Caterwauling

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Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Just chugging some coffee so I’m awake for the drive to Key West today.

Palm Beach ain’t so bad, though. I’ve been looking at apartments in various cities, and I realize I’m quite in love with where I am, thank you very much. Screw anyone who tries to take that away.

It’s the losing of the health insurance that has me nuts now. That everyone else can keep buying haircuts and handbags while I am begging CVS to let me fill my prescriptions now and not on Jan. 10 when they’re due again. (No luck. Boo.)

Oh well. I’m going to run away to the Keys and maybe never come back. My idea of a coffeehouse/wine bar/Italian pastry shop may come true yet. Just give me a shack on the beach, and I can make it work from there.

Mom said I should go by myself, since I cannot stand being around her every second of every day. But I wouldn’t have spent the (way too much) money on this trip if it wasn’t a Christmas present for her. I told her, look, I’m used to running away from home at every opportunity. Now we are breathing the same air 24/7 and it’s Day 3 together and I’m ready to blow out my brains. But we are going to have to work together to get through this, so if you can just (for once) respect my space while I’m at home, then that’s the only way this will work. But don’t martyr yourself over a damn vacation.

I’ve decided that the only thing that will make me feel better is to fuck someone else’s husband. I have a very short list. To quote the beautiful Nicole Kidman in “Practical Magic,” “Hang on to your husbands, ladies! I’m back!”

LOL. Not that I want to compromise my karma. But I am allowing myself an evil thought or three to get me through the night.

This truly was the best year of my life. It was also the worst. Next year isn’t starting off the way I wanted it to. But it sure as hell isn’t going to end like this one, either. And that right there is something to toast when the drag queen drops onto Duval Street tonight. …

So, today I:

1. Got my site migrated AND un-fucked up from a recent hacking, thanks to the AMAZING team at Blog Wranglers. Did I mention it was quick and painless and they are the nicest guys around? You should have Blog Wranglers migrate your site. Seriously. They rock. True Web geniuses, I tell you!

2. Updated my resume. And reaffirmed the fact that I managed to achieve a lot in a very short time frame. Or, tried like hell to.

3. Realized that I have some absolutely amazing friends and mentors who will always have my back. God was extra-good to me in this regard, and I thank Him profusely for it.

4. Got some cool stuff in the mail that I was afraid I would never receive.

5. Do not have a job to go to anymore.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Not sure what else to say about that.

I’d love to say “it’s all good” and believe that I will indeed be thankful someday. (Today is not that day, however.)

But really, when you look at the (very abbreviated) list of what happened today (and that ain’t even the half of it), you see that four out of five items are blessings. And maybe so will the fifth, one day.

All I have to say is that karma pays it back to some people, and pays it forward to others.

And I guess my karma has been pretty pristine, because at a time when I could be freaking the fuck out, I’m OK. The universe has my back. I can not only feel it, but I can see it plain as day.

Better days are coming. Don’t count me out just yet. My success story is still a work in progress. But maybe everyone is right and that this is the kick in the ass I needed to get back on the right track.

Maybe it’s time to write that book. Since I have quite a lot to say. And it deserves the proper forum. Look out, Patrick Lencioni. Your biggest fan is ready to record her own story!

Right after I go to Key West for the New Year, of course. Damn non-refundable trip that I didn’t purchase the “job loss” insurance for. *facepalm* Oh well. Nothing like ringing in the new year from my happy place to ensure that I bring in 2011 with nothing but joy and anticipation.

(I’m hoping this all doesn’t fuck up my Paris trip.)

But mark my words, Lady L and I will be toasting with champagne at this time next year in New Orleans. And laughing at how silly 2010 was and thank God we never have to feel again the way we felt during that crazy year we spent in Florida.

Claws

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I can just hear Patton Oswalt narrating my life right now.

So, I have kind of been up to something. I didn’t put a lot of thought into it. As we all know, desperate times call for desperate measures, and all that jazz.

