Caterwauling

Midnight on the Intracoastal

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

“My, my, my it’s a beautiful world
I like driving in my car
Roll the top down, sometimes i travel quite far
Travel to the ocean and stare up at the stars
i like driving in my car.”

– Colin Hay, “Beautiful World”

(Serious hat-tip to Chris for turning me on to this song!)

As far as weekends go, this one has been mostly top-notch. Friday was exquisite, yesterday brought celebrating a dear friend’s birthday … in person! And today, well, I think I came close to getting a date.

So … win?

There’s this cute guy at church. I mean, my type. What is my type? Well, breathing, for starters. We could end the list there but luckily, I don’t have to. Jet-black hair and piercing blue eyes. Looks good, smells good … yeah, that’s about all I’ve gotten so far, but in my world, he’s a keeper so far.

Anyway, I’ll save today’s story for another day, but I’ve already written it off and filed it under, “The three of us would be SO HAPPY together. Run while you can!”

I’ve all but given up on happily ever after, since my life is a package deal.

It’s not all because of the over-extended hosueguest. I admit, she’s an easy scapegoat — an almost-willing target for my frustrations that I can’t direct anywhere else.

I *should* be like, hey, I’m a hot commodity and if you want a piece of this, Mom’s part of the deal.

But I have enough “quirks” (neuroses and other shortcomings) that could be deal-breakers enough on their own. No matter how equally “quirky” anyone is whom I meet, I can’t expect anyone to be accepting of ALL the baggage I bring.

But. …

If just for a moment, please let me revel in the boy with the magnificent blue eyes. in particular, how my entire being is consumed with — I dunno — something when he is near.

That could be someone special right there. Or, not. Whichever. But I can’t remember the last time I got all hot and bothered just by standing next to someone.

And whether it’s true or not, I’d like to believe that he (or whomever) would have more reasons to stay than to run away. But do I really need to put myself through the wringer just to ultimately endure the inevitable?

Or am I so disillusioned after being disappointed by so many, that I underestimate him — and, for that matter, perhaps I’ve pre-emptively written off so many more, and for nothing?

“And still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets
When you’ve given up the drink
And those nasty cigarettes
Now I leave the party early, at least with no regrets
I watch the sun as it comes up, I watch it as it sets
Yeah, this is as good as it gets.”

‘And bonfires lit up the shore’

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Yesterday = Best. Day. Ever.

A severe annoyance pre-8 a.m. could have put a damper on the day. I write off said annoyance to factors at work long before that.

Did a “work from home” day that was mostly spent between Barnes & Noble and Panera at CityPlace. I find I get more done while sitting in traffic than I do in the office — absolutely productive day.

It was also a gorgeous day. 80 degrees. Sunny. Breezy. Magnificent.

But alas, as I was wrapping up my projects for the day (to be resumed Sunday night), the skies parted and Moses came looking for animals to round up. So, I caught a movie (“It’s Complicated”) at the Parisian after the official “Yabba Dabba Do!” escaped my lips at quitting time.

The rain was light when I left and I wasn’t sure I was going to head down to Lake Worth for the beach bonfire, but I did. And just for me, I think, the rain stopped and I truly got to experience why people live in beach towns.

I admit, I never understood “beach people” until now. But sitting next to a huge fire pit in the sand and having the ocean just 12 feet away … aaah. This is my heaven. This is what I will aspire to, every day for the rest of my life.

I saw someone I know there — she introduced me to her friends and invited me to hang with her group. Which was so nice. I opted to do the lone-wolf thing, though. I have far too many half-formed ideas in my head and really enjoyed spending the evening with them.

My clothes, skin, hair — everything — were permeated with firewood and salt air, and it was good. In the elevator at my building, one gentleman said, “You must’ve gone to the bonfire.” It’s that potent. I’d like to bottle this scent and make perfume and candles out of it.

Speaking of (still) smelling like a fire pit, I must hop in the shower now to wash that lovely scent off of my skin. But I am certain, that, for the rest of my life, I will never forget dancing barefoot in the sand as the D.J. spun this glorious little tune. …

“Left a good job in the city,
Working for The Man every night and day,
And I never lost one minute of sleeping,
Worrying ’bout the way things might have been.

Big wheel keep on turning,
Proud Mary keep on burning,
Rolling, rolling, rolling on the river.

Cleaned a lot of plates in Memphis,
Pumped a lot of ‘tane down in New Orleans,
But I never saw the good side of the city,
Until I hitched a ride on a river boat queen.

Rolling, rolling, rolling on the river.
If you come down to the river,
Bet you gonna find some people who live.
You don’t have to worry ’cause you have no money,
People on the river are happy to give.”

– CCR (but Tina Turner’s version), “Proud Mary”

South for the winter

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Busy lil bee these days. I find myself not having enough time to accommodate all the work and play, which in my book is a Good Thing.

A beloved friend from D.C. (via Baltimore) moved down here and we took on the town last night. We went for a drink, we met cute boys, we had a great meal and, overall, we reveled in ocean-town life and how vastly improved it is from our Maryland motherland.

I think last night was the first time I ever referred to Florida as home. I have no doubt that it was knowing I have a friend who works down the street and also lives a few miles down on the same street I’m on.

I realized I’d simply forgotten to have fun. I suppose it’s something I have to put on my to-do list, somewhere between “write/edit this” and “publish that” and “don’t hit ‘snooze’ too many times.”

