Caterwauling

“I don’t have to meet your mother
We don’t have to cross that line
I don’t wanna steal your covers
I just wanna take your time
I don’t wanna go home with you
I just wanna be alone with you.”

— Sam Hunt, “Take Your Time”

What a good day.

Last night sucked. I logged in late (Sunday night) to do work. And the people for whom I was doing this extra work were being buttheads in my inbox.

If I didn’t have loyalty to the broader team and meet the deadline if only for them, I am not certain I would still be employed. I would likely have a restraining order against me though.

In any event, I held my tongue all day today too and all was calm and bright.

One of my boys is leaving town. So I put a little gift in his bag. He and I had the best conversation ever when he got home and found it.

Turns out he knew I did it but was afraid to open it in the building because he knew I’d make him cry. 🙂 But his thank-you to me made ME lose my shit just a little.

In any event, my heart swells with joy at the unlikely friendship we’ve developed.

I had only one person I wanted to share this with, and I love it that we had a couple of chances to connect today. It has been wonderful. I tell him everything and I love that he roots for me and is happy when I’m happy.

I feel the same when he’s the one who’s happy.

In one sense I would never call it the L word. But in another sense, isn’t being each other’s biggest fan the very definition of it?

In any case, I loved sharing my happy moments (and even the cruddy ones) with my best friend.

In addition, an old friend started a new job today and called me to say let’s go drinking. And we did. And we had so much fun.

He’s the only one I’m ever 100% honest with when it comes to my relationships. I don’t reveal details but it’s nice to be able to tell someone what’s swirling in my little brain.

What I didn’t tell him is that one of my boys has been texting me all day, trying to see where I am with going out with him.

This has been a multi-year process and I’ve fought it the whole way.

I wonder whether this is the universe saying, “Hey Goddess, if you want love, quit passing it up every time I try to hand it to you.”

Why doesn’t he give up? Don’t you people know how difficult I am? Is he a sucker for punishment, or am I that special?

I don’t know. But I do know this: thanks to all my sweet guys, I had a hell of a good day today.

Throughout my life, when things were at their most-stressful, I would dream of the guy I dated/BFF from high school. I always took his presence in my dreams to mean that everything would turn out OK.

And somehow, it always did.

I haven’t dreamed of him in some time. Whether that means I wasn’t too stressed or else everything isn’t going to turn out OK, I don’t want to know. 😉

But last night I dreamed of the one I always think of as the one who got away. I used to call him the love of my life. The one I haven’t seen since just before the towers fell and the world changed.

I hesitated a second before referring to him as the love of my life. For a few reasons. Not the least of which is that he’s there and I’m here. But I also paused for a moment to consider Those Who Have Come Since.

I’m sure there’s a pun in there, but I’m going to be serious for a change today. 🙂

In any event, I don’t know how to categorize people other than those who have become Part of My Story. Even if I didn’t “love them” love them, they occupy cardiac real estate.

I’m going to divert for a second and admit that I consulted my psychic oracle — i.e., Mom — who kindly does not inflict her vibes on me when I’m going through things that I need to figure out for myself.

Anyway, she said of He Who Has Come Recently (ahem), “You know he wasn’t 100% honest, right?”

And naturally I said “Damn it woman, butt out of my business!”

You know, like any 40-year-old teenager would.

I wasn’t mad because of the buttinskis. I was shaken because some stuff that never quite added up, stuff I decided I was better off NOT adding up, must have been apparent to her spirit guides too.

In any event, there are things my own guides have told me that, again, I decided weren’t important enough to call people out on.

Because, in the grand scheme of things, I did everything for a chance at love.

Like I said, it’s Part of My Story. I had to try. I will never regret that.

And I’m willing to let it go. Not the good, but the “not quite right but that which does not directly concern me anyway.”

I got a great friend out of the deal. And the chance to find the next Part of My Story.

In any event, we all know how we feel when we “discover” things that could scar us if we let them, right?

So yeah, I was feeling that way this weekend.

And that’s where the dream came in.

I saw the guy I don’t think much about anymore. He was wearing a Hard Rock Hotel shirt from Orlando. Which is funny because I JUST BOUGHT a shirt from there. I remember seeing “his” shirt there.

