Caterwauling

Everything changed. In a good way.

Five things making me happy today:

1. Being so far off the grid that only one person has any earthly idea where I spent my first “vacation” day in years.

2. Perfect days

3. “Sweet Caroline”

4. Priority boarding

5. The number 10

36 hours till my flight leaves.

No more mom being upset that I don’t have time to talk to her and she has nobody else to talk to.

No more evil landlady and her daily threatening “final notices” in my door yet the same asshole leaving the notes won’t knock and fix what’s broken.

No more job I used to love till I made a bad hire and now I just feel contempt that I work twice as hard to achieve even less.

I wish I could say no more screaming toothache. But it’s not like I have competent coverage to aid me in hanging out at the dentist for a day. See previous item.

God I hope my little black cloud doesn’t follow me out of Miami Thursday morning …

8 p.m. Still at work. Watched the town Christmas tree lighting ceremony from our balcony. Wishing I were frolicking among the crowd instead of working.

Worked the weekend and I’m still in a crisis state. Just did all I could and am waiting on the kid.

I yelled at him yesterday. He asked if he should do something. I said no because it would fuck up our e-commerce.

He did it anyway. I’m talking boneheaded mistake. I raged. Like asked on what planet he thought that would be a good idea. That I needed to hear that answer.

I didn’t think he’d come back today. I may have been hopeful about that.

It’s better today. He tries. Nobody tries harder. I just don’t get why repetition doesn’t work.

I leave for my “vacation” on this day next week. I am disappointed that he can’t cover me. But maybe I’ll have time for a glass of wine with my favorite person and that will justify the trip.

Ok I hope more than a glass of wine is all I get to enjoy. But aiming high didn’t get me anywhere.

After 8 p.m. Just closed the laptop on this day the company isn’t even open. And I’m still not caught up. But I achieved more alone than I would have otherwise. So I’ll call it a good day. Even though, well …

This is all I have to say right now.

Funny how anytime you start to feel kind of happy, you get reminded of your place in the universe.

It doesn’t really concern me that I’m not on top of anyone’s or anything’s priority list right now.

But not being able to be at the top of my own because of everyone and everything else will never fail to surprise me.

Busiest day of the week and I have lunch and drinking plans. Which, normal people get to do. Not Goddesses. Not without paying for it in some way.

I got to thinking this morning about the butterfly effect. Now, I’m not a believer in going back to a moment that could have changed everything because that means all the good that has happened since that moment never would have happened.

But … every now and again when you’re juggling 82 projects but have a rare moment of stillness when each is out of your hands because you’ve done all you could … you think about what other happy moments you might have enjoyed instead IF ONLY (fill in the blank).

And while I will never, ever, never ever EVER let my mind get too far out of my incessant control … and I’m certainly living in the now and not the what-was-and-what-wasn’t … I wonder if I would have been squirming for daylight (as is my way) or would I have been happy (and I would never have developed “my way” in the first place).

Imagine, a Goddess without a restless soul. Of course, I don’t think that could ever happen. So, I’ll take the butterflies in my belly whenever I can get them and let others have the “what ifs.”

I’d rather keep defining my existence by “Hey, let’s try this next.” It’s a lonely life, but generally never a boring one.

Well I have officially destroyed everyone and everything in my path.

Funny thing about keeping a journal since high school.

You can go back and figure out the exact day your mind started rewriting history.

I remember the doe-eyed girl with the hopeless crush. I’d forgotten the hurt. Oh boy is it there.

But my resilience by sheer force of will … Damn. The 19-year-old version of me was pretty kickass.

I need to process this. Because, reasons.

Gotta love being in the midst of exchanging seductive texts and your night-owl colleague hits you up with five texts right over what’s supposed to give you a sweet dream.