Caterwauling

I asked my mom a question the other day, whether it’s that I’m too smart or too dumb to succeed. I’m not quite sure what the answer is. All I know is that there ain’t a lot of success going on right now.

Even though I cut my workload in half to be commensurate with the pay I am bringing in, I still find myself working a lot. Yeah, the Internet is always slow (or out) and I want to scream at how long it takes to do the least-complex tasks. But I wonder whether I’m also dragging out the small amount of work to fill these very long days.

Tonight I have to research a topic I don’t support at all, and write three articles on it. Ask me how much fucking fun I’m having at the extra work for my silly flat fee.

But tonight I went out with mom and we did our little charity project together. That’s fun. It’s a small distraction from Everything Else. It’s nice to make a tiny difference where I can, and anonymously at that.

I’ve been grappling a little bit with grace and karma today. On our way out the door, an elderly gentleman here accosted me to get me to sign a petition to reinstate the Evil Landlady, who got fired two weeks ago.

*hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa*

I know he had the hots for her so I can see why he would want the bitch back. I, on the other hand, have suffered undue amounts because of her negligence and nastiness, so HELL NO I don’t want her back.

Case in point, I got a package today from one of my author friends who sent me a signed book. Normally, I would never have gotten the package because I didn’t know it was coming. Only if I visited three times, prayed to the moon, danced a jig and produced a delivery confirmation, I MIGHT have gotten the package within the month.

But today, I got a note under my door announcing the package. (Which, they could have KNOCKED and HANDED IT TO ME.)

I went to see the kid in the rental office, and thanked him for letting me know a package had come. He said, and I quote, “Well, since old what’s-her-name took all the resident e-mail addresses, it was the only way I could think of to tell you that something had come for you.”

Old what’s-her-name. *snort*

I glanced at the old guy’s petition. It looked like he had signed a bunch of different names in different ink colors. They were all in the same large, slanted script. I’m guessing his petition hasn’t gotten a lot of support.

I was honest with him. I said that I’ve lived in places where the manager went above and beyond to help me. And here, simple courtesies or expected maintenance was laughed at repeatedly. So, thanks, but no I really don’t want to put my name on a cause that I don’t believe in.

He went OFF on me. YELLING OVER ME. That nothing was her fault and she did her best. I tried to interject that I agree — who the hell would WANT to run this albatross? Isn’t she happier without being responsible for Amityville anymore?

Blah blah more screaming. Mercifully, two other residents came in and I beat it out of there. I did tell him I would consider his request. That’s the best I could do.

Now, we all know I don’t intend to sign it. But as I thought about it, I was tossed out on my ass myself not too long ago. However, I imagine that someone, somewhere may have thought it was a shame … that I at least tried to be helpful and good and take care of people. And I just can’t say the same of her.

Nobody saved me, so there you have it. But then there’s that damn little voice asking me, “Well, maybe you have a chance to make sure someone else doesn’t get as screwed as you did.”

This “being a good person” thing is hard. She deserves nothing from me. I mentally said my goodbyes and wished her well. Can’t it end there? Or is God calling me to be a better person by forgiving her for all the hell and horror she inflicted on us?

Of course, you can’t buy grace. Doing a good deed against my bloody will isn’t going to get me an income I can rely on. It’s not going to heal my mom. It’s not going to write these ridiculous articles that I am appalled I have to lose sleep over.

I don’t want to carry a grudge. If they WOULD consider rehiring old what’s-her-name, I would hate to be complicit in that. That’s like your kidnapper letting you go and you turning back. Hell to the naw.

What would have happened had my job asked me back? Yay salary. (God I miss that part.) But would you really want to go back and always be walking on eggshells?

I don’t know why this bothers me so much. I guess being the windshield while the birds circle you is an altogether too familiar feeling. As a human, I would want to spare another human from that feeling. But as Goddess thinking about how treacherous Evil Landlady has always been, I’m going to have to work on my grace and forgiveness skills.

And frankly, I’ve watched the bitch treat the elderly gentleman who’s fighting for her terribly. Men are so freaking dumb sometimes. All she had to do was toss around her greasy blonde hair and he was hooked all over again. Pity. I’ll bet he thinks this heroic effort on his part will woo her.

And with that, I realize my life feels pretty cruddy right now, sure. But at least maybe it is that I’m smart enough not to succeed, rather than dumb enough. I don’t know. I guess I only have enough left in me to help those who deserve it, and I hope that somewhere someone feels like I deserve their help as well.

