Caterwauling

That thing I said earlier about dysfunctional relationships being the most honest … I meant it. 

You know to temper your expectations. 

You don’t have to lie to anyone if you don’t want to. 

You let them be totally honest because, really, are they being honest in their real lives? Probably not. Maybe they’re deliciously kinky. Why let that go to waste?

And maybe they’re not telling you the whole truth. But it’s their truth. Or what they want you to believe about them. 

In any event, there’s a certain magic that happens when you can be completely unguarded around someone. Clothes and other disguises scattered about. Pick them up off the floor when you leave. 

I miss that. I miss that moment inside the snow globe. That moment of being vulnerable but not feeling vulnerable. That moment of feeling invincible when outside that globe you’re anything but. 

Sometimes you can go back. Even if you’re in there by yourself. 

I think I let that hopeful part of me die earlier this year. But it was more that I lost hope about certain things rather than everything. 

Lately it’s been hard to keep my head up. But even if all this — *waves hand around at what’s left* — ends, I’ll still be OK. 

I dint know what comes next. But it’s got to be something. And I’m pretty certain that everyone who has been touched by my magic won’t forget it. 

It’s high time I started using my powers for good … my own good. 

And that is my truth. 

It occurs to me that my most-dysfunctional relationships appear to be the most-honest ones. 

I mean, boys are yucky. And they lie. And they are high-maintenance and want to get laid all the time. 

Which, hey, I can live with. Not the lying but I’d rather be contorting myself into unnatural positions a few times a day rather than wondering where else they’re getting it if I’m not providing it. 

In any event, I wonder whether I’m loath to bring new people into my life because there’s only room for one all-consuming job in my life. 

I’ve been making a lot of posts lately and pulling them down minutes later. I think as long as I get to “scream” for a second, I’m fine.

But I do want to take a minute to thank the universe for some divine timing and help.

My best writer left the company. I was able to call the second-best writer I know in the entire field, and hire him to succeed my guy.

The stars aligned. The boss liked my pick. The new guy has assimilated quickly, and we had transition time between the two guys to truly pass the baton.

And both happen to think I am awesome. Which bodes well for asking them to grant wishes on command. They do so with a smile!

So, I just want to take a few moments to be grateful. That’s all. Thank you, Universe. You really had my back on this one.

If my two friends didn’t take me to lunch yesterday, this birthday would have otherwise passed like any other. 

The restaurant gave us a vanilla fig cake on the house. Think pineapple-upside-down cake with figs.

Which, OMG. The whipped cream was worth the price of admission.

When I blew out my candle, I looked at my girls and thanked God for them — and I wished to always be surrounded by amazing people.

I got to thinking about the asshole couple upstairs that beats on/screams at each other … and their two kids.

I also got to thinking about some others who have caused me stress. Or rather who I stressed out over. God knows they probably had no clue.

And I got to thinking about a whole lot of summers ago when I snuffed out what could have been a life from my own body.

I always feel like I owe him/her so much. That I have to live well and make something of my life.

To make it worthwhile that I’m spending my time with useful others, doing useful things.

That I didn’t give him/her up just to waste time with those who were lucky (too lucky) to make it to the world. When he/she wasn’t.

Yeah. Not so much.

If the haters and anti-choicers are right and you are indeed a murderer … well.

When you’ve already taken the life of someone you would have loved, why should you have to waste time with people who aren’t worthy of your presence?

Fell asleep late after noisy neighbors stopped fighting. 

Awakened in a rage, wondering how many more times people can act like fools before I can do something about it. 

Fed the cat because she knew I was up and proceeded to howl like her tail was ablaze. 

Thanked God for letting me have my mom for another birthday. 

Wondered why I have to spend so much time with fuckups when my mom deserves my time and energy so much more. 

Ever go through a breakup so bad, with the other person creating so much drama and havoc in your life, that for a brief moment you wonder whether you should have just stayed there and been slightly less miserable?

Of course, in the end it was worth suffering a lot of pain all at once for the sweet, sweet freedom that resulted.

Going through it again now. It’s the breakup that never ends.

I don’t wish anybody ill. I just wish them gone.

Speaking of gone, my Evil Plan is stalled and I think I’m going to lose my shit if my birthday gift (Monday) isn’t filled with the celebration of being free once and for all.

So I’ve been hatching an Evil Plan.

I mean, if it works, my problems are over.

In one area of my life, anyway.

I lined up all the dominoes. Everything could work.

Except …

The source of all these problems does not seem to be going along with the plan.

I have to do something fast, before really happy people get put behind bars for the murder they want to commit.

It was one thing when it was my problem. Now that it is “our” problem, I can’t just stand by and try to make it better. I HAVE to make it better.

And if they don’t take the very, very attractive option in front of them, this isn’t over.

Unfortunately for me. For now. But better for everyone in the long run.

It’s time for everything to start coming up Goddess.

“It’s a drop in the ocean
A change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might
End up together.”

— Ron Pope, “A Drop in the Ocean”

I have a friend who is pretty vocal that she’s angry at the universe. She wants her man. She wants babies. She wants her happily ever after. Where is it?

We talk offline from time to time. I don’t say those sorts of things publicly. Mostly because I don’t necessarily feel that way. But she said she can see through some of my overly happy social media posts.

She knows I’m just as baffled by the universe as she is that we’re 40, single and deserving of SO MUCH MORE.

My friend says Mother’s Day is bittersweet. Because, reasons.

For me I had a hard week. And while I do have “a person,” I long ago came to terms with the fact that being BFFs and being “THE” person are two different things. And it made me sad that things aren’t different.

Add to that watching a stranger’s wedding. Add to THAT shopping for two very dear girls in my life who are having their first babies. Plus consider how sick my mom is, and how she lit up in all the baby stores, and try not to feel like ass.

I give my friend credit for putting her frustration with the universe out there. But I think we’re a little different.

She wants her fairy tale ending. I want as many fairy tales as I can cram into this life.

I just wonder whether I’ve closed myself off to both.

I’m not waiting for different. At least, I don’t think I am.

I’m waiting for better. Whatever that is.

And still I wait. …

It wasn’t a rotten week. But I’ve certainly had better. 

Drove to my happy place yesterday. I always say I would want to get married on Deerfield Beach and have my reception at the Beach Club on the Lake Worth golf course. 

Anyway I saw people setting up a wedding. Took a few snapshots for my mental scrapbook …

And just a quick reason why I love the Beach Club in Lake Worth …