Caterwauling

Warning: Meltdown ahead.

As Mom so eloquently said:

“You worked 55 hours last week … and did your other stuff … and didn’t sleep … and worked ahead … and worked while you were gone … and worked when you came back … and had to pack a lifetime into a weekday and a weekend day … would you stop even referring to that as a vacation?”

On top of it, when I booked the trip I was worried about Ebola. Honest to God I feel like I contracted it in the airport. I feel/look like hammered shit.

It’s probably the not-sleeping thanks to the overwork and the exposed nerve in the back of my mouth that has left my immune system helpless.

But while I’ve said a thousand times in my head that I am grateful for the mess that is my life that let me afford this small slice of something wonderful, if you look at it from Mom’s eyes, she’s right.

It’s bullshit that I have to kill myself to get what others are entitled to … that *I* am entitled to.

I’m going to be out again Monday. Maybe Tuesday. Haven’t decided. Either way it’s back to killing myself for one lousy day to myself.

And maybe after that I can get these damn wisdom teeth extracted. You know, in my copious amounts of free time.

Something has to give and I am really tired of it being me.

So I went from screaming toothache pain on Wednesday to honestly feeling zero pain for the past few days.

And then tonight, back in reality, the screaming ache has started again. Even worse.

This feels appropriate for some reason.

Five things making me happy today:

1. Being so far off the grid that only one person has any earthly idea where I spent my first “vacation” day in years.

2. Perfect days

3. “Sweet Caroline”

4. Priority boarding

5. The number 10

Pre-blogging this weekend in song. Because the further I stay away from a computer (notwithstanding the work I have to do because I wouldn’t forgive myself for what would happen if I didn’t), the happier I’ll be.

“Baby fall into my kiss
It should just happen like this
Trust it so much that there’s no one else but us and
This moment that says it’s so right
‘Cause that’s all we have in this life
Drink up this love, baby, give it all we got tonight.”

George Strait, “Give It All We Got Tonight”

“There’s half a million reasons
Why I’m on this plane tonight
And a half a million reasons
Why I almost missed my flight.”

— Nina Gordon, “Superstar”

See you on the flip side …

Miami International Airport

36 hours till my flight leaves.

No more mom being upset that I don’t have time to talk to her and she has nobody else to talk to.

No more evil landlady and her daily threatening “final notices” in my door yet the same asshole leaving the notes won’t knock and fix what’s broken.

No more job I used to love till I made a bad hire and now I just feel contempt that I work twice as hard to achieve even less.

I wish I could say no more screaming toothache. But it’s not like I have competent coverage to aid me in hanging out at the dentist for a day. See previous item.

God I hope my little black cloud doesn’t follow me out of Miami Thursday morning …

Mom: “So, you just paid for a flight. And a hotel room. And you’re going to be working at least part of the time, after scrambling to try to get ahead before you even go so that nobody can screw things up while you’re gone. Then you come back to all the stuff you weren’t able to get to. After never getting out of your room that is basically your office for the weekend, right? So tell me HOW is that a vacation?”

“Nobody can be that dumb without a doctor’s note.”

Being asked about someone’s capabilities.

And being asked in front of that person.

#grace

It’s been a bad weekend at Casa Caterwauling. Bad doesn’t even begin to cover it. Nor does “very bad.”

I was talking to my friend today and I said, you know, I thought that if I just stayed single and didn’t have kids, my life would turn out fine.

After all, I wouldn’t be poor if I had a good career, and I wouldn’t be relying on anyone for my happiness or security. And I wouldn’t be responsible for anyone else’s.

Negative on all accounts.

My friend offered some interesting perspective, though, having gone the opposite route. That they thought THAT route would provide the guarantee for happiness.

And … not so much.

Right now, I’m thinking of the closing scene in “Say Anything,” where Diane is afraid to fly and Lloyd tells her that once they hear the “ding” of the seatbelt sign, everything will be OK.

I’m waiting for my sign to feel OK. It’s happening in 100 hours. I can hang in there till then. I know it.

I just don’t know how to come back. But I’ll deal with that in seven days.