Caterwauling

I keep thinking that it might be wise to create a category called “Tuesday Randomness” because it is the title that comes to mind this time every week because everything that pops up is always so damned random.

So without further ado, the inaugural (and, let’s face it, only) Tuesday Randomness!

GOT YER POSTAGE RIGHT HERE, BAYBEE

Ah, the post office on tax-deadline day. Organized chaos, I guess. The line to get in was wrapped around a full city block, and the only reason I was there was to buy a stamp, as who actually MAILS shit? I pay all my bills online. I’ve used about 15 checks in my checkbook, because those were for rent payments and deposits on new places. No sense in even changing the address on ’em, at this point.

I ended up helping an elderly man once I was inside — he was struggling with the postage machine. First it was understanding it, then it was trying to get the damn thing to accept the crisp bill he was inserting. Finally I ended up giving him change for a $5 so he could get his stamps. Poor guy. 🙂

This morning I stopped at the grocery store to pick up lunch (which is still sitting in the fridge, uneaten), and not a goddamned soul was working. So I ended up helping the elderly set to use the self-checkout. Then when it was my turn, all went well until the machine refused my debit card. Christ. Figures — the only one who knows how to use the fucking machine, it breaks for!

FALSE ‘IDOLS’

Lakeisha just sucked. Wow. I was sort of predicting her to be next to go (after that oxygen thief San-jay-jay, whenever that will happen), because she seems so uncomfortable in her own skin. And that’s hard to watch, because for those of us who might ever feel that way about ourselves sometimes, it’s tres icky to watch it happening to others. She ain’t winning this thing, sad to say.

I’m just thrilled, though, to be watching Martina McBride. The woman’s beautiful, her voice is a powerhouse and, hell, I love me some good country music. And Jordin Sparks sung her “Broken Wing” song. *swoon* I daresay it was as good as the original, if not better.

PERHAPS I AM SANJAYA

I’ve been enjoying my job security a little too much — I’m two steps away from coming in there in a kerchief and a bad body wave (like San-jay-jay did tonight) and screeching at the top of my lungs. We finally discovered tonight WHY I’m so behind in everything. Turns out that doing work for everyone else means mine falls by the wayside. But I finally have a start date for my new hire, and while it can’t come soon enough, at least it’s coming. But man, the hoops required to make it happen. Sheesh. Like my old friend Kathy used to say, “I have more ass than you have teeth, so keep chewing (it out)!” Freaking act of congress, I’ll tell you. But the wait? Will be SO worth it.

ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER

My best friend and I talk pretty much every other day. Usually it’s me calling for advice or to share the latest gossip or to just squee over fun stuff or ask for her to set me on the right track if I feel like I’m aimless. But today, she was the one looking for me to give her the reason to look at the bright side. Yes, me as the person directing others to the bright side. Pause and ponder, kids. 😉

That’s the beauty of old friends. We know where each other came from, and how long and hard the road was. Perspective doesn’t come easily, but when it comes from someone else you think the world of, it’s not something you can ever argue with. I’m glad to be in a position to drop everything else and mend someone’s heart, as that heart has saved me on countless occasions. And the thing that makes both of us the happiest? Hearing the other one achieving success. Because it’s a victory for both of us. There are the assholes who begrudge you the slightest upswing, but real friends root for you as hard as they wish for themselves. Maybe we even advocate for our loved ones even harder.

CRYPTIC STUFF

OMG, happy. Happy, happy, happy. Everything’s going so well right now. *knock on wood* I hate even having to think to knock on wood, but hey, I ain’t jinxing nothin’. 🙂 Funny how we’re so damned bewildered when luck runs smack into us, after so much time spent looking for it. But that’s the problem — when you’re having fun and not looking, the fun manages to continue.

