This is your brain OFF drugs
So, we all know how much I abhor meetings. Especially ones I have to run. Because, well, they suck.
For one, either I should just attend meetings all day and just delegate the projects … or else I should have NO meetings and just do the damn work and not have to beg forgiveness when I don’t have shit done because I’m in (or preparing for) … you guessed it — meetings!
I felt like it went well today. But I also got violently sick afterward. Probably from all the planning and anticipating and remembering the pile of failure that they told me my last meeting was.
Anyway, I was kind of proud of myself for taking myself off the mind meds. And today, I think part of the violent sickness is the fact that said medicine is out of my body. Oof.
I’m really pissed off about this. I LOVE the ideas and creativity that have started to once again course through my little brain. The passion is back. I’m ready to pull off the gloves and deck the next person who looks at me funny, instead of saying a prayer that their life gets better and something good happens to them so they can be nice for one goddamned day already.
But …
OMG, the tears. I found myself sobbing before work today. I did that before leaving for the Den of Iniquity. (About the time I decided I HAD to be put on drugs.) I did that before Ye Olde Workplace Establishment, during those final months when they destroyed my beloved department and stuck me with a supervisor who loved to have weekly “Kumbaya”-singing meetings while I still had a SHITPILE of work to do.
I had to decide whether today’s tears were related to my current job, my health or both.
I haven’t decided yet. 😉
And I have this lovely person in my life who is cursing me with an unintended pregnancy, just because I predicted he’d get a parking ticket AND HE DID. Although … he was a doll and said recently that he hopes I DON’T find myself in that condition. I’ll take a compliment wherever I can get it!
So in all my weird emotional havoc today, paranoia set in. Do my boobs hurt? Well, one was kind of itchy. Does my back hurt? Well yeah I sit on a crappy chair all day. I ate a shit-ton of food today … uh, should I be concerned about this?
I actually left work early. If you can call 4:30 p.m. “early.” I felt like ass. I was starting to fall asleep at my desk. Another symptom? Egads!
I do realize that it’s the lack of transition between “happy pill land!” and “absolutely no drugs in my body other than birth control!” that’s got me all kerfuffled.
I still need to find a happy medium between “drugged” and “clear-minded and inspired.” I swear those drugs are the reason I haven’t decked anyone who truly deserved it. And it’s been kind of nice not crying. My friend told me a sad story at lunch and of course I welled up. I haven’t done that in forever. It felt good. At least I may deaden the pain, but I’m not totally dead inside.
Oh, mental state. Why are you so fragile?
I’m definitely going to get back on the drugs before Tuesday, the meeting that is going to be the death of me if I don’t wash down a bottle of Paxil with a bottle of Patron!