Caterwauling

Just a few lil photos of my journey, from where I stayed to where I played …

Okay, first things first — can anyone tell me why the blog is looking screwy? (i.e., the sidebar is gone, and previous entries have evaporated)

And secondly, life is back to normal. I have enjoyed being away from my medicated employment establishment, although the coming weeks will be hell because of my time off. That’s OK — my boss, Pussy Demure (whom I might also call Ronald Reagan because she starts off every sentence with a confused, “Well …”) approached Shan sometime last week and inquired why I hadn’t been showing up at work. Shan reminded her that Demure herself had approved my vacation leave, and Demure was stunned. Unreal — and didn’t she think to, oh, I don’t know, call me if she thought I were on strike?

It’s good to be home, though, even though I have no real attachment to Alexandria or the general D.C. area. It’s just nice to be in my own bed, nice to have had a wonderful week with people who mean the world to me, and nice to now be in a city that isn’t 20 years behind the times. Tiff and I had a long conversation yesterday, and we marveled at how hard we have worked and continue to work on building our new lives in an unfamiliar setting. And we have done pretty well, despite countless trials that have oft left us wondering what the hell we were thinking when we left the comfort and affordability of Pittsburgh and the safety nets we had woven whilst there. But we have woven new nets, have brought new people into our lives and, sadly, have gravitated away from many whom we thought would be permanent fixtures. Neither of us really expects to stay in this area for more than a few years, but we really realize that, damn it, we rock and continue to do so. 🙂

And no entry reflecting on the past few months of my life would be complete without a reference to relationships, in whatever form they have taken. On that note, to close the Brat chapter, here is yet another song lyric to capture my mindset:

“I am only here for a little while

Would you like to take me out tonight

Maybe we could talk for a little while, baby

Don’t hold back, it’s time for a love affair

Take my hand, lead me to anywhere

Maybe there’s something in the air, baby.”

— Kylie Minogue, “Love Affair” —

It was good to have him to go home to. And after leaving him, it was nice to have a home to come back to that has nothing to do with him. I loved him so much for so long, and it’s both strange and comforting to be out of love these days. We are so right and so wrong for each other, all at the same time. But when all is said and done, we really do make for good friends, and I hope that is something we can retain, no matter where our paths may take us.

He is my ultimate Catch-22 — I take 10 steps forward but run back to him in a heartbeat. But I’m more realistic in my expectations of him as well, so there is nothing wrong with doing what we do best. 🙂 And now that I am home, sure, I want him to come down here and visit me, but I will also be on the lookout for that special person who can and will want to be everything to me … whoever that person may end up being.

What’s really strange is that while I enjoy being a hoe-biscuit, I have experienced these strange nesting instincts — perhaps it has come from all of my friends having babies. When I was at her house, Susan kept telling me that I need to be a mom, but I had to declare that while I enjoy her little girls, I am not sure that I should be having my own — at least, not yet, not with my crazy lifestyle. Children are cute when they’re pint-sized and sleep all day, like Chloe does. But what would I do with a little red screaming thing that will eventually learn to talk back? 😉

I have oodles of photos of Chloe and Courtney, but as the digital camera pooped out in the middle of California, I have to revert to the stone age and scan photos in. Dread! Too much work!

As I was leaving Susan’s house — to go sneak into Brat’s apartment across town — she said she loves her girls and her husband, but what she wouldn’t give to be me, climbing into my little sports car in search of one last wild night with my favorite boy toy. I kind of smiled and said, what I wouldn’t give to have someone coming home to me every night instead. Funny how we always want the opposite of what we have, even though we do in our hearts appreciate the way things are going for us. We really do make our own realities and our own miracles — just not at the same time or the same ages as our friends.

Closure: I finally removed my black underwear that somehow found its way onto my backseat when I left Brat last Sunday. That’s my life — a series of one-night-stands and heartache if I allow it to happen. I had sworn off boys for Lent, but well, it’s time to book the room in hell. 😉 But now that I am here in Alexandria, with a summer full of changes and adventures headed my way, I realize that I am finally ready for more. While holding Chloe and showing Courtney how to wear a watch, I realized that yeah, maybe I do want to have a kid before all is said and done. I’d love it if I could be married or in a serious relationship first, though, because it would help both emotionally and financially. But I also have a weird feeling that I will probably do it backward, just because that’s my luck. (Although I did threaten My Hero that I might end up chasing after him with a Dixie Cup and a turkey baster one of these years!)

