‘I’m holding you closer than most’

“It’s a drop in the ocean
A change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might
End up together.”

— Ron Pope, “A Drop in the Ocean”

I have a friend who is pretty vocal that she’s angry at the universe. She wants her man. She wants babies. She wants her happily ever after. Where is it?

We talk offline from time to time. I don’t say those sorts of things publicly. Mostly because I don’t necessarily feel that way. But she said she can see through some of my overly happy social media posts.

She knows I’m just as baffled by the universe as she is that we’re 40, single and deserving of SO MUCH MORE.

My friend says Mother’s Day is bittersweet. Because, reasons.

For me I had a hard week. And while I do have “a person,” I long ago came to terms with the fact that being BFFs and being “THE” person are two different things. And it made me sad that things aren’t different.

Add to that watching a stranger’s wedding. Add to THAT shopping for two very dear girls in my life who are having their first babies. Plus consider how sick my mom is, and how she lit up in all the baby stores, and try not to feel like ass.

I give my friend credit for putting her frustration with the universe out there. But I think we’re a little different.

She wants her fairy tale ending. I want as many fairy tales as I can cram into this life.

I just wonder whether I’ve closed myself off to both.

I’m not waiting for different. At least, I don’t think I am.

I’m waiting for better. Whatever that is.

And still I wait. …

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