The more things change

December 17th, 2014, 8:58 AM by Goddess

Everyone always asks me what it’s going to take for me to crack.

I will admit, yesterday almost did it. It wasn’t a bad day but I’m collapsing under the weight of it all and no one to give it to.

Add in a really nasty cold, and the fact that I live in a dump and work in an almost as dumpy building with dust and yuck and muck everywhere. My lungs are unforgiving.

And boy howdy.

That’s the thing. How do you get your physical/emotional health back when the conditions never change?!?!

I took down my last post. In fact, most times I write about my helper, I end up trashing it.

It’s not that I care if said person would find said missives. Honestly they probably wouldn’t even recognize themselves. The problem with this world truly is that the intelligent are full of doubt and the cocksure are oblivious to the fact that their place is not always in the first category.

So, I’m going to try to be a grown-up going forward and keep my incredulity to myself.

The good news is I will get some more help next week. The bad news is now I will have a bunch of nice people who did not aspire to Goddess-level greatness and therefore there is no guarantee that it will rub off on them if they are not wholly receptive to it.

There is one employee at the home office I want. I’m putting it out into the universe that I want this person because I. Want. This. Person.

Or someone really damn close.

And preferably a little cheaper, although we see how that works out.

I think that’s the root of my anger. Hiring at gunpoint. Knowing expansion is looming and being instructed to bring in a warm body and to deal with quickening its pulse later.

Expansion is happening again and we’re just not ready. And I can’t get my health back long enough to get ready.

The only solution is for me to do it all until I can’t anymore.

And while I haven’t cracked yet, I’m really afraid I am closer to that point than I’ve ever been.



‘Stop calling it a vacation’

December 16th, 2014, 8:35 AM by Goddess

Warning: Meltdown ahead.

As Mom so eloquently said:

“You worked 55 hours last week … and did your other stuff … and didn’t sleep … and worked ahead … and worked while you were gone … and worked when you came back … and had to pack a lifetime into a weekday and a weekend day … would you stop even referring to that as a vacation?”

On top of it, when I booked the trip I was worried about Ebola. Honest to God I feel like I contracted it in the airport. I feel/look like hammered shit.

It’s probably the not-sleeping thanks to the overwork and the exposed nerve in the back of my mouth that has left my immune system helpless.

But while I’ve said a thousand times in my head that I am grateful for the mess that is my life that let me afford this small slice of something wonderful, if you look at it from Mom’s eyes, she’s right.

It’s bullshit that I have to kill myself to get what others are entitled to … that *I* am entitled to.

I’m going to be out again Monday. Maybe Tuesday. Haven’t decided. Either way it’s back to killing myself for one lousy day to myself.

And maybe after that I can get these damn wisdom teeth extracted. You know, in my copious amounts of free time.

Something has to give and I am really tired of it being me.



Back to life, back to reality

December 14th, 2014, 9:48 PM by Goddess

So I went from screaming toothache pain on Wednesday to honestly feeling zero pain for the past few days.

And then tonight, back in reality, the screaming ache has started again. Even worse.

This feels appropriate for some reason.



Joy to my world

December 14th, 2014, 8:46 AM by Goddess

Five things making me happy today:

1. Being so far off the grid that only one person has any earthly idea where I spent my first “vacation” day in years.

2. Perfect days

3. “Sweet Caroline”

4. Priority boarding

5. The number 10



‘Just close your eyes and you can see that we are where we’re meant to be’

December 12th, 2014, 8:00 AM by Goddess

Pre-blogging this weekend in song. Because the further I stay away from a computer (notwithstanding the work I have to do because I wouldn’t forgive myself for what would happen if I didn’t), the happier I’ll be.

“Baby fall into my kiss
It should just happen like this
Trust it so much that there’s no one else but us and
This moment that says it’s so right
‘Cause that’s all we have in this life
Drink up this love, baby, give it all we got tonight.”

George Strait, “Give It All We Got Tonight”