‘She could keep quiet, but she couldn’t lie’

July 24th, 2014, 8:25 PM by Goddess

Susan Lowenstein: “What did Savannah do after your mother burned her journals?”

Tom Wingo: “She took her fingers, and she wrote in the sand. And then she wrote in the air. She wrote poetry so mother wouldn’t understand it.”

Lowenstein: “In a sense, your mother helped to create a poet.”

Tom: “Bullshit, Lowenstein. She created a schizophrenic.”

Relevant to my interests.



‘Where will I be when I stop wondering why’

July 20th, 2014, 4:34 PM by Goddess

Every time I go to Orlando, it’s like going into the wayback machine.

Like, deja vu hits. Crazy shit happens that’s a sign of something else. I see people who look familiar and stir up old memories. And I feel so freakin’ melancholy midway through the trip that I cannot wait to leave.

I had three such instances this past weekend.

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I may talk about the others another day. The one that haunted me the whole drive home was when I was sitting at the pool and a good-looking guy caught my eye.

He looked familiar. From the hair to the jawline to the body to the smile … I had to do a triple-take.

He was playing in the fountains with a little boy, about 4 years old. I didn’t see a wedding ring. But there was a set of grandparents and maybe a sister with him.

When I say he caught my eye, I mean it exactly that way — HE caught MY eye. I was watching him and he was watching me watch HIM.

If I had the balls to go up and talk to him, we could be telling a love story at some point. I feel that strongly about it.

The thing is, he reminded me of someone I got over a long time ago.

And so I sat in the shallow end, watching him and thinking of someone a thousand-plus miles away. Wondering if he would have been a good husband … whether we’d had kids … and how good of a dad he probably would have been to our kids. That we’d probably have a timeshare like the one I was in. That he would have probably been the one certain thing in my upheaval-filled life.

The thing is, things wouldn’t have worked out that way. I was always too much of a live wire. A restless soul. A flirt. A “leaver.”

I mean, maybe I wouldn’t have been. Maybe I would have been blissful and happy to build that life with him.

But we all know me. And if it didn’t fall apart on its own, I would have likely found a way to burn it to the ground.

But seeing “him” being sweet and cute and amazing at an overpriced villa at the happiest place on earth, well, wow. The thought of “cheers-ing” with frozen mango coladas and being happy and tanned and relaxed — maybe during an extraordinary week in an otherwise-ordinary life — haunts me still.

“Your story’s completed. Mine it’s a long way from done.” — Sister Hazel, “Champagne High”



And we wonder why ‘I Drove All Night’ is one of my theme songs

July 18th, 2014, 2:10 PM by Goddess

I must look tired. A friend at a different division of the company said I should suggest renaming it “Round-the-Clock Publishing.”

It’s … not a bad idea!

It’s been one of those days where I was so stressed out that I ate my snacks for tonight’s road trip by 9:30 a.m.

Now I’m just tired and crabby and mad that I didn’t bring my laptop because I can’t LEAVE at a reasonable hour and go work from my destination.



Maybe I should just aim to disappoint, and be the best at it in the whole wide world

July 17th, 2014, 12:49 PM by Goddess

There’s a certain comfort in knowing that no matter what you do, you will always be disappointing someone. Because, consistency.

I don’t write in my private journal often enough, but tonight I will. I wonder how much money I could get for it, if I decided to auction it off.

I’ve found some unlikely allies recently. Lately that’s been holding me together, when people I don’t know/hang out with are saying amongst themselves that I am a rock star.

Perhaps they could share with more than just me?



Words to live by

July 17th, 2014, 6:52 AM by Goddess

My friend quoted her yoga teacher yesterday and it stuck with me:

“Take 5 minutes to meditate each day. If you can’t spare 5 minutes, take an hour.”

I am so overwhelmed with everything right now. Pre-40 Goddess would have worked all night. Because, deadlines. Post-40 Goddess busted her ass as hard and as long as she could before delirium set in.

Now I have the stomach cramps from being even more behind than usual.

But that’s the thing. I’m always behind. No matter how much I do or how fast I do it.

I was in bed by 10 p.m. last night and damn it, I not only needed it but I EARNED it.

The only inevitability beyond death and taxes is that there will always be more people to disappoint tomorrow (today). At least I won’t be too tired while I do it!