What I have been lacking in my life, of late, is passion. I am overflowing with it, but I want someone who will basically ravage me during every available moment of my day. I’d like to be one of his top priorities, and I have never been that for anyone. But sadly, I could have been. I spent time with CTL during my vacation (those of you who’ve been around for the past year might remember that Brat, CTL and I were the original Bermuda Love Triangle), and even now — after all that has happened — he would still do anything for me, whether to help me or simply to make me happy. He is such a treasure. Yet I always felt/feel guilty because my attraction — and therefore my affections — always gravitated toward Brat. And sadly, one of CTL’s first questions to me was whether I keep in touch with Brat, and I admitted that we had seen each other over the weekend. He didn’t ask what we did, and for that, I was grateful. But he probably knew.

Every time I leave Pittsburgh, I become stronger. I become more fond of my new homeland, and I realize that sometimes, it’s OK to walk away from a situation you have done everything within your power to try to resolve yet will never truly be resolved. Had I stayed in Pittsburgh, Brat may never have grown to miss me, because I was always there, no matter how tense things were between us. And as for the Bermuda Love Triangle, it’s strange and it’s sad that, a year later, its complications still exist. The time and distance has been good for me, and it’s good to once again put that distance between the other points in the triangle. I love them both for very different reasons, and I will always maintain that if I could just meld them together, I’d have the perfect man. But I can’t, and that means that the perfect man must exist somewhere outside of Bermuda. 🙂 Where is he, and when can I meet him? 😉

Anyway, I lost an hour today, which means, according to Shan, that work comes creeping up on us an hour earlier than usual. Shit! I’m going to go scrub my butt and get outside to enjoy this sunshine! Hope y’all have a wonderful, albeit abbreviated, Sunday, and have a toast to yourself for making it through whatever trials have placed stress on your hearts. Tomorrow begins a new week, and here’s to hoping we all find or keep the loves we so richly deserve.

“Here in the moment I belong

In a waking dream

The night is young

But isn’t long

If you know what I mean

Oh it’s beautiful

The thought of what might be

Close your eyes so you can see

Now we’ve only just begun

We’re running out of time

I don’t want to think about the sun

No not tonight

Oh it’s wonderful you being here with me

Close your eyes so you can see.”

Rejected title: Mix tapes rule

“I had to escape

The city was sticky and cruel

Maybe I should have called you first

But I was dying to get to you

I was dreaming while I drove

The long straight road ahead, uh, huh

— Celine Dion (or Cyndi Lauper, take your pick), “I Drove All Night” —

As I promised myself to not divulge so many details of my personal life as I may have done at times in the past, I’d like to present a “mix tape” approach of my time in Pittsburgh as it pertains to Brat.

What I can say outright, though, is that it is possible to pick up where you left off with someone — we were laughing and teasing each other and, yes, kissing like not a day had passed. But on the other hand, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Would he have contacted me had I not moved four hours away from him? Would he have missed me the way he said he did? And is there anywhere to go from here? I went into this with open eyes — for a change, as I was always kind of purposely oblivious where he was concerned — and I walked away with those eyes open and focused on returning to the new life I have built — one that may or may not come to more fully include him.

We seemed to fall together so easily, so naturally. I believe it was after a round of darts with two other couples (not that I would ever call us a couple) — which he won for our team — that he grabbed me and kissed me. I was stunned and receptive all at the same time. And I will leave the details to my own memory and to your imagination, but I thought the following song summed up the nearly 24 hours that we spent together appropriately:

“Seems like such a long, long time

Since your body crossed my mind

But I think that you should know

It wasn’t I who had to go

 

‘Cause I would give everything that I own

I’d give you my love and this heart made of stone

The sun, the moon, the Earth, the sky

The motorcycle that I like to ride

I would do anything; I would give everything

To be your everything

 

But if ever you should stray

Just sing along and I will play

Or look into your hands

I’m slipping through them like a tiny grain of sand

 

I remember you

Do you remember me too?

It seems like such a long, long time

Since I held you near and called you mine

 

‘Cause I would give everything that I own

I’d give you my heart and this skin and these bones

The sun, the moon, the Earth, the sky

A brand new car that you and I could drive

I would do anything

I would give everything

To be your everything.”

— Stereofuse, “Everything” —

And leaving him that next day, the song on the radio:

“Remember the silence living in the dark

Remember the desperation in my heart

Remember how close we came, to giving up

We were caught up in our storm, I didn’t think that we would make it

We have only stood our grounds, now the storm is breaking

— Amber, “Above the Clouds” —

Not by any means do I wish to imply that things are on any track toward anything more than what it was, which was a friends-with-a-benefit-package thing. But for five minutes, it was nice to wonder if we were somehow working our way back to each other, even if only through baby steps taken somewhat backward.

I shudder to admit that I showed up on his doorstep one more time (can we say hoe-biscuit?) before I left town. All I can really say to that is that I had a little trick up my sleeve to make myself unforgettable (not through sex, although not for lack of wanting the latter!). Showers of kisses later, I left, although not because I really wanted to. One only wonders what really runs through his thoughts, but I have my theories.

