Today: Refill with vodka

January 19th, 2017, 8:28 PM by Goddess

Same as it ever was

January 19th, 2017, 6:32 AM by Goddess

Had a bad dream. That mom was gone and I was working around the clock and I stopped to realize that I was too busy to miss her. 

I’m assuming that’s a weird side effect of it being sia’s birthday yesterday, her first not on this earth. But it scared me. 

I thought of mom in heaven, seeing me not thinking about her because I had a phone stuck to my head all morning and then staying late to catch up. 

It killed me because that’s how it is while she’s here. Although I think of her plenty. 

Another day like the one I just outlined ahead. So sad about Sia that I could just die myself. Please God, let folks give me space today. And every day but especially today. 

Today, deux

January 17th, 2017, 7:29 PM by Goddess

Today would have been Sia’s 32nd birthday.

She’s been on my mind all day. She’s never far from my mind, really.

Facebook Memories has her thanking me profusely for whatever I did for this birthday many years ago. In a way, it’s like she never really left. But then when you go to call …

I’ve reached out to her mom and sister. They don’t reach back. I figure I was close with her while they weren’t, and vice versa. We could fill in some blanks for each other.

But that’s how it works. Blanks don’t get filled. You don’t get to say goodbye and doors get slammed in your face, if you even get a door in the first place. (Which most don’t.)

I like to think the universe hates a void and works to fill it. A pet dies, you get another. A job ends, someone else who was dying to hire you finally gets the chance. A relationship ends, something better comes along. Right?

Not in my experience. You can be single for 40 years. No one to step in for friends who died or voted for Trump. (Same thing, really.) There’s no replacing a parent or a sibling who’s gone. And judging by how many people are sleeping on the streets because who the fuck can afford two grand for a studio down here, jobs don’t magically appear because you want one.

I tried to think of the best way to honor Sia today, since she’s gone and I’ve never had a friend like that before or since. And perhaps never will again.

Working 24 hours straight sounds about right.

But I went the other direction and left right before 6. Pile of unfinished work be damned.

This after an IM at 4:30:

White-on-white: I can’t finish that today. Almost quitting time.

Me: (I worked all weekend and only had yesterday off and I’m STILL behind and you won’t stay 15 extra minutes?)

Sia would have had a few choice words for the situation. I don’t care either way, honestly. I’ll regret leaving on-time-for-me tomorrow. Maybe. Or maybe I’ll be white-on-white and be perfectly fine feeding my mom at a reasonable hour and watching “This is Us” together like we love to do on Tuesdays.

Miss you, Sia. You were the only one out there just like me. With the disease to please. It took you. And I want to beat its ass for that. 

Love you, girl. So, so much love, today and forever. Knock Trump’s wig off for me, OK? I’ll know it’s you …


January 17th, 2017, 11:29 AM by Goddess

When the source of your anxiety is removed and you are STILL anxious AF.

It’s time to crack some skulls. And not my own.

Getting to leave at 5

January 15th, 2017, 3:16 PM by Goddess

What is, the best part of working on weekends.

I get the irony. But I do savor the fact that I can see daylight and get mom fed at a reasonable hour.

No working next weekend, though. I have a Women’s March to attend.