Was just catching up on “Grey’s Anatomy.”
Dr. Beltran died after guiding Millen through a surgery.
I was thinking, that’s how I’ll go out. Working. Coaching. Suffering in the corner and slipping out unnoticed.
What really struck me was how, when she told Dr. Ngudu what happened, he hugged her.
She could collapse, cry, find support in that awful moment.
I … never got that.
When my Momma died, I had a nurse and a mortician in my house shortly afterward.
Then, silence.
I’m not a hugger. That guy I wrote about yesterday will tell you I am not a hugger. Though he made me into a bit of one.
I don’t ever feel sorry for myself.
But in this random Sunday moment after I cooked my own breakfast (Mom’s were better) …
Where I watched my show (she hated it but watched it with me) …
With the doors open (she hated that, as people could see in the front or the cats could go out the back door, and I do not care about such things) …
I realized, not a soul hugged me or gave me any sort of physical comfort when my Mom died.
And that’s not anyone’s fault. I didn’t even tell anyone but my boss and my cousin for a good two months.
Though one of my beloved staffers drove her ass up here from two counties south to take me out for Greek food.
And another of my staffers sent me a gorgeous bouquet. (“Thank you for the lovely bouquet.”)
And Liz sent me a bouquet bigger than my doorway from the company.
My immediate boss asked me over a week later about sending me flowers.
I said Liz sent some from the company.
I mean, that’s really all anyone can expect, right? Other than her beloved staff showering her with gifts and food.
Liz retired soon after, with health problems only the big boss knew about. (The big boss called me to tell me about that.) I sent her a massive bouquet too. From me personally.
Anyway this isn’t about men. (It’s a shame the thought has to count since no one else male even HAD that thought.) But isn’t everything, really.
But it is about how I think Nicole was my first hug after Mom died.
My second hug was probably Jaclyn in New Orleans, as I put her on her plane (With the big boss on the phone).
And Ben and Karen were on MY flight to ATL, and we took pictures and hugged just outside the plane door.
These days, “Touch Me Not,” as Momma called me, now hugs random strangers. I’ve hugged a thousand people since then. Not for me, but when I see them in need.
I think the last hug JUST for me was when I saw Ben and Karen in Santa Ana. In October.
Anyway I’m over here processing not just Dr. Beltran’s death. But now Eric “McSteamy” Dane’s actual death is making me relive his “Grey’s” death … and Lexie’s and Derek’s and O’Malley’s and of course Denny’s.
I wonder if Mom hated that show because they showed what we experienced — incompetent, distracted doctors who kill good people.
That’s why I like it. We don’t get happy endings. And none of them do, either.