Caterwauling

I almost bought the “Mythic Bitch” crop top at “Heathers: The Musical” but I didn’t. Now I wish I had.

Heather/Don’t Treadmill on Me has one job. Runs one event a year. With the help of two of my very talented friends.

Runs one event every OTHER year for the employees. Which sucked last time, but she didn’t ask for any input.

This week, she told us directors that our next useless call with her would be used to discuss the next employee event.

I am not going to the meeting because these are useless. She just stomps on her treadmill and yells at us for not being enthused about being in her presence, talking about nothing.

Any ideas I give, she tells me are dumb. Which, my team loves me so every idea I share that would benefit them cannot be dumb.

Or, worse, she wants to talk about performance reviews or trivia games or other shit no one wants to do.

Nothing ever changes; one or more of us just gets excoriated, and we all go to our next meetings.

So in the chat I said hey my team and I talked and we want to do Disney for the employee event.

Why?

The Disney Institute has teambuilding.

And you get free park access when you do that teambuilding.

Food is great. Location is amazing.

You literally rented a shitty Hilton and expect us to sit in it for two days.

MCO is cheaper to fly into than PBI.

Hotels are an eighth of the price as Boca Raton.

You insist we have this employee event on a Saturday/Sunday.

And it’s not like us locals get any perks — out of staters get flown in and nice hotels. The rest of us have to drive and pay to park once or twice.

I didn’t say all of that upfront. Just … if your goal is for us to bond and make memories … Orlando > Boca.

Literally the whole management team is like OMG YEAH.

Then this heifer says it has been decided and no you will not get your way. The hotel has been reserved.

It’s been reserved … for nine months from now. Pretty sure you can break their contract without breaking their hearts. There’s a fucking reason it’s available.

And the thing is, no one stood up to her when she said well people will be off on their own at Disney and that’s not team building.

Whore, yes it is.

I said there are five of us with annual passes. Beth, me, Cyndi, Tracy and Maddison can plan this with our eyes closed. Two of these people got married at Disney. At least one of them worked as a cast member. Just sit down on your treadmill and let us have this one.

I also said …

The company is asking us to add 35 more meetings a month to our calendars.

The company is also asking us to TRIPLE our workload … alongside all those meetings.

It would go a long way to give us something to work toward. A reward for all we are being asked to do for the exact same pay.

My texts were going off all day from my fellow directors, thanking me.

Though my favorite text came after I proposed disney.

Someone said they can’t wait to see how Heather ruins this one, because you know she will.

Well I don’t know where Heather was because we had hope for a good two hours.

I even told one of them, “Oh, I was told i have to be in constant meetings so y’all know where I am. Where is she that I am not getting a reply?”

One of them joked, “Meetings for me, but not for thee.”

She’s such a disappointment. I have so much pressure on me and my department — no one understands how much time it takes to edit or think or gather your strength to get through a day.

And when I dare whisper that I am drowning … because the boss told the research department — whose newsletters I have written personally for three years — to send me three documents a day to edit — and now he acts surprised that they are sending me all this stuff … I hear that our computer history will get pulled for review.

PULL IT. REVIEW IT.

So, it’s been three days and my team is already ready to quit if I don’t do something.

So yeah, maybe Disney isn’t the solution, and I’m not going to quit over that personally.

But I did tell everyone “alternate employee event” and let’s go to Disney that weekend and let heather do her stupid icebreakers or whatever by herself.

I told her I know she wants an escape room adventure, but the conference room itself is an escape room.

I hated the employee event two years ago. We all went to a hilton where I was originally charged $40 to park.

Then they lost my car.

Lost my car.

LOST MY FUCKING CAR.

Me and the four guys from the research team all had to wait two hours to get our cars after the event. I don’t know where the valet put our cars but I could have fucking walked to our next destination in that time.

The next destination was some golf thing.

I was steaming mad when I got there, as it was ending an hour later.

So guess what, hoe? I didn’t have any time to interact with anyone because the valet kept my fucking car underground in Cityplace, at your shitty choice of another shitty hilton.