And as for me, I will make one personal revelation. I have never stayed the night with anyone. I have made more 4 a.m. excuses than I care to recount, but with him, I just couldn’t come up with any. I loved it that when he slept, he held me close to him. And I can’t lie still to save my life, and I changed positions a dozen times. And each time, he pulled me toward him and didn’t let go. But only in his sleep does he do that. And he didn’t seem to really believe me when I confessed that I never stayed the night with anyone, but that’s OK. I know my history entirely too well (anybody remember G3 when I left him after saying, “That’s it?” Heh).

He says “roll the dice” a lot. It appeared in a number of text messages from him as I made my journey closer to him. So I slipped him the directions to my place, under the heading of “roll the dice.” I kept saying that I’d see him in a year (as it has been nearly a year since we last saw each other), and it seemed to bother him, because he said he hoped it would be sooner. But then he reverted to his usual smartass mode (part of what attracted us to each other, I’m sure, was our mutual quick wit) and said that maybe it’ll be a year and a half next time. Heh. He’d better work pretty quickly, if you want to know the truth, because I’ve never been one to wait around for anyone.

At any rate, I left town this morning and left him behind, but I will always smile a little bit to know that — in his own words — he told me that he was glad that I had come back. I made it clear that it took me a long time to get over him, but quite honestly, we didn’t resolve our issues. We just — finally — had fun and, well, I rolled the dice. We’re still living in very different worlds — both in location as well as emotionally — but we can come together (*ahem*) and enjoy each other’s presence. And right now, that’s what works, and I’m OK with it.

And now it’s his turn to roll the dice. I’ll be curious to see when he takes his turn.

The closing number to today’s musical is brought to you from the “Great Expectations” soundtrack — part of one of my three mix CDs that I made in his honor, many months ago, which got me through the drive home to D.C.:

“Don’t bother saying you’re sorry

Why don’t you come in

Smoke all my cigarettes again

Every time I get no further

How long has it been?

Come on in now, wipe your feet on my dreams

— Pulp, “Like a Friend” —

Roll the dice, friends. Life’s too short to wonder or to worry or to pass up opportunities — especially when they come around more than once. Just do what makes you happy, but be ready for anything. We win some, we lose some, we learn lots regardless. And between us, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. 🙂

1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life?

Too many. Moved around a lot as a kid. Probably five places before I turned 18. After that, at least eight. And unfortunately, I ain’t done. 🙂

2. Which was your favorite and why?

Lovely apartment on Mount Washington in Pittsburgh. Large place, pretty cheap, gorgeous view, all mine. The ’60s shag carpet was a bummer, but I had more area rugs than China has rice, so I didn’t have to look at that god-awful carpet.

3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why?

Both. More exciting than stressful, though. I love adventure, and I love decorating new places much more than trying to figure out what the hell to do to revamp an old place. I am a great packer and usually manage to get my shit from Point A to Point B with little to no breakage.

4. What’s more important, location or price?

Used to be location, in inexpensive Pittsburgh. Now in pricey Northern Virginia, I’m all about trying to not break the bank with the place to live. Although I must say, I love being located two miles from work — it’s nice to have a four-minute commute.

5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)?

I have always been a city dweller, so I appreciate having on-site maintenance, which you don’t get with a house. But as I get older, I think more about not pissing money down the drain on rental units and actually buying a permanent residence — in which case I would love to have a yard and a jacuzzi. In any abode, I look for a good-sized tub that will permit happy, roomy and hot bubble baths.

Thanks to everyone who left me comments and sent me e-mails, wondering why the hell I dropped off the earth. I went back into the 1980s — back to Pittsburgh to visit the family and friends I’ve been nearly lost without.

So without further ado, I:

1. Got laid

2. Visited Two Strikes (the old employer) and got to see all my buddies

3. Got to meet two-week-old Chloe and hold that little bundle of love for hours and hours

4. Played dress-up and colored and read books with 3-year-old Courtney

5. Went to the beach

6. Had Mineo’s Pizza with Lori (my grantwriting partner in crime), threw darts at the Oregon Grille with Brat (see archives from September/October 2001 for the history of that entanglement, which only seems to be continuing in its own bizarre way), went to Chez Capri for lunch with CTL, caught up with Susan and her beautiful little girls (see #3 & 4), took a drive with my grandfather, took a separate drive with Mom and had a lovely chatting session with My Hero (my old boss).

7. Sat in entirely too much traffic on the Beltway and put no less than 800 miles on my dear Samantha Jones

8. Missed Shan, Tiff, and all my loyal readers!

Looking forward to elaborating on all of the above at some future date, as well as catching up on reading all of my favorite blogs that I haven’t seen in two weeks! Love you all!