Fiddy

May 20th, 2017, 1:01 PM by Goddess

Ran into an old colleague I haven’t seen in five years.  I said hi and hugged him. He said hi and looked confused and went on his way. Strange because this was a close friend at one time. 

Couple hours later, he came back and apologized. He literally had no idea who I was because he knew me 50 pounds ago. Someone else had to tell him who I was. 

Chalk one up in the “things that don’t suck” column. 



‘If you’re not one of Goddess’ boys, what are you, really?’

May 19th, 2017, 8:17 PM by Goddess

“You should ask X for (thing I really need from them),” they tell me.

I say I’m still mad. Not necessarily at X. Well, not entirely at X. But when one person’s decision ignites YOUR world on fire, yeah. Need a little more mad time, thanks.

“You NEED to ask,” they text back.

I say look. I’m grateful for all the good. There was a whole lot of it. And I think I cherished it all. Maybe not as much, toward the end. But I still knew the risks of leaving first. And those helped me stay.

“They owe you, Goddess,” they say. “Your life was dedicated to them. Your heart, soul health was invested. They know that. Don’t let it all be for nothing. It was bigger than all of you before it was a pile of dust.”

I think about it. And the revelation appears out of nowhere.

He didn’t want to be one of “my boys.” And I don’t know how to compute that.

They aren’t all “my boys,” you know. Sure, I give them every opportunity. Most of them realize a Goddess-less life isn’t worth living. And a Goddess-blessed one is filled with a whole lot more joy than the alternative.

One of my boys typed to another the other day, “If you’re not one of Goddess’ boys, what are you, really?”

I was cc’d. And so very pleased.

I think I always felt second/third/whatever fiddle. No matter how much I gave or tried or hurt or stressed or worried. Maybe I wasn’t so far down the food chain. I don’t know. Perhaps I needed more validation than I got. Or perhaps my apparent lack of needing any was off-putting.

In any event. I do feel owed. You go all-in and you are standing there alone half the time. Not bond-building. You memorize every detail of their life, and they probably still don’t know your cocktail of choice that you never ever deviate from.

It’s OK. It’s always OK. You’re always OK, even when you’re not.

I’m not a fan of this “Smile because it happened” shit. I will damn well cry because it’s over until I die.

But I’m getting better. It’s just not happening on any timetable that anyone would deem quick. And I may never get what it is I need/deserve. Not from this person. Maybe not from anyone.

But there is always the hope.



Curious

May 19th, 2017, 7:57 PM by Goddess

Folks ask my friends how I’m doing. What I’m feeling. If I’m plotting.

No one has asked ME, mind you.

What’s funny is that I catch the main asker whispering. A lot. And the conversation always stops when I walk in/past. Either it’s about me (doubtful — I don’t give people much to talk about) or problems/insecurities you don’t want confident, happy, secure Goddesses to overhear.

Maybe folks shouldn’t ask if they don’t want me inquiring right on back.



Rain in the rearview, sun in the front

May 18th, 2017, 6:36 PM by Goddess

Leaving the total gray sky and downpour behind in the rear view, literally …


And at the same time, seeing nothing but blue skies and no rain heading south. 

I took both photos within seconds of each other …


Only in Florida!



Morning mantra

May 18th, 2017, 7:52 AM by Goddess

At least I’m not a fighter for ISIL. 

At least I’m not in a sex-trafficking ring.  

At least I’m not living in a hollowed-out hospital in Aleppo. 

At least I don’t have Sean Spicer’s job.

At least I have a home. Even though the assholes upstairs go on benders every night and smash up the place and I drive as tired as can be every morning.  

That’s how I get through the day now.