So I don’t know who the fuck died and left you boss.

I know you think the company didn’t run for 50 years without you in it.

But considering the last event wasn’t a success — despite you bragging about it for the past 18 months like you cured cancer —

And considering you wanted us to meet to discuss the employee event —

If you’re already set on having it in another shit fuck hotel on a fucking weekend where I have to be grateful to be invited once again —

Well guess what.

I had already promised myself, if I get this disney outing with my team, I will eat shit and burn myself out even further for the cause.

But for my reward to be this cunt making decisions and the leadership letting her?

Lick me where I pee. For fucking real.

I manifest taking over the annual event and the employee event.

I don’t know what she brings that’s so special. She’s been so mean to all of us that it’s very hard to smile and say “you did such a great job!” when she gets to stay in the thousand dollar a night suites, multiple times a year, and the rest of us are barely welcome.

Yep, that’s what I want. These events should be mine.

For fucking real tho — i don’t know who died and left her boss. But she can go away and leave ME be boss.

That would very much be worth it to hang around for.

Universe, let’s make it so.

i already asked Disney for a quote.

It was so good
Letting you want me
So good
To make promises, promises.

Well this one hit a little too close to home.

I was thinking, I could dedicate this song to someone. Based on that line above.

But fuck that.

They can dedicate it to me.

(He) was pink clouding from the thrill of it
Skydiving as (he) wrapped (his) arms around my body
Gray rocking where the arrow hit
Years later, (he) still wonder(s) how to tell (me) sorry
(He) didn’t wanna let (me) down
So (he) left (me) up there on a pink cloud.

I don’t know that I ever even got a real apology.

A half assed one, basically thrown at me before “stop posting those vague things you say that send her spiraling.”

I could post that there was a damn rainbow in the sky, and she’d make 40 posts about MY post.

In any event, it all makes my head hurt to even remember all that.

But that’s how I use the song. As the apology I never got.

I finally made my own half assed apology awhile back. Just a simple, “I’m sorry, I was incapable of being an adult back then.”

Which is as good an apology as I’ve ever given. Take it or leave it; it isn’t getting any better.

That was more than I ever wanted to give but it tumbled out and we all know I can’t stop my words if I tried.

I just figure, they downgraded and got it worse. And I neither upgraded nor downgraded and have it so much better. I can be kind.

I was talking to one of my boys today.

He really deserves better than who he ended up with.

Sadly, he didn’t deserve someone as good as me.

What a revelation.

My name is NO.

My number is NO.

My sign is NO.

You need to let it go.

You need to let it go.

There’s this guy in the industry who annoys me.

He REALLY annoys Kelly.

He’s asked me two or three times about open positions at my job.

Look, I’m sour on the place right now. But when I get over it — and I always do — I don’t need another H to avoid.

Last time he messaged, I asked K, “We don’t like him, right?” And she’d said, “If you like dead weight, he’s your guys.”

Well, he asked today if I thought he’d be a good candidate for VP of marketing.

I fell out of my chair laughing.

“I think it’s so cute and I think it’s so sweet
How you let your friends encourage you to try and talk to me
But let me stop you there, oh, before you speak
Nah to the ah to the, no, no, no.”

Fortunately/unfortunately we hired someone over the weekend.

Fortunately because we need that role. Unfortunately because that means my boss is gonna be ALL up in my grill now since he’ll be less busy.

Which … BRING IT.

In any event, I’d rather have my tiny team of awesome people than some mediocre white man who thinks he’s VP material apply for — and get — that job.

Buddy, I’ve had the same title for 15 years. They bring YOU in above me … I’m out.

So, here’s assuming they hired far better.

It would actually be nice to have a real peer over there. It’s been too long since Eric left. I miss his weird but very talented ass.

Clod — nee Claude — gave me an intriguing insight.

He said do you notice you are always worried about work around the clock … and maybe that takes away from your actual productivity during actual work hours?

I mean, yeah I noticed. For 25 years.

But he’s not wrong. If I were just full force productive for 8-10 hours a day, I wouldn’t be worried about it all the time.