He came over to me and gathered me into his arms. And he held me until I fell asleep in the dream. And when I awakened in the dream, he was still holding me.

My dream self thanked him for getting me through the night, and for caring about me.

My real self awakened next. I don’t know what it all means. I don’t even care. I’m just grateful that perhaps I have a new signpost that everything will turn out OK.

After all, when I get those signs, everything really does turn out OK.

Spent yesterday with an old valentine, of sorts.

It was a good day.

Funny thing about people who knew you “when.” They call you on your shit. Without apologies and a little bit gleefully.

We went to my favorite Mediterranean place on the water. The food was good, the wine was delicious, the dessert was amazing. We walked along the ocean to burn off a few of those thousands of calories that don’t actually count anyway because of the holiday.

He reminded me of lots of things that I’d forgotten …

1. Why go for the brass ring when there’s a gold ring out there?

Professionally or personally, you have to be with people who make you better in every possible way. Don’t tolerate what only mildly amuses or challenges you. If it stresses you out beyond normal adrenaline, you’re in the wrong place.

2. Everyone has a story. Write it for them. They don’t have to know about it.

He badgered me a bit. “When am I going to ask you how you’re doing and your reply will finally be, ‘Things are great, Michael”?

When we debated it a bit, I realized I miss writing. Not things related to my field, either. But I don’t sit in Starbucks anymore and dream the hours away.

So we did an exercise in looking in people’s faces and coming up with their life story. Thing is, the people-watching down here is pretty spectacular. It’s easy to stimulate the creative juices, even just on the way to Starbucks.

3. Things aren’t going to come to you. If you don’t fight for them, you’ll never get them.

“Your mother still doesn’t have healthcare?” he asked. I told him about all my mistakes and misadventures and how I would need a day or a week off to go fight for her.

He said, “The system is designed to make it impossible not only for you to get what’s yours, but for the people who are hired to give it to you to figure out HOW to give it to you.”

We waxed poetic about a business owner we once worked for, who if you really needed a month off to get your shit together, he was successful enough to let you go do it so you could come back to him ready and willing to fight for his company since he fought for you.

In any event, he said you’re not a bad person for not figuring it out yet. (Yes he knows me and my guilt.)

He also said, however, you ARE kind of a moron for losing vacation days every year and NOT using them to figure it out. So figure it out. And if there’s no one to cover you for a day or a week, that’s not your fault either.

I think this was the best Valentine’s Day I ever had …

This year should have been different.

It’s not every year that someone tells you you’re his soulmate.

I don’t know if I believe in soulmates. But I know I was happy for a while there.

Honestly, I never knew anything to be so good, on every level.

Funny how everything in life that’s so hard becomes so much more bearable when you’re “in it,” whatever “it” is.

Funnier still how the stars never really seem to align.

And that the universe keeps turning even though you wonder on what earth something so good just didn’t work out.

But you know to thank those stars that aligned for as long as they did to make it happen in the first place.

God, I never hated leaving so much.

I have some amazing memories, though.

I know how it’s supposed to feel now, too. So I recognize it, next time.

I get a “next time,” right?

“We sang Bobby McGee on the hood of my car
Made a wish on every star
In that clear September sky
One bottle of wine and two Dixie cups
3 a.m., I fell in love
For the first time in my life
Oh that something
Just don’t happen twice.”

— Kenny Chesney, “Don’t Happen Twice”

Proud momma moment. The person I’ve had the hardest time bonding with picked up the phone today out of the bloody blue to chat. CHAT! About Stuff! and Things! And was super-excited about them and about sharing them!

These are the moments I live for. Which, I should probably aim higher. 🙂 But honestly, I am psyched that we finally, finally have a connection. Finally.

A friendly competitor’s group is in town this week, and I met up with them at the local wine dive for many drinks.

My arrival was a surprise to one of the guys, as planned. And it was wonderful to be welcomed so warmly.

He was one of my original boys, and when he saw me he introduced me to every single one of his paying subscribers who was hanging on his every word.

I inadvertently found myself re-selling his people on his awesomeness. Because I found myself missing the shit out of him as much as he does me.

Don’t get me wrong. We had our tough moments/days/years. But we got through it and came out better — both of us.

