‘Life is short, to say the least’

July 31st, 2017, 7:30 AM by Goddess

I never dreamed this would be the last photo I’d take of Sia. Nor that I’d be posting it in her memory, one year to the day that she left this world.

I’ll always remember us dancing and singing at the top of our lungs. Seems so unfair and yet so fitting that The Killers will be back in Miami on what would have been her next birthday. But this past year has been all about coming to terms with the unfair.

I was sobbing in the car Friday, thinking about her. Wondering what’s out there and where she is now. And a Killers song (“Runaways”) came on a station I had never heard play their music. Was that lyric “A blue-eyed girl playing in the sand” a sign from her to me?

The band was far from our only connection. But at a time when all you have left is the hope of a sign, you hold onto it fiercely.

I don’t expect this living with a Sia-shaped hole in my heart to get any easier. And I don’t know that I believe anything comes after all this. But if there is, I hope she’s able to enjoy all the best of it.

Miss you so damn much, Sia. So much.

“Be still
One day you’ll leave
Fearlessness on your sleeve.
When you come back
Tell me what did you see.
Is there something out there for me?”

— The Killers, “Be Still”



Still coming down from today’s ‘rush’ rush

July 27th, 2017, 3:25 PM by Goddess

I am my own favorite editor.

Seriously.

I said that to one of my boys today after I edited and broadcast five alerts in the space of 50 minutes. (When everyone else was at lunch, of course. I didn’t get any today. But that’s OK. Am fat.)

I like my editing style. I know my subject matter. I’m better at both than most. And to not have Big Brother sending random IMs that have to be followed up with conversations and/or emails, even better.

Seriously. One-man band. Missed it. Bigly.

Now to be fair, I have one sidekick right now who I do actually like. (Another is traveling. Like that one too.) Excellent editor. Super researcher. Kind of a noodge because of said secluded IM/email/meeting person having seven thousand exceptions to half-assed rules that never should have existed in the first place.

(No exceptions to “Goddess can eat at the same time as everyone else.” Of course, maybe Goddess COULD eat for reasons best left complained about only to her momma. But folks who never miss a meal shouldn’t mess with anyone else’s.)

In any event, the one project I didn’t get to on time just fucking kicked my ass. My helper gave it a great start. And I beat the shit out of it in the end. Could have been better. But, garbage in/garbage out.

And it’s not like I wasn’t doing 799 other things while it sat here waiting. Not like there weren’t four frillion emails/IMs/visits in the midst of it. Or more-urgent things than that flaming pile of flammable things.

In any event, the end is in sight. So is food. Hooray.

I like being busy. Because I like getting paid and using my brain.

But I really worry about layoffs and I wonder, who would do so much in so little time with such high quality?

And does anyone even know that or, now that I have to share credit with the barely credible and the incredible, do they know where the load really falls?

I am grateful for my boys who not only make it worthwhile, but I think they may even wait to make sure they get me as their Goddess. So I ain’t mad at the lunch rush. I take it as a compliment that they know the Goddess’s schedule so well.

I’d just give anything for something to gnaw on to help me come down from my “rush” rush.



Failure all around

July 25th, 2017, 6:49 PM by Goddess

So someone totally poisoned me against someone who could have helped me …

And I was so poisoned that I said no thanks …

TWICE …

And for them to chastise ME for my “failure” to hit the second deadline — the one that I had set for myself …

Wow.

I know I’ll regret this flaming bridge someday. But I am not going to feel bad about it now. Because I have a written list of things to explore first that folks failed to address.

I’d say color me surprised. But I’ve been in this world a little too long.



Shot taken … or missed?

July 24th, 2017, 2:07 PM by Goddess

Frog has been picked.

I don't ever want to hear or say another word about it.

Now if I can just stop stress-eating lentil chips by the bag as I come down from this crazy high.

It's been intoxicating, to say the least. Now to get used to living with the decision I never, ever dreamed I would make.



Another shot at success or regret

July 22nd, 2017, 6:20 PM by Goddess

My second frog returned to propose again with a bigger ring.

Admittedly, I had said another carat and I’m yours.

I knew he’d never go for it.

But he did go a half-carat higher.

Well, a half-carat higher … accompanied by a request for daily BJs.

I mean, I guess I figured there’d be an extra string attached, sure. But I also thought I was worth some more sparkle.

And let’s be honest. It was never about the sparkle.