Caterwauling

I was pondering some stuff today and realized I don’t know anything and I’m not particularly good at anything. Which probably means it’s time to run a company and have kids. Let them be special. 

Then someone says to me, if only we were as encouraging to ourselves as we are to others. How the better among us can find a kind word for absolutely anyone. We can even forgive people who go to jail or otherwise fuck up pretty bad. But why can’t we extend the same grace to ourselves for even the most minor things?

I decided I’m not just part of the sandwich generation, but I’m a Cuban. Pressed and toasted within an inch of my life. So what if I don’t have a kid. Parent, pet, livelihood and trying to take care of me. Ham, pork, bread and pickle. Pretty tasty overall but can’t satisfy everyone. 

I still wonder what I’m going to be great at. Just happy that I still have time and a little bit of spunk left to find out. 

Of course, I shouldn’t call myself a Cuban too loud. Donald Trump would deport me.

I’ve written and abandoned a thousand posts in the last month. 

There’s so much to say. So many things I’ve learned. And I want to be jealous with my time. With my thoughts. With my wisdom. 

I never used to be that way and I hope it’s just a phase. Because if there’s that small chance someone will identify or use that info they learn to treat someone else better, it’s worth it. 

But at the point they will treat me worse for it, well. Time to get a little jealous with what I have to offer. At least for now. 

I will say this. Since I got my first job in 1990 at age 16, I’ve believed in giving everything to it. And making friends and family less than secondary. 

Here’s the thing. I’ve had so many lousy friends and useless family members and screwy relationships that it didn’t matter. 

And I learned to be an absent friend too. To the bad ones and unfortunately the good ones too. It’s a hard habit to break. 

The thing is though, you need relationships. You can’t treat them as a distraction from what gives you the cash to afford to enjoy or otherwise take care of them. 

In any event, I’m gaining a new appreciation for people again. Doesn’t mean I’ll be named friend of the year anytime soon. Also doesn’t mean I’ll become a better person overnight. But you know. I’m one step closer. And that’s got to count for something.