Like, I just sat down to work on this holy sunday night/mtv music awards evening.

Read a bunch of emails, some work related and others mostly catching up on news and politics.

And I realize my eyes are burning because I haven’t slept right in a (decade) week.

How does one read and write when their windows into the world are burning?

Look, I tend to shift the blame onto myself, since everyone else will anyway.

But really, one should not have to cut vacations short or work during them and then still be woefully behind.

OTOH I can’t forget when boss said who can you give this document to, to edit?

Like I was gray rocking rather than saying any of the 14 people I’ve laid off in the last few years.

But really … if I knew of anyone who could edit their way out of a paper bag …

It’d be worth my while to just pay them to make this go away so I can focus on this week’s product launch.

Unfortunately the only person who can edit just got another job … though he also applied to my open position … so either the new job isn’t working out or he’s sending a message.

And for real tho — it’s either the universe telling me here’s a second chance, don’t screw it up …

Or it’s the universe saying, hey, maybe there’s someone better out there … if you’d just pick up your PERSONAL CELL PHONE and talk to people.

I had good intentions on working today.

But I laid in bed, ate great food from the unimart kombini that opened yesterday in Mills 50, and rescheduled my entire pittsburgh trip.

I had plans to Brightline down to SoBe, stay at the Citizen M, and see my friend DJ at Do Not Sit.

The idea was to cab it over to MIA the next morning.

That was back when I just worried about work all the time. Now that I’m apoplectic about it all, fuck it.

Cut out the SoBe of it all. Changed flight to PDO International, home of the chief child trafficker. Made sure to make it on a Friday night so I don’t inconvenience anyone.

Not that I can get a hotel room in Pittsburgh under $500 on a Friday night when my flight arrives at 1 a.m. But also the car rental place closes at midnight, which is swell.

And the Saturday morning flights are absolute shite.

It was either that or go work from ATL or LGA or JFK for three hours mid-Friday. Which … I was planning to do but god forbid. God. For. Bid.

In any event, I probably spent an extra $300 on a shitty flight out of a shitty airport. But whatever money I save, I can apply toward shipping shit home to not deal with instead of paying to not deal with it up there.

I did allow myself one full day at the beginning and at the end for enjoying my city. The other days, out in the burbs for storage and working.

I figure one full day to really rip the place apart, and five days to work and agonize. Which … are synonyms?

I spent half my drive home from Orlando yesterday voice texting Mom.

It occurred to me for the millionth time that having her to talk to, at least gave me the strength to go back and deal with Brad and Brad Jr.

I don’t really have that anymore.

So I either have to maintain my grey rock that I show him/them …

Or else I have to find a way to not have to bottle up my feelings to the point of wanting to fling myself off my fifth-floor balcony 17 times a day.

It’s 5 p.m., where is your AI slop assignment for the night?

To be called not productive, man. I spent last Sunday night editing a 30 page dossier that was well researched and for someone I love dearly.

Wanting to get up and away from my cats and my football to do something for someone who will just complain on my review that I don’t work on his newsletter … not as motivating as y’all want to think it is.

Just woke up at 3:17 a.m. with night terrors. Again.

Soothed myself by canceling my 1-on-1 series with Brad Jr.

I wasn’t even supposed to be home on this Saturday night (now Sunday morning).

I had driven to Orland on Wednesday morning to spend the day at Epcot with my cousins. (The littlest one turned 3 yesterday!)

I had such a rotten Tuesday that I didn’t get moving on time Wednesday. So the day was half gone by the time I got there.

Didn’t see them at all Thursday.

Friday, I finally gave up on work and got to see them for an hour for dinner.

I realized in a big way that Brad used “you aren’t a good enough performer” to terrorize/motivate me.

I realized in a big way that Brad Jr. is doing the same goddamned thing.

It hit me around 4 a.m. today that I felt like shit for all those Brad years while I did his job and mine.

It hit me around 4:13 a.m. that Brad Jr. has spoken to my team once in five years and is threatening to “pull the records” to prove our productivity sucks.

