Caterwauling

I’d noted on F-book yesterday that “I’d rather be blogging.” Of course, one very astute male reader asked me if I were sure “blogging” was the verb I was searching for. Ah, he knows me so well!

I’ve sort of taken a vow of blog silence for the past few days and should probably continue it. And yet, here I am, a fountain of every emotion under the sun and yet with nowhere else constructive to channel it.

Big things are happening here at Casa Caterwauling. I mean, when I decide to stir up the pot to make things interesting, I end up with a Category 5 hurricane. And right now is about the force of a Cat 3, and things are building.

What exactly am I up to, though? Can’t say. I mean, if you’re in the inner circle, even Stevie Wonder could see what’s been coming. But what I think is astounding everyone is the balls it took to do what I’m doing.

And that right there tells me it was time. I mean, since when have I ever been nervous and afraid? (If you’ve been reading for a while, you know I’m the first to admit when I’m feeling that way. Your membership to Oversharers Anonymous automatically gives you full access to my neuroses.)

I can’t wait to write about what is going on. Because I need to overshare. I need to justify and pontificate and basically do the Snoopy dance on top of the doghouse. It’s very hard for me to make decisions alone. Well, I’ll take that back — it’s imperative for me to make decisions alone, but when I do, it’s impossible not to share the results with the world.

Perhaps it is approval I seek, but what’s so wrong with feeling validated once in a while?

I was talking to someone recently, who asked me where I thought I’d be in five years. Dream big, he told me. Anything in the world, what would I want.

And my heart broke clear in half inside my chest. With tears in my eyes (and this was a phone conversation), I said I didn’t know — I thought I’d forgotten how to dream.

“When did we stop taking pictures
And when did you lose all your fight
And where did you sign
Give up and resign
I never gave up on you
No, I never gave up on you.”

A Girl Called Eddy, “People Used to Dream“

This was a turning point in my mind. There have been many turning points, hence my head spinning and all. But I remembered our friend Leanne, who passed away almost a year ago very suddenly, and immediately stopped feeling sorry for myself for having too many choices.

There was a girl who loved and lived and who didn’t pass up an chance to see or do anything and took every opportunity to meet/connect with every human in her path. Damn aneurysm. Her passing was just so wrong, we all knew it had to mean something. But, what?

I wrote on Leanne’s F-book wall recently. I know she’s not “there” but I wanted to share something with her. I’ve wanted so much to do something with my life to honor hers and the way she lived so boldly and didn’t miss out on life and love and friendship.

When she had passed, I had this random epiphany that there was this boy! whom I! needed to be with!

HAH.

OK, so clearly THAT wasn’t one of my more-successful plans in life. Whatev. At least I checked my ass into Weight Watchers and can pretty much have any OTHER boy I want. So there. *pfffbbbttt*

But I’ve still been looking for something to fill that hole in my heart. The “OK, so what if you were gone tomorrow — what will you regret not doing?”

I never had that answer.

Until it presented itself to me.

I would never have thought of it otherwise.

So I’ve been walking around with this guilty conscience for a while. But on Monday, it evaporated. And I started making Plans.

And while I still can’t see where I’ll be in five years, I dread my 40th year (gah) far less than I did two weeks ago when I had that discussion about my future. It’s a start.

In any case, I thanked Leanne for it.

She didn’t even live to see 30, so far be it from me to even be nuts about turning 35 this year.

And so what if this is my early midlife crisis? Haven’t I earned it?

Anyway, kids, big, big things are in motion right now. And like I “told” Leanne, she’ll always be with me. And, guys, so will you. That’s what’s giving me the courage to at least give you something interesting to read about (eventually)!

Valentine’s Day ended up being all right. I have no complaints, just un-Tweeted thoughts that I knew better than to publish.

So, since I can’t say things like, oh, “How could you waste your time on her when you could have had me?” and “Against my better judgment, I’m thinking about you,” we’ll just mosey along to other topics like all the nice things people messaged to me to get me through the day.

Anyway, speaking of nice things, yesterday was all about food. But before I launch into that, I want to say that I lost 5.2 pounds last week alone, catapulting me over my anticipated 50-pound-loss mark. Go, me!

I got my 50-pound award, which is basically a copper donut to go on my copper keychain that accompanies the silver donut I got at 25 pounds down. I also got a magnet for the fridge with a star and a “50″ and a rainbow. Whee!

