Caterwauling

I only follow a couple influencers.

A lady near Seattle who raises kittens and gets them ready for adoption.

A fellow big girl with a bubbly personality from outside NYC who tries on clothes at places where I shop.

The cat lady has four cats of her own, two of which are the real foster parents. Poppy and Deckster absolutely love on those kittens. And that’s who I want to read about.

The fashionista gives me a realistic look at clothes and sizes. But I’ve fallen in love with her daughter and now her brand new baby girl.

The funny thing is the new baby has the name I planned to use when I had a daughter, Savannah Rose.

Well, glad someone’s got the name. My baby factory is far from closed. But it’s starting to show signs of disrepair.

I don’t feel any sort of way about it. If anything, it’s a “how cool is it that I found this lady to follow” thing.

But I can’t help but think back to Mike.

Look, sure I said I wanted to marry him. But whatever, here we are.

I was clear back then that I was ready for marriage. That I wanted to buy a car that would fit a carseat.

He twisted that somehow into me wanting him for his money (that he didn’t have) and that I wanted him to take care of my mom (say what).

I connected immediately with Taylor Swift’s “Eldest Daughter” when it came out last fall.

“We lie back
A beautiful, beautiful time-lapse
Ferris wheels, kisses, and lilacs
And things I said were dumb
‘Cause I thought that I’d never find that
Beautiful, beautiful life that
Shimmers that innocent light back
Like when we were young.”

It’s admitting you want the fairy tale, the one you spent your life saying you didn’t.

Now I don’t blame him for not having my daughter. Not a bit. Maybe at 30-ish I was already past my prime pregnancy years anyway.

But I do feel A Way about letting myself openly want something and knowing now that he was my last chance to have it.

I was going through some old shit this weekend. Found a baby bib I’d bought back then.

It’s shamrock-shaped. Mike is Irish AF.

So I am sure that stupid piece of fabric is what even got me to thinking today on this holiest of drinking holidays.

And to connect with him again last week … and know he never got married or had any kids either … yeah.

I mean, I’m still convinced Whorothy’s eldest is his. But not my business.

I don’t stay in that past. My little brain fast forwards to the someone else, one who took me on Ferris wheels.

I remember how absolutely standoffish I was most of the time.

I watned nothing to do with him at first. This is why.

This is allll why.

And then he left too.

“Pretty soon, I learned cautious discretion
When your first crush crushes something kind
When I said I don’t believe in marriage
That was a lie”

I mean, all’s well that ends well. And even that ends not so well.

“My heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue
All’s well that ends well to end up with you”

I mean I could be here with a 10 or 14-year-old child and the same job and same husband (maybe) but never saw as much of the world as I have. So there’s that.

Anyway, have a good little life, Savannah Rose. May you meet more men like your dad and not ones who weren’t man enough to have given me you instead.

I saw an interview with Nicole Kidman after she lost her mom.

She said that’s the biggest part of loss — you’ve lost the person who knew everything.

I don’t say a lot these days. Giving the backstory to all the bullshit is too much for me.

I know I bored her to absolute tears with all my yapping about work and Mike and Goonhilda whatever else.

A friend said she wasn’t bored, but I’m not so sure.

It’s not that she let on about being over it. Whereas I am the first to let you know I have checked out of a conversation.

I loved that she had the backstory.

I could show her a photo and she’d cackle.

Or she could send ME a meme and we’d just know who that was about.

Every now and again, karma will bite Goonhilda.

I enjoy it when it shows up on my radar.

And I am just as fine knowing that there’s got to be a lot of that, that I don’t see.

That’s the best kind of karma, my nail tech tells me.

The kind you aren’t privy to.

While I miss snarking with Momma, somewhere I know Mom is seeing it.

Like yeah, well you shouldn’t have been such a cunt to my baby, hoe.

But I know that no matter what I do, Momma is still the only one who knows.

Still the only one who doesn’t need the backstory.

And is still saying to anyone she sees that, “See that one? That’s my baby. And I’m so proud of her.”

I feel like the time is coming to give her something to be really proud of.

I don’t know what. Or when. Or how.

But, it’s time to give her a show.

After all, she exited stage left at every opportunity so I could be the one to shine.