But in any event, I had fun and it wasn’t even scheduled, so I will have to do more of that! So good to be reminded. …

I often talk about “God encounters” and the people I meet when I might or might not realize I need them. And last night, we were that — I think — to a wonderful guy we met at the bar who was waiting for his date to arrive.

I had invited him to lean in and order his Jameson and water, as he wasn’t getting any love from the uber-busy bartenders. We got to talking and we learned he had fought hard to get to what was about to be his second date with someone he hasn’t seen in six weeks.

He told us a funny, embarrassing little story and asked if he should break the ice with his date with that. We gave him a resounding “no” but we did enjoy it — it just wasn’t second-date material.

He had gotten there way early to check out the place (and she was running late). He seemed very nervous and almost like he doubted that the night would be a success. My god, if he weren’t meeting another woman there. … *pant* *drool*

Anyway, our table became available and my friend went to grab it. I settled at the bar and wished him luck. I told him that we’d be there for a few hours if it didn’t work out the way he hoped — we’d be glad to welcome him back. He was relieved and grateful.

It was one of those moments when I wished I had handed him my business card (is that Eau de Desperation that you smell? Yes plz!), but I was content in knowing that he needed his confidence built up, and we did exactly that.

I also told him what to order, as I am sort of a regular and I have tried everything on the menu, extensive drink menu included.

I did try to find him before we left, just to see whether she showed up and if he looked to be having a good time. The place was packed and I canvassed most of it, but they weren’t to be found.

Perhaps their table was hidden outside, behind the restaurant, as many eateries in our land will provide tables and tiki torches for miles.

In any event, we were sending David from Fort Lauderdale good vibes, and I hope he got his coveted third date. Moreover, I hope she’s really worth it, because I’ve had a hell of a time meeting “good” guys like him in this area and I hope that these rare jewels end up with someone who deserves them.

Hopefully next time, we’ll meet someone just like him, who has eyes only for us. …

Have you ever been in a situation when you could put someone’s mind at ease by simply revealing the details that they seek — and showing them that what’s happening in your mind, heart and life honestly has nothing to do with them but is something else entirely that’s very private and personal — but the very fact that it’s something so deeply personal is why you’re not ready (if you ever will be) to share?

“We’re caught in a trap
I can’t walk out
Because I love you too much baby

Why can’t you see
What you’re doing to me
When you don’t believe a word I say?

We can’t go on together
With suspicious minds
And we can’t build our dreams
On suspicious minds

So, if an old friend I know
Drops by to say hello
Would I still see suspicion in your eyes?

Here we go again
Asking where I’ve been
You can’t see these tears are real
I’m crying

We can’t go on together
With suspicious minds
And be can’t build our dreams
On suspicious minds

Oh let our love survive
Or dry the tears from your eyes
Let’s don’t let a good thing die

When honey, you know
I’ve never lied to you
Mmm yeah, yeah.”

– Elvis Presley, “Suspicious Minds”

I tell ya, if the amount of blogging I’ve done (er, the lack thereof) so far in 2010 is any indication of how much personal writing I’ll do this year, this blog will be shut down by June. And other than losing my $10/month therapy, that’s really not a bad thing.

“There’s a place in the world for a gambler
There’s a burden that only he can bear
There’s a place in the world for a gambler
And he sees…oh, yes he sees…
And he sees…oh, yes he sees…”

“There’s a Place in the World for a Gambler” — Dan Fogelberg

I had one of those “God encounters” recently, when I found myself in deep conversation with a total stranger about, well, everything. God, it was cathartic.

We were confined to a small space for a couple of hours, both of us with the world weighing on our respective shoulders. If we had a common thread, it was that our great life skill was our ability to put hope on hold.

I found myself sharing stories that even my friends don’t know. The stories come easily because I continually turn them around in my head like a Rubik’s cube, trying desperately to get the colors to synchronize yet only ending up with one side being perfect and the rest a rainbow mess.

“There’s a song in the heart of a woman
That only the truest of loves can release
There’s a song in the heart of a woman
Set it free…oh, set it free
Set it free…oh, set it free
Set it free…oh, set it free.”

I unwittingly uncovered a scar that I try not to poke at. It’s there — I can see it with my heart.

Another friend has encouraged me to embrace my inner Julie Andrews … to go up to the mountaintop and sing my little heart out. But I can’t find the lyrics right now. I thought I’d had them memorized, and I fear that I’ve forgotten the melody for good.

This is a time of renewal for me. A time to start over, right where I’m standing.

I’d say I want a do-over on this life of mine, but the prospect of re-living it is scarier than a battered wife facing the world for the first time with her bruises covered by 10 layers of makeup.

“There’s a light in the depths of your darkness
There’s a calm at the eye of every storm
There’s a light in the depths of your darkness
Let it shine…oh, let it shine
Let it shine…oh, let it shine
Let it shine…oh, let it shine
Let it shine.”

It was strangely hard to say goodbye to my newfound friend. We hugged and finally exchanged names. We looked over our shoulders and waved as the distance grew greater.

And I did something I haven’t done in a long while — I burst into tears.

Happy ones.

Because God gave me a friend at the moment I needed one most. At a time when I feel like I’m the last sane person standing in my corner of the world.

And while everything else is a screwed-up pile of shit, I got a sign that not only will I get through this, but that God is watching me and will throw me a line when I need one.

2010 isn’t starting out quite the way I thought it would, but hope is far from being lost. I guess, if I want to experience a miracle, I’ve got to make it happen myself.

And soon enough, I won’t need makeup because the bruises will go away for good.