I like it when life’s interesting in a good way — I know, duh, who doesn’t? But I keep so much to myself. Not necessarily in fear of jinxing stuff (OK, so maybe I do), but what’s amazing is that when you set your mind on something, it somehow migrates closer — sometimes within your grasp. Even if it seems far away, it’s still comforting knowing that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t an oncoming train. 😉

Turned in my keys to the old place today. I’m sad, in a way. I had a lot of dreams that I planned to achieve while I was there. Seeing the place empty and sparkling, just like it was last year, was bittersweet, because I know the adventures that lie ahead don’t even compare to the ones I conquered thus far.

If there’s one thing that’s true of me, it’s that I don’t get hung up in sentimentality. Maybe it’s the Gemini in me, who can turn emotions on and off as needed, because I was going to take photos, just to remember. But I didn’t. I don’t have a single photo of that apartment, and I don’t need one. Just another thing to get shoved into the iPhoto archive, and I already have 40 billion pix in there preserving memories that might not have been altogether that happy anyway.

If I think about it, I don’t have a lot of photos of people. Tons of scenery — lakes and mountains and sunsets and the like. But the people who meant the most to me, I never did get around to committing to Kodak paper. I remember their eyes, the pace at which they breathed, what made them smile, the way I felt when they smiled at me. The only three-dimensional photographs are the ones the heart takes.

In any event, the old place raped me for a $300 final gas bill. The hell? I’ve had the heat off since February. (Yep, I’m cold-blooded, funny you should ask.) Heh. Just wait till they see how much I underpaid my April rent. 😉 But I did tell the girl who signed me out how much I loved living there. She asked why I didn’t stay in the building, and I spared her the three million blog entries in which I’ve bitched to high hell about their incompetence. It’s irrelevant now. I simply said it was my unit that held the magic — that the stars couldn’t align to produce something else I loved just as much. Well, not there, anyway.

The metaphor carries over to life. Beauty is available everywhere, but it’s usually the last place where you’d expect to look that you’d find an overabundance of it. Perhaps all the frustrations and getting lost along the way and general malaise that threatens to hold you back is your test to see if you’re deserving of what previously eluded you. I don’t know. We’ll see, friends. We’ll see. …

Just finished cleaning the apartment I’m vacating. There are a couple of things still in it — just some trash and my recycling bin, but I’ll turn those in when I’m ready to surrender the keys, the parking passes, the pool passes, the guest parking passes and all the other shit that I’ve pretty much left stuffed in the envelope they gave me one year ago today.

If I don’t get a security deposit, someone will die. That’s all I have to say about that.

I’m such an idiot. This was my big cleanup weekend, and I spent most of the weekend, well, otherwise occupied. Not to mention how behind I am at work. *sigh* If this were a normal weekend, I probably would have been killing myself to catch up there. They really do want us to have lives and social calendars and such, but when you start to juggle those in? It’s like taking your eyes off the prize.

I’ll catch up — no doubt about it. Or at least I’ll get to a point where I’m not too *terribly* behind again. But when you’ve got more stuff in your head than what you get paid for, well, something has to give. I hope everyone will understand that my head’s been sort of up my butt for the past couple of weeks. And probably for the next couple as well. 😉

Personally, I’m just looking forward to catching up with manicures and pedicures again. And washing my car, as it’s been rather pointless till now, what with the weather, the constantly hauling shit all over D.C. and the stupid bitch who rear-ended me at Starbucks. But it’s all good — it’s all in the past now. The present is a lot more entertaining to, well, entertain at this juncture.

I know there was never any doubt that I’d emerge triumphant on the other side of all of this, but now that it’s here, it simultaneously seems like it was a long time coming as well as a total surprise that, yeah, it’s onward and upward from here. Onward ho!!! 😀

I just spent half the night on my knees, and boy am I in agony. (I was scrubbing floors/walls/ceilings, people — don’t get too excited now!) 😉

The day today went completely differently than I’d expected, but I think that’s why I don’t oftentimes make solid plans — wherever I end up is usually a hell of a lot better than whatever I was originally anticipating. Today was no exception.

I haven’t had many dreams of my grandfather lately. Of course, that could be tied to the irrepressible insomnia that has plagued me in the five months since he died, not to mention the month leading up to it.