When I was asked to talk my milestone at my meeting, they were disappointed when I called it a fluke. I think the meeting leader was looking for some inspirational words for the rest of the group, but I said, “Look, I spent four days at a trade show, standing for 15 hours at a time. When I could find 20 minutes to shovel food in my mouth, I couldn’t exactly be picky. And don’t get me started on the booze I ingested.”

Actually, that’s a little bit of a stretch. My normal meeting leader (I had to go weigh in on a Wednesday instead of a Tuesday because I didn’t leave the office till after 10 p.m. on my regular meeting night) had told me, look, when your company is paying for it, get the fish. Be picky and rewrite the whole menu, if you want to. Don’t feel obligated to get the $20 hamburger (as I was captive in my hotel for a week) when you can spend six bucks more and get something that’s good for you.

He was SO right and I need to thank him. I always eat cheap, not healthily, when I travel. I see what everyone else is ordering and try to get an entree at that price or lower. And while I will probably always do that to some degree, I realized the ahi tuna appetizer at Sunset Sam’s cost the same as a chicken sandwich, and it was huge and filling and barely cost me any WW points. The chicken sammich would have cost me 10 points without condiments.

Of course, after yesterday, I’m sure I’ve found the five pounds I’d lost, as I went to Nagoya for lunch and Guapo’s for dinner.

Judging from my increasingly angry Tweets at Nagoya, I won’t be going back there. It’s tasty and cheap. If you don’t want service, this is a great place to eat.

I was going to go to Fontina Grill, which I love, love, love. But I don’t know. Sushi sounded better. The spicy mussel appetizer and spicy scallop roll as an entree made Goddess happy, just thinking about it.

So, I get seated, and am officially abandoned for 15 minutes. I had picked up a to-go menu so I figured out what I wanted. Then the server comes for my order, only to realize I don’t have a menu. She brings one back, but I said keep it — let me order so I can get on with my day.

I ordered diet coke without ice. As it was freezing and I was sitting in a corner with two windows, I said PLEASE no ice THREE TIMES.

So when she returned another 15 minutes later, guess what I got? ICE! *junk-punch*

Another 15 minutes later (yep, I was timing it), I got my food. Both the appetizer and the entree at once. Gee, thanks.

Lowest-possible tip, can has? Can has!

I think I had tweeted that “Nagoya” means “never gonna get served.” The food was really good, and totally cheap considering where it’s located (King Farm, Rockville). But since there were only two other tables occupied and I could SEE the chef making sushi 10 feet away, one wonders if they had to go to fucking Japan to GET my lunch.

So I ran into the same problem at Guapo’s, where I ordered soup and an entree, and everything came out at once. You know, I opted not to get the veggie fajitas because I didn’t want 15 plates in front of me. But yep, I had a bowl of soup, a side plate of soup fixins, and my spinach enchiladas. (And sangria glass, of course.) I know I was the only one to order a appetizer, but come on already — why punish me for it?

It was interesting how crowded the restaurant was. I go by there frequently and usually the two servers on duty are standing outside, waiting for paint to dry. Valentine’s Day probably singlehandedly served to boost the economy.

Anyway, as I messaged on Facebook, happy Valentine’s Day to all my boys … even the ones not smart enough to spend it with me. Especially them. If there’s a problem to having a harem (which, I’m finding, suits me JUST fine), it’s that there are no standouts waiting to swoop in and sweep you off your feet. You’d think at least one of them would be jealous that you’re out with someone else.

Of course, you wonder whether the one you’re thinking about, is thinking about you, too. Or if you’re like me, you were thinking about three of them and got yourself to sleep knowing that one or more of them probably said someone else’s name last night, but thought of you instead.

A girl can dream, anyway. …

Masts

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

What a week. Seriously. A girl needs a day off, and mentally checking out for an hour here and there does not qualify for vacation.

We do have a holiday on Monday, although I am inclined to use it to catch up with the tasks for which I lacked the needed mental acuity this week.

Some friends want to see “He’s Just Not that Into You” this weekend. I already saw it and meant to blog about it, but yeah — that mental acuity thing wasn’t quite present enough. All I have to say is:

1. I am Gigi. I mean, I am all of them to some degree (Anna, *cough cough*), but no one can quite compare to my “But the SIGNS are there!” wailing except for Gigi. (And yes, I still think I will be the exception, too. Nyah.)

