Bag of tricks

I’ve been experiencing a lot of emotions of late, and no, I’m not hormonal or anything. 😉 I just find it funny that a woman with such intense feelings can even function in this world — it’s amazing I accomplish anything!

On Friday, I saw someone pop up on my buddy list (we use AIM at work, so I actually have it on nowadays!) whom I haven’t talked to in forever. This person doesn’t know the *new* screenname, as I transferred the buddy list but didn’t actually alert anyone to the change because, well, I am a working girl now. 🙂 In any event, I was debating about saying hello to said person if I ever caught him online when I was at home. At the same time, I was contacted out of the blue from the past. I believe that was a sign to not contact the person who was on my mind.

The thing is, right now, I find myself missing people. I’ve gotten a brand-new start on life, and whether I’ve wiped the slate clean or it was cleared for me, the fact remains that little from my past is in my present. But I barely have time for the ones who are still around — what compels me to consider reaching out to those who haven’t been around in awhile?

One in particular, I was debating about contacting. I mean, nothing was bad about what once was. I think my only fault in the entire situation is that I cared too much. I’d reached out once or twice, with no response, which killed me at first, but the pain eventually abates somewhat. Long ago, I had asked him what would become of our friendship if our lives took us down separate paths, and he’d assured me that we’d always be connected. And I’ve been bummed because that promise was not kept. On the other hand, perhaps the connection was made long ago and it truly is still there, even if we no longer do anything to nurture it. In any event, I am grateful for the time we had and for the opportunities for me to grow and to have someone so strong to be my safety net for such a long time. And maybe someone else needs him more than I do right now. And so, I wish him well, and I hope he knows he will always occupy a significant piece of real estate within my heart.

Even though my Inner Bitch is burning brightly, it’s such a cover sometimes. I feel like I try to entertain to cover up the fact that I don’t know where the fuck I’m going or what I’m doing. I mean, I worked very hard to sell myself to the “right” people, and I sold myself based on the person I used to be and the person who is still trapped within there somewhere. But the person I am right this second refuses to vacate the premises, and I don’t want her here. She’s unsure of herself and continually screws up everything she touches because she’s nervous that maybe she might not be able to get her specialness back and, damn it all anyway, maybe she should think about succumbing to mediocrity. What the hell? How do you exorcise such a demon? I tend to forget all that I’ve done right and, more importantly, all I’ve overcome and continue to surmount.

When you see me, you see someone who is confident. Scratch that veneer a bit, and you see a frightened little girl. But don’t handle me with the proverbial kid gloves — take my hand and lead me somewhere, anywhere and keep your expectations of me as high as possible. I will rise to them — I promise! It’s just hard to walk a tightrope when you’re not quite comfortable in your shoes, but once they’re broken in, I’ll be sailing along without the faintest memory of when I was afraid of heights.

It’s been awhile since I had any kind of, ahem, stirring in my loins. But I’ve been meeting some people (platonically, thanks!), and it occurs to me that maybe I’m not totally dead inside. This whole schtick I’ve been spewing about Valentine’s Day, well, I’m serious about it. In “The Wedding Date,” Dermot Mulroney’s character says that women have the exact love life they want. And while it sounds ludicrous on the surface — I mean, do we want to be lonely and miserable or with someone who makes us miserable? — I can relate in that I’d rather be alone than wish I were. I’d rather not have my heart broken, so I’ve kept it intact by not letting anyone even see that I have one. But it’s there. And it needs some good-old fashioned CPR to get it going again. And I am finally willing to consider giving it away to a good home. In the meantime, I guarantee it’s got to be somebody who kickstarts my imagination, because I’ve been terrified to close my eyes and dream. Help me to feel safe enough to close my eyes again, my someone, wherever you are.

I believe opportunities will present themselves, and I need to expand my vision to be able to appreciate them. In this case, please handle me with kid gloves at first. On the other hand, don’t give up on me. I will kick and scream and fight and run away. But I will be watching you in my peripheral vision. If you run away, I will say “Go figure.” If you come back, I will likely be yours — I’ve spent years pushing people out of my life (and some, granted, with good reason), and sometimes, you’ve got to tie my hands behind my head (rowr!) and take over. Make me not want to run away. To keep quoting my beloved Dermot in the aforementioned movie, “I’d miss you even if I’d never met you.” Believe me, I feel your absence. Please close that void and present yourself.

I’ve spent a lot of time faking it. Not orgasms, silly, but “it” — that special spark that people come to expect from me. I’ve always been a proponent of “fake it till you make it” or “speak it into existence.” And maybe there is some truth or magic to it, but today was the first day I felt “right” in a very long time. I’m settling into a routine again, I’ve got things to learn and do and enjoy. I’ve got people to get to know and stories and insights to share with them. And they have a lot to teach me. I look forward to all of us learning and growing together. And, with that, I look forward to finally hermetically sealing the void left by the past and learning to live with expectation, with acceptance, with accomplishment. And while I’ve had each of those things in the past, I never had them in tandem. I finally, finally think that the time has come wherein I can, in fact, have all of that and more. Much more.

2005 is my year, friends. Strap on your seatbelts and come along for the ride, because I assure you, I don’t know exactly what lies in store, but I can tell you that I’m gathering my strength to go on the ride of my life.

On iTunes: The Flys, “Got You Where I Want You”

One Lonely Response to Bag of tricks

  1. A.McSholty :

    Currently, I’m letting my inner bitch run the show. She’s the one that keeps me from getting walked on and since some folks seem to think that I look like a pretty good Welcome Mat, ol’ bitchy is in the house.

    A dear friend once told me that sometimes the only statement you need to make to make your point is to walk away. And I’ve learned with age that there comes a point when there is no more you can say because what you ARE saying isn’t being heard.

    Not to say you should walk from every confrontation or uncomfortable situation, but there does come a point when your time and sanity are worth more than trying to convince the “ignorant bitch” who refuses to be polite or listen to reason to join the rest of us in decent society. There comes a point when you just need to tell that person/situation/emotion to bugger the f off and be done with it.

    Gee…can you tell where my head is? Snicker.