Naturally, it’s come back to bite me in my sizable ass. Oy vey.

I’d call on God for help with this one, but even He is like, “Yo. I’m waiting to watch you jump the General Lee over the ravine you dug for yourself. Good luck!”

Thanks, Big Guy.

So, OK, I had 14 meetings between Monday and Tuesday (and one I forgot — story for another day there. Jesus Christ). And exactly one today.

Not only did I get a lot done, but I immersed myself in pure editing. No profit-and-loss statements, or conversion and renewal rates. No promo codes, no reporting software, no five hours of planning a one-hour meeting.

It was glorious.

I think I’ve risen to the level of my own incompetence. I thought I’d be good in administration. And I do love it, but I’m not advancing the learning curve fast enough. And things are falling by the wayside when I focus on things like supervision and, oh, editing.

It occurs to me, do I want a paycheck, do I want to be happy and creative, or do I want both? Because I thought I could have it all. But I really think I need to pick my priorities. And struggling isn’t my style.

I was thumbing through my copy of Peter Drucker’s “Leader of the Future” and my beloved Patrick Lencioni’s “3 Signs of a Miserable Job,” and I started dreaming of the business I want to start that has NOTHING TO DO with my current field.

I’m not mad at the field. It’s been educational and kind of lucrative in recent years. It’s gotten me introduced to the biggest names in the field, and gotten me accustomed to five-diamond accommodations and five-star meals.

I don’t want to start over. I just want to plot my second business and run it until such time that it’s my only business.

And that I went and did something that could rock my entire world, ugh. Seriously. WTF, Goddess? The cure for drama is not MORE DRAMA.

Well, I think God’s still mapping the joke He is playing on me. Santa Claus is my only hope.

Santa, all I want is to be happier than a hog knee-deep in slop. Please bring me whatever it will take to be that way. And take away everything else. Because I don’t have my wits about me enough to know the difference.

Total Lunar Eclipse December 21, 2010

Originally uploaded by bkushner

I only wish I could have taken this photo. I was in bed during the lunar eclipse, of course. I wake up around 5 a.m. because it takes me about three hours to get motivated in the mornings.

I find myself giving Santa the same list I did last year. Only the names have changed.

I have to get back to church. I will return for candlelight services. And then keep going back. Mom even said I say “Die in a Fire!” more than I normally do when I’m not going to church. I’d wager that most of the people I say it about DO deserve to die in one. But that’s not me. I’m nice. Damn it. I pray for people. I don’t root for their demise. Because Karma is a bitch, yo, and she dishes it RIGHT back.

Of course, I’m hoping some people get a triple scoop this holiday season, after the shit sandwich they served me at some point this year!

When you’ve mastered every psychological trick on the planet, it’s almost humorous to see them aimed at you.

Until you’re powerless to them, of course.

I have this one employee. When she makes a boo-boo and you point it out, she gets flustered and makes a hundred more.

I’m starting to become like her. One mistake becomes 30. And there is no digging out from under it at that point.

I’m also like another of my people, who simply refuses to get ruffled. Tomorrow’s a new day, life is short, people will come to their senses, all anyone needs is a satisfying lay and the world will be well again. I completely subscribe to that theory.

And I’m just like another, who really doesn’t get that you have to “show the math” sometimes. To not give pat answers because we can’t be bothered with small talk. We are “cut to the chase” people, and anyone asking us to elaborate would probably fall asleep under the weight of what was really behind the executive summary.

Not many are like me. I want people to shine. I want to do what I can to make them shine. I don’t need credit — I need them to shine, damn it.

I don’t mean to do this at my own expense. But it would really kill me if everyone else had a job and something that I let slide that was on my plate (and my plate alone) would cost me mine.

Especially something downright meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

I don’t mean to be “cavalier,” as I was once called. But is it that nobody else “gets” it … or is the joke really on me?