize I’ve kept people who loved her from mourning and remembering her, as she would deserve.

My friends were gracious. Very sad. Recalled her quite fondly.

Something else unexpected happened.

The one friend (another J!) said you know, Dawn, grief is such a part of your world, with everyone you’ve lost. No wonder you held this one so close to you for so long. You just made it real to you.

This girl always acted spacey. But I always had a feeling she didn’t miss a damn thing. I see my instincts were absolutely spot on.

I said thank you and raise a glass to our girl and let me know if you need anything — and I mean ANYTHING — because she didn’t and I didn’t even offer, for the invitation to even be there.

I’ve had a lot of brilliant thoughts about all this that I failed to write down.

Mostly that we all haven’t laid eyes on each other in 30 years, but we can teleport back to the days of sitting on J.’s dorm bed with the concrete risers in two seconds or less.

Burdens really can be lighter when they’re shared. Even though the weight isn’t equally distributed.

OK there’s my brilliant thought for today.

Someone said that to me recently, and while it isn’t 100% me, it’s not exactly a zero chance of rain. At least a chance of a shower.

I’m back in my panic mode, having had a week in Tokyo, then jet lag, then company event/fambly reunions, then covering as my staff took well deserved days off.

My boss called me on a day when I had canceled the meeting.

I was a hot mess, not expecting a call. My laptop wouldn’t cooperate, either, another sign.

Like, I can count on one finger how many times our scheduled meeting happened on schedule.

It was the day I canceled it.

Anyway I’ve made no progress on any of the 11 items he wanted an update on.

Just in time for my next meeting, in a few hours.

Here’s hoping this one falls out of everyone’s mind.

It’s not that I don’t want to do these things. Trust me I love when people have no reason to be looking for me.

But it’s so different from the Martin years.

Martin would ask for something. I’d make a cup of coffee and start said project instantly.

Now I’m back on my Brad years bullshit. Like, yeah I’ll do it. When I’m ready.

I know it’s human nature to drag on stuff you don’t really have your heart in.

But when your heart is in affording your next trip, why isn’t that motivation enough?

I mean it’s not like I haven’t done stuff. Just … not that.

What i excel at was the whole company event/fambly reunion stuff.

Talking subscribers off the ledge. Talking my staff of the ledge.

Housing copious amounts of liquor and still functioning.

Not greeting everyone with “You need to” as we all got greeted, but rather giving hugs! and saying thanks for coming! and so good to see you!

And following up on the seven million subscriber and sales team questions … and implementing the suggestions in our content.

Yeah but did I hire five crypto writers? Nope.

Write an employee newsletter? Nuh uh.

Wrote another set of performance reviews which honestly I told the HR lady you might as well make quarterly since 2x a year just isn’t strange enough? Not a chance!

But did I write five newsletters in five days under names that are not mine? Attend more meetings than a new AA member? Fight with our stupid pay stub system that isn’t letting anyone claim their PTO without a Congressional act? Yep.

I am an atheist but these are the days I pray to God. Thursdays, that is.