Caterwauling

I had the most frustrating and awful visit with my famous neighbor yesterday.

We hadn’t seen each other in years and when I saw he was back in town, I left a note on his door to say I was thrilled that he was back (he’d had some pretty awful tenants since 2010) and I wanted to wish him a happy Thanksgiving in his Florida home.

He suggested I come over for a drink last night. Which I did. And I am still feeling violated on just about every level.

One thing he kept harping on was, “Don’t be dense.” I mean, we were having a highly intellectual conversation and I was keeping up very well, I think. I don’t go into battle unarmed, you know.

I was nice and complimenting him and being a good little neighbor. And he kept finding weak spots and jamming his finger into them. And while I don’t think I would have said anything or behaved any differently, I wish I would have known going in what a little bitch he really is.

I’ve been in a mood all weekend, feeling like Humpty Dumpty with wet glue. I didn’t need this shit. I’m not going to let this asshole break me.

But I’d really like to know why people like him think people like me exist for target practice when all I wanted was a little company and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of fellowship in a shitty, shitty world.

Fuck me.

It’s one of those eras where I can only blog in song.

“I’m in my cloud
I can feel the sunshine
It’s hotter here and I don’t mind
I’ve got myself and my peace of mind
I’m totally comfortable
Everything’s beautiful
I’m fine and I don’t worry anymore
This time I’m locked out of them before.”

Meiko, “The Cloud Song”

Just because I’m devoid of thought doesn’t mean I’m devoid of feeling. Maybe when I figure it out I’ll have words of my own.

After 8 p.m. Just closed the laptop on this day the company isn’t even open. And I’m still not caught up. But I achieved more alone than I would have otherwise. So I’ll call it a good day. Even though, well …

This is all I have to say right now.

Ended up having a wonderful Thanksgiving with one of my boys.

I hated leaving Mom at home (she was invited but was too sick to go out) but wow, did I have a good time. I cannot adequately express my gratitude for that. I think prime rib should be on every Thanksgiving table. And kugel. Mmmm.

Today I am working. As I will be tomorrow and Sunday. And I’ll probably be working during my measly four “vacation” days in December too.

I’m going to give thanks in advance for finally getting some good help. One day. In the meantime I have a tough conversation to prepare for while everyone else enjoys Black Friday and family time like normal people.

There. I said it.

It’s the day that the VA Hospital in Pittsburgh murdered my grandfather. It’s the day that would have been his and my grandmother’s anniversary (married in 1950!).

This year it’s a day that my heart is all over the place for so many reasons. Actually I’ve kind of been weepy all week. I mean, even Publix commercials are making me cry.

Of course, I know it’s no Eat ‘n Park star commercial. But wouldn’t this destroy you just a little too?

And don’t get me started on last year’s “Christmas Visitor” commercial. I wish it was my grandfather coming to dinner …

I was at a lunch recently with some industry types who decided their “dream team” would be the three of them.

They all run big departments at different companies. So they think they would make the awesomest team because they all do different things well.

Fuck that. You bitches have never seen the Three Mouseketeers in action.

THAT is the industry standard.

My other two Mouseketeers and I are THE SHIT. We built this city on rock and roll and we MADE THAT MUSIC. Formed the band, designed the T-shirts, took the show on the road, sold the tickets, rallied the communities and ROCK THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE’S WORLDS.

So yeah, everyone else go take a nice little lunch. We got this. *I* got this.

Always have, and apparently always will.

I arrived at work at the same time as my two cute, skinny blonde colleagues. There’s a guy who hangs out on our corner and he always greets us cheerfully when we are by ourselves.

I always get, “Heeyyy Baby!” Today he looked at all three of us and said, “Heeyyyyy Ladies! I like you all but that one right there’s my Baby!”

I suppose I should be honored. 🙂

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Had a fun all-day playdate with my so very awesome team.

And yet, while I had all my favorite boys (and girls!) in the same room today … it wasn’t perfect.

I’m working on something now (it is 12-motherfucking-24 A-goddamned-M) that was supposed to have been completed before it got to me.

And like everything else, it’s missing (or includes botched and/or inconsistent) key elements that I have repeatedly asked for.

I’m thinking to STFU now and direct you to the amazing blog over at Hyperbole and a Half about her Simple Dog.

And there ain’t no hyperbole here at 12:24 a.m. Just sorrow. And Advil.

Another day of ruling the world with an iron fist … and trying not to punch myself in the face with it. Or anyone else’s.

I got to thinking about hugs. (Because, needed.) Although I grew up with an affectionate mom and grandfather, I was anti-hug most of my life.

One of my boys called himself a Sap Monster. He was the emotional and thoughtful and affectionate one. Me, not so much.

He lived for hugs and all that went with them. Me, yeah. I was not his match there. I’m more of the, “Hole. Fill it” type.

Cuddling? Enh. I didn’t know guys were into that. So I never thought much about it up to that point.

He didn’t give up on me, though. He comes in and out of my life. In some ways, I am so much tougher than when we met. But in many other ways, I am also much softer.

I never give him the credit he deserves for that. Or maybe the shit instead of the credit. 🙂 After all, ain’t nobody got time for this “needing to collapse against someone and being able to let it be their problem for 10 minutes” crap, after all.

I realized just a few moments ago that I never put down my burdens because I have to be the one to pick them back up again. Why lose momentum, I say.

But right about now, I wouldn’t mind being able to regroup and gain some strength back.

It’s like when I heard a saying in high school — that maybe I wouldn’t be so against people sending flowers if I happened to get some every once in a while.

I guess that’s true with hugs. Although whether it’s hugs or flowers … I wouldn’t say no to either. Now or any day.

Clearly I need to go buy myself a flower.