Caterwauling

What I need right now to liven up this lackluster existence of mine is a good, old-fashioned date. The type where you actually want to put on a cute outfit and take extra care with your cosmetics because you will be taken somewhere that has neither a bed nor a keg within its walls.

I want someone to pick me up in a nice, clean car where I don’t have to maneuver my sitting position to accommodate three weeks’ worth of junk mail and fast-food remnants and pray that my nice outfit doesn’t get some kind of random stain on it from the chaos upon which I am forced to sit. I want someone to open the car door for me and be genuinely excited to see me. And, even more importantly, I want someone to treat me to dinner … treat being the important word here.

Look, I’m no gold-digger, but I’ve been on enough miserable dates where I had to pay for my share or, in the case of some cheap bastards, the whole bill. Until there truly is lame-date insurance, and until I am back on my feet financially (seeing as though the much-anticipated first paycheck has been divvied among as many creditors as I could manage), having someone truly want to treat me to a decent meal would show me that they care. Really, guys, it doesn’t take much. If we have subsequent dates, I will be happy to go Dutch, but if you don’t invest in a freaking salad for me at the outset, well, then you really don’t want fellatio when the time comes. Plain and simple. Got it?

Anyway, back to my simple wish. I want to have a tasty meal that neither involves ramen nor whatever I managed to scrape from the back of the cupboards. I want conversation and light flirtation. I don’t want to go home right away, because I have seen plenty of those walls to last me a lifetime. I’d love a movie or anything that involves just being near someone.

What I don’t want is the “How is this date going to end?” dread. I want touching and kissing and whatever other fun stuff feels right at the time, but I only need enough to help me get started in building my confidence back. I am too fragile right now to do a walk of shame — or, worse, have someone do one away from me — which, sadly, is always what it ends up being.

I’m going to give you guys a secret. Know how you’re always whining that we girls are never in the mood? It’s because we feel ashamed of something about ourselves — or, more likely, we’re ashamed about everything. We know you’re not as conscious of our bodies as we are, but we can’t get out of our own heads. And, trust me, we’re in the mood. We always are, and many times we’re more revved up than you. But between our own issues and fearing that you’re going to be jackhammering away without even realizing that we’re there, well, does a lot to kill our moods. Another point to remember: we know that guys fall in love before sex and girls fall in love afterward. We want to make sure you might actually give a crap about us before we let you inside (literally). And I’ll give you a personal secret: I used to be so displeased with myself that I’d “do” it just to prove to myself that I could get over myself. I remember being called the “One Night Stand Queen” on more than one occasion — it’s like I had a carnal crusade going on, trying to prove to myself and others that I wasn’t hung up on myself. And you know what that got me? Nothing. No relationships, no subsequent dates (in many cases) and, especially, no pride in my actions.

I don’t want that. I want to be dropped off at home with tingling lips (of both varieties, with any luck!) before I snuggle into bed, knowing that sweet dreams … and, maybe, even the promise of something even more … await.

I so very much want a date for Valentine’s Day weekend. I was never this ridiculously girly before — I’ve never cared either way about this particular greeting card holiday. But, this year, I want to be the center of someone’s attention and have it, for a few hours, not be an illusion. I need something to which I can look forward. So, do you know anybody who would be willing to — or, can — put up with me for an evening? 😉

On iTunes: Switchfoot, “Meant to Live”

This entry was posted on Friday, February 4th, 2005 at 8:48 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.