He was telling his listeners how we met 10 years ago. It was one day that I was needing an e-letter article and my main guy flaked out. (Not an unusual occurrence.) So this guy was in a cab on the way to the Oakland airport, dictating a column to me over the phone.

I was still green to the industry and I wanted to do a good job. And he knew I was new and was wondering how it would turn out.

He was thrilled with the job I did. He didn’t know that A) I take dictation and B) I was absorbing this stuff and could edit it coherently without making it wrong.

Anyway when the company decided to give him a new service shortly thereafter, he requested me. I had wanted to be on it but I didn’t know he actually liked me that much. But we teamed up and it was magic.

It was hell, too, don’t get me wrong. I tend to romanticize things when the present gets kind of tough. This is just a good reminder of how I make allies for life because I fight for and WITH them.

He wasn’t the only old friend I got to hang out with. And I had a good time talking to the customers too. They reminded me of who I am and why I do (and, in some cases, endure) this. I may write about them later. In fact, I know I will.

But as Dolly and Kenny sang, “You can’t make old friends.” And I love mine to pieces.

I hope that my new friends can become old friends someday, too.

I have to say, in all my 40 years on this earth, there is no better feeling than to be kissed by someone who thinks you’re wonderful.

Here’s to having more feel-good moments this year than we all had last year …

It has been such a hard day so far. And it’s 10:20 a.m.

But photos of a brand-new baby girl have been texted my way. And I can stop my crabbing long enough to ooh and aah. Because, that kid is cute.

I sent the pix to mom and she said she wants one. She has been asking for a snowflake baby and I kind of laugh. Because, when would I hatch that thing?

Anyway now that all the girls in the office are on the baby-frenzy precipice today, the baby’s daddy says he expects we’ll have a little baby boom here soon.

Hah.

As Mom said, “Guess it won’t be you. You are tied to your desk without a life. So good for them, as you say.”

You know, just when I think I am happy that I’ve made it to 40-ish without kids, a conversation like this has to happen.

Yep, never gonna meet Mr. Right with my life. That’s for sure. Never gonna have a kid at this rate.

I look at my friends who just accept that they didn’t get the life they wanted. And I look at others who fight for everything even after they repeatedly don’t get it.

And I know this life isn’t “enough” for me. But what would make it that way?

Maybe it’s not having a cute munchkin (and let’s face it, after my whole life of saying if I had to have a kid, I wanted it to be a son. But I really really really would rather have a little girl. If life worked out that way).

After all, cute little-girl munchkins also cry and scream and date and drive and sleep with interesting men. Like their mothers. 🙂

But I guess I wish I had the opportunity to live (or refuse) that life instead of not even having the chance to have it.

I’m really not in baby fever, mind you. I will swallow extra pills to prove it. (Washed down with whiskey. The only way to take pills in my house.)

But I guess it kind of bugs me that the younger (!) girls in my office still have a shot at having it all and I feel like I’m the one lagging them to the point that I will never catch up.

So I say I’m fine and I honestly am fine but I don’t know what to do if I ever end up really being NOT fine about it all.

There. I said it.

It’s the day that the VA Hospital in Pittsburgh murdered my grandfather. It’s the day that would have been his and my grandmother’s anniversary (married in 1950!).

This year it’s a day that my heart is all over the place for so many reasons. Actually I’ve kind of been weepy all week. I mean, even Publix commercials are making me cry.

Of course, I know it’s no Eat ‘n Park star commercial. But wouldn’t this destroy you just a little too?

And don’t get me started on last year’s “Christmas Visitor” commercial. I wish it was my grandfather coming to dinner …

So it’s near midnight on a Sunday and I’m trying to finish the project I didn’t finish Friday night that HAS to be done like ASAP.

*lovemyjobserenitynowlovemyjob*

So Mom likes a certain peppermint laxative tea from Target. I call it Poopermint.

(I’ll let that sink in for a second.)

So she’s had like a million mini-strokes, right? And she just got out of bed and disturbed my concentration to tell me …

“The next time we go to Poopermint, I need more Target tea.”

She of course has no idea what she just said. But I’m too weak from laughter to keep reading what’s on my screen.

It’s pretty bad when she makes more sense than my paid writers. Which, she really does …