250

January 18th, 2018, 8:42 PM by Goddess

I got a call for an interview the other day. To a company I’d applied to back in November when I was originally put out on the street.

Although I am gratefully rehired, I took the call out of curiosity. Loved the interviewer. Loved the company. Love the location, the product, you name it.

Too bad I came off as a total idiot.

Accepting the call while at work was my first mistake. Hard to be in your mental happy place when it’s not necessarily your physical happy place. But I tried.

Then, she said look. You’re a director. This is mid-level. It “only” pays (she named a figure just below my current range).

“As a director,” she said, “you are probably making, like, what? About $250,000?”

When I hung up, I burst straight into tears. Their mid-level is what I’ve aspired my whole life to achieve. The director level should really be 250? Sweet Baby Jesus. Fuck you, LVP, for saying I was “expensive.” When YOU were making exactly that.

The job was a good fit but not a great one. I have all the editorial experience and then some that they could ever dream of. The marketing, I’m rusty at. Rusty, not brain-dead.

Although it probably didn’t help that, post-250, I might have let a lot of things come tumbling out of my mouth that I shouldn’t have.

Yeah. Totes awks.

In any event, I haven’t sent a thank-you. I have the letter written in my mind. She already said she loved my cover letter. I know exactly how to follow up.

But I’m not ready to let go of that spark of hope that I had for one brief, shining moment that maybe just maybe there’s a fun change just ahead of me. Especially if my sneaking suspicions are true that LVP might come back. Forget fun — I’ll just be wishing for bearable, if that prediction comes true.

Two-fifty. Damn. I will never get over that.



About a Void

January 14th, 2018, 1:35 PM by Goddess

Man, folks be crawling out the woodwork here.

I had the most satisfying de-friending of my life. (Not even a tRump voter this time!) And not five fucking minutes later, another authority figure from my past sent me a friend request.

I mean, I de-friended THAT person at least twice. And I keep rejecting her overtures.

Both of them can have each other. They will use and abuse you and tell you you’re worthless and then not pay you not even what you’re worth, but what you agreed to settle for.

It’s like the universe cannot stand a void and seeks to fill it.

Well, that cavern is remaining wide open. And I am moving a third person to my post-Trump list for stalking me on behalf of the first one. Eff dat shit.

The post-Trump list is probation. It’s also a springboard into the “dead to me” files. That second bitch is pretty bad if I won’t even upgrade her ass on THAT one.

As for the LVP I started typing about today, they behaved exactly as deplorably as I predicted. I’m super-glad I stood up for myself and refused to be the enabler this time.

Hope the third person either wises up or bleeds them dry. Either way, really, is fine by me. I am the real winner in the scenario if I never have to hear someone’s name again for as long as I live unless it’s associated with “karma being as big a bitch as you are.”



At least I didn’t have to die

January 11th, 2018, 8:49 PM by Goddess

“Gritting your teeth, you hold onto me
It’s never enough, I’m never complete
Tell me to prove, expect me to lose
I push it away, I’m trying to move
Hoping for more, and wishing for less
When I didn’t care was when I did best
I’m desperate to run, I’m desperate to leave
If I lose it all, at least I’ll be free.”

— Broods, “Free”

When my bosses came to me with really, the worst idea ever, I said, “Over my dead body will I (insert what I was asked to do).”

For the girl who did everything asked of her, and then some, for the past six years (40 years, but who’s counting?), they were stunned.

I didn’t elaborate. But come on over to my desk (and everybody does because I’m hilarious), and I will HAPPILY fill you in.

We all had a good old time today when I did what I needed to do for a long time. Not what was asked of me. But what I should have done to prevent that even being an option in the first place.

I told the bosses about it. Like I’d said, over my dead body. Now that is no longer an option because there are literally no choices in the matter left. The one said, “OK” and we talked about that nitwit Trump’s nitwit “shithole” comment instead.

I mean, really, it’s their problem. It always was. I’m sorry I can’t help. And I’m grateful that I don’t have to explain why #timesup on this particular “thing.”

“I have lived my life so perfectly
Kept to all my lines so carefully
I’d lose everything so I can sing
Hallelujah, I’m free
I’m free, I’m free
I’m free, I’m free, I’m free
Hallelujah, I’m free.”

I asked my friend if I could be fired for this. She said who knows. But wouldn’t it be worth it to never, ever have to even think about it ever again?

It’s a good day to be me.



‘We all get to meet God at some point’

January 11th, 2018, 5:47 AM by Goddess

Instead of bitching about the lying sack of shit who bugged my office and still thinks I’ll jump upon request and that I am keeping folks from worshiping him after he treated THEM like garbage, too …

I’ll type about something that made me cry in a GOOD way today.

“When I was a child, it was up to me to feed our family because my father couldn’t work. I had a job at a motorcycle repair shop. Everyone would sit at home and wait for me to make money. Once we almost ran out of food. We didn’t have a single rupee and there was nothing to eat. I could handle it, but I couldn’t bear the thought of my baby sister going to sleep hungry. I sat at my shop all day, praying for a customer. But nobody came. Then just as night was falling, a man drove up with a puncture in his tire. The price of the repair was three rupees. But when I was finished, the man handed me twenty rupees and drove away. I was able to buy two kilograms of rice. My entire life turned around that day. My shop became very busy. We were never hungry again. Even today I think about that man. I never saw his face. He changed not just my life, but the lives of my entire family. I wonder who he was. Sometimes I think it was God himself.” (Mumbai, India)

A post shared by Humans of New York (@humansofny) on My favorite comment is that “We all get to meet God at some point. We just don’t know it.” For the story writer, it was the customer whose generosity changed his fortune.

I think we all get to meet Satan at some point. (See “bugged office.” Also see, “that’s why everyone but me was allowed to work from home so he could whack off to the sound of my silence.”)

But I do think God is one of us. Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus. Hey that might make for a great song!

This one hit me hard because that’s me — I take care of the family.

I always knew I’d be the one to do that. I knew I had to get a good education and a good job because the buck would stop here sooner rather than later.

That’s why I get so enraged about certain stuff. I’ll be fine. You don’t get to damage me beyond the shorter term. But anything that messes with my personal economy and my FAMILY, it’s on like Donkey Kong.

But I say all of this to say I think I saw God yesterday. Details forthcoming. But I am looking very forward to being able to say that life has some good surprises in store, and not just for those who don’t deserve them.



Don’t go away mad. Just go away

January 8th, 2018, 8:38 PM by Goddess

Dude.

Seriously.

Holla’ing at MY friend, to bitch about ME and claim that I somehow am singlehandedly keeping you from relaunching the business you flashed your bare ass at …

And somehow claiming it’s ALL MY FAULT …

Seriously.

Dude.

Not that any of us believe it will work this time. You burned everyone who made it work.

But I love that you give me all this power.

Especially when I spent years giving mine up to you.

You are the REASON for the #metoo movement.

I have zero desire to hear of you whining that I somehow am hurting you. No need to suddenly give me credit for the first time. But hey, thanks.