2. This movie should come with Continuing Education Units for women. Seeing all your mistakes on the silver screen for just $12 is pretty damn humbling.

I’m hoping that today isn’t another one in which I am physically present and not much else. So, allow me to look at this lovely photo of a little pathway to the ocean for inspiration, and don’t mind me if I escape somewhere in my head to think about all the things that have happened since then.

And maybe one of these days, I will get a REAL vacation instead of “hey, I have five minutes to go do something for me.”

In any event, I wish everyone a happy V.D. and, while I do have plans, I am not even going to pretend that my mind might not just be wandering around unsupervised somewhere else. …

Heart of Palm

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

The Tired has finally hit.

Lots of travel, lots of standing around, lots of rushing from here to there, lots of “deadline? what deadline?” and lots of emotional upheaval has left a bitch in an exhausted state.

And don’t talk to me about today’s nine-page to-do list. Just, don’t. Don’t wanna. Waaah!

Am going to go lose myself in our CMS. Because THAT cheers a bitch up.

The saying “when it rains, it pours” is proving to be an understatement in my life. Oh. My. God. How is it that life can get stuck in a groove for years, and then suddenly it’s upside-down, turned-around and scattered seven ways to Sunday?

Oh well. Say O HAI to the palm tree that was right outside my hotel balcony last week. I am posting it because I need to remind myself that while we all have the monumental stuff and the decisions we have to make — things that can drive us batshit as we turn them over and over in our heads — it’s the little moments of color and clarity along the way that keep us sane.

Disclaimer: Today’s relentless droning sponsored by Meetings, and not enough sleep.

So let us take a break from our regularly scheduled navel-gazing — OK, so I’m lying, as things are definitely interesting around here — to head-scratch and to, fine, navel-gaze.

Someone from my way-distant past popped up on Facebook this week. And I keep seeing his shining face in the “People You Know” tool. I’m a half-step away from blocking him so I don’t have to see him. Because I? Am not going to be the one to friend him. But I don’t think I’d deny the request if he sent it first.

I don’t think I’m having a sentimental moment. I mean, he’s the reason why my weapon of choice in friendships and relationships that are going nowhere is silence. Don’t wanna deal with it anymore? Then walk away. Ingenious.

Of course, that’s assuming people get the hint. And don’t try to “get you” for having better things to do with your time.

*cough*

Anyway, I wish I could just see what he’s up to. And to feel that, even though we’ll NEVER get back to being as close as we were, we’re not sworn enemies, either. It’s hard when someone you loved and respected gives up on you. I had to give up on someone, and I know all the ridiculous levels of retaliation basically boiled down to that. It just gets to a point where you can’t re-friend someone who’s done their level best to destroy you. The end.

But I didn’t destroy this one. The friendship, sure, I neglected. But I thought I was growing and trying new things and meeting new people. I didn’t feel I deserved the outright disapproval when it came to one person in particular. (See: “someone who’s done their level best to destroy you.”)

He saw it coming. He predicted it. He had to walk away. I’d thought HE was the crazy one at the time. And as has held true in most of my relationships, I was the one who turned out to be dead-wrong.

Anyway, not only do I want to see how he turned out, but I also want him to know that I’m OK, too. That no one, and especially not THAT one, could break-a my stride.

I also need for him to know that perhaps walking away from me might have been the stupidest thing he’s ever done, but it was just one more heartbreak over which I triumphed.

I’m at the point where we could be Facebook friends. Not real friends. There’s no love left. No anger, either. Just, nothing. OK, so I dream about him once in a while. This is the first time he’s actually surfaced after I thought about him.

In any event, I’m giving him another week till he learns the awesome privacy settings and starts blocking me on F-book. And that’s fine. I ain’t mad about that.

But I also cannot wait until all of our mutual friends start sending him my name as a friend suggestion. I know I will never hear about it, but I would bet my ass that it will happen. Repeatedly.

I just hope no one suggests to me that I be the one to make the add. It’s hard enough not clicking on “Add As Friend” without any prompting.

We were inseparable, once upon a time. Long ago and far away. And the divide is too wide to even think about bridging, mostly because even if I went to meet him halfway, I don’t think he’d be on the other side.

I do hope he’s happy. I have always silently been rooting for him. And despite the gulf between us, I believe he’s wished me the same. I just wish there were some way to let him know that the door might be chain-locked right now, but it’s still always open. …