In any event, I dreamed that he was able to meet Mom and me for dinner. She had seen/spoke to him to make the date, and she didn’t tell me where we were going. And he was there at the restaurant, not doing anything but simply sitting still and beaming when he saw us — just like he always had. We ordered food but nobody touched it. Mom had a million things to say to him, but I was somewhat immobile — I could only stare at him and just be grateful for these extra moments.

Finally, he looked at me as if to encourage me to speak already. And in the dream, clear as day, I proclaimed that I’d dreamed a million times about being able to see him again, but I had never prepared what it was that I could say because I never actually believed I’d get the opportunity during the remainder of my little lifetime. And here I was, in the moment I’d wished for, and all I could do is tell him how much I loved him and missed him.

And it was enough. There was nothing more to say, as that said it all.

In the few dreams I’ve had of him in the past couple of months, I was terrified in them. I knew that they couldn’t be anything but a dream, yet I always felt like there was something I could do to reverse the course that things took. Last night, I finally just accepted that this is the way it happened, and to let him know that he’s in my heart.

I don’t feel like he’s crossed over yet; I felt like my grandmother went quickly and took the Acela Express to Heaven, but that he’s been hanging around, waiting to make sure Mom and I are OK before he goes ahead and joins her. Last night’s moments gave me hope that he’s ready to chase some clouds and just peek down on us occasionally instead of all the time.

Don’t worry about us, Grampy. We’ll be fine, hopefully sooner rather than later. You made us strong, and taught us to love ourselves. We’re getting by. And someday, it’ll be even better than that. Thanks for putting in a good word for us, wherever you’ve done it, because things are really starting ot turn around. I hate it that you’re not here to be a part of it, but something tells me you’re enjoying the view wherever you are. …

Bon Jovi’s new single, “(You Want to) Make a Memory,” is coming to iTunes on Tuesday, April 14.

Since I lose all the Post-It Notes on which I write shit, this serves as the “note to self” I cannot *possibly* lose this time around.

And, um, *squee*!!!!

I’m trying very hard to stay positive and not waver in my faith in some folks as well as in myself. But today? It’s tough.

Let it be said that my faith in humanity is rock-solid right now. But on an individual level, well, let’s take it on a case-by-case basis today, shall we?

How do I put this delicately? I guess I just want to say that it *seems* like some of us hurt each other repeatedly — inadvertently, but on purpose too. You break my heart, time and again, and it seems that I can do the same to you just as easily. But I don’t want to be so bold as to surmise that.

I don’t want us to keep hurting each other the way we do, but it’s the one thing we can’t talk about. So if we don’t acknowledge it, then it never happens, right? Which means, how can you bring up something that doesn’t technically exist?

But enough about those who matter — the ones who make me ache because I care so very much — let’s move on to the rest of the universe. That said, God, you can get such a glimpse of someone from a two-minute conversation. My blood chilled.

I’m sure they walked away feeling superior, and well, have at it. Really. I apologized for an error of omission — and earnestly, at that — and while I don’t intimidate easily (and I didn’t, in this case), it’s been a long time since I felt so not-good after a “friendly” discussion.

The dichotomy is remarkable, really. The ones I *can* say anything to, I don’t. But the unknown entities? Don’t scare me, not one bit. Can’t we all just get along?!?!

Fuck.

I have huge plans that involve cleaning apartments this weekend. (Riveting.) BUT I forgot I made plans to meet up with some folks tomorrow.

I’ve been social enough this week, but I’m not one to cancel plans. I wonder just how much time it will take to do my life-related crap. Oh well — I don’t do anything unless there’s a fire lit under my ass, so I guess I can’t complain that I actually have REASONS to wrap up the boring crap because there’s, oh, non-boring crap with which to reward myself!

So Imus gets fired, but Ann Coulter remains free to spout her idiotic opinions wherever she can. Humph. Interesting.

Speaking of marshmallows for brains, check out the WaPo’s “Peep Show” contest.

My favorite? “I gave her my heart; she gave me a Peep”: