Caterwauling

Was listening to some vintage Zero 7, Sia’s band before she became Sia.

Do you believe
In what you see?
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see?

And it hit me in a big way that my house isn’t a home anymore.

It’s a waiting room.

I think my big adult child revelation that Momma gave me my freedom awakened my spirit.

I was glad to return to my home that’s midway between Lake Buena Vista and Key West. (Well, Delmonico’s and Baby’s Coffee if we’re being pedantic.)

But.

It’s not a home without Momma.

And while I love living where her and Cocoa’s spirits can easily find me waiting, that’s what it is.

A waiting room.

Waiting for my real life to begin.

Another fine song, this one from Colin Hay.

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened.
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, up this cobbled lane.
I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again.

I haven’t wanted to move since the price is right.

Or is it?

In the name of cheap rent, I have lousy electricity, few functional light sources, unreliable internet, no dishwasher, no microwave, no cooking fan, popcorn ceilings, toilets and drains that require constant maintenance by me …

But I also have a top-floor apartment (no thundercunts above me, woo), free internet/cable, free use of two pools, a carport, Intracoastal property, a view, a gated community, an elevator, a trash chute next to that elevator, a mailman who brings packages to my door, and a lanai with cute furniture.

Net-net, I win.

So anyone who sees fit to flap their yapper about me being a renter (as if they have credibility on any topic about me) can just go pay their second mortgage in silence.

(I think someone’s just jealous that I live on the water with all the freedom in the world.)

Look, I don’t know where to move to in what’s about to become Peter Thiel’s America after hell gets his boy back (any day now!).

But I have the freedom to go anywhere I want (anywhere I want, just not home).

So why not make the lurkers jealous and go somewhere really good?

I don’t want to say anything would beat this waiting room.

I used to say that about South Ocean Boulevard.

Yet I miss that place most of all.

I always think of Momma when I hear “A House in Nebraska.”

A House on South Ocean.

You and me against the world.
You were my (mom) and I your girl.
We had nothing except each other.
You were my whole world.
Then the day came and you were up and gone.

I am going to be a hot fucking mess when I hear this live.

I still call home that house in Nebraska.
Where we found each other on a dirty mattress on the second floor.
Where the world was empty, save you and I.
Where you came and I laughed.
And you left, and I cried.
Where you told me even if we died tonight,
That I’d die yours.

They died mine. All of them. Momma, Cokie, Kadie, Maddie.

And I’ll die theirs.

Just not here. But where?

I wasn’t going to go to Disney this past weekend.

But I had a bad week. So did Special K.

And I had seen something for sale at the Lake Buena Vista Costco that I wanted to get for her that my store doesn’t have.

So … why not.

I found a cute pumpkin Minnie shirt at Old Navy.

They were sold out of everything above an XS in ladies sizes.

So I got a kids’ shirt for like $8. And I freakin loved it.

I’d also bought a pumpkin Minnie light-up necklace at Family Dollar for $3.

Shallow shopaholic?

Or Gourd-geous Goddess?

You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

Strolled into Magic Kingdom right at 8 … just in time for the new Starlight parade.

Didn’t plan to catch the fireworks. But I did.

And it was the first time I got to see Tinkerbell during the display.

I thought that was only some 1960s Disneyland magic. Who knew!

I was marveling at how lucky I was to see all this.

And then I caught the second showing of the Starlight parade!

The Coco float was my favorite.

Anything Day of the Dead is my favorite. But Miguel and his alebrije Dante are my favorite-favorite.

I hear there’s a Coco Land in Disneyland for Spooky Szn. Hmm …

But it’s Daisy Duck who has my heart.

Not as a child. But as present-day Goddess.

The next day, I ran over to Epcot.

In honor of Taylor Swift’s “The Life of a Showgirl,” I had a shiny new tank top but with “The Life of a Park Girl” to wear.

I was walking to France and looked down at the International Gateway, where Daisy Duck was in her usual spot.

And since I have Daisy on my shirt, I HAD to stop, right?

Glad I packed this as my one outfit change!

Also I realize I am built like a duck. Momma called it duckbutt.

Daisy and I had a very good (albeit silent) conversation.

I thanked Daisy for being so sweet.

Who knew the exact moment my inner child got healed would get captured on my iPhone?

Look at my face.

Truly, she treated me like a VIP. Give that cast member all the raises.

I barely got back up to the bridge before I cried.

Hot, streaming tears. Silent ones, as I’ve gotten used to having in hospitals and tiny apartments.

But healing ones, for a change.

I closed my eyes and, as I always do when I’m doing something cool, I thanked the universe for my good fortune.

And, as I also always do, I said why for the love of God did my mom not have this same good fortune.

I mean I did bring her to Epcot once. But then the pandemic hit and then the cancer hit and it was over.

Then I had the realization that healed my inner adult child.

I thanked Momma for giving me my freedom while I’m still young and healthy enough to enjoy it.

It felt like shit to say it.

But there, after a big hug from Daisy Duck in my Daisy Duck shirt, I could not deny it.

I always thought Momma’s last gift was to be here for my 50th birthday.

But her letting me be free is definitely my 51st birthday gift.

I miss her terribly. I still put her cremains in the car when I travel. And I have pictures of her everywhere.

But those pictures are from long, long ago.

She hadn’t been that young, vibrant thing in a long time.

Not saying she should be gone. But she was not long for this world. I see that now.

My tarot cards when I asked about my longevity today gave me Queen of Wands.

So I’ll be a fat hot pain in the ass for a long, long time.

Emphasis fat.

I feed my inner child well.

It’s hard being an adult child without her adult. And Momma would want me to have Peeps ghosts and mummy fingers!

Hers would have been better of course. Punkin made everything better.

Everything.