Caterwauling

Paranormal activity continues. I’m about to call an exorcist. Or the man named Judy who owns a biker bar. Whatever it will take to cure my heartburn. 

In good news, I was surfing the MLS and I saw a three-day-old listing for the upstairs apartment. Lawd have mercy and praise Jesus. 

The photos are wrong. But I see the HOA used the same set of photos to advertise eight other units. Anyway. 2409 is on the list of 25 open units. 

I probably won’t get any sleep again tonight. And forget taking a nap. I haven’t had a nap in seven months thanks to them. But at this point, I’ll settle for not having to breathe into a bag. Preferably plastic so the nightmare ends, one way or another. 

I feel like I’ve been lied to. Thundercunt and Big Giant Pussy and Fraggle and Baby Who Cries Like Daddy are stomping, screaming and dropping shit like their life depends on it. 

I saw ugly furniture tossed downstairs yesterday. I saw more shit down there today. 

I have been telling myself they must be cleaning. But they barely wash their asses. I can’t imagine them wanting to un-trash that house. 

They sound like they roll oil drums and drag pallets all around those new wood floors. And I can tell you the only rugs they have are bathmat-sized, since they hang those filthy things over their balcony. 

I had a nervous breakdown today. I’m talking full-on yam fit. In public. I have wasted seven months feeling like these fuckballs are in my house with me. I can’t do five more. 

Here’s the thing. I gave away my Samantha. Stewie needs to go to the glue factory sooner rather than later but I don’t want a car payment. Mom is falling apart and she still doesn’t have healthcare and I don’t use mine because I feel guilty. I have shit in storage in Pittsburgh I need to somehow bring down here. 

In other words, I already moved. I cannot put moving back on top of my to-do list. Everyone’s looking at me to solve every problem and I am a sobbing ball of anxiety. 

I try to remind myself I have an income. A payday will arrive this week and, God willing, again two weeks after that. 

I don’t blame the thud muffins for this place being so shittily built. I do however HATE them for knowing they are obnoxious and taking pride in it. 

I mean, it sounds like they are nailing crosses together up there right now. And playing basketball. 

I want to go up there and reenact a slasher film. No survivors. 

They don’t sound like they are going anywhere. And I think I’m going insane. 

Pray for me and mom, if you’re so inclined. 

Those fuckers upstairs’ lease was up yesterday. But I awakened to screaming at 5 a.m. per usue and now music is thumping. 

Now my heart is pounding — again, per usue — and I’m wide awake. 

My seven-month nightmare apparently has not come to an end. The only thing left to do is pray they overstayed their welcome by one day. And to hire an exorcist. 

I hear the crazies are still upstairs, slamming the doors and windows. Sigh. I saw all their ugly discarded furniture on the curb under the “no dumping” sign. With any luck, their bed is gone and they will go to it. 

So hey it’s Halloween, yes? I was a cat in the morning and a bat for the night …

Thundercunts are go(ing)!

The rumble in the upstairs jungle lasted all day. At one point it sounded like Loser opened some packed boxes. Nae-Nae caught him and erupted like Mount Vesuvius. Per usual. 

But now … Silence. It’s 10:30 and …nothing. No banging, no music, no f-bombs, no blubbering, no oil drums being rolled, no sliding-glass doors being slammed and no coffins being dragged along the floor. 

That doesn’t mean it will stay calm. But, you know, the stillness is nothing short of miraculous. 

I’ll still leave my tv on tonight anyway. Loud. They’ve fooled me before. I’m not taking any chances. 

11 p.m — Spoke too soon. Stomping ahoy.  And screaming. God damn it. It’s just another ordinary night. Carry on. 

Just one day, you know? I want to not fall asleep to screaming and music, just one day. I want to not awaken to screaming and banging just one day. I want my nerves to not be shot for just one day. 

This morning they’ve been up there dropping f-bombs and shouting “you move out” and “no you move out.”

Listen bitches. You are both moving out. Tomorrow. So get the fuck out, both of youse. Today if you could. That’d be great. 

Lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did listening to Baby Who Cries Like Daddy howling.  

Beats listening to Nae-Nae screaming at Big Giant Pussy about his “whore” like we were treated to yesterday. For hours. 

Bitch keep droppin’ shit on mah ceiling. You’re out in three days, ho. You best be dropping it into cardboard boxes. 

Toodles, twunt. 

Apparently Thundercunt discovered that sweet, quiet, polite and giggling Lucy was at the hizzouse the other night. Because she came home yesterday and screamed the whole day. We even heard her tell Big Giant Pussy to get out again.

I’ve decided to call her Nae-Nae, after that horrible song with the lyric, “Watch me nae-nae (OK!).”

You’d think BGP would gladly separate from her. But I know men who left hideous women for sweet, wonderful, darling people like me. And then went right back to those who made them feel two inches tall and one inch long. Ahem.

In any event, less screaming and more packing, Nae-Nae.

I saw Big Giant Pussy today. He didn’t see me. I’ve been hoping to end this adventure without being in their line of sight. 

After all, they aren’t taking responsibility for being horrid residents. They probably blame me for being one of the complainers about them. 

I actually stopped calling the landlord, cops, security and the HOA after I realized A) all are useless and B) after I confronted them. 

Perhaps I should have stayed on it, lest they could make the case that they’ve learned to behave. But I have zero plans to renew my lease and it doesn’t need to be my fight anymore. 

However, I will be very happy if/when they remove their dirty doormat. And it is my dream that the place remains unrented for the remaining five months on my lease. 

I’m tired of not asking and not receiving. I’m asking. Please grant me ongoing peace and health and wealth. Blessed be. Damn it.