When inner bitches attack
Subtitle: ‘You. Ignorant. BITCH!’
Who hates laundry day? Nobody hates it more than my inner bitch. I swear, I am going to take a stroke one of these times when I am forced to wash my scandalous undies in public. Honestly.
I can’t tell you the last time I did laundry. Note that I have hundreds of outfits and that I only really do laundry every few months unless there’s some item I just have to have. I ran out of white shirts, which propagated this fiesta from hell.
OK, so I go to the one laundromat I can stand, over on Pickett Street. It’s packed, but I manage to get three washers (double and triple load). I don’t dry most of my clothes, but I figured I would need one or two dryers max. Anyway, this evil (rhymes with Bundt) who has Shit For Brains ends up claiming nine of the 17 dryers. NINE!!! She took two of them out from under me. The first one, I was making my way over to it with one of my wet loads, and she threw one single pair of shorts into it so as to claim it. I almost killed her, but alas, she was only warming up. She ran to her washer to get more clothes to throw into that dryer she claimed.
Oh, but wait, this Fish Stick on Legs gets worse. She ends up putting a piece of tape over the coin slot of each dryer she claimed. That’s how I know Shit for Brains took nine dryers.
OK, so 15 minutes later, another dryer opened up. I dashed to it with my whites. I was just about to touch the door when she YANKED it out of my hand and threw something into it. SHE BROKE MY NAIL — THIS MEANS WAR!!!
While sweet, demure (gag) Dawn had an out-of-body experience from the fury, the Inner Bitch stepped in and hissed, “You. Ignorant. Bitch!!!!” right in her face.
Her inner bitch stood there smugly, gloating that she had more than half of the dryers. Personally, I didn’t want my delicates to ever be in a machine after clothes that her ass had touched, so I knew there was no way I was going to wait around for one of HER dryers. Fuck, I ended up taking two wet loads to my car, figuring I’d just go to the bigger (yet more ghetto) laundromat over on Duke Street to use the dryers.
But my inner bitch wasn’t done yet. She knew that she was going to get her revenge and warned me to be patient.
My inner bitch rocks!
I finally got two dryers. I was very happy and went about returning my blood pressure to normal. I took my “good” clothes out to the car so that I could hang them to dry at home, and it was a sunny day and my inner bitch was positively radiant.
It occurred to me that my previous outburst didn’t affect her because she might not have had a grasp on the language. So, I set about making her life as difficult as possible, as my shit was in alternating dryers from hers. Hell, I even split a load and took a third dryer just so I could be in her way even more. Oh, and I was. Part of her language barrier clearly excluded the phrase “excuse me,” so I took great pleasure in parking my ass in the aisle and singing to myself and rummaging through each of my dryers, trying to see if maybe one single item might have been dry enough to remove before I set the next cycle in motion. She stood there huffing and puffing, trying to run over my foot with a wheeled basket, but my ass is bigger and I just jutted it out into the aisle that much more and stuck my leg out even farther. HAH! I also managed to open the dryer door and smack her husband in the head with it. And that one was pure accident!!!
AWWWW, TOO BAD — SO SAD!!!!
And if I ever see her there again, bitch is going down! Her time was NO MORE imporant than mine was — she could have given up one fucking dryer since she already had eight for her crotch-rotted underpants. *twitch*
Dear Higher Power: thank you for the great job. Now if you could just bring me some entertaining dates and an apartment with a washer, I will be a very good girl. Love, Dawn. 🙂
On iTunes: Lisa Stansfield, “Never Gonna Give You Up”
February 6th, 2005 at 8:37 PM
Your inner bitch kicks ass.
February 6th, 2005 at 9:12 PM
Someone dropped/lost their green silk knickers beside the washer in my apartment laundromat today – *Ooooo SCANDALOUS!!* Your inner bitch kicked that bitches crotch rotted underwearing ass!! People are such washer/dryer hogs at times!! “Fish stick on legs!!”–HEE! that is the funniest!! Too bad you couldn’t bonk her in the head with a “mini” box of detergent–hey that’s not cruel, it’d just sting a bit! 😉 Given I only have to walk a short distance (lucky me) to our apartment laundromat it is a trying experience at times too. Today for instance 1/2 of the 20 dryers were BROKEN!!! I lucked out and found 2 empty ones though. Laundry day totally kicks your ass sometimes!
–John
February 7th, 2005 at 12:34 AM
Tee hee. *snicker*
February 7th, 2005 at 1:17 AM
Girl, you go!!!
Seriously, I can’t stand bitches like that.
Good for you!
February 7th, 2005 at 2:05 PM
Unless she had octuplets or something, who the hell needs nine dryers?
Personally, what chaps my ass is when every single dryer in the place is filled with two-hours-cold clothes, and I’m desperately standing there with dripping wet ones right out of the washer. Always on a Sunday evening too. ARRRRGH!
February 7th, 2005 at 8:37 PM
Argh. Let’s not even TALK about the kids! One even had a plastic car that it was driving around. The rest were just screaming and getting underfoot and closing the washer doors when you weren’t done loading.
I have two washers/dryers in my basement for the building to use, but those bitches are always either broken or some asshole leaves their wet shit in there and you need surgical gloves to remove their skidmarked underwear so you can wash your shit. *twitch*
February 11th, 2005 at 9:08 PM
*applause*