I am so goddamned tired of running my mental health into the ground trying to prove people wrong whose opinion I would never consider otherwise.

Why am I home on Saturday instead of Sunday?

Because he handed me 4,000 words of un fact checked AI and told me to “find someone to edit it.”

Who are all these mythical people? The same ones who are supposed to be helping me produce 80 extra articles a week?

Can’t wait to ruin yet another Sunday working.

Just to be told I’m not productive. Again.

I wanted to say this blessing for me but honestly it’s good for anyone who needs it.

May your day run as easily as water.

And like Kelly says, don’t be someone’s cup of tea when you can be their laxative. Move that shit.

I spent way too much time being angry the past few weeks.

I guess it’s good to feel alive again?

Don’t tell anyone or else they’ll take the credit for it.

Someone told me their belief is that the family you build here on earth, is the family you’ll have in heaven.

That’s a Mormon thing. Bound for eternity.

They said that to me when mom passed. I think it was their way of offering comfort.

And even then, I wasn’t so sure.

On another occasion, I told him about this great love that never worked out. And we had agreed, “Next life.” As this one was not meant to be.

I don’t know that this person is open to ideas. It doesn’t matter. As long as WE aren’t bound for eternity.

I suppose we both believe in a soul circle.

But I had asked a psychic long ago, what if I don’t want someone in my circle anymore?

The psychic had explained that we all vibrate at different frequencies. So when we all go, if our vibrations aren’t a match, we won’t cross paths in the hereafter.

I couldn’t get much reassurance on future lives — like, can I please avoid Psycho and Beetlejuice and the Treadmill Lady.

But that would assume we’d all choose to incarnate again … or do so at the same time.

In any event, I got to thinking about the owner of the company. How lovable he is. Don’t get me wrong, likable isn’t always easy. but lovable, yes.

Him, I would work for again. Not any single one of the people he hired above me.

Like, I hired a little soul circle. I’m crazy about them. We can all meet up again.

Of course, I meant to write about the ethereal soul circle, but it’s back to being all about work.

Mom’s dying wish was for me to do good/be good/eat good.

Her LIVING wish was for me to find something else to do with my life.

We had a stressful company meeting this week. The nice thing I’ll say about it is my boss had the respect for me to prepare me for it.

A friend called me after and said wow I didn’t realize how unimpressive (list of names) were.

I said yeah try sitting in a Tuesday meeting with all of them, talking about nothing. But somehow I am the reason why the company isn’t living up to Joseph Smith’s First Vision.

It kind of clicked for me that I have shown bosses greatness. And any performance that’s less than greatness gets a low score and earns me stress that I’m not performing enough.

That same person who called, we had an emergency this week. I said to them oh I’m sorry, I have to write all these articles nobody is going to read. I don’t have bandwidth for emergencies anymore.

It was sarcastic. And I learned about the situation and realized there was nothing I could do about it anyway. But cue Paris Paloma, “YOU MAKE ME DO SO MUCH LABOR.”

Emotional labor.

In any event, my ethereal soul circle is probably sick of me.

I haven’t asked them for any help lately, though.

Ain’t that the way. The more fucked up life gets, the less I reach out to my ancestors.

Don’t get me wrong. I know THEY know.

I need to work today (Sunday). But I need to clean and feed my altar.

Well-fed ancestors protect you from thirsty bitches.

In any event, my unimpressed friend is so glad to be on my team.

I refuse to accept hearing the word “lazy.” If having bandwidth is lazy … OK.

Wait till the zine writers revolt over the new mandatory daily meeting before the market opens.

I can’t believe how much money I am about to spend to stay outside Pittsburgh for two weeks, to be working every day but the day I fly in.

Firstname. Lastname.

A city in Texas. And a color.

The name of an ’80s movie and an off-Broadway musical. And the name of a RHOBH character who lives on the main road.

Remember, people don’t quit workplaces.

They quit bosses.

Amend that to add, they quit when they have to have 37 meetings a week and can’t get out of the meeting with the dipshit on the treadmill.

Get ’em, ancestors.