Caterwauling

Key Lime Freeze, Key West

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

“Only worry in the world
Is the tide gonna reach my chair.”

– Zac Brown Band, “Toes”

I keep watching my friend posting photos and “where I’m drinking beer right now” status updates from Key West and even though I only live a couple hours north, I’m so jealous.

It’s been a challenging week here. And it’s not even half-over. Chaos all around. I gave notice at an assignment I love but think it’s best to give up. Then I got a note that another job can’t afford to pay me right now.

I feel good though. I’ll live. Really, by the time you endure all of life’s little surprises, you can take the next round of them in stride. Just as long as I don’t regret any of my decisions, things will be fine.

Don’t think I’m taking the easy way out. I’m going for the “less money but working harder” route. And if, waiting at the end, is a lovely Key Lime Freeze like the one pictured at my favorite stop in Mallory Square? That’s all the motivation I need.

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Card Sound, Upper Keys

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Yesterday brought a colossal, collective screw-up. And a series of sharp, shooting pains going from my neck to my wrist.

It also brought a half-bottle of dry red wine from Fabbioli Cellars that I got on an outing there back when I lived in Northern Virginia.

All in all, what happened was not a huge deal. I don’t lose sleep over this shit anymore. But I don’t take kindly to mistakes on the part of others OR on myself, even though I was in a mad rush and the boo-boo was understandable.

So, I decided to be upfront today and say I can’t do it anymore.

I have a Plan B. I want to do it all, really, and hope I can. But if I can’t, yesterday’s drama convinced me that if this ain’t the right time to sprout a pair of wings and learn to fly on the way down, I don’t know when it WILL be.

“The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.” — Goethe

Saying yes to that new “something else,” I feel free. I feel like I could fly. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I’m NOT tied to my desk and can actually breathe again.

Look, I like money. And frankly nobody knows the subject matter or the processes or the nuances better than I do. But I’ve been staying for the money and also out of a sense of guilt. Yet I realized today that the best thing for everyone is to let someone else do what I do — sure, it may not be as well, but I can train them. It will be fine.

And it feels good to commit to something new. Not that I want, like or NEED change. Because I’m quite OK without making any waves right now. Had enough of those and I’m still seasick from the last squall.

But to commit to something … really, truly commit … is refreshing. Goethe said it best that commitment leads to providence. And it feels damn good to be on my way. …

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Watching Kitty Porn

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Ah, my very first photo with my new iPhone 4 that I had to buy because my 3GS decided to DIE while I was in the Keys this past weekend. I was waiting till the iPhone 5 came out to buy that.

Oh, hell, who am I kidding — I was saving up for something else and then this magical expenditure had to take place. Fun!

I think I need to recuse myself from one of my freelance assignments. Well, I still want to meet a rich man who will let me stop working altogether. But failing that right now, I have this high-pressure gig that doesn’t require a lot of hours BUT it means being 1,000% on the ball.

And yeah, I’ve been making some mistakes lately. All honest ones, and certainly way fewer than the ones I CATCH. But I can’t take the pressure anymore. I really can’t. I like my rent being paid and all and that’s why I’ve hung in there as long as I have. But at what cost? I already don’t leave my house for fear of being needed for a fast-turnaround assignment. And I save everybody a lot of embarrassment. But when I miss something, the stakes are too high. And God really didn’t put me on this earth to feel like crap all the time. I had enough of that in my office days!

One of my old male acquaintances from my D.C. days is in Key West right now. A part of me wants to run right back and rejoin the party. But when I do, I ain’t returning. I can promise you that.

Well, I guess I have to go figure out how to clean up THIS mess since I made it. Yay me.

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I don’t want to say I’ve taken on too much work. But I will say that I bust my butt all damn day and still manage to disappoint everyone for falling short all-around.

Now I know what it’s like to be a man!

Seriously, I fear my clients are lying there with that same “THAT’S what he thinks is good sex? Good Lord” disappointment-cum-utter-relief-that-it’s-over when it comes to my output lately.

There’s such an ocean between what I’m good at and what I want to do, and I constantly swim the Straits of Mediocrity to do a little of both. I get some victories and some creative outlets. It’s as much of a balance as I’ve ever had.

I have an opportunity to change all that. But … does that mean I’ll soar or come groveling back in the next three months?

I tried again to channel the Archangel Michael about my career path. I forget what I dreamed about last night, but I don’t think the answer was there.

I can’t make any more dumb decisions, you know? Made enough of those for one lifetime, thanks. Everything I have going right now is fine. I could stay with everyone for a while and be OK with it.

But … what if the road-less-taken ISN’T the one that’s paved with good intentions?

Right now I know I can’t do it all, although I try. But what if I chuck all caution to the wind, take that other road and I’m STILL not able to make it work?

A friend explained to me that Mercury in retrograde isn’t always a total bitch. That oftentimes, and this particular cycle applies, it simply gives you an opportunity to backpedal and review your choices with the possibility of changing the outcome.

What would I change, other than everything? Hmm…

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Illumination from below

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I read this self-help piece yesterday on calling upon the Archangel Michael to help you find your career path.

So I wrote him a little note and went to bed in hopes of dreaming about getting on the right path.

And I dreamed that I was with a group of people who robbed a Kohl’s store. I didn’t take anything but I was very excited to get to look at the merchandise while the store was closed.

The King of the Crackheads was there. I think that part alone qualifies it for “nightmare” status!

Speaking of angels, it’s “wear purple for Caylee Anthony” day as it’s her birthday. That reminds me that it’s my niece’s 8th birthday too. Special little girls came into the world on this day, apparently. Le sigh.

Well, I suppose I should go get this day overwith. Friday brings a Keys road trip. Hallelujah for having something to look forward to, other than a career as a retail thief.

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