Time to show her she chose correctly.

“And some things you just can’t speak about.”

Some fireman gave me these beads in Delray today

I have had the smell of the cancer center in my nose all day.

It just hit me that he might have gotten his box of Paddy’s day beads from a hospital.

“The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters
But no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl.”

Man no wonder why I am in tears.

I thought it was because my espresso martini was sucky.

Or because… on my way to Rose’s Daughter (my Gram was Rose so Rose’s Daughter was Wobin), the restaurant…

I heard “Grandpa Tell Me Bout the Good Old Days.”

A song Grampy loved.

Good old days, indeed.

Back before Mama Judd shot herself and Harvey Weinstein sexually assaulted Ashley Judd and exiled her from Hollywood. Before my Judd was a dud.

Before everyone I love died.

I just had a bad couple days at work, the one thing I lived for.

I put this job before all of them.

And now it’s like that’s what I gave my all to, and not my family? Really?

No wonder I drink.

I’ve been watching Teams, waiting for the big fat obituary … or even a tiny one at this rate, just take SOMEONE out of my misery …

When I decided to reach out to a psychic medium I’ve long followed.

It was just a one-question reading that I bought.

First time caller, longtime listener sort of thing.

I was nervous because I’ve been a fan of hers since the turn of the century. (hah, god we’re old)

Plus I remember how sad I was after I was in the room with a psychic medium who channeled everyone but Momma.

(That one ended up being very pro Charlie Kirk. So fuck her twice.)

I got my email reading yesterday.

Took me till about midnight to open it.

I cried.

She said your mom is a hoot and a half!

That Mom and I had traveled several lifetimes together.

That Mom can’t wait to show me around.

That she’s very busy. But she’s also very protective of me.

That she wishes she could have stayed, but in a body that wasn’t so broken.

All of this resonated with me.

“I’m very busy!” was one of her lines. And her “broken body” was something that frustrated her.

I gave this medium nothing other than can you channel my mom and can either or both of you tell me where I should move to.

Now that’s where the surprise came in.

She said my spirit guides told her I hate snow.

Check.

Orlando is cool but have you thought about the U.S. Southwest?

Not especially, no.

Well that’s where you’ll find your tribe.

What about Paris?

If you think Palm Beach is lonely, you won’t like living where you don’t speak the language.

Would I be happy if I stayed in FL?

Yes but don’t go further north than the apartment you have in mind now.

Other advice?

We see you wanting to get healthy and to write. Just move. It will happen.

Honestly? I didn’t tell her ANY of that.

I was very careful to not convey anything.

Just sent one photo of myself, at her request.

She looked at it and said is that your mom?

I laughed and cried. No, I said. But psychics always used to mix up our fortunes. I’d forgotten about that. How perfectly fitting that you’d look at me and see her.

Anyway.

“I can feel the thunder
Underneath my feet
I sold my soul for freedom
It’s lonely but it’s sweet”

She told me a couple other personality traits about me.

I told her everything resonated, and I thanked her.

I will definitely reach out for a real reading.

Mostly I am just glad that Mom isn’t hanging around me, waiting for me to die.

But that was interesting — she can’t wait to show you around.

I am proud that she’s out running her widdle weggins off again.

On the same day I talked to Mike, too. I think that text mixup happened right while the girl was doing my reading.

And Mike was so sad to hear she’s gone. She really liked him. I imagine she was the reason we have peace again now.

Well done, Wobin. Well done.

Maybe it’s Maybelline. But maybe it’s Mercury Retrograde.

My stroll down (er, across the highway from) Memory Lane … where I looked back at some guys I could have ended up with (but am not altogether unhappy I didn’t) … took a turn.

I just heard from the one I thought I would marry.

Every once in a while, I get an accidental message from him.

No big deal; Siri mixes up two of my Chrises all the time. So they know of each other now.

I gotta say, I am pleased to know I’m still in Mike’s phone.

We were shoved into an uncomfortable exchange a couple Fourth of Julys ago.

I ran into our mutual friend Kim, and she stuck us in a group chat.

I was annoyed, as Mike had walked away from me and I had done a LOT of healing to get over him.

And he did his level best to talk to HER in the group chat and not even say hello to me.

I deleted the chat without having typed a word into it.

