One of the many things that don’t get talked about when you’re being assaulted (sexually or otherwise) …
Is how you find a place inside your head where you can hide.
I mean, sure you feel the pain — physical, emotional, your soul — but you find a little niche you can stuff yourself into. In your mind.
I don’t know where it is and I don’t know how I manage to find it when I need it. But it’s there. And thank God for that.
A book I’m reading pointed out quite plainly that we never talk about the full “fight or flight” response. That it’s really “fight, flight or freeze.”
I know the frozen state too well. (So does my work computer Elsa and my home laptop Anna.)
And it’s not that it works for me (the technological or the psychologically frozen state), but I can go back to it as often as needed. Unfortunately, that’s pretty often.
I just know what I’m capable of when I’m hurting. I fear it. But I bet it would keep people from messing with me ever again.
And I’m terrified/thrilled about the moment I get to say “Goodbye, Earl.”