Caterwauling

My new view

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Ever the overachiever, it’s not enough for me to fail at one job … I have to bomb at three!

I think I’m a wee bit overcommitted right now. I really need the safety of multiple income streams. But I’m taking half-assing things to a whole new level. Why can’t THAT count as “excelling at something”?

Tomorrow is my very first payday in a year. Sweet merciful Jesus. Please, God, let me make a habit of getting those again!

What I really want is someone to talk to, and go out and have fun with. (And yes, I’m aware I owe ALL OF YOU a call, text, e-mail, smoke signal, gift, edit, article or whatever else.) Just, someone who knows everything and doesn’t need a backstory.

I lost that person this summer and I’m feeling the void. (Of course, I have also gained two hours a day that we’re not on the phone, so there’s my daily commute.)

Actually, I’m thinking it’s time to think about meeting someone special. Of course, every time I start to think about that, I put it aside and focus on everything else. Because, let’s face it, that means having to do some work on myself. And I’ve put off that work for WAY too long to keep delaying it.

I guess that would mean having to give up a job. Oh well. It would be worth it, to have something to look forward to other than payday.

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Even though I blather in this space about the New Job, I haven’t told all that many people about it.

I explained to some friends the other night that it’s my equivalent of a pregnancy. I am excited but I also do not want to jinx it. I do not want to find myself in the position of having to explain where it went should it happen to not work out.

So for now my social media status is still freelance. And I kind of like not having too many people know where to find me, you know? All anyone needs to know is that I will be OK.

I just wonder what it will take to make me feel secure. Probably a favorable annual review. Or a decade anniversary. Good thing I do not have a kid — I’d probably introduce it to the world when it turns 33!

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Big paw

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Work is great. I look forward to starting my second week tomorrow. I could see myself being there for quite some time.

A whole lot of new expenses have just arisen, which makes me reticent to withdraw from all my income sources right now. So I’m exhausted all the time with a schedule that isn’t sustainable.

I figure, other people have kids; I have jobs. But why do I still feel so scared about money? How do other people do this?

I also have a little project that Mom and I do together sometimes. Now that I get out of the house daily, I do it on my own, too. It involves a little time and a little money, on a daily basis.

I’m sick of donating to a system that doesn’t take care of everyone who needs something. So I’m adopting my own little corner of the world to take care of.

I cry every day at how unfair life is for so many — truly I do. And sure, maybe I shed a piteous tear for myself in there sometimes. But even when things have been at their hardest for me, I’ve been able to pay forward some good, even if it’s just a little tiny bit.

Life’s been good to me. Even if I’m too paranoid to see it sometimes.

Mom reminded me tonight that I have a hard time feeling like I deserve anything good happening to me. I’m always looking for the bucket of water over the door frame, to ruin it all. Even though you’ll never meet anyone who tries harder than me, I always feel like I fall short.

It’s funny. I hoped and prayed so hard for this next phase of my life to arrive. And now that it’s here, the uncertainty has only just begun in earnest.

Oh well. I’m not the smartest person or the quickest learner or the most clever or creative, but I am the sincerest pumpkin in the patch. And I’ll do the best I can. Maybe someday, for someone, that will be enough. Perhaps even for me, too. …

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Having a job is lovely. And it seems like a wonderful place. Yay Goddess. It’s like the southern campus of Ye Olde Employment Establishment from D.C. — thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God. (I can’t say it enough!)

I would have had my “up North” interview today. I’m glad I didn’t go. Maybe I took the path of least resistance, but I also could have NOT gotten the job after the trip, nor had this one, for that matter. So, I win.

Today I had to deal with a sorta-not-really friend-type on Facebook. So I made a stupid comment about that dumb fuck Michelle Bachmann. So he thought it was “ugly” and that “I should be ashamed of myself.”

Um, fuck him.

I deleted his comment, since I really don’t give a fuck about what he thinks. So he left another comment reminding me of what he said and commanding me to either defend my comment or delete the original post.

So I deleted HIM.

Who the hell has time to go follow up on people’s pages to see what they did with your comments? Dude, I have a JOB again. Perhaps I can recommend other people getting one and not poking the penguin?

Seriously, nobody tells me to be ashamed of myself. That puts you right on the “dead to me” list right next to the person who told me that work I did (for which I haven’t been paid, BTW) was “sloppy copy.”

I do enough to beat myself up, thanks. I don’t need to hear unsolicited opinions, especially when they REITERATE them in hopes of — what? — provoking a fight? Not worth it. Another body on the pile. Zee end.

I recall a friend who got mad at me a few years ago for referring to certain Republicans as “Repugs.” Which I thought was clever. But at least my friend said, hey look, you’re smarter than an insult. You can defend your position without resorting to name-calling. Don’t stoop to their level.

I love him for that.

So who is today’s yin-yang to egg me on? Fuck him. Really. Hope he doesn’t tell his kids he’s ashamed of them. (Another damn Repug … er, yeah, fuck it. Repug.)

Anyway, job. Yay job. I still have some freelance on the side. I stay up late, wake up super-early, do the long-ass commute both ways and actually achieve some tasks while I’m out there. I rule!

I don’t know how much longer I can sustain this schedule, though. I guess some people come home and spend time with their kids or whatever. I spend it trying to make up for the jobs that are apparently never going to pay me.

I’ve lost a lot of friends in the past few weeks. More like, they lost ME. None of them will ever get it. It’s not the insults or the money or the lack thereof. It’s the lies. That’s why I’ve deleted some other folks from my circle, not for reasons THEY seem to believe. Of course, not that I feel like explaining that, either. …

And that’s why I have no patience for anyone or anything. If you’re gonna waste my time, just leave. Here, I’ll show you the door. Wait, let me get my shitkickers on first…

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If bad things happen in threes, consider the first job I got when I moved to Florida, then the second one, and then the last year spent freelancing. Ergo, my next employment endeavor should be paradise, yes?

I just got the plane ticket cancellation notification for the faraway prince. He’s none too happy. And I don’t blame him.

There was this new freelance gig that surfaced when I was at the nadir of my interviewing spree. And I told him upfront that I was on the job warpath. I also purposely dropped off the earth for long periods of time between e-mails — I didn’t want to say yes to him when I really wanted to say yes to anybody else.

And now he’s furious with me. Which was a bad bridge to burn. Not to mention the guy who put us in touch — I don’t ever want to disappoint him. Which I have. And that bothers me.

I hate that I go from feeling like I can conquer the world to feeling like I can’t make a decision to save my life. I don’t regret, per se, blowing off Freelance Guy. (I didn’t have a good feeling about working with him, and after having friends screw me over in Freelance Land, I don’t have a lot of faith that a perfect stranger would treat me any better.) But I feel like I could have handled it better.

The problem is that my field is so small, and my reputation is my everything, that I don’t want people out there thinking I suck.

I’ve spent the weekend with lots of friends, being stuffed full of good food and pumped up with stories of what makes me awesome to them (and what would make me awesome to the prince I’m about to wed tomorrow morning at 9 a.m.). And yet I still manage to reduce myself to the failure pile over someone I didn’t even feel the need to impress in the first place.

I need to snap out of this funk, and fast. Because life really isn’t all that bad. I was in line behind a guy at CVS who was trying (for like 10 minutes) to buy photos. The cashier was telling him that he only had $9 left in his account and the cost was $12.

I whispered to him that I wanted to pay for it, and he ran out of the store. Again, I don’t know if I did the right thing or, if I did, whether it was in the right way. But I realized that even though I’m “broke,” I’m ridiculously lucky to have more than $9 in my account.

I wish I didn’t feel so icky. I’ve made a lot of choices, good and bad, with the best information available at the time. I try to take into account my larger goals when dealing with the minutiae of the day. I guess I’ve just had so many questionable outcomes that I will never stop, well, questioning how I arrived at them.

But right now should be a time of hope. Tomorrow I’ll figure out whether I made the right move or not. Today I should be sitting on top of the world that nothing but possibilities lay before me.

Everything I’ve done (or haven’t done) has gotten me here. And what I do next remains to be seen. I just hope I can get over the heartache, doubt and exhaustion enough to do it well. …

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