Last year he sent me an accidental message.

I deleted that too.

Silent all these years, Tori Amos.

Today I decided to be an adult. He was texting someone about funeral arrangements.

So I said “You got the wrong girl, but I am very sorry for your profound loss.”

We ended up having a lovely chat.

That’s what happens when you grow up.

Proud of us both.

Was driving around, thinking about something I wrote the other day.

“I got Thoughts about two of them making the decision for me.”

I also meant what I wrote before it, that I am fine with not having to spend a life committed to (insert their activities).

But, you know. I was open to it at whatever time.

Hanging out in West Virginia (can you imagine?) … flying to Chicago (and seeing the outside of a hotel eventually) … shit, helping to care for their kid(s)?

All seems so useless now.

Maybe they knew me better than I wanted them to.

Or maybe whoever they COULD afford to marry was just pieces of me they didn’t take the time to see.

Look, nothing will pass me by that is meant for me.

And nothing that ISN’T meant for me will stay.

I got room in my bed (it is a nice bed) but not for any sort of could’ve beens.

This girl only sleeps with butterflies.

So go on and fly, boy.

I should really put Tori Amos’ show on my calendar so I don’t book a trip to Tokyo or something that day.

I was asleep for two hours before someone’s car alarm went off.

For 40 minutes.

Been walking the house for the last 2.5 hours since.

I wish them the same necrotizing fasciitis that seems to be taking over trump’s hands and behind his ear.

I mean, I hope HIS are fatal. This car asshole, I’d be fine if they just itched until they were driven slowly insane by it.

Something told me to post these.

Maybe because Shan just bought a house in Central Florida.

She’s ready to interrupt this bitch’s breakfast.

Then there’s this ass clown.

Drew says hi.

Just kidding. No he doesn’t. Ha!

I watched “Famous Last Words” with Eric Dane on Netflix yesterday.

It was so good.

Just him and an interviewer. No camera crew, nothing.

Just, tell your daughters everything you want them to know about their dad.

And when this airs, you will no longer be alive.

I’m such a fan of “McSteamy,” though I loved him on “Charmed” long before that.

His words really weren’t for me, as they were for Billie and Georgia.

But I was struck when the interviewer asked what’s next and Eric said, “When it’s lights out, I think that’s it.”

They talked lightly about signs and the idea of a spirit world. But he said he believes we take comfort in coincidences and call them signs.

I have been wondering the same lately.

I get SO many signs … and I believe in calling on the universe for help because I seem to GET it … that I can’t deny there are greater forces at work.

But I can’t define them.

And let’s face it, if there’s any justice in the universe, people named trump would be publicly executed by Jeffrey Epstein’s rape/sex trafficking victims.

But if this really is all there is, why are we not living and loving and traveling and being creative 24/7 if all we get is a few precious years while they lights are on?

Why do we live with the lights on “dim” knowing that we’re likelier to burn out than shine during this one and only life?

Rachel Zoe said something wise recently.

That men don’t marry the love of their lives.

They marry whoever’s around when they’re ready to get married.

Whoever makes things convenient for them.

The men were REAL quiet in the comments, for a change. And the married women were on the absolute attack, for the most part.

“He wuvvvvs me” comments. That everyone else was just a fling and he couldn’t POSSIBLY have picked anyone else.

The most prescient comment, though, was from a woman who said, “They usually can’t afford the love of his life.”

Several of us put a heart on that comment.

They can’t afford us. Mostly financial, if they lack the proverbial pot to piss in or window to throw it out of.

Whether in the first place or because they have to make big decisions about handing 50% of their assets to someone else.

I mean, sure, I never would have wanted to go to college football games … or ride scooters and play bored games … or pretend not to notice daily “alone time” whack off sessions … or go to Q-anon or Al-Anon meetings or whatever those are called.

So I am not going to break my neck looking back. Since not a ONE was able to say fuck it, you’re worth any price.

In which Spaceship Earth looked like an engagement ring.

And yet, people clasp their pearls when I am the same damn way.

No, I will not promise half my assets and all my well-being to anyone.

So I’m not putting down men for choosing what’s convenient, when I am over here doing the same.

But I got Thoughts about one or two of them making the decision for me.