So, yeah, no more Evil Landlady. The place doesn’t run any worse without her. And I’m thinking most of the other residents feel the same way. But it does make me realize that even the next person won’t be on my side, either. So, it’s just about my time to go. Ergo, I am thanking God for my exit plan, whatever that may be, because I have to believe it’s on its way.

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So …

Not only did a beloved colleague leave this earth on Saturday, but it appears a friend from high school took his own life somewhere between yesterday and today.

The latter is unconfirmed at this point, but I know. I always wondered. I watched his Facebook posts and knew he had a dark sense of humor. But I always wondered whether he were masking something deeper. Yet, I know how annoyed I get every time I say something dark and suddenly everyone jumps on suicide watch. So I never really probed.

I guess I should have.

I’m in the throes of a very acute depression. Look, I know things aren’t great. But I know they’re really not all THAT bad either. All this death isn’t really helping matters, but it’s only the cherry on top of a shit sundae at this point.

The friend we learned about today … damn. Actually a nice, good-looking guy who plays in a band. I ran into him a couple years ago at a hardware store called Busy Beaver. My mother had been scared out of her wits by a giant beaver cut-out and told my friend, who was ringing us up, “Your beaver scared me!”

He and I had a good laugh. Go, Mom. He looked good. (I’m a sucker for the long-haired dudes.) He seemed happy enough, working a less-than-stimulating job that freed up his nights to play in his band.

Happy enough, indeed. Aren’t we all, though?

And now I’m seeing all these trite, trite messages posted on his Facebook wall. Sure, you can tell the heartfelt ones. He had some good friends, you can tell. But all the bullshit about “it gets better” and “I wish you would have called me,” I have to say, “Really?”

I mean, when I get down in the dumps and I get those lines, I roll my eyes. Fuck you, you don’t know the whole story. Screw you, just let me work out my sadness and I’ll be OK. Or, really, happy-positive “it’ll be OK” person? Are you just gonna shit some sunshine my way and keep on flying so you don’t have to hear what may or may not be behind whatever hunk of crap I spewed at a particular moment?

I’m not saying this about my friends, mind you. Just, when you open yourself up via social media, you get those people who don’t know you and never will … people who pat themselves on the back for crapping out some platitude … people who credit themselves with saving you from some abyss that you may not even have been contemplating?

I know, I’m going all over the place here. Yes, I have depression and it’s a little more intense right now than usual. No, I’m not jumping off the balcony. Yes, I’m going to say I’m ready to jump. Maybe I’ve contemplated it. No, I could not hoist my pudgy pork roast butt over the railing right now. Yes, I’m hanging in there for better days. No, I don’t know when they’re coming. Yes, I’ve talked to God about everything, and thanked Him for all His grace up till now and the grace I’ll receive in the future.

Anyway, I guess what I AM saying is that I’ve never been one to say the right thing to someone’s family when they die, because I don’t know what to say. Nor have I been particularly good at mitigating suicidal thoughts of others. I’m the friend you call when you want to vent about how bad things are without me interrupting too much. I’ll shoulder the load with you. I’ll share my hope that this ain’t as good as it gets. And I’ll tell you I love you no matter what your heart says to do, and that my phone is on any old time you need it.

A friend recently mused to me that she’s never really witnessed anyone showing me any sort of kindness. That made me sad. (Like I wasn’t already.) But I didn’t have the words at the time to say, no actually, I’ve gotten more favor than I’ve ever admitted. Sure, I’ve got shat upon … more than my fair share, there. But the blessings balance everything else out. You just tend to remember the hurts more because they seem to last longer.

Anyway, I like that “happy enough” thing. Between last night and today, three friends called out of the blue to give me an “atta girl.” They know me. They know I’m super-sensitive these days. They also don’t b.s. me. They’re not telling me “it’ll get better.” They’re telling me, “You will make it better.” We know the hand of fate is just as likely to deliver a bitchslap as it does a pat on the back. All we can do is buck up and live to tell our story one more day.

As one friend said, “Each day is wonderful. Some are more so than others.” I liked that.

Today is less wonderful than others. But it’s not terrible. Like I said, I heard from some wonderful people from my past, and not just by phone but also e-mail. The extended family is drawing closer together again. We lost one of our own and we need to know the others are OK.

And now, the high school friend. I don’t think I could have said or done anything to change his mind. But my heart does wonder whether I could have done something … stayed in touch or said a kind word that would have changed everything.

Naturally, I know there’s no turning back now and, even so, nothing little would have changed such a big outcome.

I’m just feeling small and helpless tonight, partially about the events in my own life but mostly about Everything Else. I can change my destiny. I still have time and the ability. Maybe I’ll never be ecstatic about my life. But happy’s OK. I’ll take it.

I’ve often said that I decided to move to Florida in big part because we lost Leanne. Now that we’ve lost Chip and Lynn, maybe I’ve just found my reasons to fight to stay. I love it here. I want to make it here. I’m tired of running away. I’m perfectly happy where I am. Now all I need is that thing to fight for that will keep me where I finally and truly want to be.

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O HAI Mother Nature’s wrath on the D.C. Suburbs

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I had Big Plans for this blog this weekend. And then with a phone call from an old friend today, everything changed in an instant.

One of my beloved colleagues died yesterday. I would say “passed away” but he would have pulled out a stylebook and corrected me on proper word usage, so I wouldn’t dare use a euphemism here.

This photo was a view from our office just outside D.C. Well, it wasn’t *our* view, as we were in another corner of the building, separated by the “hedge” of a shared cubicle wall … or, as he referred to it, a corral. He had a point there!

My friend who reached out to me, knows I’ve been going through Some Shit these past few weeks. And she reminded me that everything is all just Stupid Shit, and today’s news proves it.

Tonight I’m going to pour myself a nice stiff drink in honor of our friend. And I’ll try very hard not to think about how he was just two years away from retirement. Nor will my mind wander too far as I contemplate how he was hanging onto a similar career that I fight so hard to claw my way back into. Was it worth it for him? Is it worth it for me? Who knows.

I’ll be praying for my charming old friend tonight, and his extraordinary wife and their fantastic kids. It was hard enough when our beloved department was disbanded and we were all flung to the four corners of the company. But we’re all still “out there,” you know? We all still call and e-mail and keep our family intact as much as we can. No one has exited stage left before, though. This is a first, and I don’t like it one bit.

I’ve been sad all weekend about the steaming shitpile my own life has become. But then again, it always was one. Of course, I did come to an epiphany this weekend, that I can’t stand up and fight for what my mom needs because I’ve never stood my own ground to fight for ME.

I did that last week, though. I said “Enough!” and made it so. It may cause more harm than good down the line, but right now, I’m healthier than I have been since the end of August. Maybe by picking my own battles, and knowing which ones to leave the hell behind, I’ll do better as an advocate for my mom. Can’t do any worse, at this point.

And now that my buddy is gone, it really reminds me that life can be a joke sometimes, but it’s also just a moment in the grander scheme of the universe. There’s always tomorrow, so we waste our todays, thinking there’s an infinite amount of time just waiting for us to use. Not so much, eh?

Rest in peace, friend. I’m better for having known you, and luckier still for becoming a part of your extended family … and having you in mine.

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I caught this article on BNET on “The Case for Quitting” and had to share.

Particularly intriguing is the idea of “sunk costs,” where you’ve already invested so much time and/or money into a job or project that you might as well see the damn thing through to completion.

So, I left another freelance job. (I know, who DOES that in this economy?) It should have been everything I ever dreamed of and more. Yet my insides were turning black from both worry and the pack-a-day cigarette habit I’ve developed over the past two weeks.

It was the right thing to do for me. I’ve stuck it out too many times for all the wrong reasons. I wish them well and I tried to leave the door open to return again at a better time for all of us.

Right now, I’m focusing on my job search. God, I need a miracle on this one. I really do. And please save me from poor or rash judgment — finding a gig isn’t the problem, but identifying and going after the right one, however, I could use a lil help with.

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Yellow Brick Road

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Well, I asked God for a sign about my life, as I took a shortcut to Costco, and here’s what I saw. Follow the Yellow Brick Road, indeed.

I have had a very, VERY stressful few weeks. And today, I let that stress go. I wasn’t sleeping or eating or doing anything other than mainlining coffee and smoking.

Today I ate. (My mommy is the best cook, yo.) Today I also let go of something that promised to be great but isn’t a good fit for me right now, for reasons I will explain in a blog post in about a year from now.

I took a big leap of faith. And I fell flat. And it’s ugly. But, I promised mom we will be OK. Because I haven’t been anywhere near strong or functional for her, and she needs the “good” me right now. I’ve been unable to give her that for too long, and now that I WANT to be good for/to her, I can’t do it the way things are now.

I have a list of “What’s Important” taped on the wall next to my computer. It’s seven simple goals that, if I am not working toward any of them at any given time, then I need to change my direction. The end.

Well, since those seven things are all sitting there, staring at me quizzically every single day, it’s time to stop averting my eyes.

I don’t know where my Yellow Brick Road is, let alone where it will lead. But now I’m inspired to go find it … and after a small healing period I’m allowing myself, I’